the one woman apollo!

St. Louis Joys, and St. Louis Blues

Posted on November 10, 2023 by jamilah

The ‘post-show blues’ is a common thing people get, after seeing a show from a beloved artist. The blues i encounter has nothing to do with the show itself; it has everything to do with returning to the cycle of loneliness i experience, after a weekend of community and hugs.

My connection to the artists i love has less to do with music, than other factors. i’ve mentioned on other posts how my connection to Metallica is more of a spiritual and philosophical one, so i did not expect my experience of seeing them in St. Louis to be any different. The one major difference about this weekend is that i spent time with people in the community, as opposed to spending most of my time alone.

Connection is very important to me. i’m not one of the ‘cool kids’ who are well-known or well steeped in the Metallica community; and despite my shyness i do make an effort to approach people and say hello, sometimes getting strange looks. i suppose i am also hidden in plain sight since i don’t look like a ‘typical Metallica fan’, so i get passed over a lot.

i also rarely, if ever, see others en route to or returning from a show, if traveling out of town. i hear stories of people always seeing each other at the airport or during a flight; there’s always word of a crew member sighting. i tend to never be the recipient of such fortune. But this time was different…

A heavily tattooed man approached me, asking if i was going to see Metallica. Though i wear hoodies and t-shirts quite a bit, no one really approaches me about it, so i was silently surprised by his question. As a heavily tattooed person myself, my interest is always piqued when i see others just as heavily (or more) inked. Because i tend to be covered up, most people aren’t aware of the art i have all over my body, so it is me who usually approaches others.

The heavily tattooed man finds a pick and hands it to me. i discovered that his name was Eric, and he worked on the crew of the opening band, Pantera- a band i have seen two or three times on their Vulgar Display Of Power tour in the early 1990s…. one of the shows being where they actually opened for Skid Row (on April 22, 1992 at the Paramount Theater in NYC). Eric left, then returned ten or so minutes later, where we briefly chatted about tattoos and their levels of pain. He ended up sitting a couple of rows in front of me on the plane.

He was a very nice person.

The waiting period after pre-boarding is one of several awkward moments, because with one leg people have to climb over you if you are not in a window seat. Most people are not expecting an amputee to just be sitting there. The knee of my amputated leg doesn’t bend much either, which makes it more awkward. Another awkward moment is the hope that you don’t have to go to the bathroom during the flight, especially if there’s not a lot of leg room between rows.

My body’s clock is interesting, because i tend to fall asleep immediately after takeoff (and right after the safety and emergency protocols), and i wake up right before the landing announcement. i tend to get very little rest before flying, so that nap is something i always look forward to. Prior to this flight to St. Louis i took a very brief 20-30 minute nap (in the wheelchair as i was preparing to pack); however, i had a tiny jolt of energy upon meeting Julian, who was also going to see the band.

His lack of cynicism and his display of love for the experience of Metallica made me incredibly happy. He talked about how his meeting people from all over the world and building community were the most important to him, ultimately proving that the notion of a ‘Metallica Family’ is not a trivial one. Julian made the experience less awkward for me.

When we got to STL/Lambert we went to baggage claim, where i waited for my bag and Julian waited for a friend. In the middle of that we saw Austin, who amazingly, we both knew. It was very much beginning to feel like a family reunion, where i was meeting all of my relations, some for the first time.

Once i got to the hotel room, all of the tiredness made its return, but not before the joy i felt being in a hotel room that was actually spacious enough for a wheelchair. Most rooms i stay in are workable, but not easy to maneuver in. The one downside of the room i stayed in- there was no bench in the bathroom. It is possible that they may have provided one if asked; that said, even though i am able to transfer in a bathtub on my own with one leg, not everyone can. It also isn’t pleasant to take a shower sitting in a bathtub with one leg. The upside of the bathroom was that the shower head was adjustable enough to actually accommodate someone who has to take a shower sitting down in the bath. This is rarely a thing i’ve seen in hotels. The other upside? There were washcloths! i usually have to remember to bring my own washcloths when i travel, because hotels tend not to have them available for some reason.

The social model of disability is very real. While i understand this i have to fight with myself every single day of my life that it is me who is in the way of everything because of my disability. i’m not the massively athletic, muscular person i once was; simply leaving the house and going wherever i want is no longer as easy, and i still struggle with hating myself because of it. Going to see Metallica is always a big deal for me, because it takes me a bit outside of that destructive self-doubt.

…Of course, the self-doubt is not totally removed, as the reality of isolation kicks in. Among the thousands of people attending the concert, i feel very alone. Because i am in a wheelchair i tend to get accessible seating (which is seating that complies with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990- so imagine being disabled and attending a show prior to this… and imagine attending a venue that either has not complied, or is slow to the process of being in compliance- back to that good ‘ol social model).

As an amputee in a wheelchair i don’t necessarily want to be in general admission (GA) because i don’t want people falling all over me, especially when guitar and bass picks are being thrown. Prior to this current tour i have been in the snake pit at a Metallica show before- i wish this experience for everyone who wants to do this. It is unforgettable. i was inches away from the members of my second favorite band. At the same time it was pretty rough: i regret not one moment of being there, but standing with a prosthetic for 99% of their set was incredibly painful for me. And then once again, there’s the pick situation. Being in an accessible seat means you are far away from anyone else you know who is either in GA or snake pit. There’s a good chance you may see them only for a few moments, or not at all, which is what usually happens. While the most excited among us tend to be closer to the stage, there are a few of us farther away, among a sea of still-bodied audience members- dancing, thrashing, screaming and singing every lyric, and air drumming and guitaring to to every fill, riff and solo.

(Admittedly, while standing for a whole set is painful for my legs, my one wish is to be in the snake pit for at least one time on the M72 tour, so i can see my greatest musical inspiration, Lars Ulrich, in action. i got to see everyone else up close but him.)

While (as mentioned several times, including this piece) my relationship to Metallica is primarily spiritual and philosophical, there are times where the spiritual energy is incredibly strengthened, with little explanation. The first of the two nights (November 3 and 5) represented this for me specifically. From ‘Lux Æterna’ to ‘The Day That Never Comes’, i experienced a series of moments that almost matched what i felt at the 40th anniversary shows. There are many names people have for this specific energy- for me, it is the same energy espoused in Coltrane’s ‘Psalm’. i spent much of the show with my eyes closed, and allowed God (what i see as that universal energy, and the expression of it) to guide the process. While there tends to be a focus on the technicalities, i find peace and gratefulness in the humility that flows through the vulnerabilities and mistakes. i feel respect for a group of people who learned how to grow and be human with one another, in the course of the 42 years of their collective existence on this earth.

The other thing that gave me great joy may be a thing that isn’t of great importance to most who read this. As a 14, 15-year old kid whose favorite band was Metallica (and first saw them in concert at that age) i was made fun of a lot for being into ‘white people’s music.’ Even up to this year i have been told by folks that i ‘don’t look like the kind of person who would be listening to this type of music.’ So when i could count on more than six hands the amount of Africans i saw at this concert my heart felt so happy. This was unprecedented in my experience of seeing this band…. or any metal/rock band. While many will say that these sorts of things don’t matter (because… unity through music and such); when you are in a place where you see yourself represented either minimally or not at all, it ultimately does matter. When i was a young punk kid i didn’t see the types of more widespread acceptance- be it ethnicity, location (i ended up meeting someone from the St. Germany fan club chapter that night), gender/expression, orientation, ability/disability, neurodiversity- that i am only starting to see, 30 years later, as an old(er) punk kid. It is the beginning of a reality many of us punk kids actively worked towards all of these years.

After the show i waited two hours before i was able to get a ride back to the hotel. The traffic was pretty bad within the vicinity of the venue. After finally getting a ride, when i entered the car the music piqued my interest, and i exclaimed with joy that it was music from Mali. The driver was shocked i was aware of this, and i responded that i loved Malian music. We listened to Oumou Sangaré throughout the whole ride.

i may be a punk kid, but my musical interests are international.

Admittedly, one of my favorite things about seeing this band is waiting till the end, where Lars ruminates and spouts off statistics about whatever city or country they’re in. The man is a walking encyclopedia of Metallica.

The day in between the two shows was just as eventful.

It was a day many were waiting for, after the surprise announcement not too soon before, that James Hetfield- a man who has not done a meet and greet since 2017 (i think)- was doing a book signing for Messengers, a book documenting his various guitars over the years. i have his other book, Reclaimed Rust, so i expect this latest work (which i actually pre-ordered upon the announcement for the release) to be just as visually stunning. As a person who craves connection with others despite being massively shy; i empathize with James. i also empathize with there being a point that engaging with large numbers of people can be extremely overwhelming. This is the conundrum of a creative person. i don’t blame him at all for wanting to take a break and disengage. i have no idea what it feels like to be adored by thousands of people, and i am perfectly okay with that.

One thing i can say about the members of Metallica (now that i have actually met them all) is that they are sincerely interested in people beyond the surface of their music. While not perfect people, there is a collective humility that belies their celebrity.

Yes, i did end up meeting Mr. Hetfield, but it was a total surprise from my friend Lance. Just as Lars Ulrich is my greatest musical inspiration, James is perhaps Lance’s greatest inspiration.

i owe Lance a whole bunch for this.

As i met up with Lance at Left Bank Books (a bookstore that includes a cat in its logo so i automatically love them), the queue began to get longer and longer. As the queue became longer, it began to look very much like (again) a family reunion. There were people whose faces were familiar to me, as i have seen their photos and writings on forums, but have never met in person. There were people i have met several times, in real life. There were people i regularly speak to, and see every time there’s a Metallica gathering. It was overwhelming to me; however, as a person who longs for some kind of human interaction at this stage in my life i took it all in.

i saw and met Jen, Pedrum, Anthony, Dave, Christian, Clara, Paul, Julian (of course!), Drinnen and so many others.

(Photo no. 8 courtesy of Jen, and photos 9 & 10 courtesy of Lance)

As we were all waiting to enter the bookstore we were forewarned several times by a staff member- Don’t ask him questions and don’t touch him; he is excited to see all of you, but don’t do anything foolish.

Never imagining i’d ever meet one of the most elusive people ever; i still created narratives about what i’d say to him, despite the reality of that day never coming. i imagined myself admiring his full sleeve and hand coverage, commiserating on the joys of getting tattoos, despite how much less fun (and more painful) it is at an older age. i’d tell him how he (through his music) had a direct hand in saving my life, in my journeys of being an amputee and living with depression, and how his band helped me make sense of death- of relationships, and of a leg. i’d wish him plenty of hugs and well wishes for his continued healing journey.

But alas, it was a Dog Day Afternoon moment- There were plenty of things i could have said in the few seconds i had. What did i say?

“St. Anger is one of the greatest albums of all time.”

Of course what i had to say was not as meaningful as Lance, who spoke of losing his brother, of his own journey with sobriety, and how James inspired him. Rightly so, this moved James immensely. i’m sure what i had to say wasn’t as inspiring as the many others who waited to meet him.

What i had to say seems trivial in comparison, but you know what? St. Anger does mean a lot to me, and i got to tell the man who had a hand in creating one of the greatest works of art of all time; one of (to me) the top ten greatest albums of all time, this very thing. Did he think my comment was silly- especially in comparison to the more other substantial ones? i’m sure he did. What he did say in response though is something i’ve already been doing– After he laughed he said, in that ‘Papa Het’-style delivery, to “spread the word.”

i got to tell both my greatest musical inspiration and one of my favorite lyric writers of all time that St. Anger is one of the greatest ever albums of all time. It’s not an opportunity i will ever have again. People say that it is an album you listen to during your worst moments, but it is an album that gives me great joy- not only in my own listening experience; i also see the album in an even more positive light, knowing that the creation of this album (and the experiences contributing to it) led to the creation of an album like 72 Seasons; which, while St. Anger is one of the greatest albums of all time, it is, to me, their greatest work. It may not mean much in the grander scheme of life, but a wish has definitely been fulfilled.

My favorite moment though, was seeing the utter joy Lance had in meeting someone who greatly inspires him.

Unfortunately i don’t have the name of the person who filmed the video- if you see this, please let me know who you are

After the book signing, Lance and i went to eat at Bombay Food Junkies, a vegan restaurant emphasizing Indian-based street foods, started by Krupa and Sid Panchal. We actually were greeted by Krupa when we got there, but i was not aware of that until much later. If i were a restaurant connoisseur, i would honestly travel to St. Louis just to eat here again; this place is that good. It also lacked the pretentiousness many vegan-themed restaurants have. It actually reminded me of some of the old school smaller vegan/vegetarian sports i used to go to in NYC in the 90s, when being vegan was not yet popular. Similar to the NYC spots, there were also Muslims and Rastas eating at Bombay Food Junkies.

Seeing their mission statement was a bit bittersweet, as the ahimsa tattoo i had on my leg for many years- 25 years perhaps (in observance of being vegan)- is quite faint, due to taking the skin from that part of my leg for a skin graft.

We also met Daniel, one of the kindest people working at a restaurant i’ve ever encountered. He gave attention to everyone, ensuring one of the most positive experiences i’ve ever had in a place that was not my own kitchen.

For my 30th vegan anniversary next year, i may consider going back.

We then moved to Shrewsbury Lanes, where local radio station KSHE and folks on the Metallica crew co-sponsored a bowling party. This was another bittersweet moment because not only have i not bowled since the second grade; but without my prosthetic i wouldn’t even be able to go in a lane to bowl if i wanted to, thereby bringing back that good ‘ol social model of disability. We got there about 15 or 20 minutes before the game was over, but i did get to see Pedrum, Paul and Clara again.

Not yet finished with an already busy day, i headed to the Metal Up Your Podcast (MUYP) get-together, where Pedrum was kind enough to drive me (as it was close to the venue Bastardane were performing at. i saw them in NYC a few months back, so seeing them on top of an already busy and overwhelming (albeit good) day would have been a bit much for me).

i have met Clint before- for only a few seconds- when he was on tour with Morgan Wade. i have also been on a couple of episodes of MUYP, but we’ve never hung out in person before. i’ve met Amanda before as well, but only virtually, as she was one of the folks interviewed in the documentary i did on St. Anger. In what felt like a(nother) family reunion of sorts, i got to hang out with Clint, Amanda, Lee, Dylan, Brad, Joey and a few others, to the soundtrack of Metallica and Bad Religion, two of my favorite bands. i’m far from the coolest kid in the bunch, but i definitely felt welcomed.

A few of us continued into the new day from the night before, right before night two of the St. Louis stop on the M72 tour, by going to Vintage Vinyl. Record shops used to be like a second residence to me; i spent hours on end in them over the years. Given i don’t go out in public with as much frequency these days, any opportunity to find records in the wild- the stranger the better- always makes me happy. Finding a Keiji Haino, Naked City, Boredoms, Melt Banana, Albert Ayler or Sonny Sharrock vinyl would be a win for me- if you know any of these artists, you know (partly) why i love St. Anger and Lulu, from a musical perspective at least.

Outside of Vintage Vinyl i met a person who is a deep part of the fabric of St. Louis; a very kind man with a set of saxophones named Raven Wolf Jennings. Jazz is my favorite music in the whole entire world, so anyone playing it will always grab my attention. His mission is in playing ‘Spiritual Jazz …in the St. Louis Tradition’. As much as i am a fan of noise, i am also a fan of the sparse, peaceful and meditative. We were en route to go to see Metallica; if there was a bit more time i would have loved to have sat and had a conversation with him.

This actually looks like it could be a record cover. i like it.

There were a few times i saw my closer relations within the ‘Metallica Family’ among the crowd; just as with the first night, a couple of them came up to visit and say hello. For the most part the second night of the concert left me alone once again though, amid a sea of stiff bodies as i danced, thrashed and screamed my way through the set… therein lying the conundrum of being a disabled person in a venue. Do people in wheelchairs end up in GA? Absolutely! Is it a risk they take when going? Also absolutely. i don’t even blame them. It’s a different kind of feeling being among people who are just as excited to see a show as you are.

There is something about a Metallica concert. Though this was my 12th time seeing them live; though this is the third place on the map i’ve seen on this specific tour and though i have seen these songs before, even knowing much of the banter and fills; the experience is always beyond the music and is weaved into my own life and healing journey. When the lights suddenly go down and you hear the opening riff to AC/DC’s ‘It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock ‘n’ Roll)’; when you hear the roar of Lars’ floor toms, and James’ counting of “One! Two! One Two Two Two!” before the snare roll kicks in to what ultimately has become the spiritual anthem of the band- ‘Whiplash’- it is an opening call for everyone in that venue to be in communion with one another, or get left behind. It is an anthem that dictates for the experience to be beyond the music. It is amazing that this little boastful and seemingly ‘immature’ song they recorded at the ages of 18 and 19 is just as powerful, 40 years later.

i cannot say for sure, but i think James began singing “you’re Metallica” as opposed to “we’re,” starting in 1985. The first time i recall seeing it was at the Metal Hammer show- one of my top three shows of theirs of all time. i’m not sure why he began singing it in that way; my guess is that it was still a means of connection with the folks who stuck with them from the days of the small clubs of L.A. and San Francisco, before they began playing bigger festivals and international tours. Whatever the original intent was, my personal interpretation of it at this point is one of survival. Through the number of controversies, contradictions and catastrophes, this band has survived. And they are all the better for it. Yes, Metallica is a band. They are an organization. You can even argue that they are a brand. But people continue to see them, because it is an experience that will far outlast their physical form.

Though most of us will never know the band on a personal level; though they are a bit older (and a lot more financially secure) than most of us, there is a gift they have that expands beyond our understanding of the material. Good music relays the message of the masses’ material realities and conditions, but it also has the ability of being a healing force of the universe. There is a point where we must let go of all the imperfections made on stage, and just allow ourselves to grant ourselves permission to experience gratitude for the gift of music.

On my final day in St. Louis (at least for now), i spent a bit of time with Carly (who was visiting family, but did not get to go to the shows) before returning to the airport. This was also the first time we’ve met in person, after much texting and talking on the phone. It was a nice surprise, since i found out the day before that she was in town. i recommended we go to Bombay Food Junkies (since i wanted to go there one more time before i left town); i’m glad Carly enjoyed it!

On the plane, i did get a good nap in, waking up (as usual) right before the ‘approaching destination’ announcement was made. Most people were unrecognizable from the first flight except for seeing Julian again, which was a nice surprise.

i am incredibly grateful to be able to leave the house (as difficult as it is much of the time), and to share weekends like this with folks, whenever i can. It means a lot to me. Thinking about these times keeps me afloat in the midst of loneliness. For anyone who i spent any amount of time with and your name is not here, i apologize. Just know you mean a lot as well.

Thank you.

Posted in concerts, disability, life, music, vinyl records | Tagged art, books, M72, Metallica, music, St. Louis | 1 Comment

The Sentimentality of ’20 Years Of Anger’

Posted on September 9, 2023 by jamilah

Anyone who’s read any of my writings up to this point most likely know how i feel about the Metallica album St. Anger– in the case you are not aware, here is a film i did.

In short, St. Anger is one of my top ten favorite albums of all time, up there with What’s Going On and A Love Supreme. If you do not know me, if you have not heard the album, or if you are wondering why such an album would be ‘preferred’ over more publicly favorable albums such as Master Of Puppets or …And Justice For All; the sea of superlatives as published by Guitar World magazine is a fairly good example as to why:

“Many tracks are marred by glitches left unretouched– the crackle of a faulty guitar jack, a misplaced three-second guitar swell, snippets of ambient noise– that give the album a nearly avant-garde feel. This is still unmistakably heavy metal, but Metallica have stripped it of its familiar vocabulary and created something daring, unnerving and imaginably exciting.”

The article in which these words are derived (in which the title references ‘Fixxxer’, the song oft-beloved by the most hardcore of fans) is featured in an exhibition/retrospective on Metallica’s Black Box site: 20 Years Of Anger. i, like the many fans, appreciators and admirers of the album, was wondering if there would be some sort of commemoration. i went to the Download Festival in the U.K. with the specific hope that the album would be acknowledged (as Metallica headlined on two nights- one of those nights being June 10, the originally planned release date of the album. The album ended up being released on the 5th). They did not do any songs from the album; however, they did make a lighthearted joke. i was pretty far from the stage, but i yelled as loud as i could (“YES! MORE TORTURE! YES! ST. ANGER!”) and everyone around me started laughing. If it was at me or with me, i will never know.

When i heard the announcement of the exhibition two days prior i automatically knew i was going to love it before i even saw it. i made a plan to take a bit of time out of the day to listen to the album (on the original Elektra vinyl pressing of course, since we are commemorating the album’s anniversary- i have six vinyl variants of the album, including the Blackened repress and the Warner Brothers 45 rpm box… and i listen to them all).

Many who appreciate the album say that it’s something to listen to on your worst days. St. Anger, for me, is an album that actually makes me incredibly happy, and uplifts me. St. Anger (and Metallica by extension) works in the same way for me as Earth, Wind & Fire or Pharoah Sanders do. It is an incredibly healing album, and it gives me great joy to listen to.

The exhibition on its own is a fairly satisfactory observation of an era where a band was in a very insecure place. Understanding the fuller context of that era (via Some Kind Of Monster (SKOM for short), the documentary covering this era and the making of the album; issues of So What, the band’s fanzine, as well as the Jump In The Studio videos, which you can find on youtube), the exhibition is actually pretty bittersweet in some areas, and heartbreaking in others.

There are currently 40 components to the exhibition. they comprise of images and audio (some previously seen/heard and a lot unseen/unheard) and a lot of b-roll and behind the scenes footage. As a writer, i was incredibly moved by some of the working lyrics (even if the ones that were used in the end on the album were much more compelling). Anyone starting a process of writing a project understands that there’s going to be a lack of cohesion. In the midst of pain and unsurety, that lack of cohesion is heightened. The ‘Unnamed Feeling Song’ lends to a pretty common theme in its working lyrics: “Can’t outrun it/No matter how fast you run/But it’s all you know to do”.

Even as i (and many of us) have seen the finished results of many of the things posted in the exhibition, i did tear up at, for example the draft of James Hetfield’s writing, concerning the January 2001 departure of bassist Jason Newsted. i opened this page as All Within My Hands, a song which was inspired by Newsted’s departure, began to play. The post resonated with me, again, as a writer. You struggle to find the right words, especially when addressing a relationship or situation that did not necessarily end amicably at the time. How do you sincerely honor someone’s contributions, in the midst of struggle? “Playing with someone who has such unbridled passion for music will forever be a huge inspiration. On stage every night he was a driving force to us all, fans and band alike. His connection will never be broken.”

As a person who first saw Metallica live during the ‘Jason era’, every word said makes absolute sense to me. Jason is the bird who could never be caged, and his leaving was a way for the band to reevaluate itself not only as a unit, but as individuals. Like with any relationship, it is important to be able to have an identity outside of it. This sentiment is rounded out in the b-roll footage (from SKOM) of Newsted: “I came into Metallica and gave ’em a big kick in the ass, to keep on going; I left Metallica, and gave ’em a big kick in the ass to keep on going, because things were getting real lackadaisical. They are the kings, they can continue to be the kings.” On the band being at the forefront of heavy music, Newsted continues, “They can be the ones that are looked to to set the standard, still, like they have been for so long. It is possible. And this thing that took place in the grand plan; whoever has the grand plan, it’s for a reason… That’s the thing that made Metallica run all these years, is challenges. People telling them that they couldn’t do something.” i agree that Newsted made the correct decision- especially in light of being told no, a direct discrepancy in relation to what Newsted named specifically about why his former band was so successful. His response was incredibly mature, given that the wounds of the relationship were still fresh.

It could be seen that Jason Newsted also predicted the future, 22 years after the recording of that footage. Metallica, with Robert Trujillo as their bassist for 20 years (longer than all former bassists combined) continue to be the most influential and well known (and successful, if you pay attention to those things) metal band in the world.

In the context of a song like ‘All Within My Hands’, a film like Some Kind Of Monster and writings such as Hetfield’s (and others which ended up in So What), from the outside looking in it’s as if the primary message was, ‘We really took this person for granted.’

If i’m tearing up looking at this site; if an exhibition of this sort were in person as opposed to digital, i have no doubts that i would break down in tears.

Before i moved back to one side of the country from another i threw tons of things away- years and years of photographs, old fanzines i’d made, papers, etc. i did so because i knew that once i started to sift through one thing it would take forever to sift through everything else, and i’d end up not parting with anything. i also don’t have an HQ available to store decades of memories either. As a person who actually has no problem parting with material things, looking at the exhibits in the Black Box site (as well as the pop-up museum they have on tour- or any exhibit, frankly) is always intriguing. Metallica has 42 years of experience of cassette tapes, flyers, fanzines, t shirts, instruments (broken or not), gifts and correspondence from fans, messages, photographs, video and so much more. Holding a copy of What’s Going On in my hands (which was released 30 years before Jason Newsted’s departure from Metallica) conjures up stories of who first purchased and held the copy i now have, 52 years ago. Who will be holding the OG copy i have of St. Anger, 32 years from now? Will it be me, at the age of 79? Who holds all of the copies of the much coveted yellow cover variant of St. Anger? (Perhaps information on the the discontinued yellow variant will soon be added to the exhibition as well.) Will HQ transform into an actual physical museum/center of pilgrimage for fans, once the band ceases to exist?

Until all of these questions can and will be answered, all of these memories and mementos will be lovingly compiled on the Black Box site- a place where it’s impossible to be angry at such beauty.

Posted in art, documentary, life, music | Tagged art, life, Metallica, music, St. Anger | 2 Comments

i met the band who saved my life.

Posted on August 11, 2023 by jamilah

(Note: This piece makes mention of suicide and mental health struggles)

i struggled around whether or not i was going to write (or do a podcast) about this. i struggled because i don’t want the experience misconstrued as one simply about meeting someone famous.

There are people who i feel are far more deserving of what i am about to write. i am a pretty insignificant person in the plan of life. i am not promoting a hierarchy of human importance; my insignificance represents that lack of hierarchy. No one on this earth is more important than another- we are all interconnected in some way. That said, i understand that like with many things, i am contradicting myself with this writing.

We are somehow conditioned with this idea that meeting someone with a significant or inordinate amount of fame or celebrity is something that will or should be transactional. We demand pictures, or an autograph. Even when off the clock, we demand their time. We don’t acknowledge that the people we are conditioned to see as better and separate from ourselves also have jobs. We don’t acknowledge that these are people who may desire real human connection- which is one of the main reasons some of them do what they do.

Being from NYC, i was never really star struck- you’d see people with varying levels of fame walking out of banks, going into supermarkets, eating at cafes, attending the same concerts and record shops as you… sometimes even taking the same train. One of my greatest life memories is the conversation i had with Ornette Coleman (whom i had met a week earlier) about life and art on the 6 train, as i rode to 68th street and he, 125th. i promised him i would make him a painting but i never saw him again, as i ended up moving to the west coast (where i was still living when i heard of his physical passing). i will forever cherish that moment i had with him.

One of the reasons i never truly had a desire to meet celebrities is because of how impersonal it can be. There will rarely, if ever, be an ‘Ornette’ moment. i only have awareness of these towering figures (if you will), based on how they choose to publicly present themselves. There is a veil of mystery, so as to maintain some semblance of sacredness. As a young punk kid who made a fanzine (and did radio for 11 years) i used to contact and connect with artists/people in bands, from the highly esteemed to the kids playing at a basement at a house show. i’d even do a show or few with folks of notoriety, being in bands myself. You would have great conversations, and occasionally build some positive relationships, sometimes lasting for years. Despite the eventual ubiquitousness of the internet and/or cell phones (and/or mass social media), it was actually easier to get in contact with artists directly back then. Now (despite how much smaller the world is due to technological advances), you have to go through several managers/handlers, thereby making things more impersonal, and granting more opportunities for rejection.

Because of this, it was never a reality for me that i’d engage with some of my greatest artistic inspirations. When i did have the opportunity to have some relative closeness i’d knit a gift or handwrite a letter to show my appreciation. If the planned recipient immediately retreats backstage, occasionally i’d give those gifts to other band members to give to them. Of course i’d have no knowledge if they’d pass on the gifts. Regardless of what happened, the objective was to share a gift with someone who i felt has shared their gifts with me, and the world. i didn’t need anything in return.

So that leads us into this most recent series of events.

i still struggle with how i want to write about it, partly because superlatives seem so superficial. i am still processing it all. The overarching reason though, is the extreme level of discomfort i feel in anything here being interpreted as, again, this ‘cool meeting with celebrities.’ i’m not one of the cool kids, and i will never be. On the outside it may not seem so to those who have met me; but ultimately i’m just a shy (sometimes painfully) punk kid who happened to meet a few people who create art that has saved my life.

i am writing about this, because i have written about these folks on many occasions on this blog, as well as other places. Though i have created scenarios in my head in terms of everything i would say if i actually were to meet them, i already knew said meeting was never going to occur. Because why would it? i mean, who am i?

‘Who am i?’ is the question i had been asking of myself in the couple of weeks prior to what ended up being a complete life surprise. i was feeling fairly isolated, not knowing where i stood with the people in my life, or what even my purpose for being on this earth was. What started out as a depressive episode (which i am fairly good at monitoring) turned into incessant intrusive thoughts based on ideation. This then turned into deep contemplation about ending my life, coming to the point where i was figuring out how i was going to go through with it. The two songs i was listening to in the midst of all this were ‘Just A Bullet Away’ and ‘Screaming Suicide’. Those two songs prompted me to call the suicide and trauma hotline. (i wrote about that experience here and here).

Metallica… well, their music, saved my life. It would not be the first time, and my guess is that it will not be the last.

Throughout the time i was experiencing the episode and ideation (up unto the day of the show), i expressed that i needed encouragement to go to see the band, who were performing at MetLife Stadium on the 4th and 6th of August. My excitement remained at a minimum, despite people continually stating positive reasons why i should go.

i finally made the decision to (reluctantly) go, but (of course) i was procrastinating. As i was moving towards the already exhausting task of leaving the house i decided to open up to several folks in the community, and send the blog posts i had been writing on my most recent episode. As i’m about to close out i see that someone’s sent me a direct message.

This is the moment that undoubtedly changed the course of my weekend, and life.

Kristen (a person whose existence i was unaware of prior to this) sent me a message, inviting me to accompany her to a meet & greet. Like many of us who love Metallica, she expressed that she didn’t have anyone in her community who shared a similar love. The Metallica community has developed a particular culture in a way, and at this point they could be considered a band you travel to go see (similar to the Grateful Dead perhaps); like the Dead, going to see a Metallica show is not just about seeing the band. Many relationships have been built off of the connections made, and i’m sure this is the sentiment Kristen was coming from, when she wrote the message.

My jaw fell as she wrote about how she wanted to help me fulfill my dream of meeting Lars Ulrich- a man who has become my greatest musical inspiration, and one of my five favorite drummers of all time. Nothing about this message felt real. Lars Ulrich was never a man i was going to meet- again, who am i? i felt i was correct, since her message was sent about two or three days prior to me reading it.

Even though i was sure someone else had been offered the guest spot at that point i decided to call Kristen to thank her for thinking of me, in her act of kindness. She responded that the spot had been filled, but that person cancelled. Their name is still on the list, but we could see if it would be okay for me to go, once i got there. If i wanted to still go she informed me of the time and place to meet her. As she said all of these things to me, my brain did not register any of it as real.

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After the usual struggles of traveling alone in a manual wheelchair to a ginormous concert venue, we finally meet. i don’t particularly have a trust of people i don’t know and have never met; but Kristen was so warm, welcoming and comforting, in ways that didn’t seem menacing. She also developed trust in me enough to invite me to be her guest, without knowing me.

As covid-19 still rages on (three and some change years later), Met Club Jeff (a very nice man… and a person i’d always see on screen and in writing but never thought i’d meet in person) handed us some covid tests, which gave me a lot of relief. i would actually consider this to be the most crucial portion of the meet & greet process. As we were awaiting the results, we engaged in some small talk with Jeff. His role is just as important in this puzzle, as not only is he the liaison between ourselves and the band, but he also has a hand in assuaging any anxiety people have when meeting a band considered hero to many. It’s not an easy role.

A few minutes after our negative test results we went through a couple of security checks, and were quickly sent in, in a moment that somehow reminded me of the scene in Through The Never, where Trip (the ‘main character’) is backstage.

As we waited in a spot behind some curtains, Kristen and i began talking about life as well as the upcoming concert. The world didn’t stop, but all of our conversation ceased as we saw Lars Ulrich within two feet of us. i have again, met, interviewed, had conversation with and even built positive relationships with people of varying levels of fame. i’ve been literal inches away from Metallica when i saw them in the snake pit last year (which was worth every moment, even if my legs were in absolute pain as i stood for 98% of their set); i saw them extremely up close, and even touched James Hetfield’s Flying V. Any anxiety i developed around this man being two feet from me had nothing to do with him being famous. It had everything to do with him being my greatest musical inspiration.

Lars Ulrich turns around and looks straight at us. He places his hand out for us to shake. i look like, as they say, a deer caught in headlights. i shake his hand with both of my hands, and tell him he is my greatest musical inspiration- a sentence i never thought i’d ever say to him directly. He thanks me. He asks us where on the map we’re located, and how many times we’ve seen the band- the show that day would have been my 9th, and Kristen’s first. This is DEFINITELY an introduction to a first show if i’ve ever seen one! Lars welcomes Kristen into the ‘Metallica family,’ and makes a comment about it being my 9th show- something he repeats later in the interaction.

i tell him all of the things i’d mapped out in my mind to tell him in our imaginary meeting- how i became an amputee, how ‘One’ was the single constant song in my life both before and after the accident, how St. Anger is one of the greatest works of art of all time…

Despite this being true over time i actually never expected to discuss with him how his band had a hand in saving my life. This band has contributed to being a soundtrack of helping me make sense of death- not just the physical kind, but the impermanence of relationships as well. i was not expecting to meet members of my second favorite band (a band whom one of its members is my greatest musical inspiration) in the midst of a massive depressive episode, where i was experiencing ideation… So i do tell him my experience of this recent episode, and of the two songs which prompted me to call the hotline. i do tell him how his band saved my life.

i know for certain there are hundreds, if not thousands of people who have told this man that his band saved their lives. i’m not exceptional. i am sure it is an emotional weight to carry, when thousands of people approach you with these types of stories. Is there anyone he can turn to, when feeling the pull of that weight? i don’t expect him, or anyone else to particularly remember me.

i am tearing up as i tell him these things, and on the verge of crying. i tell him this and he responds, “Me too.”

Everything i’d said at that point, he could as well (understandably) have found me to be a ‘weird, obsessed fan’… but then things take an interesting turn. Kristen announces to Lars that i am “the biggest St. Anger fan in the world.” While i am immensely reluctant to accept that title (as i think there is someone (or someones) out there who is an even bigger fan than me of that album), i do profess my love for it to Lars. i recall his response to be both amusement and shock. i tell him i consider it to be one of the top 10 greatest albums of all time (which is true), and he gives me dap (aka ‘a fist bump’). He talks about how the album has been an integral part of the Metallica story. More amusement and shock happens when it’s mentioned that i made a six hour documentary on the album.

(i will note that beneath all the focus on Lars’ snare being turned off, St. Anger involves some of what i consider to be among his greatest, most experimental/adventurous drumming. Despite my gushing over the album, i am kind of devastated i never got to tell him this specifically. Lars has a particular/unmistakable style which is often imitated, but never duplicated. His contribution to the band’s catalog as a drummer and arranger is absolutely deserving of much more respect than he receives.)

One of the things i can say about Lars is that he is sincerely interested in what every person he communicates with has to say. There’s a limited amount of time he is able to spend with you, but he is invested in every moment, as he looks directly at you when he engages with you. He asks questions and wants to know what makes people who (and what) they are. It is clear he is grateful and appreciative of the fact that he is still able to do what he loves, and that there are many who still want to see and hear what he does. What i saw from Lars (and everyone else i met) was a great sense of humility, and of grace.

There were more than a few things said, but so much of it is a blur. Again, i still have yet to process everything that’s occurred. Kristen and Lars talked about birthdays, and he signed her CD cover of the 72 Seasons album. i didn’t have anything to get signed, but none of that mattered to me.

After we take pictures i ask Lars if it was okay if i could give him a hug. He responds in the affirmative. Hugs are very important to me, but consent is even more important, and i don’t want to hug someone if they’re not okay with it. i remember Lars’ hug being very comforting, in a time where i was at one of my lowest points, if not lowest.

Kristen mentioned a few times after the meet & greet how the hug between myself and Lars would be one to keep her “uplifted in the dark times.” She also mentioned that it was “powerful.” Given that i was the one receiving the hug i was interested in what it looked like from the outside. She said, “It looked like you were getting a hug from a friend and not a ‘Let’s appease the fan’ hug. Like, he was really hugging you like he needed it too.”

Soon after Lars leaves (perhaps to do more interviews, or to run on the teadmill), Kirk Hammett and Robert Trujillo walk in. My eyes could not believe this. It all felt like a dream.

As a person who primarily plays drums, Lars is my greatest musical inspiration. i play guitar as well (but not that well). As a painfully shy 14 year old kid, Kirk Hammett was someone i greatly looked up to. He was playful and shy (and not intimidating), and gave me a sort of comfort. i resonated most with him, when i saw the band on the screen, and live on stage (where i first saw them at the age of 15). Looking up (in a wheelchair at the age of 46) at one of the people who shaped my musical life was never something i ever expected to do in my lifetime. i adore his oddly timed jokes, the heart he wears on his sleeve, his singing (i sincerely love when he and Robert do this), his passion for the things he loves, the love he has for his mother, and the passion in his playing.

As a person who also plays bass (though again, not well… but do i really play anything that well?) as a punk and hardcore kid (who also grew up with and loves funk), meeting Robert Trujillo has been an absolute dream of mine. i initially knew him from Suicidal Tendencies and Infectious Grooves, so when i heard he started playing for Metallica, i was incredibly happy for him. He came to the band at an extremely volatile/insecure time (a time which produced one of the greatest works of art of all time), and contributed to their enduring strength and balance.

We did not get to spend as much time with Robert or Kirk, so it was mostly small talk. We did talk about myself, Kirk and Robert all being Scorpios. There was a happiness that they got to have a month off to regenerate and rest. When Kirk mentioned his knee (which he had injured on one of the final shows before the break) i responded that i was worried, and he said he was okay. It was a very fun, casual conversation. Just as i did with Lars, i asked both Kirk and Rob if hugs were okay, of which they also responded in the affirmative. The members of Metallica give very warm hugs, and i feel humbled to receive them.

One of the things i will take with me from this meet & greet (out of countless things) was the beauty of the relationship between Rob and Kirk. Though i only spent a brief amount of time with them, their camaraderie resonated throughout the room. It was incredibly moving. i wish that level of friendship for everyone.

The people i met are exactly that- people. i didn’t want anything to just be about myself and my feelings. Simultaneously i wanted to respect their privacy. That said, i wanted to send them and their families well wishes; i wanted to talk with Kirk about horror films (as he is a fan, just like i am). i wanted to speak with Rob about bass (beyond the band); i wanted to speak with Lars about cinema and cats (who are my favorite people in the world). Everything went by so fast- though there were definitely things i wanted to say that i actually did say, it would be inevitable that i didn’t get to say everything i wanted to say.

Regardless of what i may or may not have missed, i am undoubtedly grateful and humbled by this experience: not only to the members of Metallica for sharing their time with us, but to Kristen for thinking of me, when she could have invited anyone else to share that experience with her.

i haven’t even gotten to the shows yet.

This weekend was not the first time i’ve encountered a profoundly spiritual experience when it came to a Metallica show. They have a way of entering my life when i am at my lowest point. The first time i was aware of this connection was at their 40th anniversary shows. Being there was extremely cathartic for me, and i began to cry; i cried after the MetLife experience as well. After that point, i noticed that this connection occurred more often than i realized. The four men who make up Metallica are not gods; they are not to be worshiped, or deemed immortal. We should never frame them higher than ourselves, as they are imperfect beings, just like the rest of us. What they are though, is a vessel through which they create a connection to the portal of self-reflection. i truly do believe the universe has brought them to us, as a means of assisting us in finding that portal.

These shows at MetLife (short for Metallica Life throughout the weekend) were the first time i ever understood what the term ‘Metallica family’ actually meant. Of course like with any family (whether blood, ideological or cultural) you are going to have positive and negative elements. That said, while there are people i’ve built positive connections with in the Metallica community, and while there are individuals i’ve gotten along with at shows; i’ve never felt connectivity and community during a show, in the ways i did this weekend. Usually at a show i’m the only one screaming (and losing my voice), dancing and headbanging. On this occasion i was not alone in any of this, as most folks in the section i was in ended up doing the same thing! While one of the tour packages that are available is called ‘The Lux Æterna Experience’; what i actually was experiencing were true to life ‘Lux Æterna’ moments:

A sea of hearts beat as one, unified
Magnification
All generations

Kindred alliance connected inside
Commiseration
Sonic salvation
Cast out the demons that strangle your life

Never alone for the feelings alike
Amplification
Lightning the nation
Never alive more Than right here tonight

It was an experience where again, superlatives wouldn’t even be accurate. i think James Hetfield is accurate when he says they “were born to do this.”

This may sound strange (due to any associations with the word), but the best descriptor of a Metallica show for me, is an exorcism. There are particular demons which do strangle many of us, including myself- those deep depressive episodes where sometimes it feels like it’s difficult to even breathe or come up for air. Ideation suffocates you. This may sound even stranger to people (who have never read my writings on the band before); but while the band is not God (nor are they perfect), they appear to be channeling a particular energy that is of a positive universal force. They seemed to have worked consciously on themselves as both individuals and as a unit, to the point where they have truly become a conduit for music to be, as Albert Ayer’s expression of love succinctly explains, a healing force of the universe.

Music causes all bad vibrations to fade away
It makes one want to love, instead of hate

A sea of hearts beat as one, unified

Kindred alliance connected inside
Commiseration
Sonic salvation
Cast out the demons that strangle your life

Reaching milestones in terms of Metallica shows can be a very interesting thing. The second show of the pair at MetLife is where i finally ended up reaching the double digits. Whether one has seen them only one time or 200 should never be a contest; the more shows you go to however, more faces become familiar, and the more relationships you build- which again, is really what this experience is about. The more shows you go to, the friendships you make are just as important as seeing them surprisingly pull out ‘Judas Kiss’ into the set (We can only hope…).

Even though i am massively shy (as well as an introvert), i also desire connection. i spend most days alone, and in my own head. Getting out to shows and interacting with others for those few hours gives me the charge i need.

In a sea of 80,000 people per night (a simultaneously daunting yet amazing number to look at) i met the wonderful trio of Manu and Preston, a sister/brother duo who have seen the band about 17 times (if i am not mistaken), and Eric, who has seen them 40 (!!!) times. We discovered that we were all at the Chase Center in December of 2021 (for the 40th), similarly overcome with joy as we were present for the live world premiere of ‘Fixxxer’– about as excited as we were to see the premieres of ‘Shadows Follow’ and ‘Too Far Gone’ at MetLife.

I’m never too far gone to save
I can make it through the day

The premiere of ‘Too Far Gone’ came right on time certainly, given i almost didn’t make it.

Kindred alliance connected inside

All of us took turns guessing the songs as the tape intros played (some of them were easier than others); and despite being a guitarist, Preston (who is a fellow St. Anger tattoo wearer) was pretty accurate with his drum fills.

There were so many people i’ve met on my journey during the weekend: some who helped get me to where i needed to go, some whose names (or photos) i didn’t get; and others (like Muhammad and Paul) who i’ve met through the community but have never met in person before.

On top of the people and surprises already named so far, one of the greatest was when Namarta, Christian and Dave (who i had been trying to meet up with all weekend but to no avail) suddenly appeared in front of me during Ice Nine Kills’ set (Ice Nine Kills’ set was during the second of the two shows; Mammoth WVH, Five Finger Death Punch and Pantera also performed on the main stage (named ‘Ethel’), while Prong and Overkill performed on an outside stage. It was definitely a weekend set up for metal fans).

i looked in front of me, and it was as if they were floating as they approached me. i became speechless. They made a very quick appearance (as security would not let them stay longer) and we all shared hugs. i had already felt so grateful for the gifts i had been given at this point, but when i saw them the cup of my heart began to flow over. They were all highly aware of my mental health struggles prior to the show, so seeing them (even for that brief amount of time) meant so much.

One of the descriptors i had after first hearing the song ‘Lux Æterna’ was that it feels like a giant hug. The weekend enveloped and embraced me with a love and care i hadn’t felt in a long time.

When James Hetfield sang the chorus, i lifted my hands (as if in prayer, similar to what i did during ‘Bleeding Me’ at the 40th) and screamed as loud as i could along with him, losing my voice for that moment (and much of the weekend).

The kindred alliances sustained themselves throughout the weekend as i ended up running into and meeting up with Anthony and his sons (who i met a couple of months ago in the U.K. at the Download Festival, where he interviewed me. Metallica also performed a similar ‘two night/no repeat’ set-up there). i met Anthony (and Rob, who introduced me to Anthony) in the midst of struggles i was having as a disabled person at Download. i am reeeeeeaaaaaaly not sure how this band have an awareness of when i’m at my lowest points, but they always seem to. Anthony, just like everyone else here, has become an integral part of my life’s story.

We saw each other immediately after the first show (where he met jesse, who (sadly) i didn’t sit with this weekend); we surprisingly ran into each other on the second day, where i was rolling around outside the stadium by myself, after losing Manu and Preston. As Anthony and his son were so kind to assist me in the wheelchair, i couldn’t help but think about the gift of music being passed on from generation to generation. i couldn’t help but think about the connection a parent has with their child when they experience a concert together.

All of my internal dialog (and external questions i had asked Anthony, thereby ‘interviewing the interviewer’) led to even more surprises, as we entered the pop-up museum Metallica display on their tours. For this specific M72 tour, it is alternately called the ‘Black Box Lounge’.

Even though having things is nice; i am a person who has practiced non-attachment and am not particularly afraid of letting go of things. Before i left the west coast (back to the east (where i grew up)) a few years ago i let go of hundreds of documents, photographs, albums and more from since i was a child, to the chagrin of many. i am always fascinated with seeing how much the collective of Metallica has held on to so much since their founding in 1981. It probably helps that they’ve essentially been in a base location almost the whole time. i love the fact that these pop up museums exist; i don’t necessarily see them as a reminiscence of the past, but an exploration of their journey into the people they became, and will continue to be.

The museum is both visual and interactive. There are the more obvious items in cases, such as photos, show flyers and platinum albums. There are sections set up representing different albums, where one can take a photograph. There are also opportunities to interact with various instruments.

To great exaltation, the first thing i saw (of course) was Lars’ Worldwired tour era sparkly purple TAMA Starclassic kit. Drums were my first ever love in terms of instruments. i gravitated towards guitar (since i was not able to get drums), eventually playing in bands- my first ever guitar was a black Peavey stratocaster, with a white pick guard. When i’d go to someone’s house with drums though, i’d run right towards them. Eventually i started playing drums in bands. Ever since i saw saw Lars Ulrich, Dave Lombardo and Billy Cobham (three of my top 10 favorite drummers) with TAMAs, i wanted them. Specifically, i wanted the white Artstar IIs- the Black Album-era drums. While i still dream of someday having them i never ended up getting the Artstars; however i finally, post amputation, can say i happily have some TAMAs of my own. In fact it’s my first ever acoustic set, after using so many others’ sets over the years.

i was overwhelmed in the presence of the drum set of my greatest! musical! inspiration!!! Again, superlatives (or any word, frankly), will never describe the elation i felt. i almost hyperventilated.

Even though i play music (and have a whole website based on this very thing) and have played in bands, i feel incredibly uncomfortable and not confident playing around other people. Sadly, i didn’t play the TAMAs (i didn’t see any sticks there, and even if i did it would have been strange since my right leg is amputated and everything… The setup in my studio is very specific.). That said, despite being a very imperfect and shy public player, i had to shoot my shot when i saw Rob’s bass.

Whatever his setup is- it is AMAZING. The sound coming out was so… buttery. i have played Metallica songs on bass before (not as great as McGovney, Burton, Newsted, Rock, Trujillo… or even Hetfield of course), but in this case i stuck with some Minor Threat, and whatever things i came up with in my head.

After this moment of feeling like a kid in a room of cats and kittens, Anthony takes me to the venue proper to see the bands. In between this and seeing Namarta, Dave and Christian people start sending me messages that there’s a video on the official Metallica channel, of Lars making mention of the St. Anger documentary.

As much as i bared my soul to Lars (and i don’t regret doing so), i didn’t think he’d actually remember anything i said to him. Again, i’m not important in the larger scheme of things. i’m pretty insignificant. i’m not a ‘cool kid’, nor am i exactly well-known in the Metallica community at large. While i did want Lars and the rest of the band to know that there is someone out there who sincerely and absolutely loves and appreciates St. Anger; i did make the documentary with the explicit acknowledgement that they most likely would never see, or have an awareness of the existence of this film.

i saw the video after the show, and i screamed in the car, very loudly. Lars says to Rob in response to a comment in the crowd about the album (and i am paraphrasing): “Do you remember the young lady we met a couple of days ago? She said that her favorite album was St. Anger, and she made a six hour movie, extolling the virtues of the album.” Amid the laughs of either disbelief or ridicule (or perhaps both), Lars says (again paraphrasing), “If you attack St. Anger, we know who you are.”

Lars may never watch the documentary (which was a complete labor of love); but his acknowledgement of its existence is far more than i could have hoped for.

i’m not one who necessarily advocates for going back in time, but if i were to meet my 14/15 year old self i would tell them, ‘Yes, you’ll definitely continue to have mental health struggles over the years just like you are now, but there will be some very magical moments along the way which will inform you that sometimes, there’s some light in the darkness. And you know what? That band that’s one of your favorites in the whole world right now? They are going to be a part of your life in ways you wouldn’t even imagine. Ways you won’t feel deserving of.’

This past weekend i almost didn’t make it, and Metallica saved my life.

It is not only the music that saved my life; the men- the founders and members- who created that music within a (so far) 42-year time span also saved my life.

It is not just the men who make up the collective of the band who did so; it is every single person who stopped to say hello to me, who assisted me in the wheelchair, who i shared laughs with, who i shared hugs with, who i sang with… It’s the people i formed an even greater closeness to than before. It is Kristen, a complete stranger, who gave me a gift i am never even sure how i can repay.

All of these people are also Metallica.

You are all part of my life’s story.

You have all saved my life. i am forever grateful and humbled by this kindred alliance. i am not sure how to express my immense gratitude for what you all have done for me. This writing is but a mere expression of that.

Posted in art, documentary, dreams, life, music | Tagged concert, inspiration, life, Metallica, music, St. Anger | 9 Comments

The Transition of Sinéad O’Connor, Amid ‘Dangerous Days’

Posted on July 31, 2023 by jamilah

(Note: This post discusses abuse, suicide, rape and mental health struggles)

The day after learning of the passing of Shuhada’ Sadaqat (also named Magda Davitt, but best known as Sinéad O’Connor), i had a mental health breakdown of inescapable intrusive thoughts, where i made the difficult decision to (once again) phone the suicide hotline. It is one of the most difficult decisions one can make.

Today, as i prepared to write this, i learned that Shuhada’ Sadaqat made the decision to reach out to others several times over the years, through means of a video on social media:

“I am now living in a Travelodge motel in the arse end of New Jersey… I’m all by myself. And there’s absolutely nobody in my life except my doctor, my psychiatrist – the sweetest man on earth, who says I’m his hero – and that’s about the only [expletive] thing keeping me alive at the moment… and that’s kind of pathetic. I want everyone to know what it’s like, that’s why I’m making this video. Mental illness, it’s like drugs, it doesn’t give a [expletive] who you are, and equally what’s worse, it’s the stigma, it doesn’t give a [expletive] who you are. Suddenly all the people who are supposed to be loving you and taking care of you are treating you like [expletive]. It’s like a witch hunt.”

People who do not experience ideation or intrusive thoughts… or if they’ve never made attempts may suggest that seeing a therapist will be a move towards a solution. A therapist can be a wonderful tool for maintenance; what those who suggest therapy tend to miss is that humans still need connection; humans still need community. A therapist is but one person; nor are they your friend, if they are doing their job correctly. We should never depend on a singular person to contribute to our survival. It’s unhealthy for both that person, and ourselves.

“Strangers like me.. But my family don’t value me at all. They wouldn’t know if I was dead until weeks from now if I wasn’t [expletive] informing them now.”

Those of us who have lived on the margins end up choosing our families, if we survive this cruel world. Sometimes when i am experiencing an extremely low point i compliment strangers to help myself to feel better. i do not expect a compliment in return- it just feels better to see someone else smile, when i cannot. i built friendly relationships with hospital workers, when my own mother did not visit me in the hospital. i still have yet to see her. My first interaction with her since becoming an amputee was being yelled at over the phone while laying in the hospital bed, because she was not among the first to know.

Hopefully sister Shuhada’ has finally found peace with her eternal family.

This is not something i’ve spoken about a lot, but Sinéad O’Connor was one of the handful of women who greatly inspired me: Grace Jones, Skin (from Skunk Anansie), and Leslie Rankine (of Silverfish/Pigface/Ruby) were among this short list of women, who defied notions of gendered expectations, and ‘traditional femininity’; these were women with shaved heads and tattoos, and from my shy vantage point didn’t have any problems asserting themselves. Rankine, in the documentary Not Bad For A Girl states, “A lot of men cannot relate to women at all. The only way they know how to relate to women is through sex and control. And if they can’t control us, then they try and kill us.” She continues by discussing the importance of the the balance between masculine and feminine elements, and that the imbalance occurs “when people aren’t in touch with their other side,” and that “(t)he natural male-female relationship has been so screwed up by social conditioning.”

Though the documentary was released in 1995, Rankine’s words still hold true, especially in light of the very clear rise of ‘manosphere’ culture and right wing anti-queer and gendered violence (merged with way more than a tinge of racism), whether physical or through policy (which you can see here, here, here and here). Her words also hold true because anti-trans legislation is not simply an updated version of the Lavender Scare (in which the ultimate objective is based in anticommunism); it is a means to control women’s existence. This concern in regards to children holds no weight, when much beloved institutions have notoriously supported the grooming and assault of and on children for decades.

You must have known this was coming.

i remember the moment vividly, as i watched it happen live. It was the 3rd of October in 1992. i was about to be 16 years old. It was the moment that was inspiring- not only to me, but to many.

Sinéad O’Connor ripped up a photo of the pope (John Paul II), during a performance on the show Saturday Night Live. In the midst of completing her cover of Bob Marley & The Wailers’ ‘War’ (which was in itself inspired by a Haile Selassie speech); as she sings the word ‘evil‘ with much derision, she presents a picture of said pope, then proceeds to rip it in half. She rounds everything out with a statement to “Fight the real enemy.” She then takes out the in-ear monitors, blows out the candles next to her, then walks off. You could hear a feather drop in that studio. This was a mission. This was a prayer. This was standing in solidarity with anyone who had been abused as a child, and children who were currently being abused.

She publicly stood alone. She was demonized.

People currently use the word ‘cancelled’ in a cavalier way, as they appear on television, and/or get paid millions of dollars on a tour to lament about ‘wokeness’ and ‘not being able to speak freely.’ In a moment that is now being seen as brave, Sinéad O’Connor (and those like her) had her life altered by being banned, because she made the decision to address institutional child abuse. She was satirized and attacked (by people like Madonna and Joe Pesci).

Immediately after the performance, she was interviewed by a host on what i think was a public access show, covering the reggae scene. i cannot be certain, but even as she did cover the Wailers at the time, i do wonder if her being embraced by this community of people led her to a connection to eventually embrace Rasta as a spiritual practice in the early to mid 2000s (which, interestingly, i have not seen mentioned in many places eulogizing her).

Leslie Rankine (in the same documentary) has also observed religion to be used as a means of social control. While sister Shuhada’ did leave this earth a Muslim, she was on a constant search for spiritual solace and guidance. Regardless of what she practiced throughout her life, she still questioned what was before her. In the midst of her constant critiques of the Vatican, of religion in general she stated in 2013, “…all religions, but certainly the Catholic Church, is really a house built on sand, and it’s drowning in a sea of conditional love, and therefore it can’t survive, and actually the office of Pope itself is an anti-Christian office, the idea that Christ needs a representative is laughable and blasphemous at the same time, therefore it is a house built on sand, and we need to rescue God from religion, all religions, they’ve become a smokescreen that distracts people from the fact that there is a holy spirit, and when you study the Gospels you see the Christ character came to tell us that we only need to talk directly to God, we never needed Religion…”

Her relationship with Rasta, her being ordained by the of the Irish Orthodox Catholic and Apostolic Church, and her last days as a Muslim all symbolize her seeking out a relationship with God wherever she could find it. She did not seem to hold as strong an interest in the label.

Her path to seek a relationship with God in many ways matched her advocacy against institutional, political and social injustices. It is not a rare occurrence for people who hold the most stringent principles against injustice to be ridiculed, critiqued or attacked. People in the u.s. who choose not to vote either democrat or republican (as both parties hold the same capitalist, imperialist, anti-African value systems) are always given the ‘Our ancestors died for the right to vote’ gaslight-based rationalization. When asking most people if they are doing any level of organizing (or at the very least, activism) to assure they are ensuring the type of world they want to see, the answer tends to be no. People continue to put hope in a system that is purposefully meant to not be beneficial to the masses of people, then they get upset when the candidate they vote for ‘fails’ them. In 2016, there are people i spoke with who were surprised by what seemed to be an upsurge of right wing organizing. As a long-time organizer, i saw this level of organized recruitment happening, long before 2016. As the so-called left were infighting, the right became even more organized/galvanized, utilizing the infighting to their advantage.

In the words of the great Minor Threat song ‘In My Eyes’: You tell me that I make no difference/
At least I’m fuckin’ trying/What the fuck have you done?

What happened to sister Sinéad is still happening. Principled people are still being asked to make statements not more plain, but more palatable, so as to not test the waters…. so as not to lose jobs or sponsorships. White supremacist/patriarchal/capitalist society is just as, if not more pronounced in this day and age; to not take a principled, strengthened position on this makes absolutely no sense. If we cannot make pronounced allegiances against these inhumane forces without consequence, this should let us know who is in control of the narrative. Remember the words sister Sinéad once sang: If they hated me they will hate you. As much as you refuse to be involved in controversy (despite the fact that a hatred for injustice should not be controversial); no matter how hard you try to stay out of ‘political issues’, you will be affected by them, whether directly or indirectly. Because everything is political. Those who control the system and the means of production do not care about you. They hate you, because they hate humanity.

If you do not speak up in the face of injustice, your silence is quite audible.

These are dangerous days
To say what you feel is to dig your own grave

The days become increasingly dangerous (especially for those who do openly and principally speak and act against it), because those who say they despise injustice are not unified to act against it. Capitalism ensures that we are too tired from our jobs, or mental health and physical health struggles to speak and act. Capitalism leads us to think that acting must be a lofty task, despite the fact that it takes community to do all things in order to work, from the minimal to the ginormous. The idea that work against injustice must be large does not account for the range of experiences and disabilities- because capitalism’s purpose is to ensure the population is fit only to have its labor exploited. Those with disabilities do not count under capitalism, and the conversations around activism and organizing don’t necessarily take disabilities into account either.

Remember what I told you:
If you were of the world they would love you

The world did not love sister Shuhada’. The world resented sister Sinéad.

Those deep eyes full of despair, were also full of hope.

In order to be confident in your fight, you must share some sort of optimism. Sister Shuhada’/Sister Sinéad consistently protested, out of respect and love for humanity.

There are countless examples of her resistance to larger structures: In 1991 she protested the Grammys, via a letter. She noted that the purpose of the Grammys was to honor and uplift music that has produced significant profit numbers for the industry, and ignores artists who take artistic risks, or present messages of resistance. About the letter, she stated, “They respect mostly material gain, since that is the main reason for their existence. And they have created a great respect among artists for material gain — by honoring us and exalting us when we achieve it, ignoring for the most part those of us who have not.” Also: “How can we communicate with and help the human race, when we have allowed ourselves to be taken out of the world and placed above it?”

She held a policy when touring the u.s. that ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ not be played before any shows she did. In 1990 (two years before the infamous ‘pope’ incident) she stated, “I sincerely harbor no disrespect for America or Americans, but I have a policy of not having any national anthems played before my concerts in any country, including my own, because they have nothing to do with music in general… There is a disturbing trend towards censorship of music and art in this country and people should be alarmed over that far more than my actions…”

As a result, of course, her music was banned at certain certain radio stations on the east coast of the u.s.

In February of 1992 she participated in a march and rally in Dublin, Ireland, in protest of a court decision which prevented a 14-year old girl who had been raped from traveling to England to terminate a pregnancy. As a result of the rape and pregnancy, the young girl desired to end her own life. In a speech held after the march, she states, “If you’re going to admit that a girl who has been raped should be allowed to leave the country for having an abortion, then why not come right out and admit that she should be allowed to have it here?”

In the latter part of her life sister Magda (a name she chose as a means to “free (herself) of the patriarchal slave names”) donated clothes and makeup to folks in the trans community in Ireland.

But like everything in life, sister Shuhada’s relationship with the world was dialectical. Sister Sinéad lived with many contradictions. Under a system guided by capitalism, mental health struggles are not viewed humanely. People with mental health struggles are seen as a burden because again, the point of a ‘healthy’ human under this society is to be well enough to be exploited.

With this, i think of her well-publicized exchanges with Miley Cyrus. Whether or not one agrees with her messages, the intent was to warn about the exploitative nature of the music industry: “You will obscure your talent by allowing yourself to be pimped.” Instead of principally struggling with this concern, Cyrus’ response was this (still available on Twitter as of this writing) post:”Before there was Amanda Bynes, there was…” Cyrus then proceeded to re-post comments made by Sinéad, at a time when she was open about struggling with her mental health. Sinéad’s response, in turn was:

The type of media bullying which resulted from what you did causes suicides. And perpetuates the idea that those deemed by the media to be crazy are fit for nothing but to be mocked and insulted. This causes deaths. Period.

As a result of what you did I have had numerous communications from people urging me to commit suicide. Not to mention I have been the subject of literally thousands of abusive articles and or comments left after articles, which state that I and therefore all perceived mentally ill people, should be bullied and be invalidated.

She states that had it not been for the existence of her four children (one of whom ended his life in 2022), “these types of communications and these types of articles and remarks could have had their desired effect.” She continues:

…(W)hat you did to myself and Amanda encouraged enormous abuse of us both, publicly and privately. And will certainly have made it difficult for young people who admire you and who may be suffering with mental health problems or suicidal ideation to feel they can be open and seek help, since you had us mocked for seeking help.

People of your own age in particular are vulnerable the world over. It is therefore KEY that you apologise for stigmatising mental illness and in particular for stigmatising those who are brave enough to seek help. It would be much more helpful for you to encourage young people to seek help and not be ashamed or afraid to do so.

That way, if you yourself are ever pushed to the brink of wanting to die because of show business’ effects upon you, you will be less likely to be the subject of the type of lynchings you’ve seen Britney and Amanda have to deal with, or which school kids the world over are dealing with every day.

i have not seen word of Miley Cyrus apologizing for her comments. It is possible that she eventually did. i really do hope so.

Miley Cyrus. Her musical career was able to experience several reinventions: from a young ‘Disney Kid’ to an adult pop star (who appropriated a certain perceived notion of ‘Black culture’ in order to disassociate from any ‘whitebread’ Disney associations); to a ‘legitimate’ adult country and rock artist (who of course, in turn ultimately returned to ‘whiteness’, disassociating from perceived notions of ‘Blackness’ in order to be taken seriously). Sister Sinéad never received the type of forgiveness that Miley Cyrus received. With the ‘Free Britney Spears’ movement (and the battle over conservatorship); and even with whatever struggles Miley Cyrus has experienced herself, it’s not difficult to see that sister Shuhada’ was very perceptive.

i will briefly address her struggles with Prince Rogers Nelson here, as this possibly fits under her contradictions. It’s also one of the most publicized struggles she’s had over the course of the latter part of her life. Over the years she’d mentioned that their relationship was antagonistic (given that he was (allegedly at some points) not particularly fond of her cover of ‘Nothing Compares 2U’- though (also allegedly) not opposed to the publishing money received from it). As far back as 2014 (and as late as 2021) though, she has stated that whatever relations she’d had with him had been physically violent.

i do not know if the allegations of them having a “punch-up”, or him stalking or hitting her with a hard item in a pillowcase are true; i do not know if the allegations are due to her having an episode as a result of her diagnosed bipolar or borderline personality disorder. i do wish Prince were here to respond to the allegations.

Again, everything is dialectical. While supporters, admirers, loved ones and ‘family’ (aka fans) of Prince should hold Sinéad accountable if indeed the allegations are proven to be false (as no one should be immune from critique and accountability); and while it is these same folks’ prerogative to not like her as an artist… Any attacks on her mental health are unwarranted. Any perception of Prince as wholly perfect is also unwarranted. No one (including Mr. Nelson) is perfect.

While Prince certainly did have songs protesting wars rooted in imperialism and racism (and was even on a similar spiritual journey), his objective as an artist was not to make ‘protest music’. While he had topical songs such as ‘1999’, ‘Ronnie Talk To Russia’ or ‘America’ in his repertoire; like Michael Jackson, he initially disassociated himself from any decisive political message. It wasn’t until songs like ‘Avalanche’ and ‘Family Name’ (during the post-Warner Brothers period) where the political messages were less vague, and less apt to individually interpret.

Prince Rogers Nelson always openly respected uncompromising artists, as he was also an uncompromising artist. Whatever her contradictions were, it would not be harmful to respect her for standing firm in her belief that artists should stand for something. i have seen too many artists (usually male, who have had a history of racist and/or misogynist behavior) who tend to have that behavior rationalized/excused, based on an apology with no continual redemptive action.

in her letter to the Grammys, she writes: “Thousands of children are starving to death every day…children are being beaten up because of problems in society… children are being sexually abused and emotionally abused, people are living in the streets… It’s not enough any more to just sit in you[r] chair and say, ‘Yeah, it’s terrible.’ Musicians are in a position to help heal this sickness, but I’d say 90% of the artists in the music business fail in that responsibility.”

Which leads us to Steven Patrick Morrissey.

In a tribute posted on his website, Morrissey identifies with Sister Sinéad by addressing the “certain music industry hatred for singers who don’t ‘fit in’”(which of course he “know(s) only too well”); “…(T)hey are never praised until death – when, finally, they can’t answer back. The cruel playpen of fame gushes with praise for Sinead today … with the usual moronic labels of “icon” and “legend”.

There are two pieces of this i want to discuss specifically.

“Music CEOs who had put on their most charming smile as they refused her for their roster are queuing-up to call her a “feminist icon”, and 15 minute celebrities and goblins from hell and record labels of artificially aroused diversity are squeezing onto Twitter to twitter their jibber-jabber … when it was YOU who talked Sinead into giving up … because she refused to be labelled, and she was degraded, as those few who move the world are always degraded.”

And:

“Who cared enough to save Judy Garland, Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, Marilyn Monroe, Billie Holiday? Where do you go when death can be the best outcome?”

Obviously i do not know Morrissey, nor do i want to know him, or even meet him. That said, i detect a bit of projection from this piece. This man, who is notoriously right wing, racist and xenophobic, putting “feminist icon” in quotes can only be read from a tone or place of derision. i have seen a couple of right wing sources identify her as ‘anti feminist’, despite the fact that vast number of things she has done in her life and stood for were antipatriarchal. His evoking of Whitney Houston’s name was also interesting, given he once made this comment in 1986: “I hate all those records in the Top 40 — Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston. I think they’re vile in the extreme. In essence this music doesn’t say anything whatsoever. I don’t think there’s any time any more to be subtle about anything. You have to get straight to the point. Obviously, to get on Top of the Pops these days one has to be, by law, black.” In the same interview he said: “Reggae, for example, is to me the most racist music in the entire world. It’s an absolute total glorification of black supremacy… There is a line when defense of one’s race becomes an attack on another race and, because of black history and oppression, we realise quite clearly that there has to be a very strong defense. But I think it becomes very extreme sometimes.”

This is a man who supported Brexit and has lamented immigration in the u.k. (despite being from a family of Irish immigrants, and moving to Los Angeles and Rome, Italy): “The gates are flooded and anybody can have access to England and join in… Although I don’t have anything against people from other countries, the higher the influx into England the more the British identity disappears.”

This is a man who in a 2010 interview with The Guardian said with his whole chest, “You can’t help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies,” due to his objection towards the treatment of non-humans.

This man is the polar opposite of everything Shuhada’ Sadaqat stood for and yet i see countless rationalizations and defenses of this man and his behavior… ‘because he makes good music.’ People who say they are against racism and hatred STILL listen to his music (yes, i am referring to his solo music, not the Smiths) and attend his concerts.

At what point do we demand both artist and listener to struggle and be decisive in their choices, if one truly claims they are against injustice? Steven Patrick Morrissey may very well be sincere in his tribute; if we ignore his history (and present tense) though, it may be harder to read between the lines.

In terms of Sister Sinéad’s anti-racist leanings, there have been a number of pieces addressing her song ‘Black Boys On Mopeds’ (from one of my top 50 favorite albums of all time, 1990s I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got– i have also quoted lyrics from the song earlier in this very post). The song addresses the targeted criminalization of African youth by the state, and the deaths that occur as a result.

The opening lyrics, regarding (prime minister) Margaret Thatcher’s indignation at what was occurring in Tienanmen Square in China, calls out her hypocrisy for her signing off on the same thing occurring in Britain (which of course, was once colonizer to China).

Margaret Thatcher on TV
Shocked by the deaths that took place in Beijing
It seems strange that she should be offended
The same orders are given by her

It fascinates me that out of the pieces addressing this song, there are mentions of George Floyd and Black Lives Matter (understandably); yet there is no condemnation of the system that presented a death of George Floyd to us. In a world where Joe Biden can deride antiqueer policies and enact sanctions against Uganda, but not impose federal repercussions onto u.s. states that that increasingly negatively impact the lives of queer, nonbinary and trans people. This is the country where people called Trump a racist (and make no mistake, he is) and yet ignore and support this same Joe Biden (under an Obama cabinet) who supported the usurping of a democratically elected government in Ukraine in 2014 (with folks like Victoria Nuland at the helm), replacing said government with very open neo nazis, who persist to this day. This is a country that has no problem with increasing funding and militarizing police (as well as remaining silent on the environmentally destructive and inhumane building of Cop City), as health care is still majorly privatized.

There’s so much, but discussing it all would take a whole other blog entry’s worth. i will just say this: the settler colonial status of the u.s. will never be dealt with, until there is actual acknowledgement that it sits upon stolen land. The u.s. is in no position to do any sort of moral posturing, when its objective is driven by the destabilization of any place around the world which rejects western-backed hegemony or subjugation- Cuba, Vietnam, Chile, Nicaragua, etc., and when the prison industrial complex is funded much more significantly than schools.

If they hated me they will hate you.

You may ask, what does all of this have to do with Sinéad O’Connor?

If you must ask this question, i insist you both read this piece again, as well as listen to her music.

As an organizer (who at times has had my voice shut down and/or minimized for being ‘too loud’), as a person who plays music as well as a person who struggles with mental health almost every day of my life (who sometimes contemplates, as well as have made attempts to end it all), Sister Shuhada’s life story is one i empathize with. This is but a humble tribute.

In some ways artists do help us connect to seeing that, as a play on a Sinéad lyric, all we’d need was inside us the whole time. Writing this helped me to process what it was i connected to, and why she was truly special. Like St. Anger (an album that has been similarly maligned), there is a beauty in her imperfection.

Stepping up and speaking out is scary. But it is necessary for our survival.

Sister Sinéad.

Sister Shuhada’.

Sister Magda.

You are now free of all labels. You are now all of these names, and none of these names. You have left us here, with your gift of principled struggle. Amid these dangerous days, may we take these lessons to heart. May you now be at peace, with your new family.

Posted in art, life, music, politics, transcendence | Tagged art, life, music, sinead o'connor, transcendence, tribute | Leave a comment

When Is It A Good Time To Critique An Artist?

Posted on July 29, 2023 by jamilah

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-gyuzt-1469cc7

(RECORDED ON MAY 29, 2023) After a ton of mishaps and mental health episodes, we finally have this episode up!!! jesse and jamilah felt inspired to discuss this after the physical transition of Tina Turner, given a few anti-African stances she took throughout her life. While these things were known by some prior to her passing, many opined that addressing her contradictions was inappropriate because, well… she’s Tina Turner!

We must remember that she was human, just like any of us who do not share her fame or financial status. No one, regardless of celebrity status or amount of income they make should ever be immune from critique, whether they are physically on this earth, or not.

In this episode we also discuss William ‘Smokey’ Robinson and his latest album, Gasms. We discuss portions of his memoir, the ageism surrounding reactions to the album, and more.

(Note: The audio got kind of messed up between the 51-54 minute mark; we hope that doesn’t take too much away from the content! Thanks!)

For questions, comments, etc. you can reach us here: musicandwejj@gmail.com

Posted in documentary, michael jackson | Leave a comment

Vegan Cooking and Punk Rock: A Conversation With Joshua Ploeg

Posted on June 3, 2023 by jamilah

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-dtupg-1424dbd

(RECORDED ON MAY 23, 2023) This is a multi-tiered episode of sorts, if you will. The Mulkilteo Fairies were one of jamilah’s most favoritest hardcore/punk bands in the early to mid 1990s, as she was a young punk kid trying to figure life out. She wanted to always meet the people behind that band- and eventually met Josh (while he was in the band Behead The Prophet NLSL) and Quitty (while hanging out in Olympia, WA), respectably- so starting out, this is both an (a. ‘Meet Your Heroes’, as well as a (b. ‘Giving Flowers’ episode, combined.

Of course, the people we looked up to as young people are humans, and sometimes those humans are around the same age as us, and sometimes we have similar friend groups (which is not hard if you’re in the punk scene, especially in a smaller city on the map). So of course this is also a ‘reunion’ episode, as jamilah and Josh have reconvened after a long, long period.

Josh has been very, very busy over the years, bringing awareness to the connections between punk and veganism via his role as a traveling chef over the years doing dinner parties. A few published cookbooks of his are ‘So Raw It’s Downright Filthy’, ‘In Search Of The Lost Taste’, ‘Hey Ho Let’s Dough!’ and ‘This Ain’t no Picnic: Your Punk Rock Vegan Cookbook’. Residents in Billings, Montana have also seen him selling baked goods and herbs at the local farmer’s market.

Josh is a person with such a well-rounded experience (while not ignoring the punk roots that shape him), and we hope you have a positive experience listening to this conversation! (ed. note: We want to apologize for whatever tech/mic issues occurring in this episode. We hope it doesn’t get in the way of the content. We did our best to work through them- so even the tech spirit is punk as well!)

To get updates from Josh, go to his website: https://joshuaploeg.blogspot.com/

For questions, comments, etc. you can reach us here: musicandwejj@gmail.com

Posted in documentary, michael jackson | Tagged food, music | Leave a comment

The ’Giving Flowers’ series (episode 2): Stevie Wonder

Posted on May 28, 2023 by jamilah

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-f2uyc-141d066

(RECORDED ON MAY 13, 2023) This is an interesting episode, as tables have somewhat turned… jamilah is usually the fanboi (of various things) out of the two hosts; however, given that he was massively beloved by her in the past, it was discovered that jesse is far more of one when it comes to Stevie Wonder. There are attempts to explore this emerging discovery.

jesse and jamilah discuss Stevie Wonder’s discography, the songs and albums they connect to, what the best songs are to introduce others to his music… as well as (of course) the contradictions. Even with all of these things, they feel his contributions to the arts and music are definitely deserving of flowers.

For questions, comments, your favorite Stevie songs, etc. you can reach us here: musicandwejj@gmail.com

Posted in documentary, michael jackson | Leave a comment

A conversation With Old Head (aka Steven)

Posted on May 14, 2023 by jamilah

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-i8tmf-140a68d

(RECORDED ON APRIL 30, 2023) One of the objectives of this podcast is to engage with the ways we all connect with and to music. Of course, that would be boring if it were just jesse and jamilah every episode, so we always love when others get to share their experiences.

jamilah was very glad to have been able to share some time with fellow podcaster and creator (and lover of St. Anger) Old Head, whom she first became familiar with through his YouTube videos. Steven/Old Head is also a radio host (which jamilah was for 11 years); another thing she learned through this conversation was the similarity in which they both play guitar (which he is much better at). Throughout the episode they also discuss the erosion of cultural musical delineations, social awareness and responsibility of artists, and the healing power of music.

Old Head Podcast: https://oldheadpodcast.podbean.com/

Old Head’s YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@OldHead

Supporting Actor: https://open.spotify.com/artist/0NwEPvnhvzF7OesykYdQBM

Radio show: https://live.onamp.com/oldhead.tx

For questions, comments, etc. you can reach us here: musicandwejj@gmail.com

Posted in documentary, michael jackson | Tagged art, comedy, concer..., Love, Metallica, music, politics | Leave a comment

A Conversation On Disability & Metal (feat. Nick (aka MetalLawyer))

Posted on April 28, 2023 by jamilah

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-tui6m-13f3c17

(RECORDED ON APRIL 23, 2023) jamilah has been fairly open on this podcast about her experience as an amputee, and the ways music is now experienced due to it. We want to take time in various episodes to explore the various experiences had, under the spectrum of disabilities that exist.

On this episode we have Nick, who was born with cerebral palsy. jamilah and Nick met via a community of listeners and appreciators of Metal Up Your Podcast (MUYP), a… podcast (!!!) developed out of a love for Metallica. There’s a bit of conversation about MUYP; as well as discussions on how our disabilities shape our experiences, our love for the band beginning with the letter M, as well as what can be done in order for metal to be more welcoming. And of course, Nick discusses his profession as a lawyer (and the way metal inspires him- hence the name, MetalLawyer).

For more information or queries for Nick, go to https://www.nrollerlaw.com/

For questions, comments, etc. you can reach us here: musicandwejj@gmail.com

Posted in documentary, michael jackson | Tagged art, concerts, disability, Metallica, music | Leave a comment

A discussion of 72 Seasons, Metallica’s new album

Posted on April 18, 2023 by jamilah

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-rvxnj-13e7655

(RECORDED ON APRIL 17, 2023) 72 Seasons must be a special album, because jesse stayed up past his bedtime to discuss it! This is his first experience with a new Metallica album release cycle, so jamilah was extremely excited to hear his perspective. Needless to say, she was very pleasantly surprised.

As they go into detail about perspectives and what significance the album and individual songs hold, the two longtime friends also emotionally exposed themselves (to each other, and perhaps the world) in ways they hadn’t before. Again, this must be a special album.

(Also …Hardwired To Self Destruct is #6 on the albums list. jamilah sadly left it out. BOOOOOOO to her.)

Thanks so much for listening!

For questions, comments, etc. you can reach us here: musicandwejj@gmail.com

In addition, if you struggling are in need of a voice to talk to, please call 988 (for the u.s. national number), or go to https://988lifeline.org/current-events/the-lifeline-and-988/

Posted in documentary, michael jackson | Leave a comment

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