sometimes in a moment of insomnia (believe me, i know how that feels) i have a moment of inspiration…  i like to stay up and create during the hours everyone else rests.

there have been several things eating me up, in terms of what to do relating to the teachings- i know writing here can’t simply be enough.  and truly, just writing here is not all i do in relation to the teachings.  still…

still.  i guess i’ve been thinking about everyone telling me to continue the book i was writing, prior to your transcendence.  i know for certain that is something i’m not going to do, out of respect.  even though i was 3/4ths done with the book, your transition changed the perspective entirely….  not necessarily in the views shared, but in the energy.  the experience of writing the book was two years of my life- two years of extreme pain, depression, suicide attempts/thoughts and tears.  those two years though, were also filled with many lessons and new friendships.  i made it a goal to, after your transcendence, to continue to write.  thus, this blog.

remember the show that barry and i did?  people still ask if there will ever be another show like it.  my response is no, since barry is no longer here to share that experience with me.  he was the one to develop the whole concept with me.

still…

the other night some words entered my head.  then more words.  and more.  i then knew what i had to do.  i know i don’t want to let barry down.  and i know i want to continue to spread the teachings.  i’m going to utilize ways to make what i do more public than it already is.

it’s something i struggle with.  i’m in no way a performer.  “but you did that show with barry” you may say.  i know, but i wasn’t necessarily performing; at least from my perspective.  i’ve also performed in plays before, as well as in bands.  but still…

to face a group of people to actually SPEAK from my own mind, my own heart frightens me.  to speak of everything i’ve been writing about here and in the book frighten me.  to read and to hear convey two very different (emotional) responses.  but of course, i’m not here to convince anyone of your accomplishments or personality traits; however, i DO know what i have learned from you (and in turn, learning about myself)- THESE are the things i aim to share.

there are some things i write here, that when i send them i think to myself, ‘WHY did i do that??!!’  it’s perhaps 95% of the entries i think about that.  even now i am thinking about erasing all of this before i even send it.  and i think ‘what is the point?  who is listening?’  but i still choose to do it because i know it is yet another way of expressing myself.

still…

i know that there has to be more.  i know that simply expressing myself here (or on stage, or wherever) are not going to alleviate any anxieties i may have about things like motherhood.

and motherhood is something i waver on.  i want more than anything to be a mother (as you know).  in terms of where i want to be as a mother is a whole different story.  can motherhood be seen on some end as a type of performance?  of COURSE.  i suppose this is why i waver on what i’d like to see.  i want to be able to take it seriously, and be with someone to raise children.  at my age, and because i don’t have any desire whatsoever to give birth- as well as the possible ‘fact’ that i may never have an individual in my life where the primary goal is to help raise children- my idea about raising children constantly changes.

‘you love babies so much, but babies grow’ people say…  i hope people know i am very aware of this fact.  i love being around babies all the time, but really, i get to see SOME of those babies grow in very controlled environments.  i don’t see their actual developments up close.  i want to see the tiny hands, to the exploration of toddler-hood and the ‘terrible twos’, straight on into adulthood.  i want to be able to know i was able to accomplish something as intricate and complicated as parenthood, in a successful way.

and i’ve stopped my anxieties about (romantic) relationships- at this point anyways.  it’s interesting, because seeing you get all worried about that helped me to put it in perspective.  at my age, i am SUPPOSED to already be married with a couple of kids.  at least that’s what they say, right?  i realize though, that not dealing with the emotional baggage of worrying about finding a mate is entirely freeing.  i like the freedom of not having to go through all the social niceties.

i see all of these women- i’m speaking specifically about black women at this moment…  i’ve the experience of a black woman so this is what i can speak to- who lament not finding a good black man for either economic or socio-political reasons.  these women are around my age, or perhaps younger even, and i feel like an anomaly for not being too concerned about this issue.  or again, listening to you lament how you’d love to find what it’s like to be with someone before you left this earth gives me a similar feeling at this point in life as when i hear the women.  it’s coming from a different energy- theirs seemingly from a need for economic security, yours seemingly from a desire to just know what it’s like- but still…

but still.

nevertheless, i know what it’s like and i realize that i don’t see it as being something for me.  granted, having a COMPANION to share my life with would be a wonderful thing (yes, i have a lovely cat companion (who is sitting on my lap now), but i suppose humans can be nice at times too); but these women, nor you were speaking of simply companionship.

i know this may sound strange (perhaps not to you) but sometimes i wonder if i’m in the mental space to again consider romantic relationships.  i acknowledge not being mature enough in my past experiences; and i can’t say if i’m mature enough to handle them today.  yes, as old as i am, i’m still saying this.  and i’m not ashamed to acknowledge it.

i keep thinking about you, and the things you told martin bashir regarding romantic relationships.  i remember writing a lot about it in the book.  and i remember thinking how my experiences almost matched the experiences you spoke about in the interview.

and recently i started thinking about the women you said you were attracted to over the years.  i connected the level of experiences you spoke about in comparison to those women.  with that, i began to look at the ‘companionship’ factor versus the ‘need for more’.

but still…

i always tend to digress.  i’m an expert in it, i’m sure you can see.  with that, i know for sure that what i’ve seen in you is a level of performance in all of this.  it’s a level of performance i necessarily would not be comfortable in doing, but you did it quite well.

there’s so much i want to speak about, continuing on this road; but i’ll just let what i have here marinate, and hope to return quite soon- perhaps tomorrow.

love, jamilah