the one woman apollo!

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 100)

Posted on November 5, 2011 by jamilah

it has actually been a trying day, dealing with so many people… and here i am in my 100th conversation with you. anyone else reading this may look at this as a one-sided conversation; i suppose it can be seen as some sort of ‘confessional’; all it is to me though, is a conversation between a student and a teacher.

could my time be better spent speaking with someone who is physically here on earth? i suppose so. i don’t mind speaking with you in this way though. i have a lot to work out in my brain, and it’s also a way for me to discuss the teachings in a way others will hopefully grasp.

again, how do i navigate this, without isolating myself or sounding arrogant? i have to keep asking this, because i continually get frustrated and lonely. today, for the first time in a long time, i thought to myself ‘i am going to live the rest of my life alone’. how i process life, and how i process you is so different from how so many others process everything.

despite acknowledging the impermanence of life, i became so spoiled knowing barry would always be there supporting me, even when he left town, or the country. i just KNEW he would always be there, to just listen to me and bring me back to earth when i needed it. when he left this earth, i realized just how fortunate i was… even though i have wonderful people in my life, all of these people are either too tired/busy/committed to a relationship/etc. to give me the attention i desire. as busy as barry was, he was such a devoted friend. he made time for everyone and made them feel as if they were the only person in the world.

this is not an easy skill to have; and it’s not easy to find people in your life who have this quality. with that, some people may find this to be the reason i am speaking (in writing) to some guy i will never physically see. if one is a spirit, they have plenty of time to dedicate to committing themselves to a person, right?

the thing is, this is not the reason i come to you at all as a student. i sincerely have questions, and do trust that as a teacher, you can guide me in some way. all i can do is examine the teachings you brought to us when you were here; and if you feel i as a student am disrespecting the teachings, i trust there will be some signs of dissatisfaction. spirits are powerful beings and they do not get credit for their power. spirits can see so much around them, and unless we are truly in tune with our environment, we are going to ignore the power of our ancestors, our loved ones, our friends… our teachers.

all i can do as a student is be guided by the energy. i can feel whichever direction it flows. i am highly sensitive to energy, and i was DEFINITELY feeling it earlier, at work. i don’t know what you were feeling (or, what or how much in the spirit world you feel)… i am sure though, there was such a shift in energy in my world, due to the focus on you, directed at me. it seriously affected my mood for a period of time… it affected me so much that hearing your voice- your singing voice as a child- made me so sad.

all day… i have never had so many people, so many strangers come up to me and speak about you… not since that fateful day in 2009. there were so many people asking me what i thought of the trial, my thoughts on murray… there were more than a few people who saw the shirt, the button, the little michael, and asked me what the ‘theme’ was about… there was a person who asked if it was the anniversary of your transcendence.

it was all a little too much to take.

i wish there was a way people would understand that THIS IS MY LIFE… this is not fandom, this is not something i play with. this is not me playing ‘dress-up’. i wish there was a way we could change the culture to be more critical of popular culture, so that we could have a more serious study of peoples’ lives and works, so that we wouldn’t just assume people are celebrating ‘themes’.

when i tell people about this whole thing being my life, i don’t feel as if people take me seriously. no, i don’t define myself by my being a student; however, being a student comes with responsibilities, thereby making it about the teachings, and not the person. we ALL have the ability to be teachers, and popular culture perpetuates the idea of the power dynamic of student (who knows less) and teacher (who knows everything).

i am at a loss as to how to deal with the ‘outside world’ regarding me being a student. i have committed myself to them, and i feel that others who have committed themselves to the teachings as well are, again, too busy/tired/committed elsewhere (or to other people).

i read where you wrote little notes to your fans… i have seen them- they are full of sincerity and gladness that you are appreciated for what you do. in those notes though, i sense a grave sadness; a desire to have any sort of companionship, and a real conversation besides the trivial, or about your music or role as a celebrity… words like this make me sad:

everything about it is so sad… feeling energy through the walls? despite any sort of connection made, there still has to be a barrier between yourself and the fans. and others. i get it; it doesn’t make it any less depressing.

this is what i feel when i have these ‘small talks’. that people don’t want to talk to me about you as a person; you are just a caricature to them… just a dude who does ‘thriller’, and sings and dances all day. no one speaks with me about you as a person with feelings, a heart. a family, friends.

what exactly is a friend to you? i’ve seen you write that your fans are your friends… people you’ve worked with on an album. even mannequins. i am clear that you have cherished friendship where you could find it. but what did that mean to you? did you really feel you didn’t have friends in your life? and you were kind to your fans, but how exactly did they view you? how did you see them as viewing you? do you think they were really trying to share a friendship with you, or were they fulfilling some sort of fantasy, based on how they imagine you are?

“i am living for you… for the children.”

it just makes me sad to see that.

i see these notes juxtaposing with this:

i realize that ultimately, the basis of everything i am saying right now is most likely me still grieving for you and barry. that may be all there is to it. i just need to make sense of all of that in my head. none of it makes sense. i go through these periods when i grieve that i feel very lonely.

now is one of those times.

and as i, like many people, await a verdict in the trial of conrad murray; as i said before, even if he got 20 years (a. that is not going to bring you back and (b. the industry will still be in existence… it’s very draining to have to talk about it all the time, especially when people don’t necessarily want to get into a detailed (or deep) conversation about it. most of the people talking to me about it most likely were doing it because you are in the news… when the trial is over and a verdict made, you’ll most likely not be in the minds of these folks anymore.

i just get so frustrated.

i write again in a moment of frustration and tiredness. again, i’ve come to terms with the possibility of me being alone, but yeah… it hurts when you just continuously get triggered. being by yourself in an environment where people are aware and understand is VERY different from being in a world where people want to make small talk without commitment to the dialog about something or someone you feel passionate about.

what is a pro-active way of co-existing amonst all that without going crazy??!!

love, jamilah

Posted in children, life, transcendence, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 99)

Posted on November 3, 2011 by jamilah

in the midst of all these people who say they love you, i feel like an outsider. just so we are once again clear; i’m not willing to fight over the semantics of the names bestowed on you by media; i’m not prepared to say that everyone in the world hates you except those who deem you immune from imperfection; i’m not going to cease my critique of your actions when i feel they warrant critique. i’m not going to quote you without careful examination of the quote. i’m not going to assume everything you say is truth. i am not going to assume i ‘know’ you simply by how you publicly present yourself. and i am certainly not going to treat you as an icon.

to be a student is mutually exclusive from hero worship. despite my views and experiences, in no way do i think, or AM i better than anyone else walking around on this earth. what i AM saying is that it’s been a frustrating road to explain what being a student of yours represents for me. how do you navigate it without sounding arrogant or alienating?

i ask myself this question all the time, and don’t know if i’ll ever find the answer to it.

i say all this to continue what i said to you yesterday… i know i’ve been told that grief is something that unexpectedly returns for an indefinite amount of time; but of course, being told something is quite different from actually experiencing it. again, the reason i chose not to follow this conrad murray trial is because i knew it would bring up a lot of issues, regarding you, and regarding myself.

i also didn’t want to follow the trial and encounter mass waves of infighting, theories (conspiracy or otherwise) and blame games. i wanted to be able to see things laid out as they were, via transcript. i wanted to be able to make my own decisions based on testimony, without influence from journalists, commentators, or the fan base.

in my search for other news events, it’s inevitable your name would come up in the mix. i actually did a pretty good job of avoiding most reportage on it in the past month and a half; somehow, after work yesterday, something compelled me to read up on the events. i became livid after again reviewing the details of the AEG contract; however, what i read after work presented a range of experiences i don’t think i was ready for.

in the course of reading it i felt water well up in my eyes- but the tears did not fall. it wasn’t until i spoke with a friend of mine some minutes later that i began crying in front of him. as i was speaking about what i read it hit me again that you were gone. all i could think was ‘THEY KILLED MY TEACHER.’

they KILLED you, michael. i don’t know why, but reading this synopsis of the trial, it hit me more than it’s ever hit me, aside from the day of your transcendence. i literally felt a blow to my insides. i just kept thinking of how much you were literally dying. how you left this earth, alone. i can’t even imagine how horrifying those final minutes were.

he asked me what i thought the outcome was going to be. i told him i didn’t think it was going to be good, and at the most, murray would get two years. he opined he didn’t think he would be convicted at all. my subconscious says he WON’T be convicted; and the logical side of me says that the evidence presented should convict him with at least negligence.

my feelings about all of this go way beyond whether or not i think he will be convicted though. the closing testimonies are being presented as i am writing all of this to you, and the jury will then deliberate.

frankly, i’m not nervous about it at all. i’m not even concerned about whether or not he gets convicted. for me, the justice is not in whether or not murray is convicted, because the situation is bigger than him. his being convicted is not going to bring you back. the only way i see justice being served is if THE WHOLE MEDICAL INDUSTRY AS WE KNOW IT TODAY IS DISMANTLED; that there lay a more wholistic approach to health care. as we can see with you and so many others, this industry does not value life.

in reading what i read, in essentially reliving whatever pain you were experiencing, truly hurt my spirit. to read testimonies from people on both the prosecution and defense’s side, one thing was very clear- you needed help. i cannot see how anyone could be in denial about that. i am trying to wrap my head around people who blame only conrad murray for what happened to you. granted, i put an even larger blame on the industry which values money above life… still, as an individual you have, over the years, acknowledged a dependency on certain drugs. as we can see with many of these commercial pharmaceuticals, they cause damaging side effects, at times prompting a person to take other pharmaceuticals to counter the damages from the other drug.

this is what appears to have happened with you.

Relax
This won’t hurt you
Before I put it in
Close your eyes and count to ten
Don’t cry
I won’t convert you
There’s no need to dismay
Close your eyes and drift away

dependency v. addiction: this is a debate i’ve struggled with in my brain for many years. this debate stems from one thing though- childhood trauma.

in thinking about dependence i thought of my own: because i never received as much love as i craved as a child, i intended to seek it out wherever i could find it. i became dependent on others to meet my needs for love and affection, eventually becoming oblivious to crossing boundaries- that is, until a friend pretty much yelled at me.

this may not physically compare to, say, a dependency on benzodiazepines; at the same time, it’s not all that far off. relationships with people, like life, are impermanent, as should be the use of benzos. in many cases we use both because we want to never see the pain. our bodies and spirits withdraw if indeed we’ve had them in our lives for so long, since they present an artificial resistance to whatever pain we’ve been experiencing.

frankly, you were on so many benzos, i’m not sure how you even made it as long as you did. your body seemed so dependent on substances that really weren’t set up to give you the rest you really wanted, that more and more were added, causing even more resistance. and of course, no one appeared to be working with you pro-actively to find solutions. and because there really weren’t any on hand, more benzos, more propofol got added.

many people will continue to say you were addicted- even people who share dependencies on drugs- but reading the transcript synopsis, i sensed more of a dependency than anything. i saw an anxious man just trying to get some rest, and not trying to get high. how you WENT about getting that rest eventually gave you the eternal rest you most likely saw coming before any of us did.

i keep thinking of how lisa marie stated you told her you were going to leave this earth at a fairly young age… i return to your embarrassment when struggling to put on your glasses in public for one of the first times. i return to your desiring eternal childhood in trade for not being able to live it at the age you were supposed to…. and you left this earth, rife with symbols of mortality and age.

the comparisons to gustav von aschenbach’s transcendence in luchino visconti’s ‘death in venice’ should never be surprising. as von aschenbach also left this earth essentially alone, in the process of attaining his perception of youth as beauty. in working to attain this youth, he was entrapped by it. as he reaches out to grab his ideal in the sunlight (before both ideal and sunlight descend); he tragically collapses from cholera, heavy makeup and hair dye streaming down his face.

there is something very humbling and poetic about your transcendence, really… how alone you really were, despite being one of the most admired (and polarizing) figures in the world…. how much, in the end, the removal of any facades of ‘youth and beauty’ made you MORE beautiful.

that no matter how ‘carefree’ you appeared to the public, all you really wanted was to be settled, raising your children.

to see how your life has been playing out in media has also been incredibly poetic; despite protests from fans for, in their view, callously displaying your ailments and picking you apart; as a person reared in the age where celebrities maintained some sort of private life separate from ‘the rest of us’, your life ended full circle in a society in which people demand to know every single facet of life of celebrities. the reportage of all the so-called ‘ugly details’ of your physical self- your enlarged prostate, arthritis, skin problems, graying hair, identifying marks and blemishes- has been so unsympathetic that it ultimately does represent the teaching of interconnectedness- that no matter how much you lived in a world seemingly separate from ‘normalcy’, you share the same ailments as so many of us who have less access to health care.

it’s interesting, because i am told by many that my face looks young. in fact, earlier at work someone assumed i was either 21 or 22. there are also many assumptions (when i do radio or am walking around) that i am just starting or are in the process of college. being that i haven’t seen 21 in a whole lot of years, i feel those years accumulating in my body. all the aches and pains i feel in my joints; the slowing down of my metabolism, and the way i have to make plans to keep the energy up definitely contrast with my youthful face.

i thought about the pains i feel and how i choose to treat them, and all the pains YOU’VE felt over the years, heightened by your profession, and possibly not feeling there was much you could do about it.

this may embarrass you a bit, but because i read it in my reviewing of this conrad murray case, i’m going to say it. having read the autopsy report i remember a bunch of what they mentioned, but not every detail. one prominent detail in review of the case was that you had an enlarged prostate (as well as bad vision)… as an enlarged prostate is not the worst thing in the world that could happen to a man, it does affect the amount of urination which happens. (and i’ll equally ’embarrass’ myself here- if i eat a high-gluten diet i also end up having frequent urination. not the same as the prostate thing, but still)…

i mention the prostate because medically it’s impossible to have an enlarged prostate if one is castrated. the rumors of you being castrated at a young age in order to maintain a high voice should CEASE, if those who make those claims were to read the autopsy report, as well as review the testimony in the murray case. if people were to actually do a serious study of both the case and the autopsy, there’d ideally be less perceptions about who you were- when really, no one knows but you.

it was also sad to again read about an enlarged prostate, because i could only imagine the sadness you faced with the inevitability of aging. i mean, i remember how apologetic you were having to pull out your glasses at the bambi awards in 2002.

i enjoy how much more distinguished you look with glasses. i appreciate them as a sign of maturity and aging for you. but yes, i definitely recognize your perspective, given your profession.

even WITH any pain i’ve gained with age, i welcome aging. for me, every day above ground is a good day. every time i see a new gray hair, i smile. i know it was not like that for you. your profession depended on you maintaining youth of some sort. so again, hearing that audio of you all drugged up just sealed a terrible reality of your fear of growing older.

“don’t have enough hope. no more hope. that’s the next generation…”

i think calling you a ‘drug addict’ or even ‘drug dependent’ is too simplistic. it’s not even because those are necessarily mean things to say. to me, there are larger issues at stake- the desire to no longer be in pain, to be able to REST WELL for once in your life… the desire to be at your best in order to make others happy.

was the drive to rest stemmed from the drive to make others happy, or was it stemmed from just the need to REST?

cherilyn lee testified, just as she had mentioned in interviews, that the vitamin cocktails she gave you were not working for you (at the same time consuming heavily caffeinated drinks- WHICH MAY HAVE ALSO WORSENED THE CONDITION OF YOUR ENLARGED PROSTATE), so you urged her to find a doctor who would give you some propofol. when she refused, you essentially let her go.

okay. okay. THIS is one of the many times where i feel like an outcast amongst your supporters, because i refuse to not hold you accountable for your actions. a huge factor in not pro-actively dealing with childhood trauma is pushing people away who actually are looking out for your best interests. because you grew up with someone abusing you- mentally and physically- everyone who does not cater to your needs in the way you want it is seemingly viewed as having that ‘parental’ role.

is it the case that anyone who didn’t want to get you pills or mentioned to you that certain people in your life were no good for you, were seen as adversarial?

it is possible i am casting aspersions due to my own experiences… i see a pattern though, in people speaking of their experiences with you. there were people who have had genuine concern for you get rejected because they did not cater to your every need. this is destructive. and it led to you getting involved with people like thome, people who ended up stealing your money and having you sign contracts you could not even negotiate.

that you had to use PROPOFOL in order to get some decent rest is interesting, since it’s already been established TIME AND TIME AGAIN that it is an anesthetic. looking at the ingredients of the stuff, i’m not sure why ANYBODY would want that in their body:

“Propofol is slightly soluble in water and, thus, is formulated in a white, oil-in-water emulsion. The pKa is 11. The octanol/water partition coefficient for propofol is 6761:1 at a pH of 6-8.5. In addition to the active component, propofol, the formulation also contains soybean oil (100 mg/mL), glycerol (22.5 mg/mL), egg lecithin (12 mg/mL); and disodium edetate (0.005%); with sodium hydroxide to adjust pH. The DIPRIVAN (propofol) Injectable Emulsion is isotonic and has a pH of 7-8.5.”

http://www.rxlist.com/diprivan-drug.htm

getting back to the dependency v. addiction issue, i found a pretty simple explanation as to why i don’t think you were an addict:

The pain patient who is effectively treated with opioids finds life restored-even if he is dependent on them. With the pain muted by stable and steady controlled use of long-acting opioids, a patient can reclaim his life, go back to work, return to family life, and pursue favorite pastimes. Dependence is a physical state that occurs when the lack of a drug causes the body to have a reaction. Physical dependence is solely a physical state indicating that the body has grown so adapted to having the drug present that sudden removal of it will lead to negative consequences such as a withdrawal reaction. This can occur with almost any kind of drug… The difference between a patient with opioid addiction and a patient who is dependent on opioids for chronic pain is simple. The opioid-dependent patient with chronic pain has improved function with his use of the drugs and the patient with opioid addiction does not.

http://health.howstuffworks.com/diseases-conditions/pain/medication/addiction-v-dependence-on-pain-medications.htm

from reading transcripts, autopsy reports, etc. this is what i sense coming from you.

and BECAUSE you’ve used so many of these pharmaceuticals to try to get some decent rest, it would make sense that something as simple as, say, MELATONIN would not work as quickly as you would want it to work.

the lives we all lead in the ‘modern world’ do not help either. we no longer follow the natural patterns of the sun, and we use a lot of nutrient-depleting technology. looking into the reports again, with the life you led, it was as if you tried everything, and continued to go down a road which seemed easier, but it was harder to navigate out of.

i get it. i’m not mad at you. still, i have no qualms in saying you had to take some of the responsibility for, not your transcendence, but the people you allowed in your life. had you had people in your life who were not as accommodating and showed more love, you may still be here today. clearly, those who were more accommodating were more sinister, either due to their attraction to money, and/or your status.

those eyes though… they just break my heart. looking at them, i just see there was so much missing in your life… love. and you gave so much attention to everything else in the world, but i can’t help but think that you LIKED yourself, but didn’t LOVE yourself. if that is not the case i apologize in advance. it’s just not what i see in your eyes.

your sensitive/vulnerable nature, in combination with (what i see as) your not dealing with your trauma, did not enable you to make a distinction between those who wanted to take advantage of you, and those who genuinely were concerned about you. it was as if you did figure out who was taking advantage of you towards the end of your life; but your trust in people was so minimal that no one may ever know if you tried to heed their advice or warnings.

reading the synopsis of the testimonies was quite humbling. it gave me flashbacks to my own life. it was yet another lesson for me to work at healing myself and to work towards healing with others…. to stop and say, ‘is this person sincere, or trying to harm me?’

“I really feel that nature is trying so hard to compensate for man’s mismanagement of the planet.”

even if i did not see ‘this is it’ i am aware of some of the lessons you gave in the film. that was one of them. i am here asking you, as a student; in my belief that we are all a part of nature, with all of the use of pharmaceuticals and artificial foods and other substances we put in our bodies… was a cardiac arrest for you, nature’s way of letting you know there was only so much to take? were you working yourself so hard, trying to work ‘for the people’- for children- that you never took the time to check yourself out?

If you call out loud
Will it get inside?
Through the heart of your surrender
To your alibis

And you can
Say the words
Like you understand
But the power’s in believing
So give yourself a chance

And when you think of trust
Does it lead you home?
To a place that you only dream of
When you’re all alone

Better stand up and act like you wanna do it right
Don’t play the fool for the rest of your life
Work on it brother and you’ll make it someday
Go for what you want and don’t forget the faith

Look at yourself and what your doin right now
Stand back a minute just to check yourself out
Straighten up your life and how your livin each day
Get yourself together cuz you gotta keep the faith

what do we see when we see ourselves? is it a reflection of someone else, or have we looked within ourselves enough to see our own abilities? do we remain focused on trying to maintain justice for ONE person, or are we working towards actually CHANGING the system which treated not just that one person, but ALL of us unjustly?

our focus needs to change, and interestingly yet unsurprisingly, how your transcendence is being covered in media is a huge lesson in perspective and self-reflection.

thank you again, for bringing the lessons to us, even in spirit.

love, jamilah

Posted in childhood, children, economy, freedom, life, michael jackson, parenting, politics, transcendence, trauma | Leave a comment

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 98)

Posted on November 2, 2011 by jamilah

you are free from so much… or are you?

today is dia de los muertos- the day of the dead, and still, everything seems unreal right now. i suppose only the body leaves this earth, and one’s spirit or memory forever remains with those who continue to honor the spirit. i have been trying to write this to you for a month, and now, on this day, am i getting some space to do so. and i find it hard to do.

and because of everything going on, i have no qualms with saying you are not yet free from the earthly bondage. because so many of us are keeping you here, in how we choose to focus on the image, and not the teachings. because we still continue to have expectations of someone who was never able to meet them, even when you were here.

the thing which is hard for many to grasp is that you were never to be defined by anyone… so we have to hold on to something which makes us comfortable. it was not completely a case of ‘i don’t want to be defined as black or white’… that is a bit too simplistic. we are so conditioned to define/label ourselves that when someone exceeds, evades or transcends labels, we don’t know what to do with those people. so, even though, from what i saw (due to family, spiritual or other structural beliefs) you actually did adhere to some social traditions, there is only so far one can go with that, particularly if in the line of work you were in. and from my perspective, childhood trauma is a major factor in why you did the things you did in your life. as society doesn’t necessarily measure how one is affected by childhood trauma, those who have experienced it are ‘weird’ if they have not gotten over it after a particular age.

i mean, come on… you were a black man who loved the concept of disney world, and had a connection with peter pan… you owned a piece of land you called neverland and you let thousands of people a year in your home unconditionally, at the same time securing your home like a fortress. you hung out with kids and didn’t trust adults. you were a voracious reader and were knowledgeable in political issues, yet you were only somewhat public with that. you wore jackets with rhinestones and regal symbols, with pajama bottoms and run-down loafers. you were schooled by travelling around the world and at the same time scared to leave the house (for obvious reasons). you were like a big kid and at the same time, a parent. in a world which did observe skin colour, you were the most famous black celebrity who lost his pigment. in continents where racism/prejudice surely exists for folks of a darker complexion, those continents recognized you as a black man. for someone who was conscious about what he put in his body, you consumed KFC and a number of pharmaceutical drugs.

it’s IMPOSSIBLE to define who you were as a person. i don’t see the point in even attempting, which is why i choose to focus on the teachings.

and of course, because of the trial of conrad murray, you are still connected to this earth. never will there be a day in this lifetime where your name will be uttered fully in relation to the teachings. it will, as far as i am concerned, forever be uttered in connection with: (a. thriller. (b. your sexuality. (c. plastic surgery. (d. drug use. with that, it’s difficult to know where to go as a student, in a world which doesn’t see you as a teacher.

within the month, of course, much has happened, making it even more difficult to navigate life as a student. my mind stays on one thing regarding your transition- how you were essentially left to die. you see, to die is different than to transcend. on earth, to die is to not be able to exude light wherever you are. to transcend is to move on to another world, where that light still exists.

even though i absolutely love hearing your voice- that midwestern cadence which never disappeared, and tone which deepened and slowed down with age; i do my best to remain distracted, so i don’t think of your voice… that voice which remains shrouded in death. i do my best to just laugh as much as i can, to dance, to sing loudly, to write… because if i stop the voice returns. whenever the voice returns i yell silently, i make sounds out loud; i clench my fists, squeeze my eyes shut and hit myself upside the head. i just want it all to STOP. if it doesn’t stop i start to cry. i try to remain distracted, but because of this trial people continue to ask me about it. frankly, i have not been following the trial because it’s too painful to follow… to see the images, to hear the tones. to relive the day.

the image i saw of you- the one i said that gave me closure… the one i told you was filled with such beauty: that image of you post-transition, which i’m sure people were frightened or saddened by… where there was no hair, no makeup, no affectations… that image now, by hearing your voice has opened everything back up, returning to that day the world stopped, if only for a moment…. to all the confusions, arguments and theories surrounding what happened, when no one really knew for sure.

i can’t even say i know what has been going on. everything seems so wrong now.

i can’t remember the words verbatim if you asked me, but the tones, the cadence remain lodged there. and i hate it.

“We have to be phenomenal. When people leave this show, when people leave my show, I want them to say, “I’ve never seen anything like this in my life. Go. Go. I’ve never seen nothing like this. Go. It’s amazing. He’s the greatest entertainer in the world. I’m taking that money, a million children, children’s hospital, the biggest in the world, Michael Jackson’s Children’s Hospital.”

listening to your voice actually reminded me of the time i went to visit my grandmother in a home many years ago, shortly before her transcendence. i wanted so badly to speak with her about our family history but whenever i went to ask her, she nodded off. the little she told me was so interesting. i knew there was so much to learn from her, but i didn’t want to interrupt her rest. i also remember at the same time i was reading a book about the correlation between human slavery and treatment of non-humans.

in my grandmother’s calmness and wisdom though, i heard only a shadow of your former self in your speech. it was as if you tried your best to hold on, but could not. there was a defiance in your last days as you worked to keep up appearances, but were dying outside, and even inside. no one could EVER know what you were actually experiencing.

hearing this audio, it’s as if everything we previously believed is washed away. again, i don’t even know what to believe right now. every time i hear your voice it’s a waking nightmare. it’s ringing louder and louder and i can’t get rid of it.

you were on ‘unknown’ drugs, it has been said. if you actually were, what are the reasons for conrad murray recording you on his phone? some have said it’s evidence in order to not criminalize himself, due to the argument that you were taking a lot of other drugs other than what was given to you by murray. if this is the case, why not do a basic check to see if everything is running well? instead of recording you, could he have made sure you did not choke on saliva, or check your pupils to see if you were okay?

some people say to me that because you desired to take all of these drugs, there is no need to be hard on murray. whether or not you were dependent is not the point for me. if indeed you WERE dependent, then it is supposedly murray’s job to ween you off the drugs. if indeed you were taking drugs behind his back, murray should quit, as his relationship with you as a doctor no longer granted him the opportunity to protect you as a patient; since if you WERE taking drugs behind his back, the patient then had control over the doctor. clearly you did not need him. if indeed he was aware you were on other substances before he distributed propofol or anything else to you he should have quit his role as your doctor, in order to echo the values on the first credo of the hippocratic oath of doing no harm.

knowing the little i know about this case, and about the events surrounding your transition, my views have not changed: SOMEONE WAS THERE TO MAKE SURE YOU DID NOT MAKE IT. i thought i was so sure who it was at some point. now i am not so sure.

what you said on this recording made me very sad for two very distinct reasons: one is, the fact that you even said what you had to say is a shame. it was as if you had very little faith in yourself and your talents. you had to openly assure YOURSELF that you were the greatest entertainer in the world. i mean, you sold out 50 SHOWS IN A NUMBER OF HOURS! the way this economy is, i don’t think people would shell out some of their money for nothing. i think people had confidence you would put on the best show you could. i don’t think there would have been a need to outdo yourself, or compete or compare yourself with anyone else. as much of a perfectionist you were, people would not expect anything less.

again, this is coming from me as a student, so i give credit to the teachings more than your performance. the performance to me, is simply a method of bringing the teachings to the world. i acknowledge you having the same sentiments in interviews you gave, but the recording was like an off the record comment you most likely would never want revealed to the public- the idea that you were scared, or had little confidence in your abilities. this ‘drug induced truth’ is far from surprising; it’s just sad.

i acknowledge i could be ‘reading too much into things’ regarding what you said… i’ve also never been in your position of influence- nor would i ever want to be. though again, in studying you, my thoughts on it don’t seem to be too far off.

the other reason why the recording made me sad is that around the time i heard it, was the time troy davis was murdered (by the hands of the u.s. government (via the supreme court) and the georgia parole board). despite evidence that could have proved his innocence he was on death row for 19 years and murdered on 21st of september- the INTERNATIONAL DAY OF PEACE. he was pronounced ‘dead’ at 11:08 pm. the man who witnesses stated most likely was the killer of police officer mark macPhail (sylvester ‘redd’ coles) is most likely still walking around. i don’t think i’ve ever been that invested in watching televised footage as i have been on that day, to hear this news. i stayed around at work hours after i was finished, to watch it. it was absolutely devastating. there were people around me who comforted me, and showed signs of sadness and anger as well.

days after the murder, i went to work, not able to get my mind off this event. not surprisingly, most people were not aware of the event. i ended up crying at work, getting hugs and comfort from strangers.

even though both your situations are vastly different, i know you know what it feels like to be accused of something and dragged through the system, despite evidence contrary to the accusation.

the dreams you had of creating a hospital with the money you’d make from your tour, and the hopes you’d always had of world peace were not unlike the hopes troy davis had. somehow though, he seemed to be more at peace with himself than you. he said before he left this earth:

“the struggle for justice doesn’t end with me. this struggle is for all the troy davises who came before me and all the ones who will come after me. i’m in good spirits and i’m prayerful and at peace.”

contrast his words with your own:

“don’t have enough hope. no more hope. that’s the next generation…” i cannot tell if you’ve given up on yourself, or the existing generations. it was as if you were saying this was the last of what you can offer the world was this series of shows. it was as if you were looking for one last glimmer of trust in anyone. i’m receiving a lot of mixed signals, but one of them is not optimism.

and to know that you never came to terms with any sort of true healing with your trauma… that hurts. it hurts to hear you say you still hurt (especially in your slurred speech) because you “didn’t have a childhood. i had no childhood….” despite openly saying in, for instance, your oxford speech, that you were working towards healing. you said that sick “children are depressed” because they don’t have game rooms or theatres to take their minds off of their sicknesses, so you wanted to provide that for them.

people don’t understand how difficult it is to heal from trauma. it is an extremely long process, where it’s possible to go through relapses. we’ve already discussed this. like, right now i am doing okay, but what if next week, the ‘visitor’ comes back?

what you said makes me think of these words, from an unreleased (in the states, anyway) song you did, ‘shout’:

Ignorance of people purchasing diamonds and necklaces,
And barely able to keep the payments up on their lessons,
And enrolled in a class and don’t know who the professor is,
How low people go for the dough and make a mess of things,
Kids are murdering other kids for the fun of it,
Instead of using their mind or their fist, they put a gun in it
Wanna be a part of a clique, don’t know who’s running it,
Tragedy on top of tragedy you know it’s killing me.
So many people in agony, this shouldn’t have to be,
Too busy focusing on ourselves and not His Majesty,
There has to be some type of change for this day and age,
We gotta rearrange and flip the page,
Living encaged like animals and cannibals,
Eating each other alive just to survive the nine to five,
Every single day is trouble while we struggle and strive
Peace of mind’s so hard to find.

The clock is ticking, the end is coming, there’ll be no warning,
But we live to see the dawn.
We’re disconnected from love, we’re disrespecting each other
Whatever happened to protecting each other
Poisoned your body and your soul for a minute of pleasure,
But the damage that you’ve done is gonna last forever.
Babies being born in the world already drug addicted and afflicted,
Family values are contradicted.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, the pressure is building and I’ve had enough.

and of course, there is ANOTHER glimmer of the teachings, even in moments of despair:

“i’m gonna do that for them. that will be remembered more than my performances. my performances will be up there helping my children and always be my dream. “

kenny ortega actually stated something similar under oath during this conrad murray trial:

“(you)… wanted to do it because (you) felt now more than ever, that (your) music applied to our world situation. ‘earth song’, ‘will you be there’, ‘heal the world’ and other songs and (you) wanted to use the stage as a platform to remind people the importance of us doing whatever we can to take care of this planet and each other.”

unfortunately, i don’t think most people WILL remember or acknowledge you outside of performance. with all the people who consistently ask me to ‘moonwalk’; whose faces display confusion when i tell them i am a student; to those who say they love you and are not even aware of the majority of your art or works… and those who say you CANNOT be a teacher simply by the nature of you being a performer- it’ll be a VERY long time before the world recognizes what you intended and hoped to do with your talents and gifts.

it’s unfortunate that so many moments of clarity you had were OFF the record, and were in moments of despair, sadness or under the influence of something like propofol.

i’m gonna be honest with you, michael. one of the main teachings is to question your teacher, right? okay. sometimes… well, MORE than sometimes, it upsets me that you tried so hard to please so many people. you had these brilliant moments like the second half of the ‘black or white’ film, or much of the HIStory album, and then you made some sort of public apology for the art you made. those who loved and appreciated what you did understood. there was no need to apologize for anything. that got you into some trouble in some ways.

you were so fearless in some ways (particularly in NOT defining yourself and answering to people), and fearful in many more ways throughout your life (because you did answer to people WHEN YOU DID NOT HAVE TO). it’s so sad that in the few years and moments before you left this earth, you saw the fear melting away- a sort of coming to terms with your impermanence, which is a symptom of losing that fear. perhaps it’s because it became clear what the industry has done and was continuing to do to you, that you felt you had nothing to lose. perhaps it was fatherhood. perhaps it was the culmination of the 1993 and 2005 trials. i don’t know what was going on in your mind. but the last few years of your life were certainly interesting.

i will always ask you this question: you spent so much time trying to ‘heal the world’ and take care of all the children in the world, did you spend time actually taking care of yourself? yes, as much as i respect you as a man and learn so much from you i have no problem with telling you that you upset me so much of the time. looking at you though, i do end up looking at myself and knowing i have to work harder to deal with whatever traumas i have experienced. again, it’s VERY hard. and i know i am extremely hard to deal with at times. and i know YOU were difficult to deal with. anyone who denies that about you has never had to intimately deal with anyone who has not healed from childhood trauma. it’s pretty easy to tell just from watching your body language and manner of speaking that you were.

i also have no problem in saying that because you hadn’t truly dealt with your trauma, people were able to take advantage of you throughout your whole life. seeing your body language with quincy jones during the period where you were seemingly most influential in the industry, it was as if he were a geppetto to your pinocchio (to use an example you may be familiar with). i can’t help but continue to think about you winning all those awards in 1984, and jones embracing you… he picked you up as if you weighed nothing. also seeing him sit next to you as you were interviewed- it was as if you spoke on command. just like when you were at motown.

the period where your speech publicly seemed to be freest was right after you left motown for epic, and after the invincble album. the period where you appeared most free musically was during the dangerous to HIStory periods. after that, it was as if you used your art to warn people about what was happening to you, and the world. your art became sort of apocalyptic and dark. the innocuousness of ‘beat it’ was gone. even the paternity suit tale of ‘billie jean’ seemed innocuous in comparison to, say, ‘superfly sister’. it was as if you were prepping yourself to say, ‘i’m not really going to compete with the type of entertainment folks really want today. i am only going to go there so much.’

the whole concept of ‘this is it’ made sense in that way. however, i see it as unnecessary and excessive. AGAIN, i am speaking as a student who is perfectly fine seeing you give a speech on how you view the world. i respect you more as a political voice (and a man outside of song and dance) than as an entertainer. you really did not need to present a spectacle to show how important you were, particularly as a social and political figure.

to me, the fact that people in the fan base focus on media describing your perceived ‘strangeness’ or calling you ‘jacko’ is distracting; and continues to give that very media power. it’s more important to pro-actively strive towards the teachings, and not focus on words any media organization will conjure up. you will always be considered strange, by virtue of not being able to be defined by any one standard. a focus on the words is a continuation of the spectacle: one i cannot utilize energy on focusing on.

“i’m gonna do that for them. that will be remembered more than my performances. my performances will be up there helping my children and always be my dream. “

my hope is that those who truly love and respect you will acknowledge this. if in fact, ‘THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT US’, why would we not work to create NEW media which speak to true healing, as opposed to simply complaining about how media don’t care about us?

with that, i return to ‘this is it’… i already boycotted watching the film (or dealing with anything regarding your name posthumously) due to the SONY association- i STILL consider it disrespectful for those running the estate to sign a large $250 million deal with the company, after the antagonistic relationship you ended up having with them. after akio morita (head of sony in japan and major advocate for you) transcended, it was as if those who worked for the company dove in like hawks and utilized every chance they got to squeeze whatever you had dry. anyone who researched the history of SONY is also aware of the history john branca (current co-executor of the estate) has with the company. also, in actually READING THE AEG CONTRACT, i knew something was off. i SERIOUSLY do not think you read the thing, because if you did and signed it, then i’d SERIOUSLY question that.

and BECAUSE the contract was incredibly off, there was an initial CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT in order to safeguard against anyone questioning the validity of the contract. i don’t concur with everything in this piece; however, there’s some stuff on the legal terminology on this contract:

http://vindicatemj.wordpress.com/2011/03/29/michael-jacksons-agreement-with-aeg-a-contract-or-a-letter-of-intent/

i’m not an expert on contracts, but i read the AEG contract before i was even aware of the above piece, and i could see inconsistencies immediately. i immediately thought it was thome who read it, or was aware of the details, and had you sign it. this article actually states what my hunch was when i read the contract.

“Since a hypothesis that AEG didn’t know how to make contracts doesn’t hold water, the only other explanation why this agreement was masquerading as a letter is that it was an intentional and fraudulent method to force Michael Jackson to put his signature under it.

Someone wanted very much to pass this document for a piece of preliminary correspondence and make the Artist think he was signing a letter of intent only – the terms of which are far from being final and can be renegotiated at any time – while in reality the follow-up text included many details which made the obligations taken by the signor of the document legally binding on him.”

from reading the piece and comparing it to reading the contract- i STILL maintain that you got cheated and were forced into doing these shows. IT WAS ALL A SHOW, and i wonder if you were even aware of it.

like… how many of us get fooled into believing in this facade of a two-party system? or the myth of this nation actually being a democracy? the situations are different but the message is the same: THEY. DON’T. CARE. ABOUT. US. you said it, you lived it. we are ALL living it.

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 97)

Posted on July 31, 2011 by jamilah

all of these fluctuations are entirely frustrating. to never know when the depression is going to come on; and to not know when you’re going to fall to the bottom. and when you fall to the bottom, it’s as if you’re never going to get back up. you’re relatively happy, and the next moment anxiety has taken over, where it’s impossible to deal with day to day interactions.

i hate this feeling so much, the unpredictability of it all. people have suggested meditation, therapy… i have done these things, and they may calm things slightly, but the anxiety is so high it cannot be contained. the part of the brain which gives one the ability to cope just shuts off. this can happen from a couple of days, to weeks, to months.

i saw this thing the other day- it read something to the effect of ‘are you seeing a therapist, yet are still depressed?’ i read that and thought to myself, someone understands… i’ve seen various therapists and counselors over the years, and the same pattern happens. the only way i can describe all of this is that you become two different people… i don’t exactly recognize myself when i am this other person, despite this person existing in my life for years. she is like an unwanted visitor.

when she shows up, there’s not much i feel… everything is hollow. when the ‘visitor’ shows up, the person who usually resides gets evicted, and is essentially a ghost. so i have to do things to myself in order to know someone else is there.

And who gave you the right to scare my family?
And who gave you the right to scare my baby? she needs me
And who gave you the right to shake my family tree?
And who gave you the right to take intrusion, to see me?

and so, i hate this period, where you have to start your life all over again. you take second-by-second steps to make sure you never return to the bottom, knowing very well there will be a time you will. you just don’t know when, since anything can trigger it. you have to again, pick yourself up in a world which does not understand. you have to move in a world and pretend nothing has happened. this can be, and has been another trigger which has sent me to relapses. i’m just not good at pretending.

i saw a film yesterday, about a man who wanted to cut off his arms… he spent most of his life feeling this way, in secret. when he became upset he went in the closet and whispered to himself, “there’s nothing there”… the closet (of course) lends to a double meaning: not only was the closet a place of safety and familiarity to him in, again, a world which does not understand, but the closet also represents the secret he’s had to keep, in order to not be ridiculed by even those he loves.

he met with rejection from people, who said he was ‘crazy’ and ‘weird’. his mother was in the picture, but we are never aware if she is aware of how he felt. he spoke of the desire to have no arms since the age of 8; and those feelings would go away every once in a while, but he would enter relapses. everything he said sounded very familiar to me… right on down to the body language.

his distrust of most people and his fear and anger at being touched a certain way were familiar to me. to live with this fear for so much of your life… for people close to you to be familiar with some semblance of it (like his wife was in terms of him going in the closet to hide), but never know the extent of your fears.

the film alluded to the main ‘protagonist’ as having body integrity identity disorder (or BIID), but this was not the main focus. the film was more about acceptance, and love. to be loved and accepted by someone without the fear of, as he said, “say(ing) the wrong thing”… not losing anything if he said “too much”. it was important for him to know he could “lose those things (job, house, car, marriage, etc.) and be okay.”

again, i recognize this fear of revealing “too much”. of never knowing if people are going to truly understand and accept you, even though they say they do.

i’m not familiar with BIID at all, and wondered if it was the same or similar to body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). it is not. while BIID is solely about a desire to amputate (or lose use of) one or more limbs to feel ‘whole’:

Individuals with such desires to have a limb amputated, unlike those with BDD, are not concerned about the limb’s appearance. They do not perceive their limb as inherently defective, and they are not ashamed or selfconscious of it. Rather, the distress appears to center on the feeling that the limb is not congruent with their sense of self.

http://biid-info.org/BODY_DYSMORPHIC_DISORDER:_SOME_KEY_ISSUES_FOR_DSM-V

The term Amputee Identity Disorder, suggested by Furth and Smith was a precursor of the term Body Integrity Identity Disorder, although the later is more accurate and representative of the condition.

Most people who have BIID report memories related to the condition going back to early childhood, often before the age of 5.

It should be noted that people who have BIID do not chose which impairment they desire. They don’t wake up one morning and think “Oh, I want to be a LAK today.”, or “I think it would be dandy to be an L1 paraplegic”. For most people, the body image far precedes the understanding of what an amputee, or a paraplegic, etc is.

http://biid-info.org/Body_Integrity_Identity_Disorder

…someone with body dysmorphic disorder is preoccupied with a body part, and wants to change it. the preoccupation with that body part may lead to depression and, alas, suicidal thoughts and attempts. here are some of the symptoms (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/body-dysmorphic-disorder/DS00559/DSECTION=symptoms):

Preoccupation with your physical appearance
Strong belief that you have an abnormality or defect in your appearance that makes you ugly
Frequent examination of yourself in the mirror or, conversely, avoidance of mirrors altogether
Belief that others take special notice of your appearance in a negative way
The need to seek reassurance about your appearance from others
Frequent cosmetic procedures with little satisfaction
Excessive grooming, such as hair plucking
Extreme self-consciousness
Refusal to appear in pictures
Skin picking
Comparison of your appearance with that of others
Avoidance of social situations
The need to wear excessive makeup or clothing to camouflage perceived flaws

i do not know for sure if BDD is something i have, but i do know that if i had access to a bunch of money years ago, i would have done a rhinoplasty procedure… i used to hear so much about my features when i was a kid, that i ended up hating my nose, and other things. i also wished i had a longer neck. for years i used to obsess over photos of, say, women in the ndebele tribe in south africa. the women are just so beautiful.

but most of all, i hated (and still do) the parts which ‘identify’ me as ‘female’. i have no problem with being a woman, i just want all the parts to go away. this is really difficult to explain. you see, i also obsessed for years over that initial post-supremes album cover of diana ross, where she looks like a starving child, or a little boy. i still obsess over it to this day.

this is where it gets tricky, or why i don’t like to talk about it… because i know people would not understand, or call me ‘sick’… why i have been ‘in the closet’ about all of this. i don’t think how she looks there is in any way attractive. i don’t intend to starve myself (because i know i would never get to the point that photo is at, even if i tried). but ever since i encountered puberty, i wanted everything to disappear. i don’t mind people hugging me, but there is a certain way some people do it, and it makes me move away. i hate when people want to hold on to my waist. or when people comment on how i look. i always wanted to be flat-chested and skinny, with no evidence of ‘womanhood’, so no one would look at me. if i was, i could just disappear. that’s how i always felt, and still feel. granted, there are people who fit that description who are happily married, have jobs they like, are healthy, have friends who support them… still, more than anything, i harbor a (not so secret anymore) desire to look like the woman on that record cover.

i do not know if you’ve ever been technically diagnosed with BDD. what i do know is that you’ve worked to maintain a certain image of yourself, in terms of age and character…. with the heavy pancake stage make-up, ala vaudeville and silent film performers… the need to change how your features look, as you’ve said, to please your father… it is sad that those who are ‘supposed’ to love us find ways, in our minds, to prove the opposite.

with that, even if you haven’t been diagnosed, it’s easy to see how you could be. people always want to accuse someone of hating oneself in terms of ‘race’, before looking at how it comes down to how one feels about oneself. sometimes, in the body you were given, it feels like a shell. this is not always about vanity. those who criticize may not acknowledge how obsessed they are with, as i spoke about before, the ‘externals’… those who criticize do not necessarily look at the effects of familial and societal abuse.

it’s not easy to live in a world, where you feel like a ghost some of the time. when you never know when the ‘visitors’ are going to come back. you just say ‘it will be better tomorrow’ and just hope that is actually the case. you sit and take baby steps. you hope that, if the ‘visitor’ does come back you are in a place where people understand, and that they help you to walk through it.

right now i’m in a very sensitive place, where she left to go impatiently sit in a corner of my body. she’s rocking back and forth, waiting for a trigger to happen. sometimes you can tell when she’s completely gone… right now she is not.

one thing i like to do is sing, in order to know things are still there…

i practised more singing before i went to bed the other day, thinking maybe this would help get rid of the visitor… when i sing, i acknowledge that much of what i experience is fear. i have a paralyzing fear of singing in front of people. my voice freezes up. that time we did the show for you and i sang, i was not there. there was someone (or something) else which took over, in order for me to do what i did. in my everyday interactions though, when someone asks me to sing for them, i cannot do it. i need to know there is no one else around in order for me to use my ‘true’ voice.

that said, i haven’t yet found my ‘true’ voice, but i still like to practise, to work on my breathing. working on it serves as a sort of catharsis.

if only the visitor will come down and sing with me, that would be the best thing. whenever you’ve had ‘visitors’, did you sing to them? what was your way of communicating with them?

i’m still trying to navigate this whole thing.

love, jamilah

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michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 96)

Posted on July 28, 2011 by jamilah

michael, i can’t shake the feeling that you’re upset with me somehow. it goes to two things: the first being your insistence that you have never had a desire to end your life (that is, of course, unless you were told there were no more children in the world). thew other being that there actually HAVE been some who either committed suicide or attempted it, upon hearing of your transcendence. as you know, i was heartbroken by it all, but i never once thought of ending my life because of it.

it’s hard to live in a world which continues to stigmatize suicide; where it’s thought of as selfish or done just to get attention. rarely is there an actual discussion of how unbearable life can be for some… the same aspects of life others can just deal with. i don’t know anyone (and i’m including myself here) who takes the consideration of ending a life lightly. it can be something thought about for months or years- and no one else would even know.

no one else would even know how lonely it is in a world you can’t even make sense of.

How does it feel
When you’re alone
And you’re cold inside

when no one even knows, and just assumes you’re ‘having a bad day’. so they laugh it off and say, ‘oh, it’ll get better.’ when you want to be able to talk to someone, but you work and live in a place which is not necessarily conducive to asking for any sort of help of this nature… where people drift away at the mere inkling of despair.

Mask of life, feelin’ insane
Swift and sudden fall from grace
Sunny days seem far away

where every day is a struggle to even leave the house… where every day is a struggle to even say ‘hello’. where you DO seem insame, and wrong for feeling this way, when everyone else is smiling and laughing. where you think you will never see the sun. people talk all around you and yet you are absolutely alone. you have not isolated yourself from the world, and yet, you are alone.

Happy days will drown the pain

when will those happy days return… when you can get out of bed and look forward to doing whatever it is you always love to do. when you can laugh with the rest of the world around you.

when you’re down it’s so hard to get back up; trying hard but running into doors that shut

i keep trying, i really do. i never want to be one of those people who ruin everyone’s mood, where they never want to be around me. i want to try so hard, and then the triggers happen. and it’s like everything i worked so hard for just disappears within seconds. to watch it all melt away is devastating. it becomes an unpredictable cycle. you learn to cope most of the time. but then you are triggered by past events, and you learn to disassociate.

you learn by either shutting down, or taking everything out on yourself.

i have indeed done both, but right now i am dealing with the latter. this is why i can’t stop thinking you’re upset with me.

How does it feel
When you’re alone
And you’re cold inside

i don’t know if you’ve ever experienced taking a knife to yourself and cutting. but it’s a feeling that gives you so much warmth and calm, when you feel so cold, in your spirit and in your body. to look at your wrists, your arms, and know that you actually feel something… that you’re not that alone… the scars show the life within you.

i never knew how to manifest my feelings or sensations in relation to what i was doing… “While self-injury may bring a momentary sense of calm and a release of tension, it’s usually followed by guilt and shame and the return of painful emotions.” (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775 )

ultimately, i feel conflicted about what i do, primarily because i am reacting to something that just will not go away. “self-injury has some addictive qualities, making it hard to overcome on your own.” (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775/DSECTION=symptoms) i have only told a handful of people about this. i suppose now, in this very public conversation with you, others will know.

indeed, it is very addicting. whenever i do it, all of the anxiety i had melts away. it literally melts away. i can feel all of the energy sliding to the floor, and i breathe a sigh of relief. the endorphins it releases- in even just thinking about doing it again- is addicting. for just those moments, even though you are deliberately causing pain to yourself… you have no pain.

this is what’s commonly known as self-harm (or self-injury), in terms of the mayo clinic page:

Severe scratching
Cutting
Burning
Poisoning
Carving words or symbols on the skin
Breaking bones
Hitting or punching
Piercing the skin with sharp objects
Head banging
Biting
Pulling out hair
Interfering with wound healing

i have done about five of these things at different points in my life; but predominately have stuck with the second and third act. i do it where people don’t even know. this is what i do whenever i’m facing an excessive amount of anxiety, or have the (suicidal) relapses. everyone tells me not to kill myself, but i’m not sure of where to go. people won’t talk to me. so i just do this in order to deal with my thoughts.

sometimes i wonder if any of this has to do with a chemical imbalance. i found this (http://www.brainphysics.com/self-injury.php ) along my journey to find some semblance of an explanation: “People who self-injure are often found to have higher rates of anxiety than those who do not and research has reported that most people who self-injure have a diagnosable anxiety disorder. Research has also reported that people who self-injure have reported higher rates of physical and emotional abuse in childhood than those who do not. ”

it makes me wonder if others in my family have dealt with self-injury for years, without informing anyone about it. this is something i had been doing for years, and now i’ve made the decision to be public about it, in this conversation with you.

so why do i think you are upset with me then?

some would argue that, because of your experiences with rhinoplasty (as well as opting for a cleft in the chin) you are performing some type of self-mutilation. even though i think those operations were directly related to whatever trauma you experienced as a child; there is a fine line between altering you appearance (which is a very public announcement of your decisions) and say, cutting or bruising yourself (which in many instances is very private). altering the looks you came on this earth with are not necessarily connected with depression.

but have you ever starved yourself? have you ever used food as a means of control? i have a bit of trouble thinking there was some way you didn’t try to ‘control’ the pain you’ve felt due to trauma. sometimes i watch you when you speak, and i could tell you have not pro-actively dealt with what you went through; and such a figure as public as you, knew you couldn’t reveal every detail. but you spoke about what you could, and STILL the world did not understand. people defended you frankly because, well, you’re YOU. you are looked at as the ‘icon’ and not the man. but imagine if you were some man on the street talking to himself. you would most likely be a statistic- or even worse beaten by the police until you were no more on this earth, for ‘resisting arrest’. even people who say they love you, could never know the extent to what pain you (or i) feel.

studying your behavior and casing over the years; you initially sort of carry a look of innocence (even in the face of trauma); after a certain point everything about you hardened… there was a certain point where you looked older, yet at the same time looked younger than your years. this is very hard for me to even explain in writing. you looked hardened by experience, yet ageless. this could not be proven more than when, on the day of your transcendence, people were in shock of your actual age.

there is a type of mask people who have dealt with trauma have to wear in order to even deal day to day. as a result of the trauma you become more than one person. you become the person everyone sees you as (the ‘performative’ state); you become the person who is incapable of dealing with ‘the outside world’; and you become the person who shuts down from the world. these may give someone an ‘anti-social’ appearance. there is the assumption that this person is mean. most likely what is happening is that someone is dealing with a complex post-traumatic stress disorder. according to judith herman, these are the instances on most likely suffers (http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/cptsd.html):

A history of subjection to totalitarian control over a prolonged period (months to years). Examples include hostages, prisoners of war, concentration-camp survivors, and survivors of some religious cults. Examples also include those subjected to totalitarian systems in sexual and domestic life, including survivors of domestic battering, childhood physical or sexual abuse, and organized sexual exploitation.

it isn’t hard to make the connection between this situation, and many people who experience high levels of fame. we see increasing rates of people encountering fame at rates quicker than people used to… as well as these same people acting out ‘alter egos’.

i already mentioned to you about the state of music these days becoming detached… it would make sense if indeed, these artists were actually programmed. i didn’t see you necessarily having a literal alter ego (aka beyonce). but i DID indeed see the dissociative behavior within you… the idea that you were ‘peter pan in (your) heart’ did not come out of nowhere.

when you spoke of your trauma, people did not connect everything else around it, and just assumed you were crazy or immature. what happened to you as a child, and even when you were at the height of fame during the ‘thriller’ period were indeed different degrees of trauma-based programming. people thought it was cute that you wore the sunglasses; however, if one were to look into those enormous, deep brown eyes of yours they’d see something very sad.

even berry gordy acknowledged this programming in some way, when he stated that you and your brothers being signed to motown engendered “the last big stars to come rolling off (his) assembly line.” was the abuse you and your brothers by your father even an issue with gordy, if that trauma was to make him a lot of money? it is interesting, certainly, that motown was home to individuals such as marvin gaye, tammi terrell and florence ballard, who endured traumas such as rape and (emotional/physical) abuse. due to it’s obvious ‘nature’ disney is consistently looked at in relation to trauma-based programming (http://nesara.insights2.org/Monarch.html) yet the varying degrees in which other ‘corporations’ (IF you know what i mean) contribute to that programming are not as emphasized.

people look at ‘celebrity’ or the paparazzi as being the cause of these disassociative behaviors, without examining the role government plays in aligning itself with media. returning to disney for a moment; people look to the 1943 production ‘education for death’ as proof of walt disney’s anti-nazism. looking a the history behind the film though, i still qustion his intent. disney was under government contract to produce this and other films, since he was running out of money, and a significant portion of his staff went on strike, as they were not credited in the films. gerard c. raiti explains the politics behind such films as ‘education for death’ (in comparison to modern media) in the essay ‘the disappearance of disney animated propaganda: a globalization perspective’.

describing the main character’s journey from being ‘free’ to being brainwashed/programmed, the narrator of ‘education for death’ states:

Manhood finds him still heiling and marching. But the grim years of regimentation have done their work; now he’s a good Nazi. He sees nothing but what the party wants him to see, he says nothing but what the party wants him to say, and he does no more than the party wants him to do. And so, he marches on with his millions of comrades, trampling on the rights of others… for now his education is complete. His education… for death.

this is not just nazism you can refer this to… this “regimentation” is done in popular cultural in general. when we choose not to unplug ourselves from the ‘hidden in plain sight’ programming, we are dying a spiritual, cellular and psychic death. we no longer engage each other, nor do we question the world around us. we just become ‘good consumers’.

in marc eliot’s book, ‘walt disney: hollywood’s dark prince’ it is explained, amongst many things, that:

‘The trouble began early in the year, in January, when Disney sent producer Jerry Sims to Washington to finalize plans with the Bureau for a two-minute ‘Mickey Mouse Club’ newsreel of a group of children touring the Bureau’s D.C. headquarters. Sims submitted a preliminary script to an FBI agent identified as Kemper, who dutifully passed it on to Lou Nichols, the Bureau’s head of public relations. Nichols reviewed the material and initially approved the venture. However a week later he apparently changed his mind when he returned Kemper’s report with a message scrawled in ink across the bottom that read “i don’t think we should.” Kemper then called Sims and told him the bureau would be unable to assist on the project.

“When Walt received news of the FBI’s turndown he phoned Hoover to find out why. Hoover told Disney he would personally look into the situation and ask his close friend Clyde Tolson, the Bureau’s assistant director and second to command, to investigate the matter. Tolson ordered a complete review of what had now become in FBI headquarters as the ‘Disney Situation,’ after which he reaffirmed Nichols’s decision not to cooperate with Disney.”

you can check for more quotes from the book here: http://ce399fascism.wordpress.com/2011/05/10/walt-disney-nazi-sympathizer-spitefire-ftr-301/

walt disney and berry gordy actually have a lot in common regarding the companies they created… they both considered everyone involved to be part of the illusion of ‘family’, and programmed everyone as such. those who protested were ostracized. and also like disney, because it was a ‘family’, you were not to complain about the low amount of pay, or royalties.

as the great elder and ancestor gil scott-heron said, we deal in too many externals. that said, never can we deal in proper methods for true freedom from the ‘cult of personality’ or, from the programming of trauma. due to our refusal to remove ourself from our conditioning and just complaining, we have encountered a whole generation only familiar with ‘american idol’ and autotune. never will they have known anything else, unless there are elders in their lives to help them.

we deal in too many externals… where people only look to ‘thriller’ for inspiration in terms of reaching success, but never find inspiration in the teachings beneath the linn drum and guitar lick.

Lift Your Head Up High
And Scream Out To The World
I Know I Am Someone
And Let The Truth Unfurl

and we can never become someone… unless we refuse to be programmed to believe that others are supposed to validate our existence. we have been programmed to believe that we can become the ‘next… idol’.

No One Can Hurt You Now
Because You Know What’s True
Yes, I Believe In Me
So You Believe In You

this teaching (yes, teaching, one of the few teachings on the ‘thriller’ album) mirror’s one of martin luther king’s greatest statements:

“Believe in yourself and believe that you’re somebody… nobody else can do this for us. No document can do this for us. No Lincolnian emancipation proclamation can do this for us; no Kennesonian or Johnsonian civil rights bill can do this for us. If the negro is to be free, he must move down into the inner resources of his own soul and sign with a pen and ink of self-assertive manhood HIS OWN emancipation proclamation.”

and of course he was assassinated, since he publicly questioned the programming he was a part of, amidst the admonishments of his community and peers. and like martin luther king jr., some people thought you were shaking things up a bit too much when you decided to openly speak on the institution (of racism, of ‘money’, of trauma).

for black people like gordy to rarely, if ever publicly acknowledge the traumas we continue to face, due to the ravishes of enslavement stay with us to this day. for gordy to encourage an environment which worked to promote assimilation served its purpose in the larger scheme of things (unfortunately); but gordy selling it off to a white-owned company in the 1980s reads miles about how much he was about developing people into a market, as opposed to recognizing those people as having distinct personalities- and pain.

and of course, like disney, cultural critics observe how gordy transformed a people as being part of the ‘american cultural fabric’. but at what price did people have to pay to get there?

motown’s decision to create an ‘assembly line’ structure (evoking racist henry ford) contributed to our struggle as black people to never engage our communities regarding trauma. ‘black people don’t commit suicide; that’s just not how we do. suicide is a white people’s thing’. even if, statistically, ‘we’ never engaged in suicidal behavior prior to being shipped to this country, we still must acknowledge the trauma that continues to occur possibly because of it.

when you decided to go public with your trauma, a whole bunch of black people claimed it was you being influenced by ‘white people’. never will some people acknowledge that abuse is very real, and very painful. never will some people acknowledge that emotional abuse in some ways is more scarring than the physical. you can hide the physical, but how you feel about yourself due to certain words being ingrained becomes apparent.

‘well, black people, that’s what we do. we beat our kids.’ we can never acknowledge the possibility that this attitude was ingrained in us due to colonialization. ‘that’s what we do’? was there some research done, stating this was the case? does anybody just by way of nature, beat their kids until they are bruised, or tell their kids they are ugly or stupid? THIS is supposed to build character in a world that already doesn’t see value in us?

when i see you, i see the scarring. i see the effects of that trauma, because it’s more common than we choose to acknowledge. in many ways, you were the public face of the ‘hidden in plain sight’ effects of it. because you had access to a lot of money, you channeled the trauma in different ways; ways which appeared to be a ‘detachment from reality’ to many. ultimately, it WAS a form of detachment, but not in the way others come to think of it. even though you were very clear in your reasoning for, say, creating neverland; people still do not make the connections between your actions and the trauma you faced. and the fact that you never pro-actively dealt with/healed from them is a crucial part of the narrative.

and STILL, why do i think you are upset with me? because i find it hard to pro-actively deal as well. it’s not as if i’m doing a good job at healing myself, before i can go and ‘heal the world’.

don’t even feel like seeing kids because of how i am. i don’t want them to see me. they could not even make me smile. lately i’ve been even feeling that in this state, if i ever were to give birth to a child i’d suffer postpartum depression so bad… i don’t even want to consider the possibilities.

when i am here writing/talking to you, i feel a sense of comfort. because it’s just me, and you, and my thoughts. but at this point i have an intense fear of going out into the world, going to work… and having to explain why i’m feeling what i am feeling. people laugh, they do not want to talk. so i’m frozen. so i deal with it by putting hot matches to my wrist, in order to feel warmth. in order to see the cells on my skin move and change. when i don’t feel that, i feel cold, ‘alone and cold inside…’ i look at my arm and see the results of that, and it makes me feel like i’ve accomplished something. because at this point, i don’t feel very motivated to do much else. i feel like whatever else i’m going to do, everything else i had planned, is just going to fail. and i don’t know why.

and because you are somewhere else i don’t know if you even hear me. i’m not able to communicate with you in a way where you could respond in kind, so all i have is these words. all i have is this format to tell you i apologize for letting you down if i have, and that i love you.

love, jamilah

Posted in africa, children, freedom, life, michael jackson, parenting, politics, transcendence | Leave a comment

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 95)

Posted on July 26, 2011 by jamilah

two years and one month to the day of your transcendence just passed… this month went by faster than the last. that could be all there is to this conversation with you michael, but i am using this very public conversation with you to try to make sense of my own feelings, my own grief. you see, before i came here to speak with you i was very close to phoning a suicide hotline- instead, i phoned a friend.

i came to a crossroads; on my way home from work i seriously prepared in my mind how i was going to do it… i would either let myself get hit by a car, or i was going to go upstairs and jump out of a window. no matter how many years i thought about doing it (or even the times i attempted it) maybe once in my whole life have i ever considered calling a hotline. and it was that one time where i decided not to. i just didn’t want some stranger knowing my business, or trying to walk me out of it.

but just now, something snapped in me. if i didn’t call someone… anyone, i wouldn’t be sitting here telling you this.

i hardly, if ever, use the phone; and now seemed a better time than ever to use it. i wanted more than ever to call my mother, but i knew she’d be in bed. i didn’t want to leave her a message that i was planning to kill myself. i called my sister, hoping she’d be up, but her phone was off. i really needed to talk with someone, but i wished to use the hotline as a last resort. i wasn’t sure who i could call… i felt desperate, but at the same time i felt a sense of shame. i felt (and still feel) selfish for even wanting to do this, and thinking about it. i feel entirely stuck. i feel horrible for having these thoughts, and at the same time i feel i’d have a sense of relief if i did it.

i keep looking at websites to try to make some sense of all this. on one site was a test (not a diagnosis) (http://www.add-adhd-help-center.com/Depression/depression_test.htm) to see if you suffer from depression:

My future seems hopeless.
It is difficult for me to concentrate on reading.
I feel sad, blue, and unhappy.
It takes great effort for me to do simple things.
I feel like a failure.
I feel lifeless — more dead than alive.
I spend time thinking about dying.
I feel trapped or caught.
I have lost or gained weight without trying to diet.
The joy has gone out of my life.
I have difficulty making decisions.
I feel low in energy or slowed down.
I have difficulty concentrating and making decisions.
I often feel blue, even when good things happen to me.
I feel worthless and inadequate.
I have lost interest in aspects of life that used to be important to me.
I have thought about wanting to kill myself.
I get frightened or panicked for no apparent reason.
I have crying spells, or feel like crying often.
I am restless and can’t keep still.
I feel anxious.
I am agitated and keep moving around.
I feel fatigued.
I am more irritable than usual.
I have difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep.
I wake up early in the morning and cannot go back to sleep.
I have trouble sleeping through the night.
I don’t care about being attractive to women/men.
My mind is not as clear as it used to be.
I feel useless.
My life is empty and without meaning.
I feel that others would be better off if I were dead.

i took this ‘test’ and i got 30 out of 32 of these qualifiers… i have been feeling lately that i have nothing to look forward to, and i don’t like feeling that way. so much that made me happy doesn’t give me much joy anymore. all the projects i’ve been doing and have wanted to do, i don’t feel inspired. i feel at a loss as to how to deal with any of this. and so much of the time (particularly within the last few days) i feel as if there is no other alternative.

i don’t have the ‘thick skin’ like you did, michael. it’s always something that’s snapped in me since i was a kid. again, i don’t know if it’s a chemical imbalance or what. are some people more susceptible to a ‘suicide gene’ than others, when dealing with stress or trauma? i do not know.

all i know is that i hate feeling this way.

i didn’t know what to do, so i called my friend jim. i told him i didn’t know what to do, and i was two steps from calling a hotline. like you, jim is a virgo, and interestingly, i heard a similar pattern in some of the things he said, and things you have said.

he spent an hour and a half on the phone with me. i can’t really tell if he was trying to keep me alive, or just trying to calm me down. at some points what he said was calming, and at other points i became triggered again. as he was speaking with me i considered hanging up the phone, climbing on the roof and jumping. i considered banging my head against the concrete until my brains splattered all over the place. my mind was racing.

there were some things he said which let me know he understood though. he was working to get me to focus on meditation, where i envision a light inside of me- this is something i’m a bit familiar with, since i have experienced this in meditation before. not often, but i have. the thing i connected with was him speaking a lot about my need for love and attention… before i considered ending my life tonight i thought about how, even though people tell me they love me, i don’t necessarily feel wanted. i’ve been feeling really distant from people, and not wanting to be around them. i feel like i’m only in the way whenever i’m around. i feel really bulky and clumsy. with that, i get irritable and depressed. i feel as if i don’t really have anyone i could really sit and talk to…. someone to commit their energies toward me, and i to them.

jim told me to focus, and know that all those other people were not needed, because i would have fulfilled my own desire for love and attention. i’m not saying it as well as he did, but how he said it was quite healing. another thing he said which stood out was ‘nothing in this world is as real as the love you have within yourself.’ he said it was okay to sit and let all of these feelings of sadness happen, but to know that the love of myself is bigger than the feelings. he continually had different variations for that one sentence; still, it moved me when he said that. so much of the time i wanted to just say, ‘i wish i could believe you.’ to just even get up and say i LIKE myself is a huge feat.

with everything he said, it made me think of the tape you sent to akio morita (the head of sony) when he was sick. the tape was played for him for six years, by his wife. her memories of your visits and friendship are here: http://www.akiomorita.net/en/contents/episode/005.html

please get better, please get better now… you are a very, very strong man mr. morita. I BELIEVE IN YOU. ‘every day, in every way; i am feeling better and better.’ repeat these words in your deep subconscious mind… i love you mr. morita, and know that the whole world loves you and needs you… especially me.

to think of the possibility that mr. morita held on for six years listening to this healing tape is very encouraging. the fact that jim said something similar may perhaps help me too. right this moment i am still struggling immensely to even want to sit here right now, still thinking about ending it all. but i am trying very hard. i cannot thank jim enough for even taking the time out to sit with me and just walk me through this, in his own way.

with that, even though i know you said many times you’ve never considered ending your life under most circumstances; i do wonder if you had any opportunities to sit with anyone when you were in a lot of pain…. if you had that one person (or several people) in your life to walk you through your grief. my hope is that you did.

love, jamilah

Posted in life, michael jackson, transcendence | 2 Comments

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 94)

Posted on July 25, 2011 by jamilah

today is the first full day without little michael… throughout my own sadness and sense of loss i wondered how anna is doing; if she got up this morning and smiled at her new friend. if her day became just a little brighter… as bright as the rare proclamation of sun that shone on this northwest day.

and i knew that if i am going to work at healing and preventing relapses, i need to keep occupied, i need to be outside- in that sun.

so i did take up the opportunity to accept the invitation to go to the river. it’s been a number of years since i’ve been to the river (and even longer since i swam). a huge factor in me not going is indeed, fear. as much as i love water (and being in it) i hate people looking at me. i hate the way clothes stick to your body when you get out of the water, and people can see the outlines of what you look like. it’s too close to being nude to me. i don’t even like taking off my shoes, since i hate my feet. and then you have to roll up your trousers, and people can see your legs. i just don’t like people seeing any part of me, if i can help it.

i actually don’t get hot very often, living in this part of the country. being from new york (and having been to the south), the northwest just does not get hot. warm, yes. hot, no. not the kind of hot where, after you’ve taken a shower, you go outside and have to take another one. there’s no scorching heat mixed with 95% humidity. so yes, i still wear a sweater in this ‘summer’ climate, when most people are walking around in shorts complaining about the heat. you can attribute part of this to how i feel about my body. i would not deny that i have conditioned myself to live in the summer heat, covered up. the thing is though, i have always been ‘cold blooded’ for as long as i can remember.

when we got to the river site (i went with two others), there were many opportunities for me to have a relapse. the cliffs were steep and i must admit i thought about what it would be like to jump. i thought about what it would be like to be hit by a car at that moment. i’ve been hit by a car plenty of times in my life, but interestingly, never during a relapse.

i walked passed an opossum who was hit by a car (or few). her jaw was pulled back by the impact of the hit(s), and you saw the teeth and muscle. the eyes were concealed. there were a few flies fluttering about, happy to have some sort of work to do for the day. i stopped and said a few words for the opossum, then walked towards the river.

the river was already filled with people by the time we got there. children were playing; one girl in particular was captivated by the “live fish” she saw. she kept exclaiming how there was a live fish in the river. she continually tried to capture the moment by surrounding the fish with what looked like a small float. families floated by on air-filled rafts and tubes, lazily pushing themselves with paddles.

despite my self-conscious fear of going in the river, i decided to roll up my trousers, take off my boots and walk in. ‘how many opportunities do you get to go to the river?’ i asked myself. i took those initial steps in the freezing water, allowed the time in the water to acclimate to my own body temperature, and i watched the sand and small branches travel between my toes. i sat on a rock, read a book and watched the sun beam down on us all. i went back and forth between resting on a blanket on the sand, and returning to the water.

needless to say, it was something i needed. to be in the sun is good, since exposure to it increases levels of vitamin d. and an increase in vitamin d may mean less of the relapses.

upon our return to the ‘city’ we listened to songs on the radio. i don’t listen to the radio so i’m never aware of any latest trends or artists. what i did hear, indeed made me very sad. stylistically, everything was uniform. i suppose you could say this was the case with the influx of the beatles’ influence, or with disco. however, i would dis-agree with you… because all of the artists were indistinguishable. everyone lacked character, because their voices were shrouded in autotune. EVERY SINGLE SONG we heard was produced with autotune. there were many songs played, and yet the artists’ names or the songs were not announced. i suspect since the same 12 songs are played, there is no need to back announce. but for someone who is not familiar with this culture of music, it would be nice to know how these artists distinguish themselves from one another.

in terms of subject matter, it all came together, as to why everything was so uniform. so many of the songs spoke of armageddon as if it were a trend. ‘if i die young’; ‘let us dance until the world ends’; ‘i’m gonna party because tomorrow may never come’… after such a positive day in the river, hearing these words not only made me sad, but yet again triggered that internal sense of doom i’m already struggling to heal from. i felt frozen, unable to do anything about it; because i hadn’t openly spoken about what i’ve been dealing with to the people i was with.

the uniform cadences and the lack of human emotion in the voices were symbolic of some sort of mind control program. as the voices inform us to party away, our homes are being raided by police, and laws are being created without our consent or knowledge. this way, we’ll be ill-prepared to defend ourselves on our own terms, but well-equipped to utilize the materials they give us in which to ‘survive’. these voices condition us to, again, maintain a lack of sensitivity to the energy around us. we become desensitized to how we treat each other.

there were more songs played, honoring this new sense of nihilism: love songs describing a sensation which is supposed to comprise of joy, as one which is diseased, poisonous, vindictive, vengeful, non-committal, ‘alien’, forceful/violent, coercive, detached, objectifying, egotistical… and these were supposedly PRO-love songs. not ONCE did a song come on honoring love as respectful, positive or committed.

and of course, as all these songs emanated from the car speakers, those words you wrote/sang IMMEDIATELY came to mind:

Love ain’t what it used to be
That is what they’re tellin’ me
Push it in
Stick it out
That ain’t what it’s all about

Susie like to agitate
Get the boy and make him wait
Mother’s preaching Abraham
Brothers they don’t
Give a damn

He wanna do
Something freaky to you
He wanna wrap his arms
All around you girl
He wanna do it up
Get it hot
Deep in the night
He wanna eye ball
Get hard
Playing it right

He wanna turn the key
Work the sheets
Move to the left
He wanna hot stuff
Hot love
Making it wet

Sister say she love him some
Got his Jimmy on the run
Mother’s preaching Abraham
Brothers they don’t
Give a damn

Johnny’s begging pretty please
Keep the brother on his knees
Susie likes to agitate
Get the boy and make him wait

Sister’s married to a hood
Sayin’ that she got it good
Holy Mary mercy me
Can’t believe the things I see

it also brought to mind those songs you sang so many years ago as a child: those songs i thought you were entirely too young to sing; but still, they were songs which lent to a moral conviction.

When we played tag in grade school
You wanted to be it.
But chasing boys was just a fad
You crossed your heart you’d quit.

When we grew up you traded
Your promise for my ring
Now just like back to grade school
You’re doing the same old thing

They’ll ruin your reputation
They’ll label you a flirt

The way they talk about you
They’ll turn your name to dirt…

interestingly, those songs were primarily messages for girls to not sleep around, but you could also use the same message for boys.

i purposefully do not use the words ‘women’ and men’ because the art/music popularized today does not reflect an adult sensibility. we’ve lost sense of what community represents, and taking responsibility for each other. before you left you saw remnants of some of this; but after you left it was as if people forgot the teachings. we are discouraged from continuing the teachings, because we all expect one person to ‘lead’ us, forgetting that we are all here on this earth for a limited amount of time. it is not up to one person to ‘lead’. i mean, there was even a line in a kanye west song played (where the theme ironically was ‘lights’ but was far from speaking about LIGHT ENERGY) where he said “MJ is dead”. something to that effect.

it was as if the message in all of these songs was: ‘michael is dead. we can finally finish the job we intended to begin, but we couldn’t because he got in the way of it.’

and THIS is why i do not listen to the radio. and this is why i will continue to promote your art as teachings, outside of a superficial ‘pop’ realm. granted, some of the themes in your art are not necessarily kid-friendly (we can look to the lyrics above for that); however, you have proven yourself to be more than your lyrics. i can only hope the artists ‘singing’ those songs have proven themselves to be more as well…. so that little ones like anna can grow to live in a world where respect and community are not anomalies.

love, jamilah

Posted in children, michael jackson, politics, transcendence | Leave a comment

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 93)

Posted on July 24, 2011 by jamilah

one of the main signs of someone wanting to commit suicide is that person giving away their possessions… i didn’t even think about that when i gave little michael to little anna… when i told a friend about little michael going home with another girl, she began to get worried.

you see, little michael was a companion of mine for four years, when he was given to me as a gift from someone. he went everywhere with me; someone was even nice enough to give him a bicycle to ride on (which is attached to my own bicycle), whenever i went out. but this little girl… anna. her eyes were so sad. she was incredibly quiet and introspective.

i asked this little girl her name; an adult answered as she looked up at me. i asked her if this was so, if her name was anna. without saying a word, her eyes assured me this was the case. the adult (perhaps her grandmother) asked if little michael was with her now. i responded that he was with me. i then asked anna if she wanted to go home with him. she shook her head no. i saw how she connected with him though, so i did not take him back. i was in the midst of running errands, so i left them together, and anna returned to her grandmother.

interestingly, a woman who sees me with little michael all the time was worried. she approached me and asked me if i knew there was a little girl hanging out with him. i told her i was aware she was with him. some time later i saw anna with little michael, and anna’s grandmother. i asked anna again if she would like to take little michael home. again, she shook her head no. the grandmother interjected and said that anna actually meant yes. with that i figured anna was shy, and did not want to seem rude in asking (or assuming). either that, or she just was not used to situations like this.

i then knew what i had to do.

I’m so sad you’re leaving
It’s gonna kill me
Not to be with you
But I want you to be happy
If parting’s what you want
Then I want it too

So goodbye with all my prayers
For your happiness in a world elsewhere
Should you arrive and it’s not there
Call on me…

i didn’t realize how difficult it would be to part with little michael. i am still crying as i write this. it was as if i lost a child… a friend. most people see him as just a doll; but i see four years of my life there with him. he really was a companion. people found me strange, fascinating… to walk around with a little doll. he was given to me as a symbol of kindness; and i knew i had to pass on that tradition. that is part of what the teachings are all about.

every time i turn around and see him not sitting there, i do feel like there is a void missing. like yet again, another person has left. at the same time, just to know of the possibility that one little girl could be filled with happiness because of this moment, makes me feel better.

i will always remember anna and this moment, with her sad eyes and her quiet demeanor. after little michael’s new home was established; when anna’s grandmother asked her to shake my hand, she looked at me and shyly brought her arm out, her hand curled up in a tiny ball. i took both of my hands into hers, and gently shook it. after this she looked back down to little michael.

there are many children who have played with him, and i am sure many wanted to take him home. somehow, something told me he needed to be with this little girl. i have shared many moments with him; but he needed to be with someone i felt would truly love him too. i do not know this little girl or her life’s situation… she looked about 5 or 6. and even at that age i felt a sense of loneliness coming from her. it could be a simple case of shyness she may later grow out of; but in her eyes was an intense sadness. i didn’t see her suffering from neglect. there was something else.

in experiencing all of this; despite any sort of hopefulness i may have felt in sharing this moment with anna, the day was spent in an intense sadness/despair of my own. it was especially difficult because i wasn’t necessarily in a space where i could grieve in any way. spending those few moments with anna, just as i spend many moments with other children, was just an intense reminder of the loss i feel for not having children of my own. i welcome all of these babies and young children in my life (and it’s a wonderful feeling to be surrounded by them at work); but i know they will soon go away, like everyone else.

i have also been trying to take things moment by moment, because for the past few days i have been working hard to not encounter another relapse. yes, this is what you may be thinking. and yes, this was why my friend was worried about me giving little michael to someone else.

i do talk about my history with suicide attempts with some, and with you i may have even alluded to it. but i’ve never gone totally public about it. until now, i suppose. it’s incredibly difficult to openly acknowledge this history. it’s incredibly isolating, because you never know who to talk to. since i was 14 years old, i’ve done everything from cutting my wrists to putting my head in an oven to riding in fast oncoming traffic- oh yeah, that actually happened about a week or two before you transcended… the smallest thing could trigger the thoughts, and the actions.

and so, yes… the other day i was teetering on the brink of all of this. sometimes you unconsciously get in a space where you block out people or things, in order to validate the reasons for wanting to end your life. i mean, it’s like a light switch. off and on. and sometimes that switch is actually a dimmer, where the desire shines brighter than other times.

so right now i’m just trying to talk it through, make sense of it all. there have been several times in my life i looked up the sites to help people who have attempted it, and/or are considering it. i did do this the other day as well. i don’t find the sites to be helpful at all. in fact, i see them as judgmental.

i’m just having an especially hard time dealing with loss right now. i know that being in an abusive relationship with a man a number of years ago; even though i thought i healed from that somewhat, i never really got a huge part of myself back. and even though i did a lot of work in healing the relationship with my mother, i know i focused on healing with her, and not necessarily myself.

and i know that where i am today, my whole body aches. it hurts to just walk sometimes, to breathe. just trying to make it day to day is difficult. it’s difficult for me to motivate myself to go and do anything. i prefer to just stay in bed all day. don’t really want to see people.

but i know i need to.

i don’t feel like i am pretending; but sometimes i do have to work extra hard to maintain a smile. sometimes it gets so bad where i can’t smile at all. but a lot of the time i have to work. i have been thinking about how some people perceive me as always happy or smiling.

the thing about smiling in times like this is that it’s not simply a reaction to something; it’s a state of survival.

If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

there’s only so far smiling will go though. there’s a point where you need to talk with someone, in order to have a place to scream, to cry… to just grieve. i know this may sound crazy or unreasonable even; but i am still in the grieving process with you. this process is off and on with you. i’m trying to listen to my subconscious which tells me to grieve at whatever level i need to and yet the guilt sort of kicks in that (a. i never knew you in person. (b. you left over two years ago (at this point). (c. i don’t want to be attached to the casing. it should remain about the teachings.

i am also still in the grieving process with barry. and all these other people seem to be leaving. it’s not easy. a lot of this, again, is triggering for me, and i am extremely frightened to go back to that place, despite being comforted by it at the same time. i don’t particularly have anyone to grieve with, which is the worst aspect about the whole thing. however, i find a little bit more of a space to talk with people about what is going on me at this moment.

i realized a few days ago that i need to do whatever it is i can to remain occupied, to keep my mind toward some type of healing process. if i don’t keep busy i would just stay in bed all day. i need to keep writing it all out, talking it all out. i need to constantly distract myself.

Everyone’s Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World’s
Got A Role For Me
I’m So Confused
Will You Show To Me
You’ll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me

ultimately, i just need someone to be there. saying all this stuff is a lot, but it’s a lot more difficult to even acknowledge what is going on, in the way i’m doing it now. you said that you had thick skin, and that you have never attempted to end your life (that is, unless there were no children on this earth).

In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tribulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I’ll Never Let You Part
For You’re Always In My Heart.

with that, i hope you understand… and i hope little anna will never have to experience what i have, and continue to, to some degree. no one should have to experience that. no one should experience ANY trauma.

love, jamilah

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michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 92)

Posted on July 20, 2011 by jamilah

as you know, these past few months i have been so troubled as of late; so confused as to how to approach things in relation to you. as a student, i have made the conscious decision to not close myself off from learning about the details of what’s been going on in relation to your transcendence… i am doing my best to not be guided by my emotions. HOWEVER! the sensitivity i have to peoples’ energies regarding your transcendence and the world at large is difficult to shake, and i find myself doubting where i am in this world because of it sometimes. it’s hard not to feel like a prisoner of this sensitivity, in particular when there are people who make me feel like i am. i’m still very new at recognizing the extent to which this specific sensitivity plays out in my life, even though i have always been sensitive to energies.

i’m not saying i am crazy (even though it feels that way sometimes)… living in this world though, we are made to not recognize the energies around us. and those who do are generally considered ‘schizophrenic’ or ‘delusional’. there are people in this world who have maintained the connections with the ancestors, and will always maintain an awareness of the damaging effects of the society we live in.

with all that i have made the decision to take it all in, step back and just observe. i know that whatever happens, in the end, the actions of those on earth can never tamper the teachings. i may not agree with some of the decisions you’ve made throughout your life (just as i’m not always happy with decisions i’ve made); still there is something to be said for intent.

this is ultimately what upsets me with the process of how the ‘estate’ is treating your artistic legacy: i do not see them paying respect to the teachings. they have separated the mind and body connection you have spent your life to represent and embody. it’s obvious you marketed yourself to present a certain image; there is a fine line between how you marketed yourself and how you are being marketed now.

if i were not familiar with your work at all until after 2009, i’d think you were only a song and dance man with no regard for the energy around you. how you are being marketed right now is a reflection of the marketing of de-sensitization. the corporation is now totally in control of how we see art. it has been that way for a long time; however, there were enough artists in the industry to keep the illusion that the artist was the most important factor in how a record sells. there was the illusion of ‘artist development’. we are encountering a society now which is based on nothing but instant gratification… and this is how artists are marketed. this is primarily what i speak against- not necessarily the fact that those running the estate must work quickly to repay back loans and creditors. yes that must be done; but really, there is such a thing as integrity in how they go about repaying these loans.

people say i take all of this too personally; that i am getting wrapped up in a situation i cannot control. again, this is about energy. this is about integrity. this is about maintaining the teachings. i take this very seriously.

we each are presented a blank slate in this life… along the way we are given a set of tools which may or may not connect us with other lives we have led. those who are sensitive to energies will begin to remember different variations of the tools, in the people or situations they encounter. when you are sensitive to energies, people in this life may seem familiar, despite the fact you seemingly have never met them. michael, seeing you speak… watching your body language; i have engaged many triggers which enabled me to recognize the tools i needed to use in order to do the true work of healing my own past. the key though, was in just using them. it was a very long journey, which led me to where i am today. the journey still continues.

it is always important for me to ask for guidance and assistance. so again, before i went to bed i asked if there was anything i needed to do… what my role was in this whole thing. remember, i am still new at it all… actually acknowledging my role as a student. it is a major role to play, in a world which conditions us to reject the teachings. i will probably stumble for the rest of my life.

when i got out of bed to go to work i had a revelation: one that had to do with ‘captain EO’.

before i get into that, i want to say this: before i went to work i struggled, looking for my glasses. i remember taking them off as i got into bed, and placing them on the table beside me. i tend to misplace my glasses before i leave, so this was nothing unusual.

i stopped looking for the glasses, thinking i would just go into work without them. it would be a bit of a struggle to see, but i’ve had to go around without glasses many a time, for various reasons. for some reason, i decided to look one more time… and the glasses were neatly placed on my bed, on the little blanket where lumbia rests (and she is resting there now). i do not know if this is an answer to the guidance i asked for, but i do know that it is definitely part of SOME sort of journey…

before i found the glasses though, i woke up with ‘captain EO’ in my head. i took this to stem from a conversation i had before i went to bed about the film, and ‘another part of me’, a song you composed for it. in my estimation, that song is about universal law: more specifically, the law of vibrational energy. the L.O.V.E. it is to me, your greatest teaching… a popular song which speaks to the interconnectedness of all species.

in the midst of the conversation, i recognized yet again how important energy is to conveying a message. even if what you say is difficult to decipher; the energy in which you deliver the message will resonate. the second verse of the song is consistently misinterpreted (thanks to there being no second verse printed on the original lyric sheets when the song ended up on the ‘bad’ album)- but that is the gift of (mis)interpretation. we are all able to decipher what the message means to us.

so… i went to bed with THAT message on my mind, but got OUT of bed with the OTHER song you composed for the film, ‘we are here to change the world’… and it hit me. you were doing some sort of ‘witnessing’. both songs in the film were a clear cross between your traditional religious practise and a more open spirituality.

‘we are here to change the world’ doesn’t even have that many lyrics; nor is it a long song at all. but the message is concise.

We’re on a mission
In the everlasting light that shines
A revelation
Of the truth in chapters of our minds

So long, bad times
We’re gonna shake it up and break it up
We’re sharing light brighter than the sun
Hello , good times
We’re here to simulate, eliminate
An’ congregate, illuminate

once again taking a dip into the wells of interpretation; i see a message here about spreading the message of JEHOVAH (the ‘mission’), and working to reach those who also believe in that message. those who have grasped the message (the ‘congregation’) will enter ‘paradise’.

i ALSO see a message of finding the connection between ourselves and GOD: “’cause the power’s deep inside my soul”… and this ‘revelation’ (which kind of lends itself to double usage here) of that connection will enable us to encounter ‘truth’ wherever we go. this interpretation of the song is where i tend to connect with. in all of the destruction in the world, we will seek and encounter truth.

and those who encounter truth will question the world around them.

in other words, michael, you took us to church, where we least expected it.

still, i don’t know if this is is something which is an aspect of guidance. i’m just going to take every bit and imagine it is what it is: a lesson. because after thinking about this song, i realized that no matter what humans here on earth do with your legacy- no matter how disturbing, how sad or upsetting- they CANNOT, in ANY way, take away the teachings.

and yes, still being here on this earth i acknowledge i will continue to be angry at what they are doing. i just have to remind myself that nothing is permanent. except truth. it’s the only thing which has remained strong over generations.

those who allow themselves to recognize energy will see truth. it has always been here, and it is never leaving. thank you again, michael, for reaching people in places we would least expect… as people dance to your music, the vibrations of the teachings you have made the decision to continue (from our ancestors) will never cease to resonate. you have made such a global impact, to the point where the teachings could never be ignored.

when you told martin bashir how you wanted to live forever (in response to whether or not you wanted to be buried) i instantly recognized what you were saying. surely, no one with the the type of impact you have made would want to be buried. surely, bashir and those who watched the interviews you did with him must know that even though the physical casing returns to the atmosphere, a soul remains, in many manifestations.

surely, people must know that we should not attach ourselves to the casings we come to this earth with… that said, in order for our souls to be in balance with the environment, we must treat the casings with love, as they still carry our souls in this life.

I Just Want You To
Recognize Me
In The Temple
You Can’t Hurt Me
I Found Peace
Within Myself

again, thank you. and i hope to do my best to honor the work you have learned from your ancestors… those lessons i have always recognized, yet you have taught so effectively.

love, jamilah

Posted in cats, dreams, michael jackson, transcendence, Uncategorized, universal law | 2 Comments

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 91)

Posted on June 26, 2011 by jamilah

“do you remember the time…”

yes michael, i remember the day as if it happened five minutes ago… somehow, it all came back to me, on this second ‘observance’ of your transcendence. from the moment i saw those three words they forever became stamped in my consciousness. i still cannot see them without breaking down. as you know though, the word ‘death’ holds a different meaning for me; as death represents a finality. ultimately i don’t think it’s your transcendence in and of itself which is the most painful to deal with… it’s mainly how it occurred. it’s the acknowledgement of the state of war we continue to live in. even if you were not shot down or beaten, you still left this earth violently.

in light of your transcendence we still do not acknowledge the interconnectivity of events. of course, interconnectivity is not always positive, since the root of interconnectivity is connection. i refuse to look at what happened to you as an individual case, since in my studies relating to this whole situation, there are many branches attached to the roots of the tree of darkness. that tree is the industry you were reared in. and the seeds from that tree continue to pollinate to the point where very few even bother to notice the visuals anymore.

we got so used to having you around, we took advantage. you became so sick that your roots began to dry out, and we didn’t even notice. you made that ultimate decision to relinquish much of that connection to the tree, and allowed the wind to blow you in whatever direction the wind saw fit. we thought you were crazy for doing that. we thought your art suffered because of it. but we didn’t acknowledge that once the connection to that tree dissipated, was when the teachings truly had an opportunity to shine.

i’ve studied you for so long, michael… but for some reason it’s all come back- the grief, the pain. the things which give most people joy bring me despair. “time has made promises… death… promises…”

it’s as if when you left, the tree became stronger. that tree which brings nothing but spiritual/psychic death. that tree which encourages us to only look at a certain image of you they want to sell. that tree which discourages self-reflection. you were like a dead branch to them. they work over time, using financial resources to encapsulate you in a certain era. you are but a glove, concealing the fingerprints of intergenerational-ism. you are but a jacket, camouflaging the heart.

the first thing i did when i got home from work last night was put on moonwalker. the moment the film began- with the echo of your steps walking across the stage, the light following your loafers. as the jingling and shimmering increase in sound, we see animated glitter coming from your socks. you stand still for a second, then the glitter shoots sparks unto your legs, giving you the power to spin and stand on your toes… this is just in the first 16 seconds, before the world is then presented with your name…. and the title.

“michael jackson… moonwalker.”

that first 17 seconds defined how you wanted us to view you as a popular culture figure; you were alone on this stage, and yet you produced magic which was larger than life. to be able to stand on your toes and ‘moonwalk’ are the illusions not many have been able to accomplish as well as you. but that is all they are- illusions. with that, i think the next 93 minutes examined your state as a man.

‘man in the mirror’ was the cinematic bookend of the life of michael jackson (the man) in this film; ultimately though we were shown the journey in how you got there, by way of being ‘michael jackson ™’. this is about exposing and examining the roots: to reflect in order to move forward. ‘man in the mirror’ was a perfect introduction of, not only personal self-reflection, but it displayed a crucial skill in educating while assuming the role of ‘entertainer’. in watching this clip i often wonder if people are actually listening to the words you sing, amongst their screams.

i noticed earlier today, when you sang the chorus of ‘man in the mirror’ you emphasized the word ‘no’, in the line “and no message could have been any clearer”. my hope, again, is that your message, your teachings… have not been left unheard by those who love you. and even those who don’t. as the song continued to play, and footage of protests and starving children were juxtaposed with images of you and the thousands of fortunate fans, i began to cry. it’s still taking some getting used to that you. are. not. here. perhaps you are the fortunate one, since you are no longer here to physically observe the roots from the tree of darkness expand and colonize.

as ‘moonwalker’ continues its cinematic journey, we are shown the charisma; the work ethic; the talents which afforded you the success to be able to present the teachings to the world on the level you did. from the moments with your brothers, to your achievements as a young adult, up until the time of the film’s release- this is where we begin to see the mind of the man.

and where the film becomes a bit troubling. the interview you did with shmuley boteach a number of years towards the end of your physical life is one of the lenses through which i see this film:

I am going to say something I have never said before and this is the truth. I have no reason to lie to you and God knows I am telling the truth. I think all my success and fame, and I have wanted it, I have wanted it because I wanted to be loved. That’s all. That’s the real truth. I wanted people to love me, truly love me, because I never really felt loved.

I said I know I have an ability. Maybe if I sharpened my craft, maybe people will love me more. I just wanted to be loved because I think it is very important to be loved and to tell people that you love them and to look in their eyes and say it.

i have discussed this before, michael; but yes, it’s pretty easy to tell this is the purpose for this film. despite all of the adulation there’s a lot of pain in each frame. what i saw was not you necessarily even dealing with self-love… it was about working through interpersonal issues… particularly with your father.

i look at ‘moonwalker’ from the lens of someone who also dealt with childhood abuse/trauma. there are parts of the film i cannot watch because of it. i cannot watch ‘the way you make me feel’ because it conjures up images of a gang rape fantasy; i cannot watch portions of the centerpiece of the film, ‘smooth criminal’, because it involves violence against both women and children. and you.

despite this, i also see the film through a lens of cultural critique. ‘speed demon’ (my favourite segment in the film, directed by will vinton) is indeed indicative of your desire to be loved, but it’s also, in many ways, a constructive look at how you view yourself through celebrity culture. it’s a look at how empty this culture actually is, when we value status above all else. everything melds together when you are able to morph into a dozen celebrities. you no longer become a being of substance. when you’re racing against the gazes of cameras and autograph hounds, there has to be something more substantial in life than that.

‘speed demon’ giving way to ‘leave me alone’ (my other favourite segment, directed by jim blashfield) is an absolutely stunning reflection of the vapidness of celebrity culture. interestingly enough, this was around the time when you wrote the letter in 1987 stating you “cry very often because it hurts and (you) worry about the children…”

being that you had to ‘ok’ everything you worked on before it was officially released, the fact this film exists is amazing. the song, on a naked listen, does indeed talk about a relationship between a man and a woman. of course, like in many cases the ‘girl’ is used as a metaphor- in your case, it’s the press. why this short film amazes me so is your basic acknowledgement of your working with the press to create a certain image of yourself. “there was a time i used to say… i need you…” even the dig on the rhinoplasty had me chuckling a bit; the nose flying in the air with the scalpel. i don’t know about anyone else, but i think the fact you let that slide in the film does show your humorous side.

and of course, the result of this film is to show your dissatisfaction with the way the relationship with the press turned out. it’s no longer reciprocal. the film is like a little joke to yourself- but you let us all in a little bit. blashfield and crew did study your life carefully (or at least worked closely with you), since they captured the relics perfectly- the peacock, the elephant, the llama… the cover of the dangerous album (done by mark ryden) captured a little of what this film did, but with darker imagery.

‘leave me alone’ was a battle between humanity and the roles which limit and imprison us. for all the adulation you desired, it came with a price. the film is a clear nod to swift’s ‘gulliver’s travels’ and the satire it entails; however, the ‘shipwreck’ in this case is indeed celebrity culture (and the focus on the external), and the lilliput residents are the people and institutions which see you as larger-than-life, but ultimately entrap you, keeping you around for a show. in order to keep the interest of the people, a little manipulation is used, by way of creating spectacular stories.

and keeping with the journey of ‘moonwalker’, you have committed treason by speaking out against your life of relative comfort… by speaking openly of your suffocation. to see you in that wonderland of ‘circus’ attractions was fun for sure; but it was simultaneously suffocating, to know the one thing you loved (the amusement park) was allegorical for the trappings created by man for our pleasure. it was incredibly satisfying and freeing to see the last scene, where you broke free from your body being used as a moral playground by others. amidst all the destruction you looked up at the sky and said ‘i. am. a. man.’

in my mind, ‘leave me alone’ was the centerpiece, as it was the one which merged between your private and public selves. ‘smooth criminal’ was a much darker aspect of your mind. it was a study in the repercussions of abuse, be it familial or societal. it also was the other bookend of your life as a man- the belief that one person can take steps to change societal wrongdoings.

aside from the obvious odes to certain films, i can’t help but wonder if you are openly processing and reflecting on your childhood by showing the violence, not just with the guns, but the type inflicted on yourself, one of the women in ‘club 30s’ slapped around by what is most likely a pimp, and on katie (played by kellie parker). watching these scenes trigger a lot for me, in relation to my own childhood; so it is difficult for me to sit through these scenes (as i mentioned). i also wonder if the reference to frankie lideo (played by joe pesci and an obvious play on frank dileo- michael’s manager at the time’s name) has to do anything with the government placing drugs in various communities. for lideo to run an army is pretty significant; for lideo to order that army to hunt down one man for discovering their operation is even more significant.

to bring your point home about your constant recognition of roots; ladysmith black mambazo conclude the film with ‘the moon is walking’. it’s about a man, reflecting upon where he comes from… it’s the rhythms of the body which contain truth. i love watching the combination of sounds with the choreography of both ladysmith black mambazo and scenes from the film. with all of the paranoia, violence, sadness and destruction in the film, it’s comforting to have the film close with the sounds of the motherland, just as the film opened with the spirit of the motherland.

needless to say, watching that film took a lot out of me, and so it was really difficult for me to watch anything else, without breaking down.

which is what i ended up doing all day, on the 2nd observance of your transcendence… i spent the day reflecting on what your teachings mean to me, and it really did hurt to know you were not here to have those teachings coming from you right now. i cannot interpret them in the way you did, and i don’t even know if i’m doing them any justice. i don’t want to seem selfish for breaking down two years later… i just want the grief to be over.

i stayed in bed a bit later, got up, cleaned my room a little bit, and broke down crying several times. i don’t apologize too much (unless i actually did something to hurt someone) but i found myself saying out loud, “i’m sorry michael, i don’t want you to see me like this.” i don’t know why i feel like i am hurting you. i can’t explain it. i cannot explain why I am hurting.

i figured i’d go and ride my bicycle… blast your teachings on the little speaker. i won’t cry then, there’ll be people around…

of course i was wrong. i cried, particularly when ‘heal the world’ was on… the line “if you care enough for the living” triggered my tears… you may be physically gone, but your light lives on. i know this.

i remember singing loudly to ‘man in the mirror’… a truck drove past me, and a young adolescent boy stared at me, with his head out of the window. i could not tell if he was sympathetic, or if he thought i was strange. i smiled at him, and he just stared back. he didn’t frown, he didn’t smile… at another point in the ride, a woman looked back at me and said “that’s a good idea…” i can only think she was referring to this day of observance, and the speakers playing, and the little michael sitting on the miniature bicycle. yes, i was ‘observing’ this day; however, i wish there was a way to let people know i observe your teachings every day…

in the midst of all this i began to wonder about the actual reasonings behind your transcendence… this is the painful part. if indeed it was murder (which i believe it was) why would you be murdered? was it political? was it thievery? is it simple, is it complicated? how much of a hindrance were you really, enough to take you away from your children? at what point did you become a hindrance?

the patterns seem so clear… still, none of it SHOULD make sense. for all intents and purposes, ‘moonwalker’ is another example of ‘biting the hand that feeds you’- with the ‘bad’ album, you see an awareness begin to publicly bloom.

it was with ‘dangerous’ however, where the cracks became entirely evident to those who did not see them back in 1987.

listening to a radio show with min. paul scott, i heard a conversation about an ‘illuminati’ actually not existing… ‘illuminati’ is actually a title made into a reality by those who continue to use the name; ultimately it comprises of a series of groups such as the bilderbergers. i do concur with that to a point… we give too much power to these individuals by bestowing the title ‘illuminati’ upon them. they present the illusion of enlightenment when in fact those people in those organization are very dark individuals.

as you’ve studied extensively on egypt and the notion of the power of holding secrets and knowledge; i’m sure you knew that these people studied the same things as you, and flipped the energy around. people may have narrowly critiqued ‘liberian girl’ (originally composed around 1983) as holding the motherland up as some disney-fied concept (in some attempt to maintain a black audience); but when ‘remember the time’ premiered, black people of many interests stood up and paid attention to what you were trying to say. was the all-black cast another attempt (to the industry) of ‘biting the hand that feeds’? for a man who is publicized to be ‘non-threatening’ as a performer creates a scenario which is a direct challenge to the world in which your friend elizabeth taylor starred in…

you know where i am getting with this.

this is why ‘black or white’ is so powerful. the contradiction between the two parts of the film are powerful. after the first half which speaks to a sort of palatable ode against racism; for a (black) man publicly viewed as asexual and apolitical to transform from a black panther, to touch himself and simulate masturbation (come on, yes), and THEN to pull up the trouser zipper and smash things is indeed powerful. and threatening to the corporate and societal structures which opt to control black sexuality and anger. it is one of the most brilliant pieces of art you created.

you are certainly off to a great start in 1991, michael. with that, in 1993, they found you a threat to children. sexually. coincidentally.

back to the ‘illuminati’ thing for a moment. on min. paul scott’s show, there was a discussion of the critique of ‘illuminati’ actually being a critique of the white supremacist structure. again, this is something i concur with. and of course, with race being a fabricated structure in order to stabilize a failing economy (hence, the private prison industry, slavery, etc.), anyone who challenges the notion of white supremacy can never achieve long term success.

i’ll take that back- anyone who challenges the notion of white supremacy by creating solutions can never achieve long-term success. the clearest example i can give here is martin luther king, jr. he began to make connections between the government/taxpayer-funded war in vietnam, and what is happening to black and brown people in the states. he began to make calls for an autonomous black economic system; which meant not financially supporting white businesses which did not recognize the humanity in black people.

of course, many black people thought martin luther king was crazy to make connections, and to speak out against war. black people warned king to not speak out against the good president who made provisions for da black peepahls. and like many people before him, and many after him, martin luther king jr. didn’t want to represent massa no mo.

so he had to go. can i make comparisons between you and king in this case? i believe i can. because there have been so many black people who took a look at your externals, and they completely believed what the (white) press has said about you, concerning your relationship with children, and the relationship with yourself. there were many who believed you hated your blackness simply because of what you looked like, without hearing what you had to say, as well as taking a look at your actions.

there were those who warned you against saying what you had to say; to just simply shut up and be an entertainer and sing and dance. when they heard you speak about white supremacy, either through speech or through movement, people claimed it was just to get attention. people could not handle that a man who’s lost his pigment could actually represent the motherland, in word and in deed. that a man who spent his life dealing with self-esteem could actually love his people, beyond any personal issues he’s had with himself.

we just have a hard time with acknowledging that things may not be so- i will say it- black and white sometimes.

So you call it trust
But I say it’s just
In the devil’s game
Of greed and lust

You’re saluting the flag
Your country trusts you
Now you’re wearing a badge
You’re called the “Just Few”
And you’re fighting the wars
A soldier must do
I’ll never betray or deceive you my friend but…
If you show me the cash
Then I will take it
If you tell me to cry
Then I will fake it
If you give me a hand
Then I will shake it
You’ll do anything for money… Anything
Anything
Anything for money
Would lie for you
Would die for you
Even sell my soul to the devil

Want your pot of gold
Need the Midas touch
Bet you sell your soul
Cuz your God is such

If you show me the man
Then I will sell him
If you ask me to lie
Then I will tell him
If you’re dealing with God
Then you will hell him
You’ll do anything for money

and with ‘HIStory’ (the second half of the album which people slept on of course); i wonder if this was more of an impetus than ‘black or white’ for ‘the hand’ to watch you even closer. you directly attacked the white corporate structure; you attacked white-owned media; you attacked the government; you attacked the white financial empires all in one album. for a man who’s supposed to be apolitical to call out j.p. morgan and rockefeller by name on your album… i think i even heard the name rosthschild. i have no qualms with saying you were targeted.

and yes, even by sony. they were sitting there waiting for you to implode… ah! there’s the ‘they don’t care about us’ controversy… then there’s the drug scandal… then there’s the lack of promotion for ‘invincible’… then there’s the SECOND charge of child endangerment and molestation… then there’s the… money problems, and sony i’m sure has been waiting for another 25% of the publishing you co-own with them. collateral is a powerful thang, isn’t it?

you have to have a strong spiritual resolution to deal with these devils; and i truly believe you did. it is indeed a gift too, even after the roots of darkness worked overtime to kill your spirit; as weak as you may have been you rose to the occasion.

they were watching you, and they clearly planned to run you down in order to sell to the public the image they hoped to maintain of you- but those who know have not forgotten. they may have killed you, the man “with the tune”; but we will never forget.

and as a student i will do my best to make sure no one forgets.

love, jamilah

Posted in africa, children, economy, freedom, michael jackson, politics, transcendence | 4 Comments

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