Anyone who’s read any of my writings up to this point most likely know how i feel about the Metallica album St. Anger– in the case you are not aware, here is a film i did.

In short, St. Anger is one of my top ten favorite albums of all time, up there with What’s Going On and A Love Supreme. If you do not know me, if you have not heard the album, or if you are wondering why such an album would be ‘preferred’ over more publicly favorable albums such as Master Of Puppets or …And Justice For All; the sea of superlatives as published by Guitar World magazine is a fairly good example as to why:

“Many tracks are marred by glitches left unretouched– the crackle of a faulty guitar jack, a misplaced three-second guitar swell, snippets of ambient noise– that give the album a nearly avant-garde feel. This is still unmistakably heavy metal, but Metallica have stripped it of its familiar vocabulary and created something daring, unnerving and imaginably exciting.”

The article in which these words are derived (in which the title references ‘Fixxxer’, the song oft-beloved by the most hardcore of fans) is featured in an exhibition/retrospective on Metallica’s Black Box site: 20 Years Of Anger. i, like the many fans, appreciators and admirers of the album, was wondering if there would be some sort of commemoration. i went to the Download Festival in the U.K. with the specific hope that the album would be acknowledged (as Metallica headlined on two nights- one of those nights being June 10, the originally planned release date of the album. The album ended up being released on the 5th). They did not do any songs from the album; however, they did make a lighthearted joke. i was pretty far from the stage, but i yelled as loud as i could (“YES! MORE TORTURE! YES! ST. ANGER!”) and everyone around me started laughing. If it was at me or with me, i will never know.

When i heard the announcement of the exhibition two days prior i automatically knew i was going to love it before i even saw it. i made a plan to take a bit of time out of the day to listen to the album (on the original Elektra vinyl pressing of course, since we are commemorating the album’s anniversary- i have six vinyl variants of the album, including the Blackened repress and the Warner Brothers 45 rpm box… and i listen to them all).

Many who appreciate the album say that it’s something to listen to on your worst days. St. Anger, for me, is an album that actually makes me incredibly happy, and uplifts me. St. Anger (and Metallica by extension) works in the same way for me as Earth, Wind & Fire or Pharoah Sanders do. It is an incredibly healing album, and it gives me great joy to listen to.

The exhibition on its own is a fairly satisfactory observation of an era where a band was in a very insecure place. Understanding the fuller context of that era (via Some Kind Of Monster (SKOM for short), the documentary covering this era and the making of the album; issues of So What, the band’s fanzine, as well as the Jump In The Studio videos, which you can find on youtube), the exhibition is actually pretty bittersweet in some areas, and heartbreaking in others.

There are currently 40 components to the exhibition. they comprise of images and audio (some previously seen/heard and a lot unseen/unheard) and a lot of b-roll and behind the scenes footage. As a writer, i was incredibly moved by some of the working lyrics (even if the ones that were used in the end on the album were much more compelling). Anyone starting a process of writing a project understands that there’s going to be a lack of cohesion. In the midst of pain and unsurety, that lack of cohesion is heightened. The ‘Unnamed Feeling Song’ lends to a pretty common theme in its working lyrics: “Can’t outrun it/No matter how fast you run/But it’s all you know to do”.

Even as i (and many of us) have seen the finished results of many of the things posted in the exhibition, i did tear up at, for example the draft of James Hetfield’s writing, concerning the January 2001 departure of bassist Jason Newsted. i opened this page as All Within My Hands, a song which was inspired by Newsted’s departure, began to play. The post resonated with me, again, as a writer. You struggle to find the right words, especially when addressing a relationship or situation that did not necessarily end amicably at the time. How do you sincerely honor someone’s contributions, in the midst of struggle? “Playing with someone who has such unbridled passion for music will forever be a huge inspiration. On stage every night he was a driving force to us all, fans and band alike. His connection will never be broken.”

As a person who first saw Metallica live during the ‘Jason era’, every word said makes absolute sense to me. Jason is the bird who could never be caged, and his leaving was a way for the band to reevaluate itself not only as a unit, but as individuals. Like with any relationship, it is important to be able to have an identity outside of it. This sentiment is rounded out in the b-roll footage (from SKOM) of Newsted: “I came into Metallica and gave ’em a big kick in the ass, to keep on going; I left Metallica, and gave ’em a big kick in the ass to keep on going, because things were getting real lackadaisical. They are the kings, they can continue to be the kings.” On the band being at the forefront of heavy music, Newsted continues, “They can be the ones that are looked to to set the standard, still, like they have been for so long. It is possible. And this thing that took place in the grand plan; whoever has the grand plan, it’s for a reason… That’s the thing that made Metallica run all these years, is challenges. People telling them that they couldn’t do something.” i agree that Newsted made the correct decision- especially in light of being told no, a direct discrepancy in relation to what Newsted named specifically about why his former band was so successful. His response was incredibly mature, given that the wounds of the relationship were still fresh.

It could be seen that Jason Newsted also predicted the future, 22 years after the recording of that footage. Metallica, with Robert Trujillo as their bassist for 20 years (longer than all former bassists combined) continue to be the most influential and well known (and successful, if you pay attention to those things) metal band in the world.

In the context of a song like ‘All Within My Hands’, a film like Some Kind Of Monster and writings such as Hetfield’s (and others which ended up in So What), from the outside looking in it’s as if the primary message was, ‘We really took this person for granted.’

If i’m tearing up looking at this site; if an exhibition of this sort were in person as opposed to digital, i have no doubts that i would break down in tears.

Before i moved back to one side of the country from another i threw tons of things away- years and years of photographs, old fanzines i’d made, papers, etc. i did so because i knew that once i started to sift through one thing it would take forever to sift through everything else, and i’d end up not parting with anything. i also don’t have an HQ available to store decades of memories either. As a person who actually has no problem parting with material things, looking at the exhibits in the Black Box site (as well as the pop-up museum they have on tour- or any exhibit, frankly) is always intriguing. Metallica has 42 years of experience of cassette tapes, flyers, fanzines, t shirts, instruments (broken or not), gifts and correspondence from fans, messages, photographs, video and so much more. Holding a copy of What’s Going On in my hands (which was released 30 years before Jason Newsted’s departure from Metallica) conjures up stories of who first purchased and held the copy i now have, 52 years ago. Who will be holding the OG copy i have of St. Anger, 32 years from now? Will it be me, at the age of 79? Who holds all of the copies of the much coveted yellow cover variant of St. Anger? (Perhaps information on the the discontinued yellow variant will soon be added to the exhibition as well.) Will HQ transform into an actual physical museum/center of pilgrimage for fans, once the band ceases to exist?

Until all of these questions can and will be answered, all of these memories and mementos will be lovingly compiled on the Black Box site- a place where it’s impossible to be angry at such beauty.