one of the main signs of someone wanting to commit suicide is that person giving away their possessions…  i didn’t even think about that when i gave little michael to little anna…  when i told a friend about little michael going home with another girl, she began to get worried.

you see, little michael was a companion of mine for four years, when he was given to me as a gift from someone.  he went everywhere with me; someone was even nice enough to give him a bicycle to ride on (which is attached to my own bicycle), whenever i went out.  but this little girl…  anna.  her eyes were so sad.  she was incredibly quiet and introspective.

i asked this little girl her name; an adult answered as she looked up at me.  i asked her if this was so, if her name was anna.  without saying a word, her eyes assured me this was the case.  the adult (perhaps her grandmother) asked if little michael was with her now.  i responded that he was with me.  i then asked anna if she wanted to go home with him.  she shook her head no.  i saw how she connected with him though, so i did not take him back.  i was in the midst of running errands, so i left them together, and anna returned to her grandmother.

interestingly, a woman who sees me with little michael all the time was worried.  she approached me and asked me if i knew there was a little girl hanging out with him.  i told her i was aware she was with him.  some time later i saw anna with little michael, and anna’s grandmother.  i asked anna again if she would like to take little michael home.  again, she shook her head no.  the grandmother interjected and said that anna actually meant yes.  with that i figured anna was shy, and did not want to seem rude in asking (or assuming).  either that, or she just was not used to situations like this.

i then knew what i had to do.

I’m so sad you’re leaving
It’s gonna kill me
Not to be with you
But I want you to be happy
If parting’s what you want
Then I want it too

So goodbye with all my prayers
For your happiness in a world elsewhere
Should you arrive and it’s not there
Call on me…

i didn’t realize how difficult it would be to part with little michael.  i am still crying as i write this.  it was as if i lost a child…  a friend.  most people see him as just a doll; but i see four years of my life there with him.  he really was a companion.  people found me strange, fascinating…  to walk around with a little doll.  he was given to me as a symbol of kindness; and i knew i had to pass on that tradition.  that is part of what the teachings are all about.

every time i turn around and see him not sitting there, i do feel like there is a void missing.  like yet again, another person has left.  at the same time, just to know of the possibility that one little girl could be filled with happiness because of this moment, makes me feel better.

i will always remember anna and this moment, with her sad eyes and her quiet demeanor.  after little michael’s new home was established; when anna’s grandmother asked her to shake my hand, she looked at me and shyly brought her arm out, her hand curled up in a tiny ball.  i took both of my hands into hers, and gently shook it.  after this she looked back down to little michael.

there are many children who have played with him, and i am sure many wanted to take him home.  somehow, something told me he needed to be with this little girl.  i have shared many moments with him; but he needed to be with someone i felt would truly love him too.  i do not know this little girl or her life’s situation…  she looked about 5 or 6.  and even at that age i felt a sense of loneliness coming from her.  it could be a simple case of shyness she may later grow out of; but in her eyes was an intense sadness.  i didn’t see her suffering from neglect.  there was something else.

in experiencing all of this; despite any sort of hopefulness i may have felt in sharing this moment with anna, the day was spent in an intense sadness/despair of my own.  it was especially difficult because i wasn’t necessarily in a space where i could grieve in any way.  spending those few moments with anna, just as i spend many moments with other children, was just an intense reminder of the loss i feel for not having children of my own.  i welcome all of these babies and young children in my life (and it’s a wonderful feeling to be surrounded by them at work); but i know they will soon go away, like everyone else.

i have also been trying to take things moment by moment, because for the past few days i have been working hard to not encounter another relapse.  yes, this is what you may be thinking.  and yes, this was why my friend was worried about me giving little michael to someone else.

i do talk about my history with suicide attempts with some, and with you i may have even alluded to it.  but i’ve never gone totally public about it.  until now, i suppose.  it’s incredibly difficult to openly acknowledge this history.  it’s incredibly isolating, because you never know who to talk to.  since i was 14 years old, i’ve done everything from cutting my wrists to putting my head in an oven to riding in fast oncoming traffic- oh yeah, that actually happened about a week or two before you transcended…  the smallest thing could trigger the thoughts, and the actions.

and so, yes…  the other day i was teetering on the brink of all of this.  sometimes you unconsciously get in a space where you block out people or things, in order to validate the reasons for wanting to end your life.  i mean, it’s like a light switch.  off and on. and sometimes that switch is actually a dimmer, where the desire shines brighter than other times.

so right now i’m just trying to talk it through, make sense of it all.  there have been several times in my life i looked up the sites to help people who have attempted it, and/or are considering it.  i did do this the other day as well.  i don’t find the sites to be helpful at all.  in fact, i see them as judgmental.

i’m just having an especially hard time dealing with loss right now.  i know that being in an abusive relationship with a man a number of years ago; even though i thought i healed from that somewhat, i never really got a huge part of myself back.  and even though i did a lot of work in healing the relationship with my mother, i know i focused on healing with her, and not necessarily myself.

and i know that where i am today, my whole body aches.  it hurts to just walk sometimes, to breathe.  just trying to make it day to day is difficult.  it’s difficult for me to motivate myself to go and do anything.  i prefer to just stay in bed all day.   don’t really want to see people.

but i know i need to.

i don’t feel like i am pretending; but sometimes i do have to work extra hard to maintain a smile.  sometimes it gets so bad where i can’t smile at all.  but a lot of the time i have to work.  i have been thinking about how some people perceive me as  always happy or smiling.

the thing about smiling in times like this is that it’s not simply a reaction to something; it’s a state of survival.

If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

there’s only so far smiling will go though.  there’s a point where you need to talk with someone, in order to have a place to scream, to cry…  to just grieve.  i know this may sound crazy or unreasonable even; but i am still in the grieving process with you.  this process is off and on with you.  i’m trying to listen to my subconscious which tells me to grieve at whatever level i need to and yet the guilt sort of kicks in that (a. i never knew you in person.  (b. you left over two years ago (at this point).  (c. i don’t want to be attached to the casing.  it should remain about the teachings.

i am also still in the grieving process with barry.  and all these other people seem to be leaving.  it’s not easy.  a lot of this, again, is triggering for me, and i am extremely frightened to go back to that place, despite being comforted by it at the same time.  i don’t particularly have anyone to grieve with, which is the worst aspect about the whole thing.  however, i find a little bit more of a space to talk with people about what is going on me at this moment.

i realized a few days ago that i need to do whatever it is i can to remain occupied, to keep my mind toward some type of healing process.  if i don’t keep busy i would just stay in bed all day.  i need to keep writing it all out, talking it all out.  i need to constantly distract myself.

Everyone’s Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World’s
Got A Role For Me
I’m So Confused
Will You Show To Me
You’ll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me

ultimately, i just need someone to be there.  saying all this stuff is a lot, but it’s a lot more difficult to even acknowledge what is going on, in the way i’m doing it now.   you said that you had thick skin, and that you have never attempted to end your life (that is, unless there were no children on this earth).

In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tribulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I’ll Never Let You Part
For You’re Always In My Heart.

with that, i hope you understand…  and i hope little anna will never have to experience what i have, and continue to, to some degree.  no one should have to experience that.  no one should experience ANY trauma.

love, jamilah