it has actually been a trying day, dealing with so many people…  and here i am in my 100th conversation with you.  anyone else reading this may look at this as a one-sided conversation; i suppose it can be seen as some sort of ‘confessional’; all it is to me though, is a conversation between a student and a teacher.

could my time be better spent speaking with someone who is physically here on earth?  i suppose so.  i don’t mind speaking with you in this way though.  i have a lot to work out in my brain, and it’s also a way for me to discuss the teachings in a way others will hopefully grasp.

again, how do i navigate this, without isolating myself or sounding arrogant?  i have to keep asking this, because i continually get frustrated and lonely.  today, for the first time in a long time, i thought to myself ‘i am going to live the rest of my life alone’.  how i process life, and how i process you is so different from how so many others process everything.

despite acknowledging the impermanence of life, i became so spoiled knowing barry would always be there supporting me, even when he left town, or the country.  i just KNEW he would always be there, to just listen to me and bring me back to earth when i needed it.  when he left this earth, i realized just how fortunate i was…  even though i have wonderful people in my life, all of these people are either too tired/busy/committed to a relationship/etc. to give me the attention i desire.  as busy as barry was, he was such a devoted friend.  he made time for everyone and made them feel as if they were the only person in the world.

this is not an easy skill to have; and it’s not easy to find people in your life who have this quality.  with that, some people may find this to be the reason i am speaking (in writing) to some guy i will never physically see.  if one is a spirit, they have plenty of time to dedicate to committing themselves to a person, right?

the thing is, this is not the reason i come to you at all as a student.  i sincerely have questions, and do trust that as a teacher, you can guide me in some way.  all i can do is examine the teachings you brought to us when you were here; and if you feel i as a student am disrespecting the teachings, i trust there will be some signs of dissatisfaction.  spirits are powerful beings and they do not get credit for their power.  spirits can see so much around them, and unless we are truly in tune with our environment, we are going to ignore the power of our ancestors, our loved ones, our friends…  our teachers.

all i can do as a student is be guided by the energy.  i can feel whichever direction it flows.  i am highly sensitive to energy, and i was DEFINITELY feeling it earlier, at work.  i don’t know what you were feeling (or, what or how much in the spirit world you feel)…  i am sure though, there was such a shift in energy in my world, due to the focus on you, directed at me.  it seriously affected my mood for a period of time…  it affected me so much that hearing your voice- your singing voice as a child- made me so sad.

all day…  i have never had so many people, so many strangers come up to me and speak about you…  not since that fateful day in 2009.  there were so many people asking me what i thought of the trial, my thoughts on murray…  there were more than a few people who saw the shirt, the button, the little michael, and asked me what the ‘theme’ was about…  there was a person who asked if it was the anniversary of your transcendence.

it was all a little too much to take.

i wish there was a way people would understand that THIS IS MY LIFE…  this is not fandom, this is not something i play with.  this is not me playing ‘dress-up’.  i wish there was a way we could change the culture to be more critical of popular culture, so that we could have a more serious study of peoples’ lives and works, so that we wouldn’t just assume people are celebrating ‘themes’.

when i tell people about this whole thing being my life, i don’t feel as if people take me seriously.  no, i don’t define myself by my being a student; however, being a student comes with responsibilities, thereby making it about the teachings, and not the person.  we ALL have the ability to be teachers, and popular culture perpetuates the idea of the power dynamic of student (who knows less) and teacher (who knows everything).

i am at a loss as to how to deal with the ‘outside world’ regarding me being a student.  i have committed myself to them, and i feel that others who have committed themselves to the teachings as well are, again, too busy/tired/committed elsewhere (or to other people).

i read where you wrote little notes to your fans…  i have seen them- they are full of sincerity and gladness that you are appreciated for what you do.  in those notes though, i sense a grave sadness; a desire to have any sort of companionship, and a real conversation besides the trivial, or about your music or role as a celebrity…  words like this make me sad:

everything about it is so sad…  feeling energy through the walls?  despite any sort of connection made, there still has to be a barrier between yourself and the fans.  and others.  i get it; it doesn’t make it any less depressing.

this is what i feel when i have these ‘small talks’.  that people don’t want to talk to me about you as a person; you are just a caricature to them…  just a dude who does ‘thriller’, and sings and dances all day.  no one speaks with me about you as a person with feelings, a heart.  a family, friends.

what exactly is a friend to you?  i’ve seen you write that your fans are your friends…  people you’ve worked with on an album.  even mannequins.  i am clear that you have cherished friendship where you could find it.  but what did that mean to you?  did you really feel you didn’t have friends in your life?  and you were kind to your fans, but how exactly did they view you?  how did you see them as viewing you?  do you think they were really trying to share a friendship with you, or were they fulfilling some sort of fantasy, based on how they imagine you are?

“i am living for you…  for the children.”

it just makes me sad to see that.

i see these notes juxtaposing with this:

i realize that ultimately, the basis of everything i am saying right now is most likely me still grieving for you and barry.  that may be all there is to it.  i just need to make sense of all of that in my head.  none of it makes sense.  i go through these periods when i grieve that i feel very lonely.

now is one of those times.

and as i, like many people, await a verdict in the trial of conrad murray; as i said before, even if he got 20 years (a. that is not going to bring you back and (b. the industry will still be in existence…  it’s very draining to have to talk about it all the time, especially when people don’t necessarily want to get into a detailed (or deep) conversation about it.  most of the people talking to me about it most likely were doing it because you are in the news…  when the trial is over and a verdict made, you’ll most likely not be in the minds of these folks anymore.

i just get so frustrated.

i write again in a moment of frustration and tiredness.  again, i’ve come to terms with the possibility of me being alone, but yeah…  it hurts when you just continuously get triggered.  being by yourself in an environment where people are aware and understand is VERY different from being in a world where people want to make small talk without commitment to the dialog about something or someone you feel passionate about.

what is a pro-active way of co-existing amonst all that without going crazy??!!

love, jamilah