the one woman apollo!

a silent walking vigil for the teacher…

Posted on June 24, 2012 by jamilah

firstly, i have not been here for a while because i have had extremely limited access to the computer due to circumstances beyond my control… but let us not fret, for i am here now.

secondly, as of tomorrow it will be three years since you left this earth. the past two years have been sad; however, i have generally come to terms with you not being here. this year though, i am feeling particularly sad. i wanted to have a pro-active reaction to this grieving experience (at the same time honouring the teachings) and i figured i would go on a silent walking vigil. i am going to rest soon, then mentally prepare myself, as i have a feeling it will be a hard day. i will be walking for a bulk of the day, and i wrote a little informational sheet which explains why i am doing what i am doing…

===============================================

annual silent walking vigil for michael jackson
25 june

we are taking time out today to not simply mourn the violent (as we see it) loss of life of a great teacher; we also want to silently reflect on the teachings in a society which does not honour them.

he ‘died’ as a reluctant commodity,as his desire to help disenfranchised people sustained him… on his ‘death bed’ he aimed to use funds for the ‘this is it’ tour, to build the world’s largest children’s hospital. also those who worked with him for that tour claimed he wanted to perform in economically disparaged nations to help them empower themselves.

in our research we observed that the ‘this is it’ contract may not have been a contract at all- but a type of ‘promissory note’ which stated that if he fell back on his financial commitments to the tour he’d have to surrender his catalogue, etc. it’s very clear to us that michael either did not fully read the contract or was coerced into signing it. this can be debated all day (rightfully so); in our view and research though, all signs point to the murder of our teacher, as he held valuable non-liquid (aka: not bank notes or coins) assets.

http://mjandjustice4some.blogspot.com/2010/08/aegs-inconsistent-story-regarding-mj.html

http://vindicatemj.wordpress.com/2011/03/29/michael-jacksons-agreement-with-aeg-a-contract-or-a-letter-of-intent/

http://vindicatemj.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/michael-jacksons-agreement-with-aeg-everything-at-his-expense/

http://vindicatemj.wordpress.com/2011/04/04/michael-jacksons-agreement-with-aeg-fraud-in-the-artists-compensation-too-part-3/

http://vindicatemj.wordpress.com/2011/09/14/aeg-live-entertainment-and-dr-tohme-tohme-in-a-game-against-michael-jackson-fraud-lies-and-devilish-intentions/

as another ‘anniversary’ of michael’s transition has arrived, we acknowledge that globally as we become smaller, we are also isolating ourselves through technology, instant foods, desire for quick celebrity, and much more.

while we recognize michael’s dependency on certain pharmaceuticals in order to to maintain a life as a performer- as well as dealing with any emotional pains- we aim to take the focus off of one individual’s dependency, and question whether he or others had alternative/wholistic options to their ailments. if indeed people HAVE utilized their options, was there a support network to maintain this path? michael nor anyone else needed to cry in pain or leave this world alone.

as usual, to silence anyone who questions anything; there is a prompting by media organizations to focus on an individual’s dependency on drugs, as opposed to truly studying ALL the circumstances surrounding ‘death’. nor is there an ongoing investigation of the pharmaceutical industry- these corporations which not only promote treating symptoms as opposed to the whole problem; but they also lobby to criminalize wholistic techniques to health care.

for us, it is imperative to speak out against injustice in ALL its forms. we do what we can to fight injustice every day; however, it’s usually with a speaking voice. through this vigil we will show that silence does not always imply compliance. we will continue this silent vigil every year on the ‘anniversary’ of our teacher’s transcendence, until justice for all peoples around the world is recognized… until we make notions to heal ourselves wholistically… until corporations concerned with only the bottom line either cease or finally value life… until we ALL speak and act out against injustice. because when we all finally do that, this is when true justice will be a tangible reality.

perhaps that will be one step towards “heal(ing) the world”.

love, jamilah

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged alternative health, michael jackson, peace, transcendence | Leave a comment

michael, peace will come, no matter what: a reflection (no. 10)

Posted on April 27, 2012 by jamilah

i was just listening to ‘heal the world’, and tears started rolling down my eyes. these days, generally i am okay emotionally; i have taken steps to care for myself, get enough rest, eat better, drink more water, get plenty of exercise… but somehow, lately, listening to that song has been cathartic for me. it’s presenting a whole range of experiences, from pain to joy.

there was a time a couple of weeks ago, i was riding my bicycle, and i played the song out loud. i began to sing out loud along with it. it felt really good to do that- healing, i will say. i sing the song out loud at work all the time. i even listened to it yesterday a couple of times before i went out and did radio and community work. sometimes my spirit tells me there is a great need for that song. and i feel like now is an important time for this song.

the more we see these class lines being drawn- where more and more people who’ve felt comfort are now losing that comfort- the more we see those who still are fortunate enough to live in said comfort hold on tightly; along with this grip comes judgements of those who were not so fortunate. i do a work around foreclosure awareness and advocating for people to stay in their homes; and i run into more than enough people who cry that those who have lost their homes to foreclosure deserve it because they are lazy or just didn’t work hard enough. despite the vast evidence of the criminality of the banking institution regarding foreclosures, there are still people who refuse to acknowledge that many people who worked hard to maintain this portion of an ‘american dream’ did so whilst being lied to.

http://www.ajc.com/business/discrimination-alleged-in-upkeep-1407232.html

http://sfbayview.com/2012/san-francisco-board-of-supervisors-unanimously-passes-foreclosure-moratorium-resolution/

there are people in this world who don’t think every living being on this earth is deserving of food, shelter, water, love and respect. these people believe that you have to work in order to attain these basic things. in order to live you need basic sustenance; these are NOT things you should have to fight for. so much of what we need is around us (in nature); and we see it constantly purchased, subsidized or stolen by corporations, and patented. how can anyone say they own a patent on NATURE? what is the first lesson in the teachings?

THAT WE ARE ALL A PART OF EACH OTHER. to say that some people are deserving of basic necessities of life and others are not is absurd, and going directly against universal law. you get from the universe what you put out; and if you consistently advocate for individualism, you WILL ultimately be alone.

i just had to put this out there… there’s so much i want to say, but i am saving it for other writings. i just want you to know that your teachings are extremely important at this moment, and there appears to be a mass resistance to them. however, i see a movement to move towards them as well.

in a little less than two months, it will be three years since you have physically left this plane. it’s still very hard for me to even visualize that. it’s interesting, because i feel the universe speaking in terms of the teachings even more right now… i can’t say if it’s you speaking to us here, asking us to remember you. all i know is that i get more people coming to me about you. the energy is there. sometimes the energy is very off, but it’s still there.

i remember the day you left very well and i don’t want to relive it. again, i do my best to be the best student i can be in these times. i just want to honour the teachings. that’s all i want to do. and right now in these times, i am feeling the most energy in the messages of ‘heal the world’ and ‘another part of me’. those are two very basic universal teachings which are noted in our culture, particularly since you put light to them. however, to what degree these messages resonate with the world is another question.

i shall ask for guidance from the universe and the ancestors, and again hope that my contribution to the teachings are positive and helpful/useful.

love, jamilah

Posted in economy, freedom, justice, law, life, michael jackson, politics, transcendence, universal law | Leave a comment

michael, peace will come, no matter what: a reflection (no. 9)

Posted on March 20, 2012 by jamilah

the thing about ‘blogging’ for me is that something has to present itself where there is an intense need to ‘blog’ about it. a lot has been on my mind lately, and it’s not always easy to envision it in words. but what i am getting ready to write to you now? it has been building for a number of weeks.

sure it’s ‘controversial’ in the realm of conversations regarding your work and teachings, but i feel it must be said.

i just saw someone speaking on the extinct nature of powerful black men. i must say that i concur with her about ONE BILLION PERCENT. i think about my dear friend barry, who raised two girls essentially on his own; and they grew up to be extremely smart and well-adjusted. i think about the three kids you raised, and how you worked to protect them from a world which had no love for you- firstly, as a black man, and secondly, as a SUCCESSFUL black man.

and (again) this is going to be controversial, but i have to say it… it’s been on my mind for a long time, and it culminated into an exchange i had… the rampant anti-intellectualism amongst your fan base disturbs me. does this mean i am speaking about everyone? of course not. however, i have run into too many people who critique me for asking questions related to you, and not falling for this limited protagonist/antagonist theory. i am tired for people calling for the deaths of people like martin bashir, the arvisos, boteach and whoever else, because you may have had some negativity between yourself and those folks. i am tired of people accusing me of being better than they are because i ask questions and call you out on some things. i’m no better than anyone else. i’m not perfect- no one is perfect, and no one is immune from critique… even an ‘object of fandom’.

here is ONE (out of many) examples addressed to me:

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Thank you so much you “student of Michael’s”. I TRULY needed that laugh! You sound so pedestrian while desperately trying to come across as an INTELLECTUAL! “student of Michael’s” indeed! You just keep on reading – OOPS! I mean “researching” through books by conmen like Schmuley and I’m certain you will eventually reach the level of “EXPERT” on all things Michael vs. “a student of Michael’s”! STILL LMAOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

http://www.youtube.com/all_comments?v=PTpQRcoX0m8

in many ways it’s assumed that being a student requires the teacher and student to have a hierarchical relationship- that the student is not able to learn from the teacher, since CLEARLY the student knows less than the teacher. it’s also assumed that if you do not personally KNOW the ‘teacher’ then being a student would be impossible. when i tell people you are my teacher, people ask if i knew you, and if i learned DANCE from you. when i tell people why i consider you a teacher there are confused looks.

the key for a teaching to be effective though, is that you MUST QUESTION THE TEACHER. sometimes the teacher could learn from the student. true education is reciprocal.

do i try to come off as intellectual at the expense of others? no. if i seem intellectual to someone, great. the condescending remarks though, from people who are so one-sided in their views regarding how they see you (that is, immune from critique) make me want to study more. i say what i have to say to people, then i am moved to study more. i feel like some of these people look for an argument where there is none, so i hold no ill will towards them.

the people who claim to know who you are simply because of how you present yourself in public will be in for some major disappointments when there is a side of you presented which contradicts their views of you. this is one of the many reasons i am a student- the key is to hold no assumptions. for instance, the conversations you had with glenda- people swore up and down that it was not you because you cursed on tape- despite much evidence.

we should never assume anyone is a certain way, because people are always presenting themselves in ways they only want others to see them. for public people, there is a side which is imperative to keep private. it makes total sense. in the world we live in now, people are accustomed to ‘reality tv’ (which is VERY much scripted), so any tapes which come out, deviating from the presentation are OBVIOUSLY not the person the deviation says it is.

we as ‘fans’ of celebrities have willingly allowed a surveillance culture to dictate our lives. the people who run government also run hollywood. in many ways we can see how hollywood is a test run for a lot of the bills being created. the most recent example i can give is the ‘kony 2012’ campaign. the film promoting the campaign described the campaign as being an ‘experiment’. of course, those who watched it were test subjects. how many people would watch the film and get emotionally charged, without doing research on the organization producing and promoting the film? how many people would do research on the subject of the film- joseph kony, a man who, as the film mentions in passing, is not even in the country they intend to look for him in? how many people watching the film questioned the organization’s support of u.s. troops being used to look for the subject of the film, even though the u.s. was not invaded? how many people are aware that around the time of u.s. troops entering uganda, oil was found there? how many people questioned the organization’s support of the ugandan government- a government as corrupt as they emphasize joseph kony is? how many people watching and supporting the film are aware of the u.s. connection to AFRICOM? how many people would change their mind about the campaign if they were aware of the facts purposefully left out of the film?

the people whose voices have been prominent in relation to this campaign to stop joseph kony are people like angelina jolie- a member of the council on foreign relations (CFR), and the UN. we have to ask ourselves why this is. we have to ask ourselves why people like oprah winfrey have prominent voices, regarding policy and ‘voting trends’. we have to ask ourselves, for so many people to proclaim this to be such a ‘judeo-christian’ nation (and yes, hollywood espouses those values as well, despite what some congresspeople say); why is it that certain individuals (like madonna) are chosen to openly mock indigenous and afrikan spirituality by presenting these grand roman-greco pagan ceremonies? why is it that nikki minaj was chosen to model herself after a child rapist like roman polanski and have an exorcism on stage? how is it that whitney houston’s body was left in a hotel (as per clive davis’ request) as a party was going on?

how and why is it so easy to pass these things off as ‘entertainment’? again, people look at politics and ‘entertainment’ as mutually exclusive, but the same people run both industries.

and because we place so much value on ‘entertainment’ and not our own worth, we feel helpless when we hear of trayvon martin being shot. trayvon martin, a black teenager who was visiting his father’s girlfriend’s house, was shot by george zimmerman, a white-identified (aka white-supremacist identified) latino neighbourhood watch volunteer in his gated community. zimmerman has not been charged for the murder of martin. zimmerman phoned the police about what he felt was a suspicious character, however, he took action before the police showed up, claiming he was attacked by martin and was scared.

the thing is, people have been arrested for shooting their guns into the GROUND to scare off a burglar.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/02/21/new-hampshire-man-faces-felony-charge-after-firing-gun-into-ground-near-burglar/

http://boston.cbslocal.com/2012/02/22/nh-man-who-fired-warning-shot-at-robber-gets-nationwide-support/

so a man who was protecting his community in new hampshire was charged with a FELONY- but zimmerman, who was TOLD to not follow trayvon martin by a dispatcher, went and followed him anyways- thus ending any use of the ‘self-defence’ or ‘stand your ground’ law held in florida.

“Several witnesses said they heard cries that sounded like a boy wailing — howling silenced by the crack of gunfire — and were shocked to hear police later portray the cries as Zimmerman’s. One witness said police ignored her repeated phone calls.”

zimmerman MURDERED a young man, and no charges or arrests have been made?

http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/03/19/2703029/us-department-of-justice-fbi-and.html

“The department will conduct a thorough and independent review of all of the evidence and take appropriate action at the conclusion of the investigation,” the Justice Department said in a statement. “The department also is providing assistance to and cooperating with the state officials in their investigation into the incident. With all federal civil rights crimes, the government must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that a person acted intentionally and with the specific intent to do something which the law forbids — the highest level of intent in criminal law.

“Negligence, recklessness, mistakes and accidents are not prosecutable under the federal criminal civil rights laws.”

http://motherjones.com/politics/2012/03/what-happened-trayvon-martin-explained#update

When Trayvon Martin was killed, all he had were Skittles, iced tea…and a cellphone, authorities told the L.A. Times. The phone has been mentioned in multiple reports in recent days, and journalists and concerned citizens are starting to ask: Where is Trayvon’s phone? Why did the police on the scene of the shooting not use it to identify Martin, or contact his next of kin? “Trayvon’s body was bagged and taken to the morgue, where he was tagged as a John Doe,” writes African American affairs blogger Sandra Rose. “No one contacted Trayvon’s family even though police had Trayvon’s cell phone in their possession.”

it seems very clear (to me) that the police are tampering with evidence and defending zimmerman.

we place so much on our value as people finally able to co-exist in a world which did not value us; and yet we are surprised that we STILL are not valued. the laws which are said to protect our ‘civil rights’ as black people were not created by us, so why would we think they are naturally there for our benefit?

just as the ‘entertainment industry’ was not created by us, we should not think that because we are somehow ‘accepted’ into the fold that we are able to, without limit, present images which are particularly beneficial to us. most black people in prominent industries who have attained significant success more or less do so within a eurocentric framework. does this mean that said people ‘want to be white’? no. what it DOES mean though, is that if there is any measure or gesture, minute or large-scale, of black pride, or cultural economic autonomy you are deemed undesirable in one form or another. even so much as openly speaking about racism in the music industry (which you did) garnered a lot of criticism- from the opinion that you were trying to gain attention, to comments like, ‘white people have supported him, and now he’s turned his back on us with his racist views.’ frankly, discussing racism in the music industry isn’t even that controversial. according to some though, it is. especially when it’s coming from someone who’s supposed to never open his mouth, other than to entertain people.

we as black people collectively have neglected to tap into the resources of our ancestral power, and we have allowed outside influences to inform us of our value. this is the only way we could accept a nikki minaj to become a symbol of where we as black people in popular culture are today. it began a long time ago though… going into the ‘civil rights’ era, i AM going to pin a lot of the cultural blame on how berry gordy ran the ship called motown. any clear political views were relegated to a boutique record subsidiary; and artists were encouraged to present themselves as assimilated in white society. this was based on gordy’s motivation for capitalism; i’ve seen no evidence of him having a major socio-political stance on the ‘race’ issue . it did not matter how troubled the artists were, as long as they presented themselves in a certain way. all the other series of events could sweep themselves under the rug, as they say.

it’s interesting that we were not allowed to see a variety of black talent from motown (aka: any variation from the ‘conveyor belt of hits’) until the prominence of jimi hendrix or sly and the family stone. there were more pressing concerns around this time (such as war) and gordy had to reluctantly acknowledge that. this was the point motown, to me, got less stale and more interesting. i know, i know… people will get on me for this critique of the ‘sound of young america’. really though, i don’t think of the creation of that sound as being sincere, even if the talents who recorded those sounds were. i mean, ‘what’s going on’ is the GREATEST PIECE OF MUSIC put to record of all times; and if marvin gaye had not used his creative intuition to protest gordy’s capitalist stubbornness, we may have never heard it. the same thing with STEVIE’S works.

we have to be able to do the work of our ancestors… the tradition of ‘constantly keeping up with the times’ and forgetting about what happened last month is antithetical to our nature. we already know what to do, and we have to channel that. this transcends any trend. but we get influenced by these dark forces and have exorcisms on stage.

don’t get me started. we have to stop allowing ‘other people’ to save us. we have to stop allowing others to tell us what is trendy, especially when they are capitalizing off of our cultures. we have to be able to trust ourselves enough to question what is around us.

going back to the opinions of you not being able to have a voice to some (white) people because they have supported you in the past, i have to wonder if the largely european fan base you have would appreciate you in the same manner if you were to look the same way as you did in 1975- even if you produced the same music they love? is how you looked later on in life a factor in their identification with you? i ask this because i’ve had more than a few people tell me they preferred your look when your hair was straighter, your skin was lighter and your nose was thinner. people openly said they did not like your hair in its tightly coiled form.

yes, this largely european fan base acknowledges you as a ‘black american’. of course, they quote you all the time. however, do they acknowledge the implications of your AFRIKAN-NESS? there is a major difference, to me, between being proud to be a ‘black american’ (which requires taking on multiple personalities (which dubois spoke about succinctly)) and engaging in ‘afrikan-ness’. this goes WAAAAAY beyond one’s physical casing as well. do they praise you as a ‘black entertainer’ without acknowledging your intellectual sensibilities, because of course, with few exceptions, ‘black people don’t read’?

am i talking about all your fans? clearly not. however, i know there is that large probability of a few people reading this and saying to themselves that i am making blanket statements, even though i am speaking of experiences i’ve had. i admit there’s a bit of speculation involved; however, this is based on experience, plus the fact that a majority of your fans are european. it’s impossible to deny the effects of european colonialism on the world, and the damage it’s done to non-europeans. to NOT have those questions would make no sense to me, ESPECIALLY in light of the hatred espoused by many of the fans in my experiences- the rampant homophobia, the casual racism, the death wishes, the all-encompassing hatred for anyone who doesn’t hold the same views as they do… and it doesn’t stop there… the ‘romantic fantasies’ even after your transcendence are pretty violent. to openly state on a public forum that you want to rape someone is not funny. i don’t care if it’s said in jest or not.

again, i digress…

is it possible to cherish and engage in your ‘afrikan-ness’ and be loved worldwide? i do not think so, but perhaps someone can prove me wrong. people point to nelson mandela or barack obama as symbols of freedom for black people all around the world. the thing is, nelson mandela, after 27 years in prison for his active-ism, made concessions to the white minority in south africa. he was then released and made president. if you are going to be a large figure in african politics, you have to work for the CIA and become a dictator, or you have to make concessions to the people who’ve oppressed you, under the guise of ‘democracy’.

people also point to martin luther king; i have mentioned this before though- when MLK began making connections between economic imperialism in this country (and treatment of black people) and european/u.s. imperialism around the world regarding war, people began to hate him even more than they did. when he began to speak about black economic autonomy (and gave tips on how people could maintain that), he was murdered. people still want to make references connecting MLK and obama, despite the fact that obama is the darker face of eurocentric imperialism and institutional racism in this country, and has signed off on laws antithetical to MLK’s messages, such as the NDAA. obama didn’t even have to espouse a ‘pro-black’ sentiment… however, he’s never allowed a possibility of it to come into the picture, despite the hoards of white politicians openly protecting themselves and their ethnic culture.

again, some of the same people and organizations which propped up obama (and run the u.s. government, hollywood and banking industries) are some of the same people propping up the buffoonery of so-called ‘black (popular) music’. you know, people you mentioned in the song ‘money’:

vanderbilt
morgan
trump
rockefeller
carnegie
getty

and of course, a lot of these folks (the old-school ‘robber barons’) were strongly involved in the eugenics movement. i find it interesting that you considered henry ford to be an inspiration, considering he was heavily involved in the eugenics movement as well. and walt disney (another one of your inspirations) was not secretive about his racism. but that is a discussion for another day.

http://eugenicsarchive.org/eugenics/

http://www.rotten.com/library/medicine/eugenics/

yougenics.net/online_docs/eugenicsTimeline.pdf

http://www.correntewire.com/singularity_posthumanism_eugenics_and_everything

http://www.crossroad.to/articles2/009/cuddy/eugenics.htm

as an international figure, i have wondered if your fans around the world recognise the cultural references and colloquialisms in songs like ‘they don’t care about us’. it is, in many ways, specific to a black american experience. when they hear the lyrics, do they study the emancipation proclamation (in which the intent was not to free anybody, but to win a war)? would the lyrics hold an entirely different meaning for people if you were still of darker hue and had a ‘fro? if you did, would you be deemed a crazy black nationalist?

how many of your fans (in and out of the u.s.) are willing to support an environment where afrikan people around the world will be free from colonialism in all forms- where a true sovereignty would occur? how many people are willing to do that sort of work?

how many people will recognize the socio-political lessons given in your music, without you announcing that’s what it was? you’ve already mentioned that your goal was to make the art you created more powerful than the message of a politician, and i think you made that happen. but are people listening to the messages, or are they focused on the physical? with your wish of people reading more and educating themselves, do you think this is happening? IS this happening?

is anyone going to answer these questions?

okay… i got all of this off my chest. this release has ushered in the equinox. usually when i write here, i ask the universe if it’s okay to publicly release. with this writing i asked the same thing. after i re-read it though, i felt a sort of calmness, more than usual. i think it’s largely because the reasons i consider you my teacher transcend others’ views of me. i know that not everyone in this world is going to like me or be my friend. ultimately though, what IS important is the impact each of us makes in this world, be it minuscule or major. is it positive? is the goal towards freedom for ALL living beings, humans or otherwise?

these are also questions i would have loved to have asked you when you were physically here. whether or not you would have answered is another thing; still, it doesn’t hurt to ask. i also felt compelled to write because i’ve been feeling some very strong energy when it comes to you. i’m not sure where it’s coming from. is there some sort of message you are trying to send the world regarding social justice? are you trying to speak through your children? is this something regarding the ancestors? i’ve been feeling very sad regarding a lot of the things going on in the world- particularly how people don’t stop and ask questions about the images presented to them- and this photo returned to me:

i had seen this photo a number of years ago, and never saw it again until now. i’ve been thinking a lot about children’s voices and how they are incredible teachers in patience. i was also thinking about the songs you sang as a child, and how the material your brothers were given to sing were more about the typical subject of love or heartbreak… you sang about those things as well, but you also sang about world peace, friendships with rats and relationships with music. i imagine the songwriters wanted to capture some of your personalities in order to display some sort of authenticity. still, it’s admirable that the messages you displayed into adulthood were more or less consistent.

the photo was not difficult to decipher. the words wore very clear up top. ‘STOP. THE. WAR.’ the image was very involved, very detailed and far from innocuous. if only the messages we sent to each other were that clear.

love, jamilah

Posted in africa, art, children, economy, freedom, justice, law, life, michael jackson, parenting, politics, technology, transcendence, trauma, universal law | Leave a comment

michael, peace will come, no matter what: a reflection (no. 8)

Posted on February 15, 2012 by jamilah

“so goodbye, please don’t cry…”

and cry is what i’ve been doing for the past few days. i continue to think about all the people who brought joy to so many, and how their voices were silenced. there’s so much i want to say, that i didn’t get to say before. there’s too much to process. i have so many questions, especially since there’s a little bit more surfacing on sister whitney’s transition- but not much. it’s a little like all the news surrounding what happened to you. the both of you left this world alone- or did you? was it murder? was it an overdose? was it a harmful cocktail?

and i keep thinking about how y0u were treated right after your transition, and how she is essentially being treated in a similar way. many people, even without evidence or information, assume that because she did struggle with drug addiction, that that was how she left this earth. i am also thinking about how, as her body lay in the hotel room of the beverly hilton, four floors down , a party was held. clive davis (her supposed ‘mentor’) claimed she would want the party to continue, and that her family requested it continue.

i don’t know… as joyfully silly as whitney was, i think she also knew there was a place for mourning. chaka khan (who removed herself from the celebratory environment by not participating) said this in an interview with piers morgan:

“i think we all, as artists… we’re highly sensitive people, and this machine around us, this so-called ‘music industry’ is such a demonic thing. it sacrifices peoples’ lives and their essences, at the drop of a dime… i could have easily, easily- because of a lot pressure from the label i was with at the time; i went through a really, really rough time, where i didn’t wanna go outside, didn’t wanna be seen; didn’t wanna be around… i know what this world that we’re living in; and this business, particularly, can do… i don’t know what could motivate a person to have a party in a building where the person whose life he influenced so enormously, and whose life had been affected by hers… i don’t understand how that went on.”

she also mentioned (in response to the question of- aHEM-SONY upping the price of whitney’s music A HALF HOUR TO AN HOUR after the announcement of her transition) that a manager once told her that she’d be “worth more money dead or alive.”

sound familiar? the major difference between you and her was that even though she did sign a deal with her label that would generate royalties, she did not have a catalogue or music rights to lay claim to.

i also think of judy garland, and the struggles she went through. in the film ‘i could go on singing’ ms. garland essentially plays herself; a woman who faces self-reflection amidst her personal turmoil.

“i’m just one person. i don’t wanna be rolled out like a pastry so everybody’ll get a nice big bite of me…. it’s just not worth all the deaths, that i have to die… i’ve hung on to every bit of rubbish there is to hang on to in life, and i’ve thrown all the good bits away…”

that dialogue was from a scene done in one take with dirk bogarde. it’s noted by film scholars and followers of ms. garland that her behaviour was erratic during the filming; however, she was dealing with a custody battle over her two children, as well as not trying to form another dependency on pills. over her career she’s been ‘advised’ by her employers/film company to take diet pills in order to be thin for the camera. she also had her breasts bound for her role in ‘the wizard of oz’, in order to maintain what the studio executives declared a ‘youthful look’. she suffered from self- consciousness her entire life it seems, as she was told by (essentially) her employers that she was ugly. she’s made several suicide attempts in her life, and has said in response, “i wanted to black out the future as well as the past. i wanted to hurt myself and everyone who had hurt me.”

in another scene in the film garland says: “you know, there’s an old saying; when you go on stage, you don’t feel any pain at all. when the lights hit you, you don’t feel anything.” she ended her feelings about it with saying that whole thing was a “stinking lie.”

however! in her last performance (on 25 march 1969) of ‘somewhere over the rainbow’, ms. garland told the audience she was dedicating the song to them because she was “dedicated to” them… i see so many similarities between ms. garland, yourself and whitney. having suffered from depression (and self-harm/suicide attempts), i recognize a lot of the patterns. for people to simplify anyone’s life with a simple case of addiction; they, to me, refuse to recognize the nuances of life’s experiences.

and of course, i think about the culture of nihilism and complacency that is all-too common in these times. the more access we have to technology; the less community-centred we are. people continue to be prosecuted; they continue to have their children taken away by the government because they grow their own food free of chemicals; because they don’t feed their children pork; because their children are home-schooled without the assistance of ‘the system’; because they speak out in one way or another… and yet, body chemistries continue to be altered (not necessarily for the better) due to the nicotine, alcohol and pharmaceutical companies making money off of peoples’ vulnerabilities and desire to heal in whatever way possible.

clearly, the notion of ‘idol worship’ does not happen innocuously. i mean… i saw something which disturbed me. i did not watch the grammys, but i saw some write-ups that chris brown was going to be there to perform. we can say whatever it is we want regarding his violent actions; what DOES upset me is that we are so consumed with idolatry that (female) fans of chris brown’s publicly wrote on their social networking pages that because brown was attractive or because he was a great performer that they would allow him to hit them… some of them straight up said that it would be okay if he punched them in the face. some joked around and said he could beat them up- ‘but only in the bedroom’. of course. to make light of violence in that fashion- regardless of whether or not it’s coming from a male OR female- is a perfect example of what chaka khan speaks, or what MANY people have been speaking, for years.

these forces would make any sensitive person seem ‘crazy’. especially if they have ingested any synthetic drugs, or negative energy.

i don’t agree with everything this piece by a.j. ramsey says; however, there are points which make sense in light of lady chaka’s comments:

“According to Bobby Brown’s sister, who would go on drug binges with the couple, “Whitney hallucinates and sees demons when she’s high; she bites and beats herself black-and-blue but blames the devil for the injuries.” Bobby’s sister Tina goes on to say that, Houston sees ‘demons’ everywhere she goes, and beats herself up while saying “The Devil be hitting me.” Tina claimed that drugs have made Whitney so paranoid she sees evil apparitions and once drilled a spy-hole in her bathroom to look for “demons.”

Whitney was of no use to the industry any more because as many of you know she couldn’t sing the way she use to. The drugs and the demons drained her life force, because Whitney was pure and wasn’t built for demonology. Whitney was sacrificed aka thrown from the freedom train, and done away with a day before the Grammy’s as a industry ritual.”

http://www.every1letstalk.com/2012/02/15/whitney-houstons-death-and-the-secret-society-called-the-music-industry/

i actually would not put it past these people that they WOULD perform a ritualistic murder of a sensitive soul who they no longer had use for, then celebrate the job without the knowledge of unwilling participants. i believe this is what happened to you. the murder is usually gradual- the people behind the curtain initiate it, then the audience/consumers (unknowingly) do the rest of the work.

it’s curious to me, how that a couple of VERY prominent people whose main message was love can somehow disappear in such a short amount of time. for you, i think it was 1993 (and more specifically 2005) which broke your spirit. that was the time when your dependence on pills became very public. for whitney, she may have been using drugs in her younger days (according to some reports); however, it was not until her marriage to bobby brown when her addictions became public. it used to be in the industry that issues like addiction or physical abuse were ‘open secrets’, but the public were still shown a specific image, counter to that secret. you never saw the infighting or infidelities, even though you knew they were there.

in today’s industry though; the public can openly see how artists are treated. the public can have more of an awareness of the fickleness of the industry in ways previously unadvertised. because of this it’s more difficult to immediately get rid of artists they deem undesirable- like what happened to sam cooke, a man who, when he finally took matters into his own hands and worked towards taking charge of his own publishing and catalogue, was ‘coincidentally’ gunned down.

for people like you or whitney houston, who i suppose ‘broke the code’, there had to be a way for your stars to dim.

here is more by a.j. ramsey:

“Whitney Houston stated in her interview with Oprah in 2010 that she was attracted to Bobby because he, “took control of her and their relationship, and she liked that.” In reality Bobby was acting as Whitney’s handler, which is a term used in mind control. A handler is one who is used within a mind control experiment to break another and to get them to do what the controllers of the experiment want, this was Bobby’s role. The labels wanted to spice up Whitney’s life aka destroy her pristine image, which they had been targeting since she got into the industry. You may wonder why they would want to do a thing like this, but if you’re not in the industry then you can’t imagine how diabolical the people are who run the show. These people thrive on drama, sex, violence, and drugs. As they say, sex sales! Entertainers are products of the elite and they are treated as such, they (The Elite) don’t give a s**t about human values morals and the likes. The people that are behind the scenes are master witches and wizards and their goals are constant control and power.”

is all of that necessarily true? i cannot say. but it makes a lot of sense to me somehow.

so many of our sensitive souls are leaving this earth. i have no doubt that this is a test for all of us to continue the teachings; to ensure that when we go, the lessons will still thrive. i think this is what you and whitney, and what so many others have done. and as i think of many possibilities in continuing the teachings, i also think of the ‘extra’ portion of the famed song judy garland was to sing; she was not able to finish it because she was flooded in tears. as we spend time on this earth, let us utilize our minds and bodies to strive towards the centrepiece: the heart.

“Someday I’ll wake and rub my eyes
And in that land beyond the skies,
You’ll find me
I’ll be a laughing daffodil
And leave the silly cares that fill
My mind behind me”

love, jamilah

Posted in art, childhood, dreams, freedom, life, michael jackson, politics, technology, transcendence, trauma, Uncategorized, universal law | Leave a comment

michael, peace will come, no matter what: a reflection (no. 7)

Posted on February 13, 2012 by jamilah

it’s hard for me to even say these two words right now… whitney houston.

she has transcended.

i have to say, this hurt me almost as much as learning about the news of your transcendence. what hurt me more than anything was not necessarily who she was/is; the fact that there are so many people with light leaving this earth- people who have visions, people who utilize their art to counter dark energies is extremely troubling.

i must admit, when i learned of her transcendence i instantly thought of these words, spoken my ms. houston in 2010 in relation to her ‘nothing but love’ world tour. she was asked what she thought of the state of today’s music industry; she was also asked what she thought of the wardrobe she used to wear in the 1980s.

“music doesn’t change; people change the music. music is a gift from heaven, i believe…. they become characters instead of really displaying their gifts, and if you look behind a lot of the people that are out there… wearing these weird… kind of clothing… i’m not talking about anyone in particular but i’ve seen for myself; there are some extremely gifted and talented young women and young men out there, who don’t have to really put on halloween costumes. just be themselves… a little extravagance, a little flair, a little sexiness or sultriness is cool. but some of them are very dark. and days when we are going through so much… tragedies and earthquakes and things of… disasters and new orleans and the whole thing; it’s time to, i believe, to sing about love and what has been here since the beginning of time. and that’s been love.

i look at myself, i look at madonna, i look at prince, i look at michael; i look at all of us… we had costumes… they weren’t SCARY. it was that we were performers, performing… having artistry is one thing, but being dark and just, like, you know, different weird stuff is not becoming… to me, it’s just not becoming at all. “

when i first saw this interview, i showed it to a friend of mine. we both were of the opinion that ‘they’ were going to get her. it’s interesting that that specific interview was done in europe, or through a european media company.

the second thing i thought about was the interview she gave to oprah winfrey last year, speaking about your transcendence. i didn’t see the whole interview; however, i did see a bit of when she was speaking about you.

“i thought it can’t be true… no one have i ever met quite like that young man.”

in the interview she also reflected on her own addictions, saying that looking at you was like ‘looking into a mirror’. granted, there can be debate all day about whether you were addicted or dependant; i’m not going to get into that right now. because she apparently/reportedly was found, drowned in a bathtub; there are many options for investigation. the reports have stated that prescription pills were found in the hotel room she drowned in, and that there’s the likeliness that she drowned due to a mixture of xanax and alcohol.

i’m going to change the subject for a moment… the day before ms. houston transcended, i took lumbia to the doctor. she’s been having some issues, throwing up, not wanting to use her box, etc. i timed a lot of this with when she started interacting with the newer cats who moved in. those cats live upstairs but sometimes they do see each other.

lumbia used to go upstairs all the time, even with other cats there. she used to sneak and go to eat their food. now, she dreads going upstairs. i would take her up and she would groan, but now, she puts up a fight. sometimes one of the younger cats will come downstairs and interact with her, and they sniff; then about a minute later lumbia growls. she hasn’t stopped eating – in fact she scarfs down food the second i give it to her- she also runs around and wants to play, but she still seems depressed. whenever i get ready to leave she paces, sometimes thinking i’m not going to feed her before i go, even though i always do. and after her time of long rest, she sees me still up and paces, wondering when I’M gonna get to bed.

she is an older cat (she’s 9), so it’s possible she wants more attention these days. she also loves being around humans, but not other cats. when i took her to the doctor i described all of these situations; the doctor narrowed it down to something behavioural. with that, she wrote a prescription for prozac. i am not a big fan of pharmaceuticals, synthetic analgesics, benzos or anything like that. if i prefer not to use them for myself, would i want to use them on my cat companion? it’s bad enough she gets vaccinated, and is taking these crazy antibiotics. i am always reluctant to do that.

so when i see you being fed an excess of propofol, and seeing that whitney was ‘most likely’ on xanax, i am thankful, with my own history of depression, that i decided to never alter my chemistry with these drugs.

unfortunately, just like it was done with you, there will be a focus on ms. houston’s ‘struggle with addiction’…. even if the reasons why she left this earth have nothing to do with those struggles. a mixture of, say, antidepressants and alcohol is different from her drowning after a cocaine binge. neither one is good, but there is still a difference.

and of course, there is a part of me which processes the circumstances- she was found alone, drowned in a bathtub in a hotel room… i instantly think of jimi hendrix here. of course there is STILL speculation as to how he left. james ‘tappy’ wright claims in a book he wrote that hendrix’ manager admitted to being his murderer due to hendrix wanting to end his contract. john bannister, the autopsy surgeon, stated: “not only was (red wine) saturated right through his hair and shirt, but his lungs and stomach were absolutely full of wine. I have never seen so much wine. We had a sucker that you put down into his trachea, the entrance to his lungs and to the back of his throat. We kept sucking him out and it kept surging and surging. He had already vomited up masses of red wine and I would have thought there was half a bottle of wine in his hair. He had really drowned in a massive amount of red wine.”

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/how-did-jimi-hendrix-die.html

and of course, like you, hendrix was a known insomniac; so he popped some vesperax – it was reported there were nine of them in his system. if indeed mr. hendrix was murdered, his story would match your story in a way, as there are still speculations on whether or not sony and/or AEG were involved in your murder. if hendrix’ ‘death’ was an accident, it would match the (for now) reasoning for ms. houston’s ‘death’.

but all of this is seemingly miniscule in comparison to how i am feeling about this whole thing. at the same time, it’s related. yes, i am getting ready to make a declarative statement- all the people running this industry feed off of the light energy and naivete and youth of so many people. these people just want to get in the business and have no knowledge about how the industry works. they see the end result and are not yet concerned about what earnings are going to be stolen from them, or what media situation they are going to be put through. some of these people don’t know how much they steal your soul.

individuals such as yourself, luther vandross, anita baker, ms. houston, donny hathaway, patti labelle, aretha franklin, diana ross, mariah carey and some others were familiar with the industry in one form or another, before being thrust into international stardom. however, once you are thrust into that life, very few people survive, without suffering from any sort of ‘breakdown’. like you, luther vandross was hounded about his sexual preferences, since he chose not to be open about it every two seconds. donny hathaway was diagnosed with schizophrenia and jumped out of a 5th storey window. mariah carey experienced a VERY public mental breakdown, following (and perhaps during) her marriage to tommy mottola. he was, for all intents and purposes, her handler.

besides ms. carey, you see others in this field, who have clearly had handlers. watching someone like britney spears do an interview is very sad. when STEVIE WONDER speaks of disco music as “preparing us for war” i think he was onto something. i again go back to ms. houston’s statement about the music of today presenting a horrific image.

surely, disco was around to keep us dancing amongst the destruction; however, today’s music is produced along the same lines. the deadened, hypnotic rhythms; the autotuned voices and the apocalyptic lyrics deaden us to the light we could otherwise be encountering with each other, and the world. it’s the “false prophets cry(ing) of doom”. the more access we have to technology, the more we are encouraged to worship celebrities, politicians and preachers as idols- and these figures speak nothing of self-reflection, community, self-determination or autonomy.

back to britney spears- there was an interview i saw where she was speaking to multiple people. the thing is, there was only one other person in the room with her. i do not know if she is diagnosed with a ‘multiple personality dis-order’ or schizophrenia; what i DID see in the interview was that she seemed under control by some sort of handler. it’s well-known that she came out of the ‘mickey mouse club’ era that differed greatly from the original era… or did it? there are people in ‘conspiracy theory’ circles who speak of those coming out of the ‘disney culture’ being victims of MKULTRA-type torture sessions; this could indeed be true for someone like ms. spears, who does look at times as if she suffers from PTSD. there were times she would also flash the paparazzi (either willingly or not); and of course there was the infamous ‘head shaving’ incident. it’s clear to me that she was not doing these things merely to get attention- it may have even been a cry for help. but because there’s no true conversation about mental health in this nation, nor is there a conversation about how celebrity culture IS about a culture of control- on both the figure of idolatry AND the consumer’s behalf- we just take ms. carey and ms. spears’ actions to be crazy.

and even the time when you had little blanket over the balcony- i am amazed no one speaks about the role the fans played in this. fans contribute to the idol worship as well. your claim was that you wanted to please the fans when they asked to see your son. my response to that would be that sometimes, the fans need to respect privacy. people will certainly be angry with this particular view, but it is a view i strongly hold. your attempt to please the fans backfired, causing a media backlash. i am not saying you would have dropped your kid- i did not see evidence of that- but you can’t always try to make people happy, when it affects how your private life is going to be. there has to be a line. because of celebrity worship culture, all eyes are going to be observing YOUR parental skills. it doesn’t matter if parents all over the world throw their kids in the air, knowing there will be a risk of them missing; it only matters if YOU did that, because you are already perceived as crazy.

and it doesn’t matter if parents all over the world drink themselves into a stupor, or if they allow their kids to sit in front of the TV 18 hours a day; it only matters if WHITNEY HOUSTON does that. it doesn’t matter if her daughter, bobbi kristina, loved her mother intensely, and that ms. houston showed an extreme pride in motherhood. people will claim she failed as a mother because she struggled with addiction, or that you failed as a father because of one incident in berlin.

what SHOULD matter is that a young lady lost her mother. a mother who was the world to her. just as your children were the world to you, and you to them. my heart goes out tremendously to bobbi kristina, and to cissy, whitney’s mother; who tried so hard to help her daughter overcome her addictions. i have a terrible feeling ms. houston was aware that her daughter was going to be eaten alive by this culture, and that her worst fear has come true. i can’t even imagine the pain she is experiencing right now.

in many ways i feel for diana ross, and STEVIE as well; they both are losing a lot of their friends and loved ones lately. in recent times, STEVIE/mr. morris lost his mother, brother, you, don cornelius, ms. houston… i haven’t heard ms. ross say too much on her feelings regarding your transcendence- i believe she left a statement to read for the ‘memorial’; i do know she loved and cared for you. hearing her speak on whitney’s transcendence broke my heart. she was set to win a lifetime achievement award for the grammys, and there were people set to do performances in her honour.

i wasn’t even aware of diana ross receiving a lifetime achievement award- the interesting thing is, i was at the library yesterday and ALMOST picked up a book documenting the photographs in her life. before the news of ms. houston’s transcendence broke, ms. ross had this to say in response to receiving a lifetime achievement awards from the organization: “to me, my lifetime achievement, ladies and gentlemen and the rest of the world, are my children.” that’s not unlike something either you said or what was said about you, about how your greatest accomplishment was fatherhood. i was really interested for a while in studying ms. ross’ life, and it amazed me how serious she took motherhood. it’s not something you always hear about. she spoke in 1978 (i think) about how she took some time off in her career to take care of her children. clearly, she was financially able to; but hearing how sure she was of herself and how smart she was about planning her career gave a me a new-found respect for her. it made sense to me that you would choose her to be the second choice to be guardian of your children in your will. yes, people focus on her cut-throat business/career tactics, and that’s fine if people choose to do that; i enjoy the music she releases, and ultimately i just have admiration for her particularly in respect to how she raised her children. i think they are some extremely well-adjusted children.

upon news of ms. houston’s transition, these were the words from ms. ross, regarding the celebration of her life’s achievements:

“i just think that, i wasn’t sure whether i should be here or not… well, it’s supposed to be the day of my celebration and it’s just hard to celebrate when there’s a loss like this… i think i won’t be able to enjoy it, really. i’ll probably, maybe think about it a week, a month, a year from now or maybe… but right now i probably won’t be able to enjoy it really… we’ve lost a lot of really close people this year, just recently… it’s just a lot of loss… valerie simpson’s husband, nick ashford… we have to think maybe they’re in a better place? i don’t know…? we have to kind of think… this transition is maybe in a better place for them all.”

looking at her eyes broke my heart. i also thought of her upon your transition, not only because you requested her as second choice to take care of your children; but also because it was as if she lost not just a friend, but a son. i also feel for all the people who were moved by ms. houston’s art in any way.

in order to survive in that business, you not only need savvy and an awareness of the industry before you delve in; but you also need a strong resolve. artists like diana ross, patti labelle, STEVIE or prince (and NO i do not include madonna here, because i think she carries around some extremely dark energy which maintains her status in the industry) are extremely strong people to maintain in that environment. as strong and powerful as you two were in the industry as artists, i think both you and ms. houston were incredibly sensitive individuals, to the point where it was inevitable that you would be eaten alive. sadly, i see the same sensitivity in mariah carey- and in many ways, mike tyson. perhaps motherhood has changed ms. carey; i cannot say. and of course, mr. tyson suffered great grief due to the loss of his daughter. i just hope that they both get the help they need if they are in need of it, before it’s too late.

we have lost so many creative people this year- and the year has essentially just begun… etta james, don cornelius, johnny otis, david peaston, jimmy castor, whitney… most to all of these people you actually did personally know, or did meet; not to mention the people who AREN’T celebrities, who have transcended. it’s been a year and 9 days since barry transcended, and i think about him all the time. i still let him know that i love him. and as my teacher, i still want to thank you and let you know that every word i write here is with love.

perhaps you will see ms. houston again, wherever you are. if you do, i hope you both have great times. you certainly are in a better place. please say hello to her for us.

love, jamilah

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michael, peace will come, no matter what: a reflection (no. 6)

Posted on January 30, 2012 by jamilah

i am going to make this quick and go through this (yet again): there is a difference between believing, and knowing. if one is confident of the existence of an event, person or thing, this doesn’t make it fact, or absolute truth. then again, even if you KNOW something it may be seen as only an individual, as opposed to an absolute truth.

i’m sure you know where i am getting at here. i don’t follow the ‘death hoax’ community; when i do see commentaries though, i have to wonder. to me, the question is no longer whether or not you have hoaxed your transcendence… the issue is that people are putting it out there as a series of declarative statements- at the same time, emphasizing the word LIE in the word ‘believe’.

if you indeed are still here on this earth (which i do not ‘believe’, but let’s just have this conversation for the sake of an argument or hypothesis) i HIGHLY doubt you are going to appear when people claim you are, according to a numerological study; or some statement made about having ‘four years to get it right’ or whatever.

i think about something you said back in 1983 regarding your work, about:

“creating something that’s so incredible; an illusion. to put people in a situation, no matter what it may be… and give ’em totally the opposite or the unexpected, so much more than what they thought would happen.”

with so many people expecting your return (like elvis presley or tupac shakur) and creating scenarios on how you are going to do it; i’d think if you actually WERE going to return, it would be at a time people would have stopped focusing on it. because you have set up your performative life to be based in fantasy so much of the time, this gave people the creative license to create said scenarios in terms of your physical renaissance.

if indeed you were still physically here i would think it was because you wanted to finally have some peace in your life. if you were here; as much of a perfectionist and image-conscious as you were/are i doubt you’d really orchestrate something so messy as to have family members, friends and associates ‘drop hints’ or make so-called errors in interviews or twitter feeds. i doubt you’d choose to have all of your personal business out there in light of your transcendence. and i HIGHLY doubt you’d want your children to be out in public in the way they are now. perhaps it’s ME casting aspersions; i just don’t think you’d orchestrate something as exploitative as what is going on in the ‘post-transition period’.

i think ‘illusion’ is an operative word; however, it applies in this case. there’s so much of an emphasis on an individual’s return and how he’s playing games with us all, but never the message.

“i know the creator will go. but his work survives. that is why to escape death i attempt to bind my soul to my work.”

your ruminations on michelangelo are fitting. again, why do we choose to hold on to the casing of the creator? why do we choose to make sense of a transcendence by extending a sort of denial, doing our best to seek proof wherever we can find it, regardless of whether or not it’s based in fact?

why does it matter to us whether or not you are still here? if you suddenly popped up and said ‘HA! i fooled you all, i faked my death!’; would that change our perceptions of the teachings?

the connection to the physical is, in many ways, the illusion. this is something you knew very well. the presentation of something- a concert, a song, a news report- is the illusion. the messages inside those illusions are what we tend to miss.

when presented with all of these ‘death hoax’ theories, it’s important to remember there are some who are capitalizing off of the wishes of others who still hope for you to still be here. there are people who waver and alter their responses. there are people who are evasive and give responses to feed into drama. and again, there are the declarative statements.

i acknowledge asking the question of whether or not you were still physically here some time ago, due to there being a lot of holes i n the reportage of your transition; even though there are still holes, i don’t necessarily attribute that to you being a man behind the curtain, controlling this whole event. i eventually asked myself if there was a possibility of others purposefully destroying, altering or omitting information for the sake of capitalizing off of others’ grief. if people still think you’re alive, they will purchase anything ‘official’ with your name on it, because they feel it supports you and your children. and because the people heading the estate, family members and others either do not respond or make comments which could be misconstrued as giving clues or making errors, it makes a ‘death hoax theory’ much more feasible.

i say this, because i tend to hear or see the ‘beLIEvers’ speaking about the usual suspects making these comments. those giving interviews and performing in tributes and ceremonies in honour of you appear to speak the loudest. there are others you may have been close to, who do not publicly speak about you at all. i am thinking they have chosen to grieve quietly.

frankly, even if you are still here on earth, i’d think you’d have a long period of laying low before you’d even think of plotting a ‘comeback’. if this is the case, i think it would be most respectful to just honour the teachings, and be thankful for the experiences and art we got to share in whatever incarnation you had in this life, without anticipating or theorizing a return.

watch me pull all the stops out here now- HA! if we are looking at things numerically (or even biblically), 7 is the number of completion. as you transcended (from the casing we have all become familiar with) on the 25th of june, mathematically you have moved on from one cycle to another if you add the 2 and the 5.

i’m sure that made little sense, but here is a numerologist speaking of the number 7 in relation to you:

“…a fear of his imminent death had become a permanent part of his existence for at least two years, since August or September of 2007. I don’t know if there was anyone in his life close enough that he would have shared his most inner and private thoughts, but if there was, that person would know exactly what I am talking about.

And this is where the number 7 comes into the picture. Often, when a person becomes genuinely aware of his or her mortality, it boosts that individual’s need for spiritual comprehension to much higher levels, a comprehension that is symbolized by the number 7. Like the chicken and the egg, we can argue whether the number 7 started occurring in his life as a result of Michael’s increased need for a connection with his spirit, or whether his spiritual hunger was the result of the recurring presence of the 7, either way, the two go hand-in-hand.”

http://www.tarot.com/blog/?p=427

this makes absolute sense to me, in relation to the hoax theories. as a person who constantly did seek out a connection with the spirit, it would make sense that you would want to move on from one aspect of your life into another.

and even when you were on your (what i consider to be a) ‘death bed’ you were striving to continue the teachings. it was that completion- to have all your debts settled (of course), and to bring forth the world’s largest children’s hospital. the thing which upsets me the most about the ‘hoax theories’ is again, not even whether or not you are ‘alive’; but that i don’t see any attempts to look beyond the casing.

when will there be the day we look within ourselves to do the work which inspired us? we can never avoid the inevitability of physical ‘death’; but what are we doing to ensure our work is eternal?

love, jamilah

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michael, peace will come, no matter what: a reflection (no. 5)

Posted on January 25, 2012 by jamilah

i’m making this quick today…

the other day as i was cleaning my room, i began listening to many of your albums… despite doing this blog and engaging you as my teacher, i don’t always think about the brilliance of your art. i say this because i tend to speak of you outside of music and dance. listening to these albums though, always helps me to remember. and then i get distracted because i begin to sing and dance, forgetting what i was doing.

the day after i cleaned my room, i learned that yesterday (the 24th) was the 40th anniversary of the day your work was presented to the world, in album form- ‘got to be there’- the first major artistic statement made without your brothers alongside you. yes, you heard them singing in the background on occasion; you also saw them perform songs from this album with you live. still, this was an historic mark which sealed your fate in a way, for better or for worse…. and perhaps to the consternation of your father and brothers. history (in the sense we all are familiar with when it comes to you) may have not yet been made- again though, the fate was sealed with this one little venture.

before ‘beat it’, ‘thriller’ or motown 25 entered the subconscious of the public at large; my mother used to play ‘wings of my love’ on rotation. there was always one or two songs an album she’d repeat, over and over and over… for the ‘got to be there’ album, that was one of them. to me, it was different than much of the motown ‘hits’ she’d been playing. you didn’t hear the metronome-like presicion or the formula which made the label recognizable. it sounded ultimately like a jazz tune, or a pop standard. i remember songs like ‘wings of my love’ being close to my heart than ANYTHING by the four tops or the supremes. i remember the pop in the vinyl, that glorious string introduction… i don’t even know if, as a child, i made the connection that it was even you without your brothers.

and even though i knew there were covers on the album, i remember having appreciation for the arrangements. having grown up on motown, when i heard your rendition of the supremes’ ‘love is here and now you’re gone’, i found it refreshing… was it me making that connection with the youthful reading of your rendition? i don’t know.

i grew up with you and your brothers (in both jackson 5 and jacksons’ form), and ‘wings of my love’ has always stayed in my heart, more than any other tune from those eras. even if i’ve expanded my aural palate with your works as well as others, there’s a sentimentality to it i can’t shake.

i remember being a kid and falling in love with your fro. to me, you had the greatest fro i had ever seen on earth. as far as i am concerned, that is uncontested. even though you and i essentially have the same (or similar) hair texture, there’s something about your crown that makes me so happy. you can tell it was well taken care of. you had a WHOLE LOT OF HAIR. it was quite thick. you actually saw how thick (and long) your hair was in the aftermath of the infamous ‘pepsi accident’. i also appreciate seeing the variety of textures. like my hair, your hair had its moments of wavy (with some straighter) in the midst of all the coiled textures… even during the bad tour you could see some of that variety and chaotic beauty which is ‘our hair’. i would not trade it for anything.

i wanted more than anything to have an afro, but i didn’t think my mother would let me get one, because it appeared to be ‘un-presentable’. she never said this to me; however, with the hot combs which turned into relaxers- plus the unfavourable comments toward my (and my sister’s) kinky/curly texture, i didn’t even bother to ask if an afro was an option. all i could do was longingly gaze at the album covers…

and of course, i am fulfilling one of my childhood dreams right now, as i now DO proudly wear a fro. after the relaxers, i ended up shaving my head for a few years in response. interestingly, i never got jheri curls, care free curls or anything like that. i didn’t follow the ‘michael jackson (TM) hair trend’… HA! after years of having very little hair, i grew locs. i still thought about wearing a fro during those years. i cut my locs after 11 years because of the negative events happening in my life- that energy was very much in my hair. despite feeling very free without the negative energy, i still wasn’t taking care of myself, or my hair. due to that, my hair would fall out in clumps. i began to educate myself on caring for my hair… and now, i have a big ‘ol fro! persistence, and patience, pays off- as i’m sure you know.

alas, i digress yet again.

i am thankful every day for having been on this earth to have experienced your brilliance, your wisdom… your art; and to be old enough to have seen you develop at least some of this… to grow up seeing you and your brothers, never even expecting what was to come- establishing a home for your creative essence and teachings, on earth and beyond…

and as i write this on the 25th of january; it is now officially 2 1/2 years since that fateful announcement of your transcendence. and as i am still saddened by that announcement; i know now is not the time to focus on that sadness, thus expelling that energy to the world. if i made the conscious decision to be nice to myself this year, i am going to work towards utilizing that same energy to others.

make that change.

and change, some people are doing. you know the school you went to once, in the 6th grade? the same school which, due to the trial, covered up your name and then, after your transcendence uncovered it in dedication of their auditorium? well, this school has opened up a music lab in your honour.

“School officials unveiled the new Michael Jackson Music Education Laboratory Monday morning at the pop star’s former elementary school.

The lab is set up in Jackson’s old sixth-grade classroom. Principal Kenneth Urbina said the goal is “to have every child leave the school musically talented.”

The lab is the result of a community effort involving the Hollywood Hills West Neighborhood Council, the Youth Policy Institute, which donated computer hardware, and Adventus, a Canadian company, which donated the lab’s computer software.

“I personally think music can do amazing things for kids especially at a young age,” said Marcello Robinson, a board member of the Hollywood Hills West Neighborhood Council.”

http://hollywood.patch.com/articles/gardner-elementary-school-unveils-michael-jackson-music-education-lab

as you know, i don’t always support posthumous events done in your honour (because they appear exploitative to me); however, due to the work of the respective communities involved here- plus the goal of the lab to support young people in honing their artistic talents- i wholeheartedly support this, and hope it is able to continue… ESPECIALLY since so many music programs in schools are dwindling. i feel that programs like this are the perfect continuation and honouring of the teachings.

if we can focus our energy on seeing to it that our communities are provided for (with the goal of self-sufficiency), then we WILL be able to see a lot of positive change.

and somehow, i know you are smiling at some of the steps taken to get there.

love, jamilah

Posted in africa, art, children, dreams, economy, freedom, justice, life, michael jackson, technology, transcendence | Leave a comment

michael, peace will come, no matter what: a reflection (no. 4)

Posted on January 18, 2012 by jamilah

i have declared 2012 the year i treat myself nicely… as lumbia is curled up on my lap resting (after trying several times to climb on me as i was running errands) i’m thinking to myself, ‘this is the life’. if life were only that simple…

fortunately, for me; in many ways it IS that simple. despite, for all intents and purposes, being part of a population called the ‘working poor’ my heart is very rich. i mean, i am fortunate to have a beautiful cat resting on my lap, well-fed and hydrated; i live in a house with people whose company i enjoy; i have a place of employment, where i enjoy the people i work with…. i have no major attachments- i own nothing they ‘say’ you are supposed to own, for people in my age range: the credit cards, house, car… my living has pretty much always been simple, and i am appreciative of that. i am thankful everyday for being given the gift of life and breath on this earth, and the ability to do the work i do…

…especially in light of invasive policy being signed in this country. i want to speak about SOPA for a minute, michael. you know (or maybe you don’t)- the ‘stop online piracy act’, and the ‘protect IP act’ (PIPA). i know there was that one time you laughed at the word ‘pirates’ at a certain world music awards event, when the subject of music piracy was mentioned. perhaps you were thinking of the ‘pirates of the caribbean’? who knows.

i DO know there was a time you spoke out against such invasive policies.

http://www.hollywood.com/news/Michael_Jackson_Slams_Music_Piracy_Bill/1722880

“I am speechless about the idea of putting music fans in jail for downloading music. It is wrong to download but the answer cannot be jail; it is the fans that drive the success of the music business; I wish that would not be forgotten… Here in America we create new opportunities out of adversity, not punitive laws. We should look to new technologies, like Apple’s new Itunes Music Store, for solutions. This way, innovation continues to be the hallmark of America.”

this is what you said in response to the ‘authors, consumer and computer owners protection and security act of 2003’. well, you’d be happy to know that the RIAA (recording industry association of america), as well as the MPAA (motion picture association of america) are at it again, with this SOPA bill.

today, there is going to be a staged blackout from several sites (such as wikipedia and reddit, with some support of people dealing in sites like craigslist, even GOOGLE) which this bill claims to ‘protect from foreign pirates’. what does chris dodd, the head of the MPAA have to say about this?

“A so-called ‘blackout’ is yet another gimmick, albeit a dangerous one, designed to punish elected and administration officials who are working diligently to protect American jobs from foreign criminals.”

http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2012/jan/17/wikipedia-blackout-tech-firms-sopa?newsfeed=true

here is information about the bill:

http://gizmodo.com/5877000/what-is-sopa

need i repeat what you said? i think i will.

“it is the fans that drive the success of the music business; I wish that would not be forgotten…”

bills like this will clearly hinder any innovation prompted by fans or consumers, because its goal is monopolization by major corporations. as you mentioned back in 2002, major companies do not respect artists- they have to keep working in order to survive. and YES, i do wonder if, in the end, this was the case for you… if an artist does not have the leverage of the kind you had, they are going to sink. no artist in this day and age would be able to single-handedly purchase a publishing company. as you knew, they worked hard to take that from you.

and it’s already been said- isn’t what these major corporations doing piracy? they inflate prices of their products. it doesn’t match the value of the product they put out. it’s ALSO thievery when the materials released have no substance- downloading became more and more popular in a time when the public found the music being released was not worth paying the full price for. we’re now in a time where there are charts for numbers of RINGTONES sold. i mean, come ON.

and: in my research for the corporations/companies in support of this bill, guess what? SONY/ATV was one of them. i’ll wait for a response on that one, hee hee..

seriously though- i have no idea if branca, weitzman or mc clain (the people running the estate) had any say in this matter, so i reserve judgement on that. however, it is extremely clear that SONY CORPORATION’S music division (…) was a huge proponent of the bill being passed.

a lot of folks will defend sony in several ways, by saying you focused your vitriol on tommy mottola as opposed to the corporation as a whole; in 2002 though, you referred to mottola as being racist, but you referred to the music industry as a whole (SONY INCLUDED) as killing the spirit and creativity of art, and taking advantage of artists.

the ‘sony sucks’ movement was ultimately a fan-generated one, to bring attention to what they felt was SONY’s disregard of your talents, by not promoting the ‘invincible’ album. most of the fans did not even know what was going on behind the scenes at that time, as to why they decided to stop promoting the album. while i feel that ‘invincible’ is a great album (and actually one of my favourites of yours), the FULL story behind it all is one that will only be known between you and all involved. to me, the story of ‘invincible’ will always be a traditional marxist tale if you will (i’m not even a fan of traditional marxism, but hear me out here)- that the corporation will always see to it that the workers will never achieve power. the worker only holds a certain amount of value over a certain point in time, and can, and will, always be replaced when the corporation’s wishes/needs have been fulfilled.

i think you ended up realizing this WAAAAAAAAAY before you acknowledged it in 2002, but it may have been too late, due to contractual restrictions.

“the tradition of great performers… the story is usually the same… these guys work really hard at their craft; but the story ends the same. they usually are broken, torn and usually just sad… because the companies take advantage of them…. SONY– being the artist that i am, at SONY; i’ve generated several billion dollars at SONY…. we can’t let them get away with what they are trying to do…. i’m leaving them, and they’re very angry at me… i just did good business you know? so, the way they get revenge is to try and destroy my album!”

all of this was said before the infamous words, “tommy mottola is a devil.” it was as if you wanted to make a specific point of how companies hire certain individuals in order to keep institutions like racism alive. you are essentially speaking to the same issues as elders such as bo diddley and lavern baker have spoken to…

speaking of ms. baker, she actually DID petition congress to create a law which made it illegal for a song’s arrangement to be copied, note for note. this developed due to an arrangement of the song ‘tweedlee dee’ covered by (white) artist georgia gibbs, which charted higher than ms. baker’s version, perpetuating the tradition of companies’ giving more attention to white artists, whilst relegating black artists to ‘race’, ‘R&B’ or ‘soul’ music.

and as you also mentioned, there’s only so far they will let black artists go:

“i’m here to speak for ALL injustice… you gotta remember something. the minute i started breaking the all-time record in record sales; i broke elvis’ records, i broke beatles records… the minute it became the all-time, best selling album in history in the guinness book of world records, OVERNIGHT they called me a freak, they called me a homosexual; they called me a child molester… they said that i bleached my skin… they made everything to turn the public against me. this is all complete, complete conspiracy, you have to know that.”

the next person who speaks of ‘skin bleaching’ i shall point them to this photo… as far as i can see, this was an ‘unguarded moment’. due to whatever image you worked to uphold for yourself, i don’t think you’d go around shaking hands with random people, with a hand and wrist clearly missing pigment. unless… you forgot you were not wearing make-up, or a glove. your chest and neck areas also appear to be missing pigment in this photo as well. we spoke about that before. i just wanted to show another angle of the situation. i highly doubt someone as private as you would purposefully bleach skin, and make that open to the world in a manner such as the photo above. i’m just saying. and knowing people who have vitiligo, your hand certainly does not look like a case of bleaching.

i personally would not have minded one bit if you didn’t conceal the effects of vitiligo; but i grasp why you did.

(on another note, ms. baker did a version of the song ‘think twice’ with your man jackie wilson, that would put some of these cats today to shame, in terms of language… people talk about the ‘good ‘ol days’ of music, and how ‘clean’ it was- well, they haven’t heard folks like millie jackson, i guess… their rendition of ‘think twice’ is essentially equivalent to stuff they put out today- but a lot more clever. alls i gotta say is, don’t mess with la vern baker!!! but i digress…)

if you didn’t feel passionate about how a label like sony took advantage of artists, would you have willingly held a fan-made sign which read “SONY SUCKS”? i know you were kind to your fans; but really michael, if you were going to focus your anger on mottola, it would have stayed with mottola. you would NOT have spoken out in any way against the industry, or even the label in which you were indebted to, even after you left- we need to remember that they STILL held the masters to your music, and they most likely will until 2017, when that posthumous contract ends. if you wanna talk about the REAL pirates, we will.

and i’m not exactly the greatest conspiracy theorist; but you were talking about something people didn’t want to hear, be it in the industry or not. why would ‘michael jackson (TM)’ be exposing the music industry? when you tried to exert some power at a stage where they DECIDED you didn’t have any… well, we know what happened. you had a 2005 TRIAL in which (from my study of it) the testimonies and transcripts contradicted the charges; you had dealings with people who, according to you, stole your money and assets; and you had (again from my studies, as discussed previously) a ‘promissory note’ which was forged as a contract, in order to get you to do a series of shows which never ended up happening, due to your transition. i have NO qualms in saying there WAS some sort of a conspiracy that occurred.

this is nothing new, and it’s sad (though not surprising) that the situation continues to perpetuate itself in many forms.

if SOPA were to pass, will fans and consumers continue to financially support an industry which does not support them? will artists continue to entrap themselves in record deals which they essentially receive no rights or respect?

those who suport the bill claim that it’s addressing only ‘foreign sites’; however, many users of the internet outside of the states utilize u.s. based sites, and put their materials on these sites. ultimately, this would affect the u.s.-based sites, and under this bill, said sites could be shut down for hosting these ‘foreign pirates’. also, sites like youtube have people (who live in the states) uploading full films and albums. youtube, owned by google, is far from a ‘foreign site’. who are we kidding? youtube also has a system where they work to filter out copyrighted content not uploaded by the copyrighter. and even though youtube has developed this system where people pay for films (i suppose in competition with companies like netflix), people are still going to check to see if there’s free versions of the films or music on the site. there are also many people who already paid for and own copies of the music and films they listen to and watch on youtube. the many comments can attest. there are also comments stating that music was purchased after discovering an artist through mediums like youtube. there are also people like dexter wansel (who worked with you- or at least this person claims to be wansel) openly thanking people for keeping his works alive through mediums such as youtube. as many problems as the internet has, one of its benefits is intergenerationalism. if it were not for youtube, it’s most likely people born in the 1990s would not be aware of the music their favourite artists sample for instance; because their parents may have gotten rid of all of those records. people purchase music to support ARTISTS, not corporations. the corporations, knowing this; take advantage of that and inflate prices and don’t pay the artists in royalties fairly. the focus should be on ways to 100% financially support artists, bypassing the major corporations- because they are not beneficial to artists.

this bill is ultimately about the loss of revenue for these industries, and the desire to hold on to whatever little ‘influence’ they have (which is through lobbying); it’s about who holds the licensing to materials, and not even individual copyrights or publishing- which artists SHOULD hold the rights to, in an ideal situation. RIAA and the MPAA have tried this in past incarnations… and in 1984, the states were trying to deal with an onslaught of fake cabbage patch kid dolls from taiwan- and, you guessed it- ‘michael jackson (TM)’ shades!!!

here’s more information about actions taken to try to stop certain types of technological ‘progress’ from happening:

http://io9.com/copyright/

i will always respect you immensely for rightfully returning little richard’s publishing back to him (which was a part of ATV), free of strings. you also tried to return sylvester stewart’s (aka: sly stone’s) publishing back (after he sold it to you for JUST $1 MILLION), but for some reason, he refused. you stayed true to your word in respecting the elders you felt got no respect in the industry.

and as i write this, listening to who i consider your artistic father, STEVIE WONDER; all of this makes me wonder how artists such as he would be treated today, if they were new to the industry. he would NEVER be able to do the art he was able to do when he initially did it. he would never be able to present his vision, because it would be stifled by a bigger force than berry gordy, concerned with record sales and quarter reports. artists like you would never be able to develop and market any of your works in the way you did.

i am glad to have lived through a period (as brief as it was) where artists had freedom to create their visions on their terms, and art on its surface was not dictated by sales. artists like marvin gaye withheld their art until they got it produced in the way THEY wanted it. and you know what? people responded to this freedom by PURCHASING IT. how novel of an idea, eh?

if a SOPA were to exist in, say, 1937, YOU would, decades later be essentially banned from freely utilizing carl orff’s ‘oh fortuna’ from his ‘carmina burana’ piece in your concerts. or to be even MORE specific- MOST popular music would not even exist, because johann pachelbel would have the industry on lockdown- since so much of pop music is based on his ‘canon’ piece. and let’s see… bob fosse would have your performance of ‘billie jean’ banned, since it’s inspired by his performance in ‘the little prince’; and sammy davis jr. could sue bob fosse (and you) for ‘taking’ from him, etc., etc. you see how ridiculous this ‘copyright infringement/intellectual property’ issue can become, if done in the way it’s done by these legislators? to defend it, again, is to DEFEND CORPORATIONS, NOT ARTISTS.

art is about innovating and being inspired by what our elders have presented to this world. the corporations clearly don’t want to acknowledge that sound is ultimately comprised of a series of vibrations- vibrations which can be owned by no one on this earth. it’s like the medical industry trying to patent plants. yes, artists should indeed be respected and paid for their work in some way, but that’s not even the way it is working now. artists are owned by corporations, and if SOPA passes (in it’s current, obviously ‘confusing’ form), the ownership will continue.

“it is the fans that drive the success of the music business; I wish that would not be forgotten…”

it’s time for all of us to begin to treat ourselves with love and respect. let us break free from the bindings which entrap us, artistically, and otherwise. if you ‘own’ anything, know that in the end, when you leave this earth it will no longer ‘belong’ to you.

in combining the technology and the spirit, the elder horace silver has placed these words into our sphere some time ago:

the total computation that my computer makes
will incarnate my spirit in form desire takes.
when all desire ceases, computer’s work is done
i’ll come to know the spirit and freedom can be won.

the many imperfections of personality
are here in my computer within the depths of me
as i begin to profit from lessons life will teach,
my soul computes the progress my character has reached.

if i will start correcting my personality
my character will shape up to make a better me
with character perfected i have no further need
of using my computer the spirit will be freed.

love,
jamilah

(p.s. i just found out that the site i wrote this entry on is doing a ‘blackout/protest’ of SOPA as well… i can roll with that. i’m just saying.)

Posted in art, cats, freedom, justice, law, life, michael jackson, net nutrality, politics, technology, transcendence, universal law, vitiligo | Leave a comment

michael, peace will come, no matter what: a reflection (no. 3)

Posted on December 29, 2011 by jamilah

there’s nothing like the calming reflection of jazz music in the evening as i am writing to you… you know, i try to defend your works as being not only in the realm of pop, but also in jazz; and no one seems to agree with, or believe me. such is life.

there’s something to be said for a man who can cover many artistic grounds- that makes him an ARTIST. not a musician, singer, dancer, writer… an artist.

but there i go again, digressing. i said i was going to continue that conversation with you, as i was drifting off. i try to not break my promises, even if the promise is made later than i said i was going to make it. but yes, jazz is just so soothing to me. right now, i am listening to sam rivers, who transcended a couple of days ago. i don’t even know if you’ve heard of him or his works, or even if you’ll see him wherever you are now; but if you do, perhaps you can sing along with the melodies of his tenor saxophone.

love though… love should be like a good jazz tune- free, calming and filled with so many intricacies that you can spend years together, and you’ll always discover something new. regardless of that love- parental, romantic, platonic- it should bloom like a freshly pollinated flower; it should be as warm as a cat curled up in a little ball on your lap; as unique as the threads on a sweater made by a grandmother…

it worries me though, that there was a major chance you did not feel that love.

okay, i’m going to narrow it down here, because we’ve discussed more than a few times the notion of familial love (in particular, with your father)- i’m sure there will be more times to discuss this. we’ve also discussed platonic love to a lesser extent, and i definitely want to return to that realm. right now though, i am focused on romantic love. as you know, it’s not something i’m an expert in, even having experienced it. i’m a living testament, as someone who has experienced something, but not necessarily one who can give advice or share words of wisdom.

i am interested in how traumatic experiences shape how one views romantic love. it can go several ways: one can turn out to be abusive, promiscuous, or cold to any feelings. or, one can beat the odds and turn out well-adjusted.

interestingly, i found this piece, clearly written prior to your transcendence. it’s seemingly based on your natal charts:

http://famous-relationships.topsynergy.com/Michael_Jackson/

He is a gentle, poetic soul and has a great love and affinity for music. Because many of his feelings are vague and he cannot easily verbalize how he experiences life, music seems a natural language for Jackson. He is also extremely romantic and often “in love with love”.

Michael Jackson tends to have strange quirks, idiosyncrasies, or domestic habits, and he may feel that he does not fit in with “normal” people. These could be endearing eccentricities, or truly outlandish tastes and behavior. Establishing a steady routine and rhythm in his life and relationships would be very beneficial but may not be easily achieved. Ideally Michael Jackson can create a unique lifestyle that affords him a lot of personal space, freedom, and flexibility to follow his own somewhat erratic rhythms – while at the same time providing some order and consistency. There is a current of emotional discontent or restlessness within Michael also, which may be reflected in unstable personal relationships of the on again/off again variety. Michael Jackson craves change and excitement whether he realizes it consciously or not.

Warmhearted and generous in love relationships, Michael Jackson cannot tolerate pettiness or stinginess in his partner. Michael wants a hero to idolize and adore, someone to wholeheartedly admire and be proud of. Michael Jackson is tremendously loyal and devoted once he gives his heart to someone.

Michael Jackson craves love, appreciation and attention from others and hates to be ignored. He is rather susceptible to flattery and loves to feel special. Jackson enjoys a touch of drama and color in his love relationships and he is impressed by grand romantic gestures or extravagant expressions of generosity.

Loyalty, fidelity and security are very important to Michael Jackson in love relationships. He is cautious about giving his heart away but true to the one who does win his love. His tastes are simple, even austere, and he does not appreciate frivolity. Jackson is interested in a person’s character and inner qualities far more than in his or her appearance. Casual or superficial relationships do not interest Michael Jackson at all, for love seems to get deeper and richer and more satisfying for him with time.

When it comes to love relationships, Jackson is likely to feel pulled in several directions at once. In addition to his desire for depth and security in his relationships, Michael Jackson has an impulsive side and a need for a lot of variety and excitement… These urges do not have to conflict, but they certainly can, especially if Michael acts on his spontaneous impulses without much consideration for their long-term effects on his personal life.

He is excitable, spontaneous, and easily aroused emotionally and sexually. Michael Jackson falls in love very quickly and has little self-restraint or concern for propriety when his feelings have been stirred. However, it may be difficult for Michael to sustain relationships after the first rush of excitement wanes, especially if Jackson’s partner is basically a conservative person who does not like to change or experiment. Nontraditional relationships appeal to Michael Jackson, and personal freedom is or paramount importance to him.

Michael Jackson has a need for calm and peaceful surrounding, but his somewhat passionate nature could bring on arguments and fights about love matters. Michael Jackson loves his work and may connect his profession with a hobby in some way.

He is quickly aroused and likes to play with fire. A bit of a Don Juan, Michael Jackson seeks adventures in love relationships, but tends to be somewhat promiscuous. Jackson tends to lead a modern way of life; his style of clothes as well as general life style.

i have to say, looking at things you’ve said in interviews in particular, this article got a great majority correct. however, i’d apply some of it to other facets of your life though. i mean, we can go through this: i’m going to speak on the highlighted stuff.

(1. how many times have you spoken of the stage as a place of refuge? how many times have you stated that, if you want people to understand you, they only need to listen to your compositions- in particular, ‘childhood’, which you claimed was the most truthful song you ever wrote? understandably, because you essentially DID grow up in a proverbial bubble, it makes sense that this would be the easiest way for you to communicate with ‘the outside world’, aka “normal people”.

(2. of course, those ‘on/off relationships’ are evident to the day you left this earth, with people like frank dileo and john branca returning into your life. we can debate the nature in which this occured, but that’s not where i want to go right now. stay with me, michael… i am getting to my point, i really am.

(3. this one, we can take it several places… if we ARE going to speak of trauma, it COULD be related to your drive to be the best, for both your father AND your profession. in striving to be the best, your performances become more and more extravagant and unbelievable, thus impressing millions of fans- and non-fans alike, particularly after 2009. since ultimately, you did share a relationship of sorts with fans, their gestures towards you were also grand; presenting you with custom-made gifts, or simply sleeping outside wherever you stayed around the world. undoubtedly this made you feel special and loved… ultimately, this is bound to make one isolated, in order to be able to just breathe.

and of course, with some of your lady friends you opted to give them prominent pieces of jewellery as gifts, and flaunt them on camera.

i always found this quite funny, considering you were likely to be seen in your pyjamas and run-down loafers in public… i happen to like that, but that’s just me. i acknowledge the possibility of me being utterly incorrect as i make a huge assumption right now (based on what i consider to be my own frame of reference); however observing what brooke shields said about your relationship…

“Thinking back to when we met and the many times that we spent together and whenever we were out together, there would be a caption of some kind, and the caption usually said something like ‘an odd couple’ or ‘an unlikely pair,’ but to us it was the most natural and easiest of friendships… Michael always knew he could count on me to support him or be his date and that we would have fun no matter where we were. We had a bond… Both of us needed to be adults very early, but when we were together, we were two little kids having fun.”

…i think she was a major source of support for you, in your emotional difficulties regarding romantic relationships. you both DID have to grow up so fast- i did not know much about her, so i looked up her life… my jaw fell to the ground. that lady was exploited to a level i was not even aware of. i thought that ‘calvin klein’ ad campaign was the bulk of the exploitation. i remember those ads when they came out very clearly. boy, was i wrong. because of how you two grew up, i think she best understood whatever needs you had over the years, in ways others were not willing or able to understand.

with that, i have a clarifying question- yes, i know it cannot physically be answered, as you are on another plane. still, it does not hurt to ask. when you said this to shmuley boteach:

“That was one of the loves of my life. I think she loved me as much as I loved her, you know? We dated a lot. We, we went out a lot.”

i am trying to imagine the tones, the cadences. when you stated that you “went out” a lot with her, was this a point of clarification on the word ‘date’? or, did your interpretation of dating contradict what brooke shield’s interpretation of it meant? did that interpretation change for you over time? did you ultimately envision yourselves as two friends having a good time, or was it truly romantic for you? were those feelings (un)requited?

and was the jewellery a notion of individual conquest for you? or was it simply a friendly gesture? was it a display of romantic assertiveness, to prove to the public that you had a ‘sexual nature’?

i do find it curious/interesting that the women you were attracted to, either romantically, emotionally or platonically, displayed an unparalleled sense of glamour and glitz and/or flamboyance. i mean… elizabeth taylor? diana ross? liza minelli?

(4. okaaaaaaaaaay… this is a difficult one. i automatically have in my mind: lisa marie and the rift you two had due to her not wanting to have children with you, and you wanting children. i would think that this is something that should be established between two people before they make a commitment of marriage. the desire to have children or not to have them is a major thing. unless… it WAS discussed, and she changed her mind. i was not there, so i cannot make any judgements. i think she was a ‘good sport’ to travel with you all those places to the children’s hospitals. you were giving her a pretty clear model on what you wanted to do with your life; i cannot say that she let you know what SHE wanted. i say this due to her statements that she worked essentially to try to make your marriage work, until she eventually felt pushed away. again, i was not there to say whether or not she was lying.

the ‘urges’ to have kids were so strong though, that you ended up having kids with debbie rowe, while the signatures to the divorce papers hadn’t even dried yet. when you want something, you can’t be stopped. that’s been proven. did that have long-term effects on the relationship between yourself and lisa marie? i am going to say both yes and no. the both of you did spend some time together after your divorce, so even though your relationship may have been tumultuous at times, i think there was a genuine care you had for one another.

ultimately though, even though she grew up in a bubble herself, her approach to life appears to relate more to the ‘outside world’ than your approach ever did.

(5. that sentence about the ‘non-traditional relationships’ is perhaps the truest thing said about you in that whole piece. and again, i don’t think it’s something the outside world’ can relate to. because of this, people who opt for these types of relationships are considered strange, or anomalies. antiquated, even.

(6. …like visiting children’s hospitals…

(7. promiscuous? flirtatious perhaps, but promiscuous? nah. unless EVERYTHING you’ve said over the years about ‘no sex before marriage’ was a big lie.

this little essay on you reminds me of a portion of a conversation you had with your friend glenda (stein)… ironically, that conversation was recorded by glenda’s husband, who thought she was cheating on him with you, if i’m not mistaken. you can’t win, can ya michael?

anyways, this portion of the conversation i believe was referring to tatiana thumbtzen, who was fired (allegedly by mr. dileo) after she surprisingly gave you a kiss on stage at madison square garden. if this is NOT the back story (or even the conversation had in relation to her), let me be stood corrected.

“…we were talking about the situation that had happened. and she says, ‘you know i love you michael and i’ll do whatever it takes’… so i had to be honest with her… one of the things she told me… she goes like, ‘well i’d like to spend some time with you before you leave… because of what happened, you know…’ …she knew before that i was kinda interested in her… and i know i can trust this girl… i don’t have any bad feelings, i told you that.

…when she was talkin’… she goes, ‘well i know your situation… i could never see you again, or if something should happen and i’m really worried about that and i just wanna be with you. you know, one to one… without the whole gang being around. i just, it’s important to me…. to be with you. i don’t care, and i really wanna spend time with you.'”

okay, a jamilah break: i have been in her position, i know EXACTLY how she feels, to want to be with someone so badly, but certain situations hinder it.

this was a woman TRULY. IN. LOVE. you had something that got that lady HOOKED.

and back to your conversation:

you: she told me that she’s afraid that she’s gonna lose me as a friend or whatever; she’s afraid she’s not going to see me.

glenda: but she must care for you.

you: yeah, i know she does.

glenda: so what are you gonna do?

you: well i’m gonna… i’m gonna be with her… and she said ‘well, i want what’s best for you!’ i said , ‘damn it! let me make my own mistakes! if it’s a mistake, fine; if it’s not, fine. but just…’

glenda: how come people are so protective of you? you have a lot of people who really love you, and want the best for you. you’re not alone… tell me something, you know what? you told me before that you’re the loneliest person.

you: i AM!

glenda: then how can you be that way when there’s so many people out there-

you: ‘cos i don’t LOVE those people!

it’s gotta be hard speaking about your life with someone who lives in the ‘outside world’ eh? i hear her sincerely trying to understand where you are coming from, but it’s really hard for people who are living with trauma to express themselves in a ‘normal’ world. as private as you were though; i commend you for opening up even THAT MUCH to someone. i’m sure it was very difficult. but it’s a start.

you already know how i feel about the ‘way you make me feel’ ‘short film’ and the nightmares it gives me, so i’m not going to get into that right now. aside from that point, looking at how you are with tatiana, i’d say you two look cute together. you really do! HOWEVER- how you look with her, AS WELL AS with siedah garrett at the bucharest show in 1992, with diana ross at certain points, with brooke shields, tatum o’neal and OTHER ladies, i’d say the essay is pretty correct on the ‘don juan’ sentiment. does this mean you slept around? of COURSE not. in fact, i’ll go as far as to say a lot of the thoughts of you being promiscuous in any way are pure conjecture. i’d just say, for a guy so shy and unable to relate to the ‘outside world’, you’ve got that part of you down pretty well. you’re extremely flirtatious, chivalrous and assertive in certain ways with the ladies.

or is that all performance? is it overcompensation for shyness or naiveté? OR, in tatiana’s situation, you WERE genuinely interested in her, but her specific type of assertiveness turned you off? are you the type of person to take on more traditional roles regarding relationships, despite the ‘non-traditional’ routes you liked to go? was tatiana ‘wife material’ for you at some point? is that something you had hoped for, when all of a sudden, this public relations nightmare happened?

if indeed dileo fired ms. thumbtzen and you did not step in to object, how much control did you have really? OR… did you want her out, and in your aversion to conflict, you let dileo do the job? everything about the situation is extremely vague.

and it’s extremely devastating to hear you speak on these things, but it does give one a bit of insight of what it’s like to live in a bubble, and how hard it really is to relate to people in situations where it’s easy for what seems like everyone else to speak about.

you: i’ve never had… i mean, i’ve been with tate. i’ve been, well not with. i been with tate. i thought i was with diana, it was just in my own mind…

glenda: how long did it take for you to get over diana?

you: years… a HELL of a long time. i just wanna know what it’s like, girl. to have a real relationship with someone who doesn’t want me for me. that i don’t… i don’t have to look over my shoulder all the time.

tate… i dealt with tate when i was younger… she came up to me in a club… she put her hand on mine, i couldn’t believe it… i would give her money, i would give her jewellery, i would give her a house, a car, whatever. and it was never good enough. it was like, you know…

glenda: well she wanted all of you michael, she wanted… she wanted a relationship.

you: she knew how i was from the beginning. it wasn’t like she didn’t-

glenda: well she was probably hoping… that it would change….

you: no, not until i got married.

on tatum o’neal, you said to martin bashir:

“i don’t think i was ready for some of the things she was talking about… i was pretty naive, i’m not joking.”

in that specific scene, your eyes look so, SO sad, not unlike reminiscing an emotionally traumatizing experience. unrequited love can certainly be traumatizing in some ways, if you are a sensitive person. watching your body language too; you reverted back to teenage mode, like a teenager just exploring romantic love and not knowing where to go. the subtle lift of the eyebrows when you mention her name, representing the shame in even recalling the moments… it’s all very sad to watch.

it reminds me of how callously we treat the subject of romance, and love in general.

i mean, you spent more than 3/4ths of your life on a stage. and most of that was not even a literal stage. to have to remain in a performance state for the majority of your life has got to be difficult for anyone. the performance of gender, sexuality, political beliefs in ways which don’t necessarily adhere to your own modes of being has got to be extremely difficult…

the idea that notions of gender or sexuality are going to remain the same for everyone during a whole life cycle is dangerously limiting to ‘humanity’ as a whole. i’m not speaking about the binary spectrum of ‘straight’ or ‘gay’ even. i am speaking about the deeper effects of sexuality in relation to trauma. again, under these conditions there’s the possibility one can turn out to be abusive, promiscuous, or cold to any feelings. can a person truly be able to turn themselves around and have healthy relationships with others? of COURSE.

how do you think YOU dealt with that?

it’s interesting how you openly stated you were attracted to these women (some of them) who were pimped out in one way or another; women who WERE assertive in many ways, but when it came down to it, it seemed like you had to be the one to make the decisions.

i’m filled with tons of questions that may never get answers. but, such is life.

in light of everything i wrote to you here, as well as some recent thoughts and experiences; i’ve come to the conclusion that, like i said yesterday; as old as i am, i feel the same way you did when speaking about tatum o’neal.

no, i am NOT willing to put extremely private information out in the open (i’ve already done enough); i will say that my views on romance have been on different lines of the same spectrum: it’s just not that interesting to me.

i remember the days of writing love poems for people when i was quite young, at the same time not necessarily interested in getting there myself. because of this, i was called gay. years later that transferred over to asexual (sound familiar?) i mean, i was only 12, not even thinking about being with anybody! i was more interested in reading and writing than anything else. i remember being set up with a boy i was not interested in, because people felt sorry for me.

and of course, a few years later i began to develop the ‘romantic feelings’- the crushes, right on down to the deep feelings of being ‘in love’. and each and every time i met face to face with rejection. in retrospect i wonder if i welcomed rejection just to know that i felt something, or if my feelings of love were more emotional than romantic.

the older i got the more i saw friends getting married and having babies. my sister even had a baby. and i still met with rejection, to the point where i no longer openly sought out love. i became tired of feeling sorry for myself, trying to figure it all out, and self-injuring in the process. i was never really interested in a physical/sexual relationship with anybody, but i realized (in my own mind) that, if anybody is going to be with you, it’s because of the potentiality of sex. so, i surrendered to that, even if that was something i did not want to do. to be in a committed, ‘marriage-like’ relationship with someone, where there is no emotional harmony; yet the physical is a driving factor- is extremely damaging to the spirit, especially if you are dealing with trauma. to initiate a relationship, and to remain with them due to fear of ‘never knowing what being with someone is like’ is EXTREMELY damaging, and i don’t advise ANYONE to do it.

i realize my situation is vastly different than yours, but i don’t know… i don’t feel like i have the ‘natural inclination’ to act out on the ‘sexual energy’ most people speak of, in a physical way. i already know what that’s like. i have no desire to continue it. some say it’s because i’m still living through trauma. i’m made to feel abnormal. so with that, i guess i have to live out the rest of my life in abnormality.

i don’t know if you ever got to experience the ‘true love’ you sought; frankly, i don’t know if i will either. and i’ve come to terms with that. and i actually don’t feel bad about it at all. it wasn’t until recently where i felt this way. sure, it would be nice to live out the rest of my days with a companion (as i keep saying), but if i don’t, it’s not going to be the end of my world. the things in my mind and how i experience life most likely are different from most people i’ll encounter in this life, and i acknowledge that i may never meet that companion.

interestingly, i’ve come to this conclusion largely by learning from you. so thank you again.. i am quite humble in these learning experiences. i don’t deny the possibility of any changing feelings/opinions; i’m just stating my thoughts now, in this method to communicate with my teacher in whatever way possible.

love, jamilah

Posted in cats, children, life, michael jackson, politics, transcendence, trauma | Leave a comment

michael, peace will come, no matter what: a reflection (no. 2)

Posted on December 28, 2011 by jamilah

sometimes in a moment of insomnia (believe me, i know how that feels) i have a moment of inspiration… i like to stay up and create during the hours everyone else rests.

there have been several things eating me up, in terms of what to do relating to the teachings- i know writing here can’t simply be enough. and truly, just writing here is not all i do in relation to the teachings. still…

still. i guess i’ve been thinking about everyone telling me to continue the book i was writing, prior to your transcendence. i know for certain that is something i’m not going to do, out of respect. even though i was 3/4ths done with the book, your transition changed the perspective entirely…. not necessarily in the views shared, but in the energy. the experience of writing the book was two years of my life- two years of extreme pain, depression, suicide attempts/thoughts and tears. those two years though, were also filled with many lessons and new friendships. i made it a goal to, after your transcendence, to continue to write. thus, this blog.

remember the show that barry and i did? people still ask if there will ever be another show like it. my response is no, since barry is no longer here to share that experience with me. he was the one to develop the whole concept with me.

still…

the other night some words entered my head. then more words. and more. i then knew what i had to do. i know i don’t want to let barry down. and i know i want to continue to spread the teachings. i’m going to utilize ways to make what i do more public than it already is.

it’s something i struggle with. i’m in no way a performer. “but you did that show with barry” you may say. i know, but i wasn’t necessarily performing; at least from my perspective. i’ve also performed in plays before, as well as in bands. but still…

to face a group of people to actually SPEAK from my own mind, my own heart frightens me. to speak of everything i’ve been writing about here and in the book frighten me. to read and to hear convey two very different (emotional) responses. but of course, i’m not here to convince anyone of your accomplishments or personality traits; however, i DO know what i have learned from you (and in turn, learning about myself)- THESE are the things i aim to share.

there are some things i write here, that when i send them i think to myself, ‘WHY did i do that??!!’ it’s perhaps 95% of the entries i think about that. even now i am thinking about erasing all of this before i even send it. and i think ‘what is the point? who is listening?’ but i still choose to do it because i know it is yet another way of expressing myself.

still…

i know that there has to be more. i know that simply expressing myself here (or on stage, or wherever) are not going to alleviate any anxieties i may have about things like motherhood.

and motherhood is something i waver on. i want more than anything to be a mother (as you know). in terms of where i want to be as a mother is a whole different story. can motherhood be seen on some end as a type of performance? of COURSE. i suppose this is why i waver on what i’d like to see. i want to be able to take it seriously, and be with someone to raise children. at my age, and because i don’t have any desire whatsoever to give birth- as well as the possible ‘fact’ that i may never have an individual in my life where the primary goal is to help raise children- my idea about raising children constantly changes.

‘you love babies so much, but babies grow’ people say… i hope people know i am very aware of this fact. i love being around babies all the time, but really, i get to see SOME of those babies grow in very controlled environments. i don’t see their actual developments up close. i want to see the tiny hands, to the exploration of toddler-hood and the ‘terrible twos’, straight on into adulthood. i want to be able to know i was able to accomplish something as intricate and complicated as parenthood, in a successful way.

and i’ve stopped my anxieties about (romantic) relationships- at this point anyways. it’s interesting, because seeing you get all worried about that helped me to put it in perspective. at my age, i am SUPPOSED to already be married with a couple of kids. at least that’s what they say, right? i realize though, that not dealing with the emotional baggage of worrying about finding a mate is entirely freeing. i like the freedom of not having to go through all the social niceties.

i see all of these women- i’m speaking specifically about black women at this moment… i’ve the experience of a black woman so this is what i can speak to- who lament not finding a good black man for either economic or socio-political reasons. these women are around my age, or perhaps younger even, and i feel like an anomaly for not being too concerned about this issue. or again, listening to you lament how you’d love to find what it’s like to be with someone before you left this earth gives me a similar feeling at this point in life as when i hear the women. it’s coming from a different energy- theirs seemingly from a need for economic security, yours seemingly from a desire to just know what it’s like- but still…

but still.

nevertheless, i know what it’s like and i realize that i don’t see it as being something for me. granted, having a COMPANION to share my life with would be a wonderful thing (yes, i have a lovely cat companion (who is sitting on my lap now), but i suppose humans can be nice at times too); but these women, nor you were speaking of simply companionship.

i know this may sound strange (perhaps not to you) but sometimes i wonder if i’m in the mental space to again consider romantic relationships. i acknowledge not being mature enough in my past experiences; and i can’t say if i’m mature enough to handle them today. yes, as old as i am, i’m still saying this. and i’m not ashamed to acknowledge it.

i keep thinking about you, and the things you told martin bashir regarding romantic relationships. i remember writing a lot about it in the book. and i remember thinking how my experiences almost matched the experiences you spoke about in the interview.

and recently i started thinking about the women you said you were attracted to over the years. i connected the level of experiences you spoke about in comparison to those women. with that, i began to look at the ‘companionship’ factor versus the ‘need for more’.

but still…

i always tend to digress. i’m an expert in it, i’m sure you can see. with that, i know for sure that what i’ve seen in you is a level of performance in all of this. it’s a level of performance i necessarily would not be comfortable in doing, but you did it quite well.

there’s so much i want to speak about, continuing on this road; but i’ll just let what i have here marinate, and hope to return quite soon- perhaps tomorrow.

love, jamilah

Posted in cats, children, economy, freedom, life, michael jackson, parenting, politics, transcendence | Leave a comment

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