A Conversation On Disability & Metal (feat. Nick (aka MetalLawyer))

Posted on April 28, 2023 by jamilah

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-tui6m-13f3c17

(RECORDED ON APRIL 23, 2023) jamilah has been fairly open on this podcast about her experience as an amputee, and the ways music is now experienced due to it.  We want to take time in various episodes to explore the various experiences had, under the spectrum of disabilities that exist.

On this episode we have Nick, who was born with cerebral palsy.  jamilah and Nick met via a community of listeners and appreciators of Metal Up Your Podcast (MUYP), a… podcast (!!!) developed out of a love for Metallica.  There’s a bit of conversation about MUYP; as well as discussions on how our disabilities shape our experiences, our love for the band beginning with the letter M, as well as what can be done in order for metal to be more welcoming.  And of course, Nick discusses his profession as a lawyer (and the way metal inspires him- hence the name, MetalLawyer).

For more information or queries for Nick, go to https://www.nrollerlaw.com/

For questions, comments, etc.  you can reach us here: musicandwejj@gmail.com

 

 

 

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A discussion of 72 Seasons, Metallica’s new album

Posted on April 18, 2023 by jamilah

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-rvxnj-13e7655

(RECORDED ON APRIL 17, 2023) 72 Seasons must be a special album, because jesse stayed up past his bedtime to discuss it!  This is his first experience with a new Metallica album release cycle, so jamilah was extremely excited to hear his perspective.  Needless to say, she was very pleasantly surprised. 

As they go into detail about perspectives and what significance the album and individual songs hold,  the two longtime friends also emotionally exposed themselves (to each other, and perhaps the world) in ways they hadn’t before.  Again, this must be a special album. 

(Also …Hardwired To Self Destruct is #6 on the albums list. jamilah sadly left it out.  BOOOOOOO to her.)

Thanks so much for listening!

For questions, comments, etc.  you can reach us here: musicandwejj@gmail.com

In addition, if you struggling are in need of a voice to talk to, please call 988 (for the u.s. national number), or go to https://988lifeline.org/current-events/the-lifeline-and-988/

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The ’Giving Flowers’ series (episode 1): Mudhoney (feat. Abby Denson)

Posted on April 12, 2023 by jamilah

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-dw95x-13df622

(RECORDED ON APRIL 8, 2023) We aren’t getting any younger, and neither are some of the artists we love.  We wanted to present a way to appreciate folks while they are still here (even if they’re not currently producing music in that iteration), hence the ‘Giving Flowers’ series. 

Our first episode is dedicated to Mudhoney, one of the last living ‘anti-establishment’ bands (that aren’t Anarcho punk, or traditionally ‘anti-establishment’ in the way we’re conditioned to think about what that means).  Our special guest is Abby Denson; not only is she one of the biggest Mudhoney fans we know, but she also, many moons ago started two bands with co-host jamilah (who was inspired by the band to pick up a guitar).  Similar to with E.T. Russian, jamilah became reunited with Abby (as well as the drummer in our first band, Mayumi), post accident. 

Mudhoney just released a new album, Plastic Eternity, and we discuss how the band still cleverly holds disdain not only for the music industry, but capitalism, consumerism, fascism and environmental destruction due to human carelessness.  In a time where people advocate for ‘politics to not be in music’; we love them for rejecting this sort of idealism, eschewing the stereotype of ‘Boomers’ or ‘Generation X’ becoming less confrontational and/or more conservative when it comes to these things.  

Thanks for everyone involved in Mudhoney, past and present (Dan Peters, Matt Lukin, Steve Turner, Guy Maddison, Mark Arm, Ed Frotheringham, etc.) for keeping the spirit of rebellion alive in music.

For information and updates about Abby, go to:  https://www.abbydenson.com/

For questions, comments, etc.  you can reach us here:

Thanks for listening!

 

 

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Going To Concerts With A Disability (or two), with E.T. Russian

Posted on April 10, 2023 by jamilah

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-6huvx-13dc8cd

(RECORDED ON MARCH 10, 2023) Many music lovers enjoy going out to see their favorite artists live.  Some of us music lovers have disabilities, making it not as easy to navigate this world.  In conversation with jamilah (who is a below-knee amputee (BKA)) is E.T. Russian (a double amputee for much, much longer); an old friend who reunited, 20 years later. 

E.T. and jamilah discuss positive (and not-so-positive) experiences with consent, awareness and acknowledgement; there’s also a discussion about the structural improvements made over the years in regards to venues, and the spaces for improvement. 

Thanks for listening!  For questions, comments, etc.  you can reach us here: musicandwejj@gmail.com

 

 

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What And Who Is Stan (Culture)?

Posted on April 8, 2023 by jamilah

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-cc6s8-13da5ed

(RECORDED ON FEBRUARY 27, 2023)  This episode is finally up!  A lot of things have happened since then (in relation to some of the things we discussed here), but the primary subject (sadly in some ways) is perhaps timeless. 

jesse and jamilah discuss the formation of what (a couple of days later after this recording) became ‘If Darkness Had A Son’ (to be released on Metallica’s 12th album, 72 Seasons).  Also discussed was paris Jackson’s interview with Steve-O. 

The main subject of this episode was the culture of stanning; the etymology of it as well as the difference between stanning and regular ‘ol fandom. 

Are you a stan of something/someone?  Let us know!

For questions, comments, etc.  you can reach us here: musicandwejj@gmail.com

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’72 Seasons’ And The Tears Of Realization

Posted on March 31, 2023 by jamilah

i am sitting here crying. During these late hours (when the inspiration to write and create tends to happen the most) i began to cry, as i make attempts to get into bed. It has been waiting to come out for a few hours now, as i’ve spent so much time wondering what connects me to this song. In the midst of the countless times i’ve listened to this newly released song- two weeks before its album’s launch- it hit me.

Earlier i the evening i wrote this:

The song builds and tells a story and wraps you in, before even getting to the primary riff. Thematically, it’s similar to songs like ‘The Unforgiven’ (all three, but mostly the first) and ‘Am I Savage’ in that it takes on the idea that we experience a lot of trauma and sometimes we internalize that trauma, sometimes we enact the ‘sins of our parents/guardians’, or we can reject those things. The description of the album’s theme fits perfectly here, without saying much.

We’ve spent so many years enacting violence and trauma upon ourselves and each other; so many wasted seasons have passed. A new season has approached; we have the opportunity to plant seeds of whole, healthy trees that bloom healthy fruits.

i feel like this album is the chapter coming out of Hardwired’s pessimism. The pandemic has been a time to do a lot of self-reflection. Rehabilitation is another time to do self-reflection. i keep saying this, but i sincerely do feel that this is the period of Metallica, where their role is to simply be a messenger of light and unity. For me, this experience has been beyond music.

When i hear all of these songs released so far, i hear catharsis- especially ’72 Seasons’. i hear humanity working to break through the mess of… human-ness.

What i hear is, ‘WHAT HAVE WE DONE? We still have time to alter the course of our human experience.’

I LOVE THIS SONG. I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH.

i know for an absolute fact that i will love this album. Something tells me it is going to be neck and neck with St. Anger… i do feel like this is a direct response to the work done to be better people, which you saw with the whole process of St. Anger.

This song contains levels of beauty, where any words i’ve written here won’t even cover.

As i said, any words i’d written wouldn’t necessarily encompass what it was i really wanted to say.

And then it hit me.

i am a child who internalized a lot of the trauma in the first 18 years of my life- those 72 seasons. i believed i was ugly and worthless, because that’s what i heard religiously. i was an incredibly shy kid who “chok(ed) on the stage fright”, as the song describes. i always had to be asked to raise my voice, and kept my eyes glued to the ground when i walked. The self doubt i had was staggering. i had friends, i played in bands; people may or may not have seen that frightened little girl beneath the layers.

Shot down
Volcanic
But what is done is done and done
Look back
Psychotic
No chance before this life began

Thinking about the trauma, abuse and assault i experienced as a child and young adult is not the thing that’s making me cry though- it’s the fact that i survived. It’s the fact that i have finally become okay, only in the past couple of years, with truly walking away. It’s the fact that i’ve increasingly become okay with understanding that there are those you love don’t necessarily love you back in the ways you truly need, but there are those who actually do, in their own ways.

It’s the fact that sometimes, the hardest part is walking away from that comfort of holding on to the trauma, partly because you don’t want to lose those people in your life who may have been the arbiters of it. Sometimes you live in fear of exploring a new world outside of this environment, because you don’t know any other life.

It’s the fact that, as you grow, some people still (and may) want to see you in that same, frightened place you were.

Wrath of man
Leaching through
Split in two
Wrath of man
Crash into
Point of view
Wrath of man
Violence
Inheritance
Wrath of man
Thrive upon
Feeding on
72 seasons gone

Wither under looming shadow cast
Slip back
Narcotic
Blinded by the ashes of the past

It’s all of these things, but i shed tears primarily because despite losing a limb, i have actually begun to grow another part of myself. In a funny way, being an amputee has been a blessing; not necessarily in a physical sense, but in a spiritual and philosophical sense. i still struggle with self-doubt more times than i’d like to admit- part of that definitely has to do with having a disability; and while i have days where i wonder and ask why i’m even here, there are other days where i can say, ‘You have survived,’ whether it’s a life-altering accident, or an abusive childhood.

While these lyrics are a clear reference to James Hetfield’s own experience with childhood trauma and self-doubt (and his active work to heal from these things); it wasn’t until the upteenth time i listened, when i realized how much i actually identified with what the song was saying.

These are not tears of sadness; they are revelatory tears. They are tears of acknowledgement. They are tears with the understanding that i (we) am more than my past. It is not only the past that shapes me, but every moment up until now does as well.

Every day, the gift of Metallica’s music becomes clearer.

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The Devastating Brilliance Of ‘All Within My Hands’

Posted on February 24, 2023 by jamilah

People who know my musical tastes well enough know at this point that i consider Metallica’s St. Anger to be one of my top ten favorite albums of all time; in fact, i made a documentary charting my love for it. Album love aside, i was given the challenge of naming exactly why i consider ‘All Within My Hands’ to be Metallica’s greatest album closer, as well as one of their most brilliant, devastatingly beautiful songs.

i want to do my best to avoid the oft-cliched superlatives; i also want to be clear that i recognize that the more recent reworkings of the song are the ones preferred. While i love those versions just as much as their primary source, those versions are ruminations on a particular place in time. Those versions are performed by a set of people who have been the participants in a long-term healing process. The original, album version (which tends to be just as despised as ‘Invisible Kid’ and ‘Purify’ respectfully) was born out of uncertainty.

It was born out of a new revelation: that those who have been harmed have the ability to cause much more harm.

The song comes immediately after ‘Purify’ (my favorite song on St. Anger), a song which succinctly describes the process of the breaking down and rebuilding of a therapy process. In the midst of that process came the realization that transgressions were performed, whether purposefully or not. As a person who has had a traumatic childhood myself, there are boundaries i unknowingly crossed, while attempting to seek connection with people. It’s extremely difficult to hear that you’ve caused harm when that was never your intent. ‘All Within My Hands’ is the gradual process of someone breaking down, as they attempt to make sense of what they’ve done.

One minute and three seconds pass, before James Hetfield softly (for this song) utters the first lyrics, which is also the title of the song. He then proceeds to describe the process of manipulation that occurs, resulting in the breaking of relationship bridges.

All within my hands
Squeeze it in, crush it down
All within my hands
Hold it dear, hold it suffocate

The lyrics (which send a clear nod to the strained relationship between the band and bassist Jason Newsted, resulting in his departure) evoke a certain simultaneous self-awareness and resignation- ‘Is this really what I have done? I suppose I have.’ Hetfield, in an interview with David Fricke, described how Newsted was an “easy target,” and that the “grief and sadness” (in relation to bassist Cliff Burton’s passing) “got directed at him.” In the film Some Kind Of Monster (documenting both the creation of St. Anger as well as a partial process of therapy) he leans more into the lyrics, straight up stating that he had a tendency to alienate the people he loved and cared about by suffocating them, based on his fear of rejection. He spoke about how he didn’t want Jason to love anything more than Metallica. If you love someone though, the best thing to do is acknowledge their humanity, and understand that you cannot cage a bird who wants to fly.

By the time you get to the second verse, he is, voice now raised, giving you a warning to “beware”:

Love to death, smack you ’round and ’round

This is one of the most honest, vulnerable and self-critical portrayals of someone struggling with control issues and abusive tendencies i have ever seen or heard. The narrator experiences the whole spectrum: resignation/realization, self-doubt, despondency, resistance, impatience and spitefulness.

Love is control
I’ll die if I let go

(Hurry up and) Hate me now

I will only let you breathe
My air that you receive
Then we’ll see if I let you love me

i want to highlight the final portion of the song… The oft-lambasted ‘Kill Kill Kill’ portion. The chant may seem a bit over-the-top, adding on to its already off-kilter time signatures; but it’s honestly what seals this song as a perfect, cathartic bookend to a particular narrative. We should have seen it coming with that final declaration of love as control, preceded by a anguished wail. People lament Hetfield’s imperfect singing here (and throughout the album), but St. Anger (and ‘All Within My Hands’ in particular) is the sound of someone expelling emotional demons.

The intensity and vulnerability of this segment on the album have yet to be recreated, and i doubt if it ever will. Lars Ulrich starts off with a simple open hi-hat, then comes in with a simultaneous hi-hat/snare combination, setting the path for Hetfield to enter. The first three kills (out of 38) start out clean. The fourth one is transitional, and the fifth has a lightweight guttural quality, as Lars has now introduced double bass. The next set falls a bit deeper into the guttural, moving into a cracked voice scream, back into an even deeper guttural (as if he snapped himself back into ‘control stage’), into a brief bark… before he cries out again, into a sea of dissonance.

It’s a very real, uncomfortable portrayal of the constant theme in Metallica’s music: the rebirth which occurs after a very significant death. While death indeed is not the end, the process is incredibly painful.

Many people opine that St. Anger takes cues from nu metal, which was fairly popular at the time of the album’s release. i don’t have much familiarity with nu metal as a genre, so in listening to the album (and in particular this song), more than anything i hear tinges and influences of the slew of bands in the 90s who were produced by Steve Albini: bands like Slint, The Jesus Lizard, or even his own works (like Shellac). For a band to go from razor-sharp riffs to releasing what essentially sounds like an indie record (with Bob Rock, one of the greatest producers no less) proves to me that this was done for their survival- not only as a band, but as people. They could have scrapped what they had altogether and released a ‘better’ set of songs after they were in a better mental space to. But they didn’t. And i am grateful for that.

i am grateful for this document of a particular human experience, this exorcising of toxic emotions, and the realization that there really is a more humane and liberating way to deliver love.

It’s all within our hands.

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Baba Pharoah Sanders Has Met The Ancestors…

Posted on September 29, 2022 by jamilah

September 24, 2022. Central Park East.

As i rolled through the mini tunnel i said to myself, ‘Pharoah Sanders played in this tunnel,’ and i smiled. While i definitely got my tunnels wrong (the one he played in was in San Francisco), the thought of Pharoah Sanders- wherever he may be in the world- gives me great joy.

A day or two prior to this moment though, a(nother) brief thought flashed through my mind: him not being here. It flashed through my mind a couple of times, but i let it pass. It’s not something i wanted to focus on. However, it was a similar thought i had about Michael Jackson, months before his passing. ‘MJ is gonna die at the age of 50,’ i kept thinking. When he turned 50 and it didn’t happen, i felt relieved in my wrongness.

But then it happened. Just as it happened with Pharoah Sanders. i don’t particularly believe in coincidences. That said, it is fascinating to me that the day i pass through this tunnel, mistakenly thinking this person had history in this particular spot, was the day he traveled to meet the ancestors.

Those who know me well enough know what Pharoah Sanders means to me. When i feel an immense amount of stress, or am having an extreme depressive episode, i turn to his music to feel peace. Interestingly, the day before his physical transition, i released a documentary charting the love i, and others have, for one of Metallica’s most despised albums, St. Anger. In it, i describe feeling “blanketed in love” whenever i listen to it, “an experience similar to when i listen to Earth Wind & Fire, or Pharoah Sanders.”

i am glad i had the opportunity to acknowledge him in such a public way, even if it appears as a small gesture of appreciation, amidst a larger film about an album from a seemingly opposing genre… an opposition stubbornly upheld by humans.

The first time i ever saw Pharoah Sanders perform, i uncontrollably cried rivers before he even played a note. He walked on stage, and i cried. Despite me being in almost nosebleed seats, his presence resonated throughout that whole room. On that evening, along with Ravi Coltrane, he paid tribute to his dear friends (and Ravi’s parents) Alice and John.

i had an opportunity to see Mr. Sanders two other times after that. Both times i was front and center- or as they say in the metal community, on/at the rail. You see me in the video below, bobbing my head and dancing a bit in the hat and glasses.

i can’t remember who i gave it to, in order to pass it on that evening, but i wrote a note of thanks, labeling it, ‘To Baba Pharoah Sanders.’ i even knitted or crocheted a small bag to put the note in. Hopefully he received it.

The other show i was at (at the same venue) was with the great Gary Bartz, commemorating the 50th anniversary of the album, Another Earth.

“It’s like he’s playing, like, pure light at you. It’s way beyond the language. it’s way beyond the emotion.”

Lakecia Benjamin said more in those few words than i could ever say with this whole post. “You hear Pharoah Sanders, you immediately are filled with joy.”

But right now, i feel conflicted. i feel joy, knowing he is is a place where he is no longer in pain. i feel joy that he has now finally met the Prince Of Peace. Simultaneously my heart feels sorrow. i have been crying since i heard the news last night. i woke up crying, before i decided to write this piece.

Last night, i was on the phone with a friend, and i randomly saw that Coolio had passed. That, of course, threw me aback. My friend mentioned that someone else had passed as well, but didn’t say the name. i think he figured i already knew; however, given that i didn’t mention Mr. Sanders’ name, he decided to speak up. i was speechless, and the only words i could utter at the moment were “WHAT??!! WHAT??!!” There are several people i would be sad about when they leave this earth. However, Pharoah Sanders is one of the few names that, if i were to hear of their physical transcendence, i know it would automatically be difficult for me- Angela Bofill and H.R. (of Bad Brains) are the other two.

And now one of the three is gone.

Knowing this could have been his final public appearance brings tears to my eyes:

i thought about the tattoo i have on the back of my leg- it says ‘Love Is Everywhere’, inspired by the Pharoah Sanders song of the same name. It is one of three jazz-inspired tattoos i have, paying tribute to Mr. Sanders, Herbie Hancock and John Coltrane. One of the Coltrane-inspired pieces is no longer, after losing it due to my legs getting messed up from getting hit by a truck. i won’t get into that here, as you can read about it in past posts. i even have a Pharoah Sanders song as one of the ringtones on my phone.

i understand that the words i write here are not comprised of the world’s greatest post. They just seem jumbled and incoherent, honestly. It’s quite difficult to compose a series of words, describing how i feel right now. i feel a bit stuck actually, because what i’m feeling transcends words. My connection to this person’s art conveyed more than words. Words just seem trivial, but it’s a common way to communicate feelings. Any type of feelings.

Pharoah Sanders composed a soundtrack of peace, in the midst of great turmoil. it was not a series of sounds to encourage passivity; it was a force of encouragement, awareness and activity… It was a gateway to an understanding of our higher selves.

Thank you for your contribution to the beauty of humanity, Baba Pharoah Sanders. You showed us that we truly can access the love that is in us all. All we have to do is listen, and realize that it’s there.

Posted in art, dance, documentary, life, transcendence | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Gift Of James Hetfield’s Speech

Posted on May 19, 2022 by jamilah

A lot of speculation has occurred in relation to James Hetfield publicly addressing his anxieties and insecurities, while in Belo Horizonte, Brazil (at Estádio do Mineirão). He mentioned that he “wasn’t feeling very good” before coming out on stage, adding that some of the insecurities are stemming from his fear of not being able to play as well, due to his getting older: “‘I’m an old guy, can’t play anymore’. All this bullshit that I tell myself in my head.”

This brought tears to my eyes. Not for the reasons many are discussing- that this potentially symbolizes the beginning of the end of Metallica. i don’t want to focus on all of the speculation; however, i will say this: if and when they do decide that they are no longer able to do this anymore, i support it. i truly believe that mental, physical and spiritual health are more important than doing anything, when you physically/mentally/spiritually are no longer able to. i really am grateful to the universe that i was able to live in the same lifetime, being able to experience them.

But again, finality is not the focus.

Before i continue, i want to mention that these words preceded ‘Sad But True’, the lyrics now carrying a whole different element:

I’m your dream, mind astray
I’m your eyes while you’re away
I’m your pain while you repay

I’m your truth, telling lies
I’m your reason, alibis
I’m inside, open your eyes
I’m you

Tears are not tears of sadness, but at marveling at a human’s journey. i am sure it took a lot for him to acknowledge what he is currently experiencing. While his struggles with addiction have been very public (i mean, there was a whole film discussing it, there were a few albums covering it (yes, i am also including Load and ReLoad) and there was the announcement of the second rehabilitation stint); this was a very different feeling.

James Hetfield was, according to many who knew him as a young person, a painfully shy individual. If the only reference you have is any year after 1985 in particular, you may disagree. However, it’s easy to conceal extreme shyness when fronting an increasingly internationally known band. Imagine being shy, then losing a parent at a young age. Imagine being young and losing the one person you looked up to for balance, inspiration and guidance. You’re more likely to either withdraw further, or take out your grief and anger on others, and/or yourself… which is ultimately what happened.

Imagine being shy, and being thrust out into the world in the biggest metal band of all time. You couldn’t imagine doing anything else, but you also most likely never thought about all of the contradictions that come with that. This latest speech, to me, is actually in line with the anxieties Hetfield named in regards to “the bigness of Metallica” in Some Kind Of Monster, the documentary covering the recording process of St. Anger (an album i hold dear to my heart, and will continue to defend). He’s been pretty consistent about this whole thing, as far as i’m concerned. In line with this i really do think my hunch was correct in recognizing that he was going through something, enough to say some of the things he did at the 40th anniversary shows (which i wrote about in previous posts).

He’s also repeated the line of not being alone during ‘Fade To Black’ in post-40th shows. There was some actual pain in his voice in this latest speech (where he stated: “Seeing you out there, I am not alone. I am not alone, and neither are you.”); it also looked as if he wiped some tears away.

As a person who’s experienced a life-altering accident (including the loss of a limb), Metallica was a huge part of that journey to assist me in coming terms with a lot of what was happening. As a person who plays instruments, they have inspired me to find joy, even in the mistakes- because i am alive to even make those mistakes. While i’m saying all of this, i do have days where i feel like i don’t know if i will ever be where i’d like to be, in terms of playing music. There are days where it’s just hard to stand or try to walk, because my existing foot and ankle are extremely swollen (like right now), or my joints feel really tight. There are days where i don’t feel like doing anything, despite knowing i have to.

There are days where it feels like i have no one to talk to, when i most need it.

The thing that affected me the most was hearing James Hetfield mention the support he received from his bandmates when discussing his mental health struggles, and how that meant “the world” to him. When Rob, Kirk and Lars all went to embrace him on stage it brought up a lot of emotions i felt during the band’s embrace at the 40th Anniversary show.

i miss hugs so much. i think i have received only all of two in the past two years. A hug a year… i guess that’s something. While i was indeed sad for myself, it made me happy to see someone else receive a much needed blanket of hugs.

It made me happy to see how far James Hetfield has come. He was open in his anxiety around getting older (and it affecting his ability to play in the same way); he also shared his growth, from an extremely shy teenager, to an angry young man to a husband and father struggling with addiction; to an elder approaching the age of 60, accepting of his own vulnerabilities. To me, that journey is a greater gift than being able to downpick at 150 BPM for the rest of your life.

i can say for certain that James Hetfield (as well as Rob Trujillo, Kirk Hammett and Lars Ulrich) have helped many people along the way, in sharing their gifts with the world. i can say for certain that, while people love to point out all the mistakes they make, sharing those mistakes with the world gives us greater insight into our own ‘human-ness’. i can say for certain that again, the gifts Metallica have brought to the world travel far beyond music.

This speech is just an extension of that. For all of us shy kids… all the kids living with depression, feeling alone and misunderstood, experiencing loss… Metallica represents more than a musical experience.

In my eyes, it’s also a spiritual one.

What he said may have only been a minute or so long, but i am truly grateful that he took whatever trepidation he may have been facing, and shared with us what may have saved someone’s life- including his own.

Posted in life, music | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Through Rainbow Insides: The Spiritual Gifts Of Metallica’s 40th Solar Return

Posted on December 23, 2021 by jamilah

(Warning: The following content includes mention and/or descriptions of abuse, suicide and depression.  To get more details about the shows, go here: https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-rbc7t-1160ce8)

December 22, 2021.

John Coltrane.  Psalm.

These are the only words i can think of, if one were to ask about my experience of the weekend, celebrating the 40th solar return of Metallica.  Those words are the simplest way i can describe it all.

As i am in the taxi on my way to get a prosthetic (after 10 months of not having a full leg), a wave of nervousness rushes over me, and i begin to think about the many tattoos i lost as a result of the accident; but specifically, one of Coltrane’s words of prayer to the Creator:

God breathes through us so completely
So gently we hardly feel it
Yet, it is our everything.
Thank you God.

As the taxi weaves around the highway i write this.  And i cry.  Not simply for the lost tattoo.  Words internally implant themselves farther than any ink can.  i cry because of gratefulness, of gratitude for the gifts i was able to experience.  i know it may seem strange to connect these words of prayer to Metallica (given some of the imagery over the years), but my heart was filled with an abundance of love.

Perhaps it was to protect me from the real world… the world that overwhelmed me with grief an hour later.

In the same taxi, i rode back from my appointment to fit a new prosthetic leg.  Anticipating tears of joy in the start of this new life, i cried not tears of gratitude, but fear.  Holding the leg, its heaviness felt like a literal and figurative weight i struggled to carry.  i held it together when i tried the leg on and walked in it for the first time; but the moment i got in the car, all of the pain, loss and trauma flowed outward.  i was inconsolable.

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i did exactly what i aimed not to do- i saw the leg as an enemy.  Immediate disassociation and resentment kicked in.  The leg is a reminder of everything that happened on THAT DAY.  i’ve been pretty optimistic about everything so far, and it was the first time i’ve felt any anger around it all.  My roommate happened to be in the apartment when i returned.  He asked me how everything went, and i began crying again.  He had already put the leg in my room.  He asked if i wanted him to bring it back out.  i looked up at him and said yes.

The moment he brought it out, i let out the biggest cry i’ve had in a long time.  It was the first time the realization kicked in…  a part of me died.  In that moment i really felt like dying.  i was afraid i was going to enter another crisis.

You rise, you fall, you’re down then you rise again
What don’t kill you make you more strong

That truck didn’t kill me.  THAT TRUCK DIDN’T KILL ME.

But i feel everything except strong.  i hate that the one thing that is supposed to help me, i am fearful of.  i feel broken and beaten down by that fear.  i cannot look at the leg without recoiling.

Let the scars tell the story

i (and my bicycle) were (literally) caught under the wheels’ roll, and the scars tell the story; but the prosthetic is a reminder of the pins that will always be in me.  Pins.  And rods, in one leg, where the other is amputated. Can you heal what the truck driver has done?  They did the best they could, and because of that i will always have pins in me.

i now need to cut the bike chain that is driving my fear of the unknown, and run towards a better life.   Everything that made sense about death disappeared in the one moment i saw the leg, and i don’t want to be trapped by a past i cannot (or want to) recreate.

For ten months i thought i was fine and pain-free, but the pins and rods they used to heal my broken leg can’t replace the fracture in my heart.

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And i put a heart in my hands.  Literally.

Well, in tattoo form.

Tattoos are not simply a means of expression, but a passage of time. Tattoos have always been a reflection of the narratives of my life.  For me, they were initially a way for me to counteract the self-harm i was doing to myself.  If i got a piece of art on my body i wouldn’t want to slice or burn that part of my body up.

As i thought about the lost John Coltrane piece, i thought about other pieces that have been lost, or faded with time.  One of those pieces is actually connected to one of my favorite Metallica songs.  In my journey of making sense of death (which is a continued journey that i’m obviously struggling with right now) i wanted to express that journey in one of the most painful places to get a tattoo- the palms (in my experience, the knees and hands (both sides) are the most painful spots.  And i have been covered from neck to foot.).  i’ve already experienced one of the most painful things someone could go through with the accident; i don’t think a palm tattoo could feel any worse.

Let go.  Be still.

It was a daily reminder to untie myself from the binds of expectation that those i love will give the same in return.  i heard repeatedly growing up that i was worthless, stupid and ugly.  It took decades to cease the internalization of those words.  The person who said those words to me, she may not actively say them now; however, her silence (particularly in this time of great vulnerability) is deafening.

Mama, let my heart go.  i survived being ragdolled by a truck; i don’t want to die of a broken heart.  i can’t expect you to fix the hole, because you’re not around.  i did not really know the man who produced me, and my narcissist stepfather has long perished, at the age of 50.  i was about 27 at the time, and am now only five years younger than he was when he left this earth.  Mama, let my heart go.  i must say it like a mantra, so i don’t open the door of disappointment, and end up totally closing my heart to you.  i love you.  If anything were to happen to you i would be inconsolable.  But i must find my way out of the (brain) fog.

The more I search, the more my need for you

But you are not there.  So i must find my way.

Much of the palm pieces have faded away, due to them being done ‘traditionally’, as opposed to stippling (or dot work).  While i may actually get them redone (by stippling) at some point, i honestly appreciate (and am grateful for) the body’s ability to regenerate itself.  It’s also a reminder to work harder at the message: to let go, and be still.

i need to set all anger and expectations free.

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i was 19 years old when John Coltrane (and Herbie Hancock) changed my life.  i was 45 years old when Metallica changed it again.

December 16-20, 2021.

Letting go of all expectations and leaving everything to the universe was one of the best decisions i made when it came to going to San Francisco, California, to participate in the 40th anniversary events.  It began with missing the initial flight.  The woman who helped me stated that there were two choices: get a later evening flight (that would set me back 1700 dollars), or get a flight at 8:30 the next morning.  i mentioned that i wasn’t able to do either one.  She offered a third choice:  i could wait on standby for a flight that was a couple of hours away.

i ended up on that flight.  The flight attendants sat with me until they brought the wheelchair to take me off the plane.

i shared the weekend’s experiences with Jesse, one of my closest friends of over ten years.  He was not familiar with the band until recently, and the 40th anniversary shows would be his first time seeing them live.  With the two shows it would be my second (and third)- the first time i saw them was on December 3, 1991.  i was excited for him to take all of the energy in.  i had no idea how things would be for him; but i know it would be extremely overwhelming for me, given it would be my first time on any major outing since the accident.

Similar to putting on the prosthetic, i knew i would cry.  i certainly did, but it was for different reasons.

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(Photo courtesy of Jluff1)

One of the things i was most happy about was the fact that not everything having to do with the weekend was directly tied to music, or about the band.  When it was announced that there would be an opportunity to participate in an outdoor food pantry (via SF Marin and AWMH), i signed up the moment it opened up.  Prior to the accident i was able to do a lot more outdoor organizing and community work, so this made me extremely happy.  There was also a beach cleanup (a collaboration with TogetherSF) the following day; if i was physically able to do that i would have done that as well.  Through the food bank that day, around 450 families were fed.

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In terms of music; while most there for the 40th participated in the rock n’ roll hijinks about town, Jesse and i balanced things out and saw some jazz.  i first saw Kamasi Washington live on his tour for The Epic (my favorite album of 2015), and similar to the food pantry i went and got tickets the moment they were available. His cover of ‘My Friend Of Misery’ on the Blacklist covers collection was one of my absolute favorites, along with Tomi Owó’s rendition of ‘Through The Never’ (my favorite song on Metallica (aka TBA)), and Sam Fender’s version of ‘Sad But True’.

Right before this we actually spent a full day at the cinema, for the Metallica Film Fest:  Cliff ‘Em All, Cunning Stunts and Orgullo, Pasión y Gloria: Tres Noches en la Ciudad de México- i have already seen all of these, but i wanted to see them on the big screen.  Jesse hadn’t seen any of them, and i am appreciative of him sticking it out with me and my film nerdiness in the cold theatre for those seven hours! 

On the day of the second concert we ended up meeting up with Met Club member (and multi-instrumentalist) Bryce, and his friend Adrian.  He has an excellent series where he does an in-depth overview of the band’s catalog.  He is also part of the St. Anger defenders/fan club (like myself and Jesse)!  Bryce and i had been communicating through e mail, and made plans to hang out at some point during the 40th.  One massive positive that came out of the experience was the connection Jesse and Bryce made (as they don’t live too far from one another).  We met so many wonderful people whose names we didn’t catch (and a couple we did).

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Words, sounds, speech, men, memory, thoughts,
fears and emotions – time – all related …
all made from one … all made in one.

Thought waves – heat waves-all vibrations –
all paths lead to God. Thank you God.

-John Coltrane, Psalm

Pursuit of truth no matter where it lies

Gazing up to the breeze of the heavens
On a quest, meaning, reason
Came to be, how it begun

-Metallica, Through The Never

“Not coming from me, man.  It’s…  powers elsewhere.  I’m just the messenger, man.  Bringing the metal message.”

-James Hetfield

Why exactly are we here?  Why exactly would there be a spiritual connection to a bunch of dudes in a world-famous metal band?  What exactly is the connection to John William Coltrane?

December 19, 2021 was the evening i said a prayer.  Thank you God, for Metallica being in my life.

The first night of the 40th added to the overwhelming feeling of the material realities of the moment.   It was the first time in a long time i didn’t feel…  alone.  It was the first time i was somewhere that wasn’t a store or a doctor’s office.  It was the first time i smiled- i mean, like, REALLY smiled- in a long time.  Throughout the weekend i emotionally and mentally struggled with this new life- i felt horrible that i was not able to walk around San Francisco with my friend Jesse; that he had to push me around town, sometimes up steep hills….  that we haven’t been able to do as many of the things we may have wanted to do, due to my physical limitations.  There were times i just felt in the way.

But the first night of the 40th, even though i couldn’t stand (which is what i would normally do at a concert such as this), i didn’t feel isolated.  i didn’t feel the stares or the pity.  When the first notes of AC/DC’s ‘It’s A Long Way To The Top’ came on, i, and thousands of others knew what was about to happen.  We all paused what we were previously doing, and the energy began to rise.

We were all about to celebrate the 40th solar return of a group of men who have shared a part of their lives with us.

Ennio Morricone is the sign that it’s about to be on.  On the screens was a montage of the band over the years, to the soundtrack of ‘The Ecstasy Of Gold’.  We were all setting sail to the sea of covid, of tragedy, of disillusionment; we were pulled off course by the treasure of lights that were hit, amidst a montage of the original logo, and memories of an Electra Flying V.

No bells or whistles.  No playing around.  They were there to tell their life’s story.

This was life or death by their hands.  And they chose both.  Every celebration of a milestone or solar return is a reminder of not just the death of a former day, but the birth of a new one.

Night one.

The opening chords to ‘Trapped Under Ice’ and ‘Shortest Straw’ left me without a voice for a time, as i screamed so loud as a response to a part of my set list wish list being fulfilled.  While we are always told to ‘manage our expectations’ (or leave them (and our egos) at the door); wish lists are still fun to compile.

One of the aspects to the journey of Metallica is shifting what was once associated with anger or pain to something positive, the most significant example being ‘All Within My Hands’.  Originally detailing the need to control everything and everyone you love; it’s now become the name of a foundation, focusing on collaborating with community organizations that tackle food, educational and economic disparities.

For the 40th, ‘The Day That Never Comes’ has worked in similar ways. As a person who is a survivor of emotional, physical and sexual trauma, as well as someone who has attempted to end my life on various occasions; it’s a song that has deeply resonated with me.

Hide in yourself
Crawl in yourself
You’ll have your time

God I’ll make them pay
Take it back one day
I’ll end this day
I’ll splatter color on this gray

Hearing the song itself on this night gave me chills.  What made the moment more special was the montage of films, showing the global impact of this band, which surpassed the music.  The 40th solar return of Metallica was the day that came.  The bars have been sawed off, and we can now speak of love.

There was the unexpected, monumental surprise of the evening that left many of us in absolute shock, or tears:

FIXXXER.

i feel incredibly grateful to have been present with Jesse (and so many others) for this world premiere.  Those both at the Chase Center and watching the live stream collectively heard the opening tape and asked, ‘Are they doing what i think it is they’re doing??!!’ And they did it.

They cut the rope that was tied to the vault.  Here lies the stone:  Three X’s for the death of the spell of zero.

(Image courtesy of metallica.com)

Here lies the prediction Papa Het made nine years ago, in relation to songs untouched:  “The only one missing from that pairing is ‘FIXXXER’!  Well maybe at the 40th ann. party.”  i feel so humbled to have seen that vulnerable moment on stage.  i am grateful to see the wisdom and rumination in the delivery.  As a person who hates the sound of my own voice, i empathize with James Hetfield’s occasional half joking/half self-deprecating comments.  As a person who considers him to be one of the greatest vocalists in metal, i don’t think he should be as hard on himself as he is.

ESPECIALLY when it comes to ‘Fixxxer’.

Many commented on the roughness in which ‘Fixxxer’ was delivered.  It was perfect.  It was a gift from the Creator.  All mistakes (or “happy accidents”) from Rob, Kirk, Lars and James are blessings.  It shows they are human.  Nothing we as humans do will never be perfect, because we are a wall of contradictions.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with ‘Fixxxer’.

‘Fixxxer’ was the first moment of the evening, where i truly understood the healing power of Metallica.  Everything is nice when using a band as a soundtrack to life; but that is all theory. Though the statement is used in more revolutionary circles, i think the statement “Theory without practice is empty, and practice without theory is blind” holds truth here as well.

Watching hundreds of live performances on a screen is great (and i have done it); and even seeing them live as a youth (like i have) is also great.  But there is something about physically seeing this band, after having lived life.  Though i’ve experienced death, abuse, assault, isolation, disappointment, heartbreak and ideation in my youth, i never understood the magnitude of

I believe I’m not alone
Shell of shotgun
Pint of gin
Numb us up to shield the pins
Renew our faith
Which way we can
To fall in love with life again
To fall in love with life again
To fall in love with life again
To fall in love
To fall in love
To fall in love with life again

until i reached adulthood.

Back to ‘real life’ for a second.

This may seem a small gesture (or totally unnoticed) to some, but the acknowledgement of folks in the community like Austin (who is African and trans) in any film clips and features is extremely important.  As a matter of fact, there was a post on the forums during the 40th, initiated by someone who felt alone as a Metallica fan in the LGBTQ+ community.  They mentioned how good it felt to see a gay couple in front of them at the concert.

To those who are not, or do not feel marginalized, none of that matters.  ‘Because we are all one family.’ But believe me, it does.  Sometimes families are the ones who enact the most toxicity.

Queer kids, disabled kids, kids who are survivors of trauma and abuse…  Kids on the political, social and gender margins…  Kids who feel isolated from the outside world.  As i mentioned before, while punk and metal claim to be welcoming to ‘outsiders’, that isn’t always reflective of real life.  These very kids who are in theory welcomed in, are the recipients of violence- physical, emotional and otherwise…  sometimes in those very punk and metal communities.  So it means a lot to a punk kid like me (who happens to be in a few of the communities described above) to see one of my favorite bands be decisive in where they stand.

And of course, comedian and podcaster Dean Delray (one of the openers, along with DJ Lord) was adamant in stating ‘there is no place for racism or homophobia at a Metallica show, or in metal.’

Thank you.

Night two.

As the first night documented an ascending order of albums (from Kill ‘Em All to Hardwired…  To Self Destruct), the second brought a descending collection of the 40-year span.  The night started off powerful, and included some strong classics and standards; as well as some massively deep cuts and wishes granted, with ‘End Of The Line’, ‘Dirty Window’ and ‘Wasting My Hate’.

While night one was me processing things materially, and while ‘Fixxxer’ was the seed that was planted, it was night two (and three songs) where i truly began to connect spiritually.

It was during ‘Bleeding Me’ in which my eyes began to water, and i lifted my hands and prayed the same prayer several times, grateful for the presence of this band in my life.  At the song’s conclusion, Hetfield mentions the song as being “selfishly therapeutic.”

The Creator works in ways we least expect it. James Alan Hetfield is just the messenger.  Even if he did that song for his own means for connection, it was clear he was not the only one who needed it.

One thing on my wish list was to see the ‘Unforgiven’ trilogy…  and i got 1/3 of that wish.  Hearing ‘The Unforgiven’ is always emotional for me; and as it was playing at the 40th i teared up, processing the relationship with my mother even more.  Perhaps it’s where my head was at, but it sounded world-weary and somber, as opposed to the anger and resentment of the beloved San Diego ’92 performance.  The wisdom of growing older brings a different energy.

It was perfect.  Kirk Hammett’s solo (my favorite of all time) added to the pathos i was already feeling.  Those Ernie Ball strings were crying, along with me.  It was perhaps the greatest performance of that song i had seen.  Ever.

It is approaching near the end of the descending cycle, and out of all the songs from Ride The Lightening they didn’t choose a deep cut (like they did with the first night).  They will probably never do ‘Escape’ again (after doing it in 2012), despite it being loved by hardcore folks.   They chose ‘Fade To Black’.

‘Fade To Black’.  When i heard those opening chords i almost lost it.  i was so overwhelmed at this point, still doing my best to take it all in.  Whatever was happening did not truly register until the next day.

i almost didn’t make it to the 40th.  i was moments away from ending my life.  It would not have been the first time.  The me that was was gone, and i was tired of fighting.  People can tell you you are loved and wanted all day, but sometimes you just feel like you’re in everybody’s way.  With a traumatic accident causing permanent physical changes, with people who claim to love and/or care about you not being there in your greatest time of need (and just opting to never contact you again); with never properly processing the passing of one of your closest friends; with the isolation of your physical limitations…  everything i’ve worked hard to heal from returned with a vengeance.

Everyone keeps telling me how strong i’ve been.  And i feel anything but.

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony

No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Now I can’t think, think why I should even try

Goodbye

“This is dedicated to all those who are mentally struggling, and are afraid to tell anyone…  You are not alone.”  i don’t personally know any of these men, but at the moment, that hit my spirit harder than anything said or played either night.

It wasn’t until the next day where everything registered, and i cried and cried and cried.  i was silent for much of the morning, and when i began to discuss the shows with Jesse, uncontrollable rivers emanated from my eyes.  As many times as i’ve heard all of these songs- either live or on album, everything that happened throughout the 40th spoke to me in ways they hadn’t before.

i am still crying as i write this.

(Photo courtesy of metalchic348)

“Thank you, to you three guys.”

While James Hetfield thanked all former members of Metallica, crew members, various bands as well as anyone in the ‘Metallica Family’ who has supported them over the years, it was the love he showed to Kirk, Rob and Lars that was the most moving.  To watch a young kid struggle with even talking or looking at people grow into a young man angry at the world, having not processed his grief in healthy ways; to a father and husband who’s struggled with addiction and compromise…  to the older man who has come to the acceptance that vulnerability, self-reflection and humility are healthy; i have great respect and an open heart for the man James Hetfield has become.  i saw a lot of him in myself in far too many ways ways, and i was afraid of that.

He is a survivor, and as a fellow survivor i can only have compassion.

“I’m pointing at you, Kirk.”

My guess is that Kirk was feigning surprise at James’ announcement, but it was well played.  i am a huge fan of Kirk’s style of dry humor, and the brilliance of his off timing.  It is heavily underappreciated.  i am also a fan of Kirk’s wide-eyed, childlike excitement for the things he loves, as well as his open vulnerability/sensitivity.  “Thank you for being my buddies, my brothers…”  He made a joke afterwards about his wallet missing (and they went right back to business), but the little Papa Het said left a large impact.

Again, maybe it was just where i was mentally at, but it seemed to me that both he and Kirk needed that hug the most.  Lars actually looked like the ‘papa bear’ in this case, in the way he assuredly patted James on the back. The tear-inducing embrace between Lars and James at the Hall Of Fame in 2009 symbolized the experiences of all the joys and struggles of a lifelong friendship, and the hug at the 40th read more like a warm blanket.  The smallest, most subtle gestures are sometimes the most powerful.

i also have respect for the way they acknowledged any mistakes they made in how they’ve treated others, and worked to rectify that as quickly as possible in their acceptance of Rob as a fellow brother.

i maintain what i said in the last writing- i am grateful to this band for helping me make sense of death.  What i least expected was for this world-famous metal band- a band who usually speaks to the suffering and wickedness of the world- to be an embodiment of Coltrane’s aural appreciation for the gifts of the Creator, through the vehicle of the celebration of their life.  i have little knowledge of the band’s collective spiritual beliefs or affiliations; i just know what i experienced.

Words, sounds, speech, men, memory, thoughts,
fears and emotions – time – all related …
all made from one … all made in one.

Truth can be pursued, wherever it is made available.  The only thing the universe asks is for you to be open to it.

Time and space never ending

My body is the temple in which art depicts the journey of time; it will continue to tilt until it learns to walk again.

Step into the house in the process of being rebuilt after crumbling.

i am.  i am.  I AM.

Yes, i am.

Thank you Lars, Rob, Kirk and James for being the teachers you are.

Thank you God for bringing them to me.

Thank you God.

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