Hey you
Is there something worth aspiring to
And can it be found in a record store
Well it’s not there anymore

Hey you
Is there something worth belonging to
And can I pick it up for a song
Or a diploma or a worthy cause
Well let me tell you that there’s nothing wrong
It’s just that ones like us will never belong

Bad Religion, You Don’t Belong

i could have fallen into the pit of incel-dom.

If you’ve read this blog before, you may find that strange. However, it is true. If i were not socialized as a girl/woman, if i didn’t start developing an anticapitalist and anti-patriarchal analyses at such impressionable ages, and if i didn’t join organizations that held principles which honored said analyses (plus the utilization of a criticism/self-criticism process), i would have found community with the incels.

Because the term ‘incel’ has now dove deeply into the annals of toxic internet culture, i began thinking deeper about my own experiences and thoughts; and i’ve come to have a bit more empathy for, not the culture itself, but those who easily fall into it. The shared link between myself and these men (and the few who aren’t men) is the ultimate longing for connection and companionship.

i too have lamented the countless times i’ve been rejected by anyone i’ve been interested in; i too have held the (incorrect) perception that ‘everyone around me is in a romantic relationship, and no one likes me in that way.’ i too have tried to ‘fix’ myself in some way, to ensure that someone will pay attention to me. i too have doubted everyone’s comments to me that i’d “make a good partner,” when the (again) perceived evidence was that people around me are not attracted to what’s going on in my brain. i am usually approached by someone whose primary desire is sex- nothing more, nothing less.

i too have imagined that i’d spend the rest of my life alone.
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i was 8 years old when i first learned to associate sex with violence. Sadly, it would not be the last time.

It was on the back of a school bus. The young boy i sat next to (who was also around 8) opened his pants, and pushed my head down, as others looked on and laughed. Fortunately i was able to fight him off, as the scents to the sounds became vivid. The moment sat with me internally (and with unfettered rage) until my early 30s.

When i was about 11, the other kids set me up with Phillip, because they found it strange that i never talked about boys. While i thought he was generally a nice person, i was not attracted to him in any way. There was a girl (i think her name was Eileen) who had a giant crush on him, despite his cruelty towards her. i didn’t understand what was so appealing about these relations, especially after he ate a whole portion of a birthday cake with my name on it at a party held for me and my sister.

The first time i ever had what is commonly referred to as ‘sex’ was ten years later, with a man who was between five and 10 years older than me. i was not emotionally (or physically) ready to be with anyone in that way.

It happened so fast; he began to take my clothes off, and i froze. i did not consent, nor did i say no. This ‘gray area’ would still be seen as consent to some, since there was no audible resistance. i was in shock by the whole thing, and after it happened i made him sleep on the floor. i do not resent this person, nor do i regret what occurred. That said, i do wish i had enough strength in me to say no, since sex was not what i wanted with this person. i wanted to connect in ways outside of that.

i never saw him again after this moment. He got what he wanted.

Seven years later i had my first (short lived) ‘relationship’ with a man who was significantly older. Despite seeing early abusive red flags, i initiated things and asked him, because i was fearful that i’d never know what it would be like to be with someone. He was possessive (among other things), and much of what ended up happening was us fighting and having sex. It got to a point where i was eventually coerced into not using protection.

Many years later, i met a man (who was younger than i) during a period when i was finally learning to love myself. i had much more of a desire to be in a committed, long-term relationship; this is not what he wanted at all… and yet i still opted for being with him in some way, because i desired connection. While his primary attraction was sexual, he simultaneously made light of my looks. He’d constantly say specific things he knew would irritate me (such as the sarcastically-laced ‘Blacks For Trump’). He would argue that patriarchy is harmful, yet never let me pay for anything at a restaurant. He would disappear for a time without a word. On some levels, i felt as if i was a gateway towards any connection to ‘Blackness’ that he felt was absent in his own life.

i always emphasized that we were friends before anything; he would concur. This was put to the test after he texted me in the middle of the day at my job, that he wasn’t interested in moving further with me. i had mentally prepared for this moment for a while, as i saw it coming; i told him what i always did- that a friendship was more important than anything else. He agreed.

The next day, i got hit by a semi truck.

He came to visit me in the hospital two times: once before my amputation, and once after. He told me that i was one of the most important people to him; that i was one of the bravest people he’d ever known. He asked a question in the middle of these superlatives: “Are you going to get fat?”

Nothing else he said mattered. It was this question that sat with me, and still does to this day. i was an athletic, muscular person, prior to the accident. i did jiu jitsu and striking. i rode my bike everywhere. i have lost all of this, and i’m struggling to get it back. Once again, i’ve become incredibly self-conscious. i’ve become that child all over again, repeatedly hearing ‘You’re ugly/worthless.’

All the strength and self-love i thought i had, dissipated immediately.

While i was in the more pronounced period of my rehabilitation outside of the hospital i received a text from him, stating that there were personal things going on in his life and that he could no longer speak to me anymore. i was fairly distraught for two weeks, because i saw his text as a violation of our friendship; if friendship comes first, and if you claim that i’m one of the most important people to you, why are you choosing to not be in my life anymore?

One of the first responses i received from friends was that he found someone who is a jealous type who doesn’t accept a partner having friends who are women; outside of abuse, if a partner can dictate the levels of your friendships, were those friendships ultimately important to you? While this may be the case (and while i hope he is not in an abusive relationship), i don’t think this is the only factor. However, i may never know. The most painful thing about it is that someone who i thought was a friend decided to leave at an incredibly vulnerable moment.

While not every single moment was horrible, while not everything i did was perfect, and while i look at everything that’s happened in my life as a lesson; all of these moments hold their connection: i had a tendency to silence myself, as opposed to voicing what my needs were- because what i desired most was connection and companionship- which i see as the primary driver for the many who are attracted to an incel movement.
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With nothing better to do
No one to come home to
I woefully conclude
To take it out on you

A room and empty shelf
A book on mental health
I look for inner wealth
By punishing myself

Yeah sure I might do harm
And bear my right to arm
Retribution
If only someone would listen to me

Bad Religion, Bored And Extremely Dangerous

My mention of being socialized as a girl/woman is not an arbitrary statement. As a girl, i have learned to internalize my trauma. As a teenager and a woman, i have learned to open my mouth when it comes to addressing weightier sociopolitical issues. i still have anxiety when acknowledging interpersonal ones.

Boys and men (under a patriarchal society) are conditioned to externalize their trauma; there are countless stories of domestic violence (sometimes leading to murder), when a man has lost a job, or is feeling the wrath of a boss. Sometimes, men shoot the women who reject them at bars, or in the streets. While a manifestation of my internalization is to constantly ask what it is i did to make people not like me; boys and men (and masculine of center folks) who externalize their pain are want to blame everyone around them, as opposed to examining the root of the tree which gave birth to the fruit of ‘incel’ and ‘manosphere’ culture.

Internalization can be guilty of this lack of examination as well.

The incel (originally abbreviated as ‘invcel’) movement was originally one which was inclusive of a range of experiences, orientations and genders. The Involuntary Celibacy Project was started by a Toronto, Canada-based bisexual woman named Alana, whose experiences appear pretty similar to my own in some ways. It was a means of creating community for those who have long struggled with the ‘mating game’: “I identified that there were a lot of people who were lonely and not really sure how to start dating,” she said. “They were kind of lacking those social skills and I had a lot of sympathy for that because I had been through the same situation.”

Similar to the appropriation of the ‘red pill’ from the Matrix films (which were directed by two trans sisters); any innocuous intent or objective of the creation of an incel community have been adulterated by those who adhere to larger frameworks of patriarchal standards. Even before she relinquished the site to another person (who in turn encouraged the movement we associate with ‘incel culture’ today), there were clues: “There was probably a bit of anger and some men were a bit clueless about how women are unique, individual humans, but in general it was a supportive place.”
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While it may seem naive or idealistic to feel empathy for those who may want to do me harm (because of my perceived (or evident) gender, disability, ethnicity or orientation- or a combination of these things); i am empathetic because as i mentioned earlier, i see myself in them. Those of us who are schooled in all of the theory, were born into the same society these young men were. Many of us grew up in families which hold these same values. The primary difference is the road we’ve chosen to take, and the people we met along the way to help us navigate down that road.

Throughout my youth i grew up (as again mentioned) repeatedly being told i was worthless, stupid and ugly. As an African woman in a patriarchal society, i’ve heard these things as well. As a disabled woman, i am treated patronizingly. As a person who doesn’t look to sexual attraction as primary (or even secondary or tertiary), i am told that my orientation is nonexistent. As an anticapitalist, i am told that i need to know how to have more fun in life, or laugh more.

So yes… i could have easily fallen into ‘incel culture’, because my body and soul are consistently policed, sometimes by well-meaning people. It is tiring sometimes, just to be alive.

The reason i did not was punk.

Finally, we are getting to the main point of this piece.

i have been pretty public in the approximation of how i came to know punk, and how it shaped me into the person i am today. While i have been known to get some good hardcore slam dancing (or moshing) in my days of youth; my connection with, and love for punk aligned with whatever burgeoning political awareness i had. Some bands were more abstract and less overt than others. Some bands were more cerebral and others more reactionary. One thing many of the bands i loved had in common was that they addressed the fact that there was a problem (or several) we are all facing in society.

i grew up mostly with early Sugarhill Records 12″s, R&B, gospel, soul and pop (with some ‘Yacht Rock’ sprinkled in). The first ever rock song i clearly recall hearing on the radio was ‘This Time’ by INXS (a few years later, somewhere in the late preteen/very early teens era i became a massive INXS fan). The other song i recall hearing was ‘The New World’ by X- which reads, for all intents and purposes, as an anti-Ronald Reagan administration song. i heard this song before punk solidly came into my life, but it did match the feelings i had towards Reagan, even with my politically undeveloped 10 year old brain, as my mother blasted the Iran-Contra hearings all over the black and white 10-inch television in the kitchen.

The third rock song i heard that stood out in my mind- the one song that sparked an interest in the sound i heard in so many bands not too soon after, was The Kingsmen’s ‘Louie Louie.’ i am not sure whose 45 it was (and i found out a few years later that the song was a cover of the Richard Berry original), but i was mesmerized by the sounds coming off of that black circle, and i started to dance near the record player. While Berry’s version (obviously) is the superior one, it was the cover from these dudes from Portland, Oregon (where i later moved in my mid 20s) who inspired me to go down a particular musical rabbit hole, just as it was Reagan who helped propel any political analysis i was to soon have.
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i was conceived after ‘proto punk’ bands such as Death (a band that consistently gets expunged from these lists), the Electric Eels (same), Television and MC5 were heavily creating tunes that would inspire a generation. 23 Days after i came onto this earth, ‘Anarchy In The U.K.’ was released. In retrospect, the more i think about my journey of being inspired by punk, the more i realize that this song was my first major disappointment.

Every major political and ideological theory is rooted in the destruction or cessation of an opposing system: Anarchism supports the abolition of the state and abhors hierarchical or vertical forms of leadership or authority; capitalism’s aim is the upkeep of private ownership and profit growth by the few, and the prevention of any mass ownership of the means of production; Socialism is the adverse of capitalism, and Communism supports the cessation of class hierarchies, as well as the abolition of the state and fabricated borders, propped up by imperialist forces. Because most people who vehemently oppose it have not studied it, and because the opposition to it is usually seen through a very limited, western lens; Anarchism is always attributed as being nihilistic and disorganized, when ultimately its objectives are based on cooperation. (i would argue that the most nihilistic political, economic and ideological system of all is capitalism, but that’s a whole other essay.)

The Sex Pistols made this same error, for the sole purpose of being incendiary. The Pistols’ manager, Malcolm McLaren, spoke of the song as “a call to arms to the kids who believe that rock and roll was taken away from them. It’s a statement of self rule, of ultimate independence.” Not only is music not a sufficient way to address the larger systemic problems occurring in the U.K (and beyond- even though it’s cool to have a soundtrack while organizing); John Lydon’s referencing of the Irish Republican Army (IRA), the Ulster Defense Association (UDA) and the People’s Movement for the Liberation of Angola/Movimento Popular de Libertação de Angola (MPLA) on its surface, conflates all three groups as being Anarchist in practice; when in fact two of the three groups have a history of armed struggle against (British and Portuguese) colonialism and imperialism, and the other (the UDA) has been pro-Britain. i am sure there have been some (such as myself) who have researched and read books about these groups, but most people simply see it as a cool punk song.
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In what is aptly described as ‘The Manufacture Of Dissent,’ Greg Graffin (a person i truly wish to have a conversation about writing with) in his book Punk Paradox succinctly echoes everything i had been thinking about punk for so many years, but was not able to openly verbalize. i won’t say that i feel incredibly disillusioned by punk as a whole; however, my second notable experience with disappointment arrived as an older teenager, armed with a bit more of life’s experience (that a teenager can have) and a few more books in my library.

i had an absolute obsession with The Decline Of Western Civilization, which was filmed between 1979 and 1980, released in 1981 and directed by Penelope Spheeris, who went on to direct Suburbia and Wayne’s World. The 6-minute Jealous Again EP was the first piece of vinyl i ever bought with my own money at the age of 15, and when i found out the band who played on that record was in that movie- Black Flag- i immediately was intrigued. There were other bands in this documentary: X (one of the first rock bands i had ever heard as a child), the Alice Bag Band, Circle Jerks (who played songs from Group Sex, one of the other first records i ever purchased at 15), the Germs, Catholic Discipline, and Fear. i thought so many of the bands were the coolest people; i memorized a lot of the dialog, as well as purchased the original Slash Records’ vinyl soundtrack, before the label was prominently distributed by Warner Brothers.

Similar to my feelings on the Sex Pistols as i got older, i eventually found the intent of the film to be incendiary; in addition, i found those who were documented to be vapid, and not very appealing. It was provocative, but not necessarily in an intellectual way. At least Lee Ving and his band-mates from Fear were in on the joke the whole time, as the band is essentially a parody of the superficial aspects of punk.

Graffin writes, “Punk was becoming stereotyped as having no intellectual merits at all.” On Decline, he opined that it “focused more on the violence, nihilism, and teenage rebellion rather than making any kind of coherent sense of the film’s title.” he adds that, instead of watching bands that delivered some sort of artistic merit, he “instead had to sit through interviews with punk scenesters, many of whom were acquaintances, being elevated in their portrayal as some sort of philosophers. And most disappointing, the bands were portrayed to look more like a freak show and less like an artistic community cemented by great music.” He spoke of both Decline as well as Another State Of Mind, a documentary covering a 1982 tour by Social Distortion and youth Brigade, as being devoid of anything “musically and lyrically compelling.”

While i still listen to many of the bands i did as a youth (including the ones featured in Decline); Mr. Graffin’s band, Bad Religion, is one of the few that stays in constant rotation in my life and on my turntable, as an adult nearing the age of 50.

The third (and most recent) disappointment is not really a disappointment, but a realization that has been stewing for many years: Just like most other movements and musical genres, punk is a reflection of the larger society it exists in.

The first clue i received of this realization was obscured, due to my obsession with Decline Of Western Civilization. One of the “punk scenesters” interviewed in the film was Eugene, who casually spouted racist and antiqueer perspectives. The counters to his cavalier commentary were minimal. i was obviously taken aback by this (as a person who is both queer and not European); however, my youth-laced lack of cynicism chose to see people like Eugene as an outlier.

But alas, i could not have been more incorrect. From select songs in Bad Religion and Minor Threat’s catalogs, challenging the conformity of ‘Bottled Violence’ and nihilism in the punk scene; to the Dead Kennedys’ warning of the infiltration of the punk scene by neo-nazis, and matching the sentiments of Bad Religion, ‘Nazi Punks Fuck Off’ starts off with the line: “Punk ain’t no religious cult/Punk means thinking for yourself.” In the song (in which the duration is only one minute and three seconds), Jello Biafra adds:

If you’ve come to fight, get outta here
You ain’t no better than the bouncers
We ain’t trying to be police
When you ape the cops it ain’t anarchy

And:

You fight each other, the police state wins

And:

You still think swastikas look cool
The real Nazis run your schools
They’re coaches, businessmen and cops

i would argue that the more recently adopted phrase, “Conservatism is the new punk rock” is simultaneously a misrepresentation and a truism, because conservatism has always been prevalent in punk, simply because again, punk is ultimately a manifestation of what exists in the world outside of what is seen as a subculture. Not only have we seen it with the examples i’ve named; we can also see it in the merging of the satirical and the literal with the Ramones (as Johnny was a staunch right winger and Joey, a liberal); the homophobia of the Bad Brains (whom i consider to be the greatest hardcore band of all time, but i gotta keep it real); as well as the ‘bootstrap’ advocacy of bands like Agnostic Front. A band could have anti fascist anthems and simultaneously rail against other marginalized groups, with nary an understanding or care that fascism also marginalizes said groups.

i’ve come to see that punk was (and still is), for most, ultimately a means of escapism and expelling of aggression, and not an outlet or extension of ideological development. My thinking that it was- since that’s what it’s become for me- was only rooted in idealism. The fact that people, years later, have had little understanding of Rage Against The Machine’s lyrics and message, despite the giant EZLN flag in the background of their shows, or the fact that the inserts of their albums would include reading resources to further encourage activism and organization…

The fact that a song such as Minor Threat’s ‘Guilty Of Being White’ has been adopted as a right wing anthem to varying degrees by many, including Slayer (a band that is shrouded with right wing and pro-fascist associations and accusations themselves) is another indicator of punk’s conservative reflections. The song, charting Ian MacKaye’s lament around experiencing admonition for being one of the only European kids in a majority-African school, was not written with the intention of birthing a movement, or encouraging a particular ideology. At such a young age, MacKaye did not have the foresight to understand the implications for writing such a poorly constructed song, despite the band regularly critiquing right wing violence among the scene. Songs like this are a perfect example of why we all need to recognize that the personal is indeed, political.

Minor Threat also could not peer into the future (with songs such as ‘Straight Edge’ or ‘Out of Step’), as their youthful naivety led them to believe that their punk peers would be able to make informed choices, as opposed to bestowing the collective ‘moral policing’ of physical violence onto those who drink beer, smoke weed or have sex outside of a committed relationship. Minor Threat (and by extension, Fugazi, MacKaye’s subsequent band) was a great influence on the first band i was ever in- in fact, it was at a Fugazi show where i met bandmate Abby). While i do not particularly label myself as such, i am, for all intents and purposes, ‘straight edge’. That said, the idea of committing violence towards someone because they choose to partake in mind-altering substances is no different than committing violence onto someone because they are not heterosexual, white, or a cisgender man. By extension, it is not that different from the Parents’ Music Resource Center (PMRC), or the hundreds of anti-trans bills on the books in the U.S. It would be no different from an atheist (who advocates for individual freedom) committing violence onto someone who practices a particular religion, or a conspiracist (who also claims to advocate for individual freedoms) who takes time out of their day to pull a mask off of someone (an individual) inside of a supermarket.

There are many other examples you could extract from: Exene Cervenka (of the band X- remember them?) adopting vehement pro-Donald Trump sentiments, as well as various right wing illuminati and hoax conspiracies; the adoption of Bad Religion’s wholly and plainly satirical ‘The Kids Are Alt-Right’ as a (yet again) right-wing anthem; the casual use of nazi imagery as a means of ‘pissing off authority’, without (again) thought to the implications of that; the appropriation of the multi-racial Skinhead/Ska/Oi culture by racist boneheads; right on down to the exterior of ‘fighting social injustice’ met with the contradictions of abuse of power and influence (sometimes leading to sexual assault (or worse))- Ian Watkins (lostprophets), Justin Geever (Anti-Flag), Scott Sturgeon (Choking Victim/Leftöver Crack) and more than a few musicians on the roster of Burger Records are but a few examples.

i’ve had to come to terms with the fact that not only is punk seen as primarily a means of expression of aggression for many; it’s also been utilized as a way to prey on vulnerable people who feel alienated from society. Punk has become… a religious cult, despite Jello’s protests.

And of course, the ‘incel movement’ has developed into this very thing… despite its original intent of inclusivity.

While i was never want to worship a band or artist, i never found anything inherently wrong with finding inspiration from these sources. The role of inspiration in one’s life is to be an antithesis to stagnation and dormancy, but perhaps far too many (subconsciously or not) find comfortability in larger structures of social compliance.

Despite any reservations i currently hold of the state punk as a whole as a positive cultural movement (given its historical framework), this is by no means a condemnation of punk itself, nor of humanity. As an organizer, i am well aware of the global work of the masses to create a better world. For this, i am optimistic. i also am indebted (as i’ve mentioned numerous times in this piece and in general) to punk for helping contribute to the development of my political analyses. i am grateful for having been exposed to, played on stages with, and saw (and continue to see) in concert- bands such as Gang Of Four, Soul Glo, The Muslims, Aus-Rotten, Ballista, the Minutemen, D.R.I., Crass, Dead Kennedys, the Dicks, MDC, Bad Religion, The Pist, Final Warning, Oi Polloi, Propaghandi and the countless bands whose soundtracks have become part of the narrative of my life. As everything is dialectical though, it’s crucial that i engage in criticism of the very thing that had a hand in preventing me from falling into the deep end.