the one woman apollo!

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 90)

Posted on June 19, 2011 by jamilah

in six days’ time, the world lost a teacher. but more importantly, a father lost a son… and three children lost a father.

indeed, your father; regardless of the issues you may have had, did provide basic tools in order for you to be the person you became. all of our parents do that. it’s up to us to utilize the tools in positive ways.

my father was a genius when it came to the way he taught us staging, how to work an audience, anticipating what to do next, or never [to] let the audience know if you are suffering or something’s going wrong. he was amazing like that.

this is what you said about your father in 2007 to ebony magazine. our first teachers are always crucial in how we interact with the world. which is why it troubled me, when i first read it, to look at how you learned to conceal pain through performance. i can only imagine how you had to run out on stage and smile after you were beaten or told you were ugly.

and i can instantly recognize why ‘smile’ is your favourite composition, with its words of finding light through despair. when you said these words in england a number of years ago, i felt empathy.

You probably weren’t surprised to hear that I did not have an idyllic childhood. The strain and tension that exists in my relationship with my own father is well documented. My father is a tough man and he pushed my brothers and me hard, from the earliest age, to be the best performers we could be.

He had great difficulty showing affection. He never really told me he loved me. And he never really complimented me either. If I did a great show, he would tell me it was a good show. And if I did an OK show, he told me it was a lousy show.

He seemed intent, above all else, on making us a commercial success. And at that he was more than adept. My father was a managerial genius and my brothers and I owe our professional success, in no small measure, to the forceful way that he pushed us. He trained me as a showman and under his guidance I couldn’t miss a step.

But what I really wanted was a Dad. I wanted a father who showed me love. And my father never did that. He never said I love you while looking me straight in the eye, he never played a game with me. He never gave me a piggyback ride, he never threw a pillow at me, or a water balloon.

and of course, the small things count- these things which impact a lifetime:

I remember once when I was about four years old, there was a little carnival and he picked me up and put me on a pony. It was a tiny gesture, probably something he forgot five minutes later. But because of that moment I have this special place in my heart for him. Because that’s how kids are, the little things mean so much to them and for me, that one moment meant everything. I only experienced it that one time, but it made me feel really good, about him and the world.

i think you have definitely provided tools for your children to remain strong in these times. it’s like the time you quoted michelangelo: when you took note of the ability to make your art permanently relevant in our consciousness, despite you not being physically present; i can see you’ve done the same thing with your children. perhaps recognizing the inevitability of your own transcendence, you instilled values in your children which continue to resonate through their actions and personalities.

now I am a father myself, and one day I was thinking about my own children, Prince and Paris and how I wanted them to think of me when they grow up. To be sure, I would like them to remember how I always wanted them with me wherever I went, how I always tried to put them before everything else. But there are also challenges in their lives. Because my kids are stalked by paparazzi, they can’t always go to a park or a movie with me.

So what if they grow older and resent me, and how my choices impacted their youth? Why weren’t we given an average childhood like all the other kids, they might ask? And at that moment I pray that my children will give me the benefit of the doubt. That they will say to themselves: “Our daddy did the best he could, given the unique circumstances that he faced. He may not have been perfect, but he was a warm and decent man, who tried to give us all the love in the world.”

I hope that they will always focus on the positive things, on the sacrifices I willingly made for them, and not criticise the things they had to give up, or the errors I’ve made, and will certainly continue to make, in raising them. For we have all been someone’s child, and we know that despite the very best of plans and efforts, mistakes will always occur. That’s just being human.

And when I think about this, of how I hope that my children will not judge me unkindly, and will forgive my shortcomings, I am forced to think of my own father and despite my earlier denials, I am forced to admit that he must have loved me. He did love me, and I know that.

i always forget how the ‘anniversary’ of your transcendence rolls around the time the solstice begins, and father’s day arrives… a time of change, regeneration and intergenerational connections has been marred with darkness. again, we have the silencing of a man whose children no longer have a father.

just as many children no longer have fathers, due to police or military terrorism, abandonment, abuse or illness… these men raised children on their own. these men were not the biological fathers, but they raised children with the same intent.

my heart goes out to all of you.

hopefully, all those who have lost fathers or father figures, have been provided with the proper tools to move with strength in this ever-increasingly dark world. “prepared and unashamed,” as you once sang.

love, jamilah

Posted in children, michael jackson, parenting, transcendence | 1 Comment

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 89)

Posted on June 14, 2011 by jamilah

as of yesterday six years ago… you were deemed ‘not guilty’ by a jury ‘of your peers’. having read the transcripts, i would have to say i concur with their decision. unfortunately, it’s one of the rare occasions justice has actually been served, both in the state of california and the whole world.

it’s really difficult for me to look at the footage from the trial. it really hurt to see the camera on you as you walked in the courtroom before the verdict was read; and watching you walk out after you were found ‘not guilty’ on all charges hurt even more… all the life had been taken out of you. obviously you were in shock, but there was another element which moved me: it was as if your faith in humanity had been shaken… i always go back to how you always said that if there were no children on this earth, you would slit your wrist, or jump out of a building. i could only imagine how you felt during the proceedings… it was a child- again- who charged you with violating his right to exist as a child. it was a child- again- who was forced to sit between you and a father’s (or mother’s) ego. to me, this is the REAL child abuse in this case.

i don’t think you were considering slitting your wrists, but again, i saw the sap of life slowly drain from the roots. by the time 13 june 2005 rolled around, your sad, beautiful, deep, large brown eyes held the presence of vacancy.

and with that, it was symbolic of the process of the facade of justice: despite the outcome of the verdict of your case, it was a long, drawn-out unnecessary process. and just as in 1993, tom sneddon served as the main prosecuting attorney in 2005. over the years there have been people such as aphrodite jones and william wagener who have chronicled sneddon’s dealings as a district attorney:

In an interview with Online Legal Review’s Ron Sweet, (Gary) Dunlap claimed that Sneddon stacked the charges against him in order to get a conviction on at least one count; apparently, this is a common occurrence in Sneddon’s office.

Santa Maria City Attorney Art Montandon recently filed a claim against the Santa Barbara County District Attorney’s Office, alleging that they falsely accused him of bribing a defense attorney in a case that Sneddon was prosecuting. Montandon had evidence favourable to the defense and prosecutors tried to stop him from interfering by threatening to bring bribery charges against him. A judge later ruled that Sneddon’s office had no right to stop Montandon’s involvement in the case.

http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/archive.cgi?noframes;read=64536

even though the masses of incidents regarding sneddon have not been promoted, just looking at how much the prosecuting team worked to alter evidence symbolizes how the ‘system’ is not supposed to work in favor for the darker peoples of this nation. no… there was a point your hue changed; still, your heart beat the blood of the motherland. for me, it was not hard to see. and of course, your ethnicity became a convenience to media organizations- when they sensed you (a black man with ‘financial power and global influence’) were a danger to ‘their’ children.

and as the anniversary for your ‘not guilty’ verdict has occurred; injustice still remains, in both the state of california (and around the world). libya is still being invaded, yemen was bombed (at the hands of u.s. tax dollars), and we are still in iraq and afghanistan. and in california, thomas mehserle (the cop who murdered oscar grant in cold blood in front of many witnesses at a BART station) was just released after 11 months of a TWO-YEAR sentence for… can you guess? INVOLUNTARY MANSLAUGHTER. despite various VIDEO RECORDINGS (and an original charge of second-degree murder with a maximum of 14 years) for murdering an unarmed black man… then claiming he meant to use his taser. obviously i just answered my own question without even asking. but let’s just imagine for one second the (los angeles county) jury saw something in the original charge. the jury obviously saw some criminally negligent behavior… and yet, judge robert j. perry decided mehserle should be released on time served in combination with ‘good conduct’.

this is not, and should not be about whose life is valued more… regardless of class, there are many ways the injustice system plays out in relation to black life. there is that ceiling very few reach (even with substantial finances). that ceiling, as i’m sure you know, bears large moral repercussions. in this system you are only of value if you make the conscious decision to relinquish a significant portion of your soul. if you choose to relinquish little to none at any given point in your career, then there is a price to pay- you either make the decision to forfeit your involvement in that system (not unlike someone like dave chapelle), or you see the ‘media/political witch-hunt’, as in your, paul robeson or jack johnson’s cases).

a person like oscar grant (or amadou diallo or eleanor bumpers or ayana jones (the 7-year old murdered in the middle of a raid gone bad)) holds no tangible value in this system; he is seen as a person with no true political power so he is expendable. it comes full circle; once you have reached the ceiling in terms of global and financial influence, you are just as expendable.

just think about that.

i think about it sometimes… i look at you, i look into those sad eyes which became void of even sadness for a moment six years ago, and it gives me relief you are in a better place. it seems like when you left, the world moved farther away from the teachings you worked to espouse; the murder of oscar grant did occur the same year you left… however, the energy around us just seems to be getting darker and darker; and the marketing tools you were so fond of utilizing became immensely personalized by international corporations instead of artists. the world’s moving at such a pace where we don’t even know what to decipher as real or hoax anymore.

which is why the hoax thing in relation to you is interesting… hoaxes are still being regarded as done by individuals as opposed to a corporate effort. who is to say this hoax was NOT created by sony, so as to gain favor with the fan base without the fan base realizing it?

there’s so much i want to say, and it all seems to travel cyclically. i keep thinking about where i am in my life, and the events which brought me to this place. it’s been a fairly draining couple of weeks- emotionally, physically and otherwise… i’m looking at my right leg, and it’s all bruised up in places i wasn’t even aware of. (oh yeah, i didn’t tell you, i flew off the bicycle. it’s a long story). i look at my leg and i think of the times i got bleaching cream put on me (and how no one really seems to remember this). it all seems unreal to me. i think about it, and i cry.

and it goes back to hoaxes… of how the facade of race (versus ethnicity) is a hoax in collaboration with economic injustice. and how so many black parents go out of their way to let their children know how undesirable they and their features are. for someone to tell you about your features- your nose, hair… anything- does irreparable damage in many cases. if not physically, mentally.

and then i think about images i saw… the image of your scalp, and the massive hair loss as a result of the second and third-degree burns. not only do i have some sympathy for the situation (since i know how it feels, to a lesser degree, to be burned- either self-inflicted or by accident); i also feel sorrow at such an event. to see the bald spot on your head gives me pause. i can’t figure out why though.

yesterday i did see an image which gave me much sorrow, yet gave me simultaneous relief. it feels somewhat like an invasion, but i’ll say it anyways. perhaps you’ll be upset with me, but i do feel it needs to be said, as it was actually the one thing which gave me closure, in relation to any discussion of your transition on this earthly plane. it was an artists’ rendering (from the autopsy report, i believe) of what you looked like upon your transcendence.

most people would say it’s a frightening photo… you see, you didn’t have any hair (as per the autopsy report), and your features were distinctly different than what people have been used to, under all the lights and altering. you did indeed see the effects of what happened to your nose. your cheeks were a bit sunken in. your eyes were both 3/4ths shut; the right eye was shut farther than the left. it looked as if you had taken a beating, mentally.

despite what i just said, there was nothing morbid about it. the beauty in the image was what i have been saying all along: your beauty has nothing to do with the facade of make-up, hair or anything. i saw a beauty there most either are not willing to, or just are not able to see: that light. i still saw light.

our essence never goes away even after our physical transcends (which is why i consciously choose the word ‘transcend’), which is how we can still feel the energy in one’s art after they go. this is how, when we speak about someone after transcendence, we feel warmth or comfort. this is how many generations after one’s transcendence still resonate with the art of those who have transcended.

your large, beautiful eyes were sadly, closed, more or less. but it gave me relief to know you are now resting. they could regenerate and observe the spirit world. i initially saw the image, and it threw me back for a moment. it amazed me. despite everything which happened over the years, and what anyone has said; you could not in any way deny the motherland living inside of you.

there is a distinct image i cannot get out of my head: upon your returning home, looking at this artists’ rendering there were those undeniable ‘jackson’ features. considering all of your medical conditions, i will not say you were in any sort of denial of your lineage. all i know is that when i saw this image, i saw how much strength truly existed in our people.

this is the undeniable beauty i saw.

before i ceased writing the book, i wrote about moving beyond your looks when it comes to your beauty. and writing about this artists’ rendering i realize it’s much more difficult to write about something you cannot capture in words. all i know is that the image was the most truthful thing which came out of all of this sensational drama regarding your transcendence.

because you are still teaching us a lesson. we’re just not collectively ready to accept it. i hope to continue work on focusing more energy towards these teachings.

thank you for being here. and there.

love, jamilah

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michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 88)

Posted on June 12, 2011 by jamilah

it’s hard to ‘keep the faith’ when you just feel like giving up… i feel like i am repeating myself to you, but i hope you understand. i feel like in so many ways i’m letting you down. i’m doing my best to share and spread the teachings, but there are so many roadblocks. it’s as if everything i say and do are just wrong. people seem to turn away.

with that, it’s been difficult to know what to say to you. you are probably upset or disappointed with me. if so, i understand. honestly, i still struggle with your transcendence. i still struggle with barry’s transcendence. remember him? sometimes it’s hard dealing with the both of you not here. there are times i feel like a bad person for that; i don’t want to feel like i’m holding on to something unattainable, or impermanent. i don’t want you to think i’m mis-using the teachings. i don’t want you to think i’m not thankful for everything you’ve taught me.

i’m sensing a whole lot of dark energy around me, and i cannot figure out where it is coming from. it’s making me feel cluttered and confused. i’m doing my best to clear my room now; it’s filled with years of things which need to be recycled. once all of that is out of the room i will feel much better about being here… but there’s still something else. is it constant grief clouding my brain? are there certain people in my life i need to get rid of? it does feel that sometimes, i don’t know where to turn. people say they are there for me, but they have their own lives they are dealing with. i don’t expect them to make all this extra time for me. it’s as if the things i have to say don’t measure up though; and i end up feeling inadequate, or everything i’m doing is in vain.

i go through periods where this happens; but now a lot of this is heightened as we approach 12 more days before the second year of your transcendence. for some reason it seems more difficult to deal with this year than last. i’m feeling truly naked… exposed, with no protection. i feel like i don’t even know myself. a stranger in my own body. i want to be able to help others, but i can’t even help myself.

i had another dream relating to you… in fact, i had two. one had you in it, and the other was about you. both dreams were quite strange.

the first dream you were in… you did most of the talking, which was not a lot. your form was similar to the ‘bad’ era, around 1988. we were in los angeles but it looked like las vegas, with all the flashing lights. you took me to this theatre you owned. on the outside the building was conspicuous, in comparison to the rest of the area: the strip the theatre was on was quite dark. you took me inside, and it was just as dark and dingy as the outside. there were teenagers running everywhere, yet they didn’t even notice your presence. you were relaxed… casual. in your element. not only was there a cinema in this building, but also several play spaces, a library, and i’m sure more the dream did not even get to.

we walked into the cinema; it was filled with teenagers, yelling and running around as a film was showing. the screen was hazy in the dream, so i cannot tell you what film it was. i do know it was a film you were really into though. something you have seen many times before. we took seats in the middle of it all, unnoticed. initially you appeared undeterred in your quest to watch this film. gradually, the running around and yelling got to you, and i heard quiet grumblings emanate from your throat. despite this, it was like you loved the young people so much you didn’t wanna tell them to stop having their fun. you motioned for us to leave the cinema part of the building, to move somewhere else. we walked to one of the empty play rooms, and we found a body hanging from the ceiling. at a loss for words, we both looked at each other. what could have made this young kid take his life- or what could have made someone murder him? were others in the building aware of this, and no one said anything? could anyone even see us?

in shock, we quietly went back to the cinema. you had a look of shame and sorrow on your face. you were carrying the world on your shoulders. unable to focus, we again left the cinema. working to become distracted from the situation, you took us to one of your favourite rooms in the building- the library. it astounded me… how much could fit into this one building. as you gave me a little tour of the different sections- fiction, biography, geography… as we approached another section we saw a kid hanging off the top of one of the smaller bookshelves, his elbows bent to hold himself up, and his head resting similar to the kid who was hanging from the ceiling. i couldn’t tell if he was emulating the hanging. i figured he was not ‘dead’, since if he was his muscles would not be able to hold him up, considering the way he positioned himself.

before either of us had time to collect ourselves, i awakened from the dream.

i drifted back into rest mode, and ended up having another dream. this time it involved a baby, either one year old or not yet one. he was in a pram/stroller. he was there, unsupervised. i went over to him and he immediately began to speak to me in detailed sentences. he asked me if i liked you. when i told him yes, he asked me what i liked about you. when i responded he then told me what he liked about you. and then i awoke again, with lumbia by my side. this was comforting, especially since she’s been feeling my energy. whenever i’m sad she just curls up and rests.

i don’t know what either of these dreams mean… does this have to do with my own anxiety around your transcendence? is this about a message i’m supposed to send? is this about me wanting to have kids? are those dreams about anything at all?

i have so many questions, given this is the first time in a long time you are actually with me in a dream since your transcendence, speaking directly to me; as opposed to a peripheral or allegorical figure. with that, if you (or anyone else) were sending a message, i hope i won’t let you down in relaying whatever message it is i am supposed to relay.

if i’ve let you down in any way, please accept my apologies.

love, jamilah

Posted in children, dreams, michael jackson, transcendence, universal law | Leave a comment

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 87)

Posted on February 18, 2011 by jamilah

it’s been a while since we have communicated… i am hoping you don’t think i have forgotten about you. the truth is, i have been struggling so much lately- emotionally, physically. despite my acceptance, the wounds of your transcendence still have not healed. i say this because i still feel very alone in the work of sharing your teachings with others. i take these teachings very seriously (as you know); and even though the purpose is to just go forth and share it all, figuring that SOMEONE, just someone will recognize them… it’s a heartbreaking experience to acknowledge the isolation in the experience.

i suspect the wounds have opened back up on deeper levels because the one person who i felt truly ‘understood’ me and the work i hope to do has transcended as well. he was the one who helped me develop that show we did in your honor. remember the show? where we did our best to ‘recreate’ the general feel of your shows? it’s obvious we could never even come close; but i just wanted to share with others what you have taught me, and barry supported me the whole time. when i lost faith, he said ‘don’t worry about it’.

i remember the first real conversation we ever had… it was about you, michael. we spoke on the phone for at least two hours on the impact you’ve made. he said, ‘wow! i didn’t know you were into him like that.’ we spent hour upon hour of philosophical conversation- not just about you; but about spirituality, about astrology, government policy, work, relationships, music, cats… when i was having a bad day i could call him up, and he’d calm me, he’d make me laugh. he’d take at least an hour of his busy evenings to call me and see how i was doing. i’d tell him of my deep wish to be a mother despite my desire to not give birth, and it was as if he was the only one who didn’t think i was crazy.

there are so many stories i can share… he was a huge admirer of prince as an artist (like prince, barry could play pretty much every instrument under the sun) and we used to have those ‘prince or michael’ debates in jest. even though he would extol the virtues of mr. nelson’s musicianship, he would always conclude with, “but michael is the baddest dude on the planet”; whereby my response would be, “you got that right!!!”. and we would both laugh.

even though it was as if he knew the whole world he always made me feel like i was the most important person in the world. it was like i could do anything- take on the universe if i put my mind to it. he always critiqued me with love. whenever he thought i was going overboard, he’d bring me back to earth, but he would never TELL me i was going overboard. he would just say something to the effect of, ‘don’t mind the haters.’ he’d never tell me i was too sensitive or crazy. to him, i was never too much or too little of anything.

he opened his heart to me in ways no one ever has. HE WAS MY ROCK.

he was my rock. and now my rock and you, teacher are no longer here on this earth. as i write this, i am struggling. just as for you, i have accepted his transcendence. however, as i think about him (and you) tears are welling up in my eyes. i don’t know if anyone on this earth will ever comprehend whatever it is i do, in the way he did.

he would just immediately, before i said anything, ask me, “is there any latest michael news?” he encouraged me to talk about you in ways other people do not. even after two hours it was never too much for him. and if it was, he’d never say a word. he lent me a video of the show you did in 1977… we both agreed the show was horrendous, but he’d always try to get me to watch it because “michael was a BEAST! those turns he made, without getting caught in the cord- well, he got caught once, but how he came out of it… dude was a BEAST! watch it for that!”

for some reason i wasn’t able to watch it then (it was the ONE THING he actually got on me for)… ‘how come you haven’t watched it yet!!!???’; and now, i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to watch it for a long time, without thinking of him.

since his transcendence on the 4th of this month, things haven’t been the same. i haven’t really laughed all that much. i’ve laughed some, fortunately, but it’s more of a struggle to. sometimes, i don’t eat. if i don’t have anything to do i just stay in bed. sometimes i can’t even get to rest, unless i am really tired to the point my eyes cannot stay open. sometimes it hurts to even be in bed. it’s too much energy to walk, make food (and get lumbia some food) and even talk. it physically hurts to do these things sometimes. sometimes it’s a struggle to put on shoes, because they fit so tightly, when they usually do not. my whole body, my joints ache and it feels as if someone broke my shoulder blade. my heart and chest hurt. i get headaches. it feels as if i am in the process of having a heart attack. the other day at work i had a panic attack. i’ve had them numerous times in my life, so i know what they feel like. it’s never fun, because you always feel as if you are in a compromising position, and there is nothing you can do. all i could say, in tears, was that i couldn’t live like this anymore.

i just want all of this pain to end. it’s hard to function like this. my brain feels so clouded. i feel lost.

i spoke to a friend about how i was feeling, and she recognized the symptoms right away. ‘it’s the sympathetic nervous system’ she said. when i got home i looked it up right away, and everything matched. i haven’t really seen much on how to deal with this system being compromised.

here is a page i found on this:

http://www.veroniquemead.com/sns.php

“Under Normal Circumstances, the Sympathetic Nervous System promotes the ability to be active and the defense mechanism of fight or flight. It affects activities in red. An individual who is exposed to states of SNS dominance has an increased risk for Symptoms and Illnesses listed below, which have long been associated with stress.

The symptoms and illnesses associated with SNS dominance are those of fight/flight, and include: hypertension, hypercholesterolemia, fast arrhythmias, heart disease, type 1 diabetes, sjogren’s; anxiety, panic attacks, hypervigilance, poor sleep,…

Increases vigilance and arousal to quickly notice and respond to danger.
Symptoms: hypervigilance; startling easily;nervousness;anxiety;fear;
Illness: chronic or severe anxiety; panic attacks

Increases blood pressure to get blood to the brain and vital organs:
Symptoms: ? white coat high blood pressure;
Illness: hypertension, strokes from prolonged high blood pressure, heart disease; heart attacks

Increases heart rate to circulate fuel and oxygen to vital organs for activity and defense:
Symptoms: fast heart rate
Illness fast arrhythmias (?atrial fibrillation; PSVT?)

Increases fuel availability (sugar, fats…) to the brain, muscles and other organs who need it during exercise and defense. Because insulin promotes food storage, it is inhibited during sns activity to maximize fuel availability.
Symptoms: high blood sugar; high cholesterol;low insulin;
Illness type 1 diabetes, with increased risk for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease,…; hypercholesterolemia

Increases adrenaline to facilitate changes in blood pressure, heart rate etc
Symptoms: shakiness; palpitations; butterflies; difficulty concentrating
Illness chronic anxiety, panic, hypertension, and others listed here

Increases oxygen circulation to vital organs to provide fuel for activity and defense while decreasing circulation to non-vital organs such as skin, the extremities,…
Symptoms: cold hands and feet;headaches
Illness peripheral neuropathy

Increases blood clotting ,which minimizes blood loss if wounded during defense such as fight/flight
Symptoms: strokes; clotting disorders
Illness strokes;

Increases pupil size and peripheral vision to maximize awareness of sources of potential danger
Symptoms: blurry vision when trying to focus on narrow vision (reading…)
Illness prolonged visual changes requiring corrective lenses”

all i know is that i want all of this to stop. some days are worse than others, but i want it to all end. all i know as well is that the beginning of this year for some reason has been really difficult for me, emotionally. the trouble sleeping, the wanting to stay in bed, not eating… that’s been going on since january. but barry’s transcendence has really lessened the pain threshold.

i had another dream… i’ve been having very detailed dreams since you left this earth, and i can’t tell if the dreams have anything to do with you telling me anything or not. i cannot tell if the dreams are leading me to anything i write, most of the time. the dreams are so vivid, and sometimes painful.

this one though, involved john legend (yes, the popular artist)… i do not know why, but i was itching to tell him about an idea i wanted to get across. i wanted him to help me with a film i wanted to do, from the perspective of someone who is going through a debilitating illness, and how the world reacts to them. the camera work would be from their perspective.

i kept running after him, and he initially ignored me, saying he was busy; he then approached me and asked me what it is i wanted. as i began to describe the film i wanted to do, i got out of the dream state.

i have been thinking so much about this lately; looking at videos of people speaking about their experiences with illnesses such as lupus. and because lupus can be difficult to detect at times, people may not believe the person when they say they are suffering. i can only imagine what isolation you may have felt, when looking at interviews given by people like quincy jones… when you informed people of some symptom you had (without actually saying what it was), like lung inflammations or whatever; people did not believe you, and attributed your issues with ‘plastic surgery’ or some form of racial self-hatred…

what was it like to be in the state/position you were in, having to conceal your medical condition in order for there to be SOME semblance of privacy about your life, having it all backfire? what was it like to to live with autoimmune disorders, with arthritis, with the pain which is synonymous with ‘dancer’s feet’, and have to go out and perform night after night?

http://www.angelfire.com/oh2/chezsarah/dfeet.html

“Insiders are hesitant to reveal the secret for fear of embarrassing the dancers, but the truth remains. Dancers have ugly feet. The years of pounding and strain that their feet endure create crooked toes, discolored nails and skin rubbed raw. Not to mention calluses, corns, and bunions. The wear and tear is endured to achieve performances that appear graceful and effortless.”

http://www.calgaryherald.com/entertainment/Agony+Feet/4307106/story.html

For Caron the more painful irony in ballet is not, as The Black Swan would have it, that individuality must be obliterated to achieve professional stardom, but rather that “pointe shoes are about making a dancer appear weightless, like a sylph, but when we take off our shoes, it’s not the prettiest thing.”

i wanted to show the perspective that everyone’s pain is different. there are people i know with MS, and the stages they are all in are so disparate. there are people i’ve met with far-gone autoimmune disorders, and they function as if nothing ever happened; when some folks have lesser effects, and it hurts them to even walk. for you, i wonder… i wonder what your experiences were before you left this earth. in that clip which surfaced a day after your transition, many people were saying you looked healthy and happy. what i saw was a man who was struggling to even move and breathe.

are those who experience pain often sensitive to others who experience pain as well? i cannot say.

i think about this as well because the pain i have, it’s not necessarily an autoimmune issue. people deal with grief in many ways, but i don’t know if the physical pain that goes with it is often discussed. and so people may not recognize this pain and think you are just being grumpy or dramatic. when grieving, we are expected to ‘get over it’ quickly, and go about our day. i didn’t ask for this pain to happen to me though. no one does.

frankly, i’m not sure what to do about this grief. i’m not even sure which stage i am in. maybe all of them at once?

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

i know that barry is laughing at me now, saying he’s okay, and that i shouldn’t be sad, or worried. i know he’s telling me to never forget the things he (or you) told me, and that i can go for whatever it is i want. just like, as you once taught:

…the power’s in believing
So give yourself a chance

‘Cause you can
Climb the highest mountain
Swim the deepest sea

All you need is the will to want it
And uuh,
Little self-esteem

Because it’s just a matter of time
Before your confidence will win out

Believe in yourself no matter what it’s gonna take
You can be a winner but you got to keep the faith

Lift up your head and show the world you got pride
Go for what you want
Don’t let them get in your way
You can be a winner but you got to
Keep the faith

Look at yourself and what your doin’ right now
Stand back a minute just to check yourself out
Straighten up your life and how you’re livin’ each day
Get yourself together ’cause you got to keep the faith

Straighten out yourself and get your mind on track
Dust off your butt and get your self-respect back
You’ve known me long enough to know that I don’t play
Take it like you want it but you got to keep the faith

i for sure know he’s in a better place, and maybe it’s just me being selfish that i don’t have him here anymore. i know i will always miss my dear friend barry, who encouraged me to be the best student i can be. his message to me has always been: to those who don’t grasp what i am trying to do, either they will some day, or i just need to not pay any mind to them. even though that sentiment is difficult for me to grasp to this day, i know he’s right.

michael, if you ever run into barry, can you say hello to him for me? i know you two will have some very interesting times.

love, jamilah

Posted in cats, children, dreams, freedom, michael jackson, transcendence | Leave a comment

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 86)

Posted on November 19, 2010 by jamilah

michael… the more all of this craziness happens, the more i want to withdraw… i feel as if i got caught in the middle of something. well, it’s not that i have a problem with discussing what i have learned about everything regarding your transcendence so far; again, i just feel like i am running into walls.

in this funny way i feel trapped with this information and a whole bunch of people to share it with, in the end only agreeing to dis-agree on many things. while agreeing to dis-agree is fine (it’s something i do all the time), it appears as though what i have to say brings out the desire to argue in others- EVEN THOUGH i clearly state that i am respectfully agreeing to dis-agree. we have become so inundated with information that we think we know everything on the subjects we are speaking about, despite studying as little as possible (aka only the things we agree with). so when someone challenges our ‘knowledge’ in any way, that is a call to battle, an insult to our sensibilities/ego.

this isn’t anything i personally started- the snowball effect began long before i willingly responded. all the debate about whether or not it’s really you singing on certain songs on this upcoming album… the claims from some that this album represents you as a proverbial ‘sacrificial lamb’, victim to a corporation’s sinister desires to hawk any product with your name on it… the theories that you are the man behind the curtain, orchestrating this whole unfolding… all of this is creating unnecessary drama, prompting cultural wars between the fan base. of course, fans have always fought over you, declaring a certain level of authenticity due to some material item owned, or knowledge of rare music… ultimately, one’s relationship to you is going to be subjective, and not necessarily a space for comparison or debate. the best example i can think of is a child, who does not own any of your albums, but may have seen you in a book, on the radio or on a stage, and thus may become transformed by their relative experience. it’s impossible to deny that child whatever experience they shared with you. the same idea should apply to adults as well.

i have willingly entered many situations, attempting to explain my reasonings for not supporting this upcoming album (amongst other ventures), and i just keep seeing a significant philosophical shift. there are some who are torn on whether or not they want to purchase the album, DVD, etc. and there are others who are DEFINITELY purchasing these products because (a. they want to hear ‘new music’ from you, and (b. they think it will contribute to supporting your mother and children.

sony’s role here (in terms of this whole ‘michael or not michael’ debacle is to obfuscate, to distract. to create rifts between communities through controversy. people who were once sure of something now do not know, and are wavering. you have people saying, ‘i have been a fan, listening to his music for 30 years. i have ALL the albums, b-sides and more. and i KNOW he is singing in that song. anybody who thinks different is ignorant.’

the list of arguments go on and on. of most significance is the argument of NOT purchasing the album will prove to sony (and the dreaded media) that you are no longer valid to your fan and support base. in my eyes this very action of an economic boycott towards sony and AEG regarding your art would empower the fan base. if fans and advocates displayed a support similar to what was shown during the 2005 trial- as well as during the 2002 ‘sony sucks’ campaign, there would resonate a power so brilliant- with the probability of altering the way these corporations look at the music listener.

many fans so much as write the official site owned by sony bearing your name, asking why there have been no official releases of some live performances, or songs… if there were to be a full on boycott of their products, sony may have to just listen instead of assuming they know what people want.

also, what with the contentious relationship eventually had with the company in the last few years of your life, the callous behavior towards your catalog (namely, the ignorance of ‘this is it’ being a song under a different title, released years ago)to me is symbolic of their disregard for your teachings, and catalog. even though i cannot fault people for wanting to connect with you in some way posthumously; it’s still troubling to me that, despite knowing your history with sony they would still financially support the company.

perhaps i am being too idealistic.

i woke up from another dream… i was in egypt with my house-mate, who works with clowns… you know him, he was the one who performed in the show back in may. we were there, because he was performing again. i happened to be there, and as he went off to prepare for his shows i went off my way. suddenly, my sister and mother show up, and we three are driving around the city (i cannot tell you which one though; the irony is that this dream city was remarkably like any heavily-populated city in the states). there were some signs and awnings written in arabic, but the vast majority of what i saw was in english. i was quite vocal about my inquiry into the major department/’big box’ stores all along the roads… there were so many of them, replacing local markets. at some points (in the same driving trip) there was a male driver accompanying us; at other points my mother was driving.

we parked the car at some point, to go walking around. i spotted a record store along the crowded street we parked on and my sister went with me, as our mother walked in a different direction. i ran inside to partake in the joy of record digging. it took a bit longer for my sister to come in. no sooner than i ran in, i ran back out, screaming “THAT’S NOT HIM!!!”

they were playing one of the songs from your ‘new’ album. as soon as i heard the chords- and that voice- my body went tense, and i screamed. the store clerks initially looked bewildered, but as soon as i ran out the store i looked at their faces, and noticed they knew exactly what i was talking about. my sister was certainly confused though, screaming at me, wondering what I was causing a commotion about. “MICHAEL! IT’S NOT MICHAEL!”

and of course, i opened my eyes.

with the other dreams i’ve been having lately, there is a sense of a lesson; a vision. a warning, even. here, i am not so sure. i’m already adamant in my refusal to financially support the organization which i believe played a part in your transcendence. me screaming about how what i heard was not you, i am not sure how this situation is going to be altered. i am but one person. my dream is not going to convince every other person in the world to support a boycott.

and perhaps the dream was telling me just that. that all of this really ISN’T you. all of this infighting. all of this debate about whether or not a vocal impersonator is taking your place. this protest about what sony and AEG are doing to your legacy… and even all of the talk about how you were a victim (and a member) of the ‘illuminati’ and how they finally got to you.

because ultimately even THAT conversation is a distraction. really, this IS about how executives at some major organizations are single-handedly sabotaging what you stood for, by tampering with your art with the stroke of a pen. and they are doing it on the backs (and wallets) of those who will purchase anything with your name on it.

however…

when i listen to you, i hear a person who was a survivor, in a wealth of ways. through my eyes, you took what you had with all the pains, and made a decision to present the role of a teacher to the world, despite (or BECAUSE OF) the pain being overwhelmingly evident. the physical self inevitably must succumb to the elements; what is left behind will remain with those who choose to embody those lessons.

it’s time for me to acknowledge the fact that there are those who are going to be convinced by their emotional connection to you, that purchasing any of these posthumous products will maintain this level of connection. it’s not up to me to judge these individuals, as their relationship to you is different than my relationship to you. i am just worried that their being swayed by advertising, album art, music videos or ‘official letters’ will minimize their dedication to research; as well as any sort of conviction previously had, in relation to questioning sony’s intentions. is it possible to be steadfast in your beliefs/loyal to a person when you support organizations which directly attack that person’s sensibilities? would that be seen as betrayal, even if unintentional?

it’s important for me to remember that whatever sony, AEG, the ‘estate’, your blood relatives, the press, your fans, your adversaries, or ANYONE ELSE does, that is NOT going to alter the relationship i have with you. it is not going to transform my relationship to your teachings. NOR is any of this going to transform your teachings.

because sony, AEG, the ‘estate’ and others are not even interested in your teachings. they are consumed with how your IMAGE is going to sell. they are in the business of selling perceptions. if people are going to attach themselves to an image (as sold by sony, or anyone else) there is not much i can do about that. all i can do is continue to share your teachings with others, and warn them about what they are doing to your legacy. those who want to engage, it is certainly welcomed. despite its urgency, it is not my intention to force anyone into a belief system.

i am still learning, still figuring out things in this world. it’s getting smaller and smaller, but it is still a big world out there. as always, i hope i am doing you some justice.

love, jamilah

Posted in dreams, michael jackson | Leave a comment

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 85)

Posted on November 6, 2010 by jamilah

all signs lead to death.

i think we have discussed this some time ago, dear michael; but this fact becomes more and more clear the older i get, and as the days pass. at this point though, i’m not even talking about physical ‘death’; there is a spiritual death approaching at rates so fast that it feels uncontrollable.

physical ‘death’ is inevitable. however, when we leave this earth, remnants of us still appear, either through others’ memories of us, or through physical things we have left behind. what happens with these things is where the true death occurs- when our messages and legacies are tampered with.

i do my best to study diligently. there may be some things i don’t always get right, but i know that my intentions are about respect, so i do my best to correct what needs to be corrected. the more i study though, the more i receive visions.

before i got out of bed i had another dream… this one again, involved my sister. we lived in a small apartment together, with another person (whose face seems familiar, but not really (these types of dreams have also been happening with greater frequency- the third familiar, yet mysterious person)). the walls of the apartment were white, with a lot of corners. the place was small, but spacious enough for three people living together. we never seemed to get in each other’s way.

this third/mysterious person invited their father over. he was older, with a full, graying beard. he was quite talkative, and nice enough; but i felt a strange sensation from him. in the course of the dream our house-mate quietly revealed that his father worked for the government. as soon as i was told this, it clicked. as soon as it clicked i turned around, and the man brandished this new radio he got over his lap. it was quite a large radio, with a lot of features. he boasted of the features, as he surprisingly let me place it in another part of the apartment. struggling a bit due to its weight, i carried it into the thin doorway, placing it between my room and the bathroom. as i placed it on the floor (the radio blaring away) i noticed some kind of light or signal go off. i then realized this man was spying on us.

and then i opened my eyes.

we are inundated with so many sounds, images and words it’s difficult to decipher what is and is not good for us sometimes. those whose messages may come with positive intentions may also be working towards coercive measures. i am seeing so much of this happening with your legacy.

just as i predicted, a lot of what is happening with your legacy is coming to a head. this is only the beginning. when 25 june happened, there was virtually no information, except from TMZ (this is the first sign there was suppression about what went on). even the so-called ‘reputable’ news sources used TMZ as a source for breaking news. there was never a clear picture of what was occurring. you were in a coma, you were not in a coma. you ‘died’ at home. you ‘died’ in the hospital. you had a heart attack, you had a cardiac arrest. the word was not official until your brother jermaine (with thome thome behind him) announced your transcendence. another red flag which went off was that there was no official police or hospital announcement. it came from jermaine. being such a high-profile transcendence i would think that other interests would be involved. when the police were interviewed about the case, they had no clue as to what was going on.

the police affidavit contradicted other times conrad murray was interviewed. the autopsy report contradicts the police affidavit. the autopsy report AND the affidavit contradict the phone call murray gave to the emergency dispatcher. THIS IS THE POINT I BEGAN TO FOLLOW AEG’S ROLE IN THIS CASE. and that is exactly when the signs became very clear.

but not as clear as i wanted them to be. i continued to search for some record of AEG’s role in your murder, because so many things were pointing to them. my instinct was telling me this. murray has been a confusing factor in this situation, as he became an employee of AEG through your insistence. however, from looking at his letter of brief resignation from his own practise in texas, he was obviously swayed by the financial opportunities received through employment with AEG, as your personal doctor. with that, i began to think of him as being a major link in the chain of events. i still was not satisfied, because there would be no way he would be the only person implicated in this murder. however, he was the major face on that fateful day, so all fingers pointed toward him.

that did not feel right to me. and it certainly didn’t feel right that la toya, randy and joseph claimed there were others involved, yet did not name names. by remaining mysterious you don’t look credible. i am sure they know that. one of the few people to single out AEG, john branca and other individuals in terms of being implicated in your murder was majestik the magnificent. i am not the greatest fan of that guy- he’s opportunistic and ego-based. however, he’s one of the few who actually remains consistent on following up on this case. unfortunately, those who are speaking the loudest are not credible to your fan base. so they aren’t listening. and AEG would rather have it this way.

AEG is making sure your ‘drug issues’ are a huge factor in your transcendence, so as not to bring attention to the content of the contract which you signed with them. or the history between yourself and that organization, leading to that contract being signed. their claim is that they tried to help you, and you refused to receive help. they will continue to milk this, in order to discredit those who actually have a case against them. these critics will continue to lose favor with your fan base, and they will continue to attend AEG events, to ‘celebrate and remember your legacy’.

when sony purchased the rights to distribute ‘this is it’ suddenly they felt they could speak on behalf of AEG. of course, this takes responsibility off of them and they can then again focus on their next major plans. when your father went against AEG and stated there were impersonators used in the movie, sony spoke, claiming there were none. another red flag, out of many, went off… as far as i know, there were no major executives from sony at the rehearsals, so how would they know- they are essentially seeing footage.

and of course, there’s that pesky $250 million deal sony made with the so-called ‘estate’, claiming to represent you and your legacy. this deal covers ‘this is it’, plus video games, DVD collections- and, of course, album releases. news of said posthumous albums have been stated for the longest time since your transcendence, but i simply expected a cashing in. i was vehemently opposed to any of these releases from the beginning. what i see developing though, this collaboration between sony and AEG is worse than i could have even imagined. this leads me, more than ever, to the conclusion that both organizations are implicated in your murder, and conrad murray was being used, and he didn’t even know it. his greed got him into this mess. and now he must pay the consequences.

before i even get into their collaboration, i want to say that my suspicion was further piqued when news of oprah winfrey interviewing your parents (AND YOUR CHILDREN) appeared. her judgments on you in terms in relation to the charges of child molestation notwithstanding- or maybe even BECAUSE of it- she made the conscious decision to exploit whatever grieving your family still may not have yet dealt with. she also made the decision to exploit whatever issues your family has; either with sony, or the so-called ‘estate’. again, i may have many issues with how your family chooses to treat your legacy as well; but i also think it’s uncalled for to pack yourself and your crew up in the house to interview them. i’m not sure if your parents were seeing dollar signs, or if they thought they were going to clearly get their side of the story out. all i know is that YOUR CHILDREN being involved in this process is clear exploitation, and a huge mode of disrespect to you, as a father who wanted his children to not be the recipient of excessive media attention. since your transcendence they have been thrown out into the public world, at the expense of the loss of their father. it’s as if we collectively forgot that THESE CHILDREN LOST A FATHER. all we want to see is their response to their feelings on losing ‘michael jackson (TM)’.

okay… so, we have this $250 million dollar deal; we have ‘this is it’, we have the ‘experience’ video game, we have the winfrey interview, we have the upcoming album- am i missing anything? ah yes… cirque du soleil.

this news has also been a long time coming, since your transcendence. it’s like you were still warm as they were making these deals. a friend of mine told me, “when you told me about the cirque du soleil thing, i didn’t think it was THAT bad. but now i see…” it was a few days ago when the official news of the cirque du soleil tour appeared, after months of media speculation. of course, i got more than a few e mails about this news (as well as about this upcoming album, but that’s coming up soon). when i saw the image on the site’s page, i just about threw up… there was a point i was discussing this image with my friend, i got so upset i almost cried. i had a violent internal physical reaction upon looking at the images… similar to when i received all of these messages about the ‘upcoming album’, and observed the image attached. all i said was, ‘these people are serious. they are not messing around.’

in thinking about this, i instantly thought of the notion of ‘manufacturing consent’ (distributed by pantheon books in 1988), which noam chomsky and edward herman based a book on.

The mass media serve as a system for communicating messages and symbols to the general populace. It is their function to amuse, entertain, and inform, and to inculcate individuals with the values, beliefs, and codes of behavior that will integrate them into the institutional structures of the larger society. In a world of concentrated wealth and major conflicts of class interest, to fulfill this role requires systematic propaganda.

In countries where the levers of power are in the hands of a state bureaucracy, the monopolistic control over the media, often supplemented by official censorship, makes it clear that the media serve the ends of a dominant elite. It is much more difficult to see a propaganda system at work where the media are private and formal censorship is absent. This is especially true where the media actively compete, periodically attack and expose corporate and governmental malfeasance, and aggressively portray themselves as spokesmen for free speech and the general community interest. What is not evident (and remains undiscussed in the media) is the limited nature of such critiques, as well as the huge inequality in command of resources, and its effect both on access to a private media system and on its behavior and performance.

A propaganda model focuses on this inequality of wealth and power and its multilevel effects on mass-media interests and choices. It traces the routes by which money and power are able to filter out the news fit to print, marginalize dissent, and allow the government and dominant private interests to get their messages across to the public. The essential ingredients of our propaganda model, or set of news “filters,” fall under the following headings: (I) the size, concentrated ownership, owner wealth, and profit orientation of the dominant mass-media firms; advertising as the primary income source of the mass media; (3) the reliance of the media on information provided by government, business, and “experts” funded and approved by these primary sources and agents of power; (4) “flak” as a means of disciplining the media; and (5) “anticommunism” as a national religion and control mechanism. These elements interact with and reinforce one another. The raw material of news must pass through successive filters, leaving only the cleansed residue fit to print. They fix the premises of discourse and interpretation, and the definition of what is newsworthy in the first place, and they explain the basis and operations of what amount to propaganda campaigns.

(the bold lettering is my emphasis)

through sony and AEG’s claims of inaccuracy toward your mother (as well as feeding off of fans’ notions that they ‘know you’ well enough to know there were no impersonators involved in the process), they are able to discredit her (and other critics) through their media onslaught. they are able to utilize whatever resources they have to convince the public that they have your best interest at heart. i mean, they even got ‘voice authentication’, right?

this is starting to look like the ‘extensive medical exam’ you got- and passed with flying colors- in order to do this 50-date residency in london. conveniently, this documentation is nowhere to be found. i would like to see proof of this ‘voice authentication’. “The mass media serve as a system for communicating messages and symbols to the general populace.”

the images! oh, dear lord. before i even tell you i must collect myself. and i must also say that i made a connection between them, and the work of fritz lang- namely ‘metropolis’. it’s fairly obvious to say that film lent some inspiration to you, namely the wardrobe on the opening act of the HIStory tour… i think about the ways in which technology constantly changes our relationships- to ourselves and to others- but the need to be loved and respected remains.

lang’s story is interesting as well- he was raised catholic, but his mother was an eastern european jew. he never acknowledged the jewish side, and as the nazis came to power he had hoped that this would never be revealed. he fled germany in fear. however, before he fled, perhaps based on fear of being found out, he joined the NSDAP (the national socialist german worker’s party) with his wife. he was approached by propaganda minister joseph goebbels, to become the head of universum film AG (or UFA). goebbels supposedly took a liking to his work, including ‘metropolis’, which was made in 1927, a few years before the hitler regime took hold. ironically, lang’s film ‘the testament of dr. mabuse’ (1933) was banned by goebbels, due to the belief that it would incite some sort of rejection of authority.

image is everything though- when you came out in the ‘machine man’ costume, then ripped it off, then performing ‘scream’ and ‘they don’t care about us’ subsequently; i saw a lot of value in this. as the ‘machine man’ in the film was an aspect of a mind control experiment, thus confusing the workers and starting riots; you kicking open the door of your MJ-2040 ship to this new world/planet; then ripping off the breast-plate and mask in what appears to be a symbol of de-programming and freedom (after travelling in your spaceship and observing world events from your vantage point) is quite telling, in light of the two songs you open the set with. were you one of the ‘thinkers’ sent to speak to the masses/the workers/your fans to warn them? to be the ‘mediator’? who knows. one can only hope…

“…communicating messages and symbols…” there were many things you also did which were symbolic, which are your most well-known: the glove, the high-water trousers, the wrist brace, the tape on the fingers, the arm band… some of these symbols were utilitarian (the wrist brace), others were dramatic or performative/suggestive (the trousers with the white socks). some of these symbols were vocal, some were movement-based. some symbols (such as the glove) were originally autonomous from the message; eventually the symbol became synonymous with the message.

in terms of this connection between ‘metropolis’ and the images conjured up by sony, AEG and the cirque du soleil folks, i imagine you to be the ultimate ‘machine man’… i instantly am reminded of this piece here: http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2010-06-24/michael-jackson-money-machine-tops-250-million-on-anniversary.html

the piece is entitled: ‘michael jackson money machine tops $250 million in past year”.

“The wall-to-wall TV coverage today will show candlelight vigils and weeping admirers. Meanwhile, off stage, some really happy folks are counting the winnings.

The King of Pop, we’ve just learned, is worth more dead than alive, with his estate earning more than $250 million over the year. Billboard totes up $1 billion in revenue.”

interestingly, in the same article, this was written:

“For those seeking 15 minutes of fame or wanting to pay their last respects, the place to go is Forest Lawn Cemetery in Glendale, California. Be advised that you can leave flowers though you won’t be allowed too close to Jackson’s tomb and must behave respectfully. It’s as if he’s still alive, really.”

symbolism is everything. even mark beech, the writer of this piece, in all of his snideness, has subconsciously realized that you are not at forest lawn (where fritz lang happens to be buried). media let this slip out by stating that the family is secretive about where you are (even though you are supposed to be at forest lawn, right?). the other thing which gave this away is the refusal to let people so much as even go near the mausoleum (which does not have your name on it).

however, if any of the ‘death hoax’ community saw this piece (and they may have), they would have a field day. in terms of being a ‘machine man’, you were quoted by randy phillips (the face of AEG live) as saying, “Look, this whole business revolves around me. I’m a machine, and we have to keep the machine well-oiled.”

it appears as if sony and AEG took your statement very, very seriously.

michael, it is taking me a long time to get to these images- the cirque du soleil and the album- because there are way too many things to make connections with. i suppose time is of no issue for you where you are though, but time is so urgent here! people must know how your legacy and your teachings are being tampered with.

i think these images are a huge factor in the narrative which leads to your murder. it pains me just to even begin writing about this… partly because i know that i am but one person, and i cannot stop THEIR machine alone. i do know that it is possible for one person to effect change, if that person remains persistent; but theirs is a propaganda machine so steeped in public (sub)consciousness that i feel so small in this mass web. and my cries go unheard or ignored by those who ‘just want to hear the music’. and sony and AEG are there to give it to ’em. right on time.

the upcoming album (entitled, simply, ‘michael’) and the cirque du soleil show (entitled ‘the immortal world tour’, along with its tag-line “his tours made history. in 2011 his legend lives on”) are definitely going to fuel the fires of the ‘death hoax’ community. it’s already begun.

the thing which set me off in these two images, promoting both the album and ‘tour’, is the MONARCH BUTTERFLY prominently and conveniently placed beside you. i don’t ever recall a monarch butterfly being prominent in your art like that. doves, flowers, angels, children… but no MONARCH BUTTERFLIES. in fact, in the cirque du soleil piece there’s about 4 or 5 fluttering around you.

this piece(http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20101105/en_nm/us_michaeljackson)which speaks on this upcoming album, states:

“The album cover artwork features two naked cherubs placing a crown on Jackson’s head against a mural depicting the singer throughout his career. It comes from an oil painting by Kadir Nelson, who told Reuters via email that Jackson approached him several years ago to create a project detailing his life and career. The project stalled, but was revived last year by one of the estate’s executors, John McClain. Most of the work was done during a five-month period through last month.
“Michael wears a golden suit of armor and stares at the viewer as he is crowned by cupids,” Nelson said. “He places his hand over his heart and looks directly at the viewer, a symbol of Jackson’s big heart and strong connection to his fans and music. A MONARCH BUTTERFLY (my emphasis) sits on his shoulder, another symbol of Jackson’s metamorphosis as a singer and entertainer, as well as a symbol of royalty. His musical history unfolds behind him.”

in this image (where you have a bejeweled hand over your heart) i see a symbol of loyalty to the monarch(y)- which may as well be sony. the message, to me, being sent is: “you owe us- we made you a millionaire. you are royalty because of us.”

‎

the significance of this butterfly should never be ignored. according to ron patton in his piece ‘project monarch, nazi mind control’ (http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/sociopolitica/esp_sociopol_mindcon02.htm), “There is also a symbolic representation pertaining to the transformation or metamorphosis of this beautiful insect: from a caterpillar to a cocoon (dormancy, inactivity), to a butterfly (new creation) which will return to its point of origin.”

in your physical presence on this earth, it was as if you were ‘dead’ to them, as you worked to expose them. your ‘product’ was no longer valuable, as long as they didn’t have full control over the man, the message, and most importantly, THE ASSETS. the $250 million deal took care of that. your metamorphosis is sold as a commodity, beyond their wildest dreams. and they could not have done that if you were still here. through working to prove that they have your best interests at heart, they hawk all these products to the public, still hungry for some semblance of your physical self, in the process, “…desensitizing the majority of the population, using subliminals and neuro-linguistic programming”.

hence, the debate between whether or not this upcoming album is a fake, and the defense that ‘voice authentication’ was used. there was a ‘teaser’ which sony put out, and all you heard was a faint scream at the end, before the ‘teaser’s’ fade. what does TMZ (with their sony ads on the top of their site) go and do? prompts a debate (with a survey) to see if people think that ‘scream’ is really yours. “The mass media serve as a system for communicating messages and symbols to the general populace.”

another distraction from the contracts and deals being made on the back of your teachings, and legacy. patton also writes that “programming is updated periodically and reinforced through visual, auditory and written mediums.” just as you were decisive in your art, these organizations are decisive in including monarchs in art depicting you.

those who may not be aware of how mind control programs infiltrate the arts, they may look at the butterflies as representing freedom. however, in looking at album covers (and even tattoos) of some prominent artists, it’s not difficult to notice a pattern. especially when some of those connected with butterflies ‘go crazy’, as if a double personality exists. ‘monarch programming’ is an unofficial title given by those who were victims of this particular programming (who are tortured and are given specific vocal and physical triggers). the umbrella program is entitled MKULTRA, which the u.s. government (under the ‘directorate of science and technology’ branch of central intelligence) enacted in 1953. richard helms (director of the CIA during the whole experiment) ordered the documents to be destroyed; of course, some of the documents survived, and can be found on the internet.

people have prompted debates over whether the artwork on your records depicted images representing the ‘illuminati’, and so forth. i await the responses to this album cover, and the cirque du soleil art. because it is EXTREMELY clear. these are people creating this art for the sole purpose of controlling the sensibilities of the population, and mass-producing it, whilst no one bats an eye. so much of this information has been suppressed, that we ignore a ‘truth hidden in plain sight’, as they say. “you are reading too much into things”, i will most likely be told- that is, if anyone responds at all.

in terms of how you are perceived in the world of cirque du soleil, jamie king (one of the co-creators of the ‘tour’), said, in an on-camera interview: “i’m making sure that the audience gets exactly what they remember from michael, which is the iconic looks, from music videos… the show is a reflection of michael’s energy, his essence, and his spirit. i’m pulling from poetry, from his lyrics and his songs…” he then says, “so when people leave, i want them to leave, knowing something more about michael.”

people won’t be getting anything except for selective memory. and a bunch of explosions. i used to think at one time… i thought that after your transcendence people were beginning to look deeper into your teachings, into your human-ness. i see that people still want ‘the glove’. the showman. the spectacular fantasy.

they don’t want the man who spoke so eloquently at oxford about the need for the return of familial tradition; the man who, in the movie which was part of this $250 million deal, spoke of people not depending on the government to save us. they don’t want the man who decided to take it upon himself to utilize his resources to do something governments will not do, as they are too occupied with voting on how much money to spend on defense contracts.

again, i do not play when it comes to being a student. there are people who will talk, and talk and talk (and discredit others who speak out) and congratulate themselves in order to distract, and propagate their sales, based on a deceptively romantic image of ‘the king’. as they do this, they are watching all of us, recognizing who the ‘workers’ and who the ‘thinkers’ are. and anticipating our collective spiritual ‘death’.

but i know that i (and there are others out there, i know it) must represent life. and counter their mission. for we aim to be the ‘children of the light’, amidst their darkness.

love, jamilah

Posted in dreams, michael jackson | 2 Comments

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 84)

Posted on October 27, 2010 by jamilah

i keep having these dreams which involve people i know, and i cannot figure out the significance. it’s as if it’s a cross between being trapped and being free in spontaneous moments. it makes total sense, as this is how i feel right now.

in one of the dreams i run into someone i know and haven’t seen in a long time. he invites me to his house (which is a huge brownstone) and is filled with people of all generations entering and exiting. music (coming from a small turntable on the floor) permeates the long hallway; a tall stack of records stands beside the turntable.this person who suddenly entered my life again and i excitedly run around the rooms in the house, singing and giggling.

the other dream i had involved a person who i know today. the both of us were among a group of people who were drafted in some sort of military camp. we were to be in this camp for at least a week, i believe. i remember the mention of “5 more days” at several points in the dream. food was very crucial in this dream; people were eating sandwiches on a bus. i remember opening and closing a refrigerator. i specifically remember the group we were in having olive-green shirts with numbers stitched on the collars. they were five-digit numbers. 11995, something to that effect. we were not to separate from anyone in this group for the remainder of our time in this camp. before i woke up from the dream, i remember my compatriot saying “we have five days and (…) hours to go…”

before the most recent dream i had trouble sleeping. i have been feeling so lonely, trying to exist in a world where people don’t necessarily like to engage in deep conversations. where dialogs end up in unnecessary arguments. where people take someone’s opinions personally. a world where, if you choose to expose the not-so-pretty side of things, you are simply being ‘negative’.

admittedly, i enjoy having a good debate or two… or three. but it’s got to be had with someone who is willing to have them just the same. i end up experiencing a massive wave of disappointments because so many take what i have to say as an attack on their interests; which is not the case at all. i am debating the merits of art, politics and such. if i do not know a person it makes no sense to personally attack someone. it’s as if people are offended by what i have to say because they don’t want to engage in the same way.

i don’t necessarily adhere to the concept of ‘the good old days’; however, i miss the times when people actually wrote essays and people discussed them at length, instead of one-sentence comments…. the days when the merits of art were actually picked apart and dissected. when strangers spontaneously came up in the middle of a debate and contributed with something absolutely enthralling.

i’m always struggling in this world because i’m not sure if this is how the world runs anymore. it’s difficult for me to keep up. there’s very few people i have long conversations with anymore. people apparently ‘don’t have time’. we all share the same 24 hours though.

i have so many people telling me i need to not expend so much energy on people who are not willing to give the same energy. i concur, to a point. my idealism gets in the way. i refuse to believe that people are stupid, or choose to remain ignorant. it’s like i know that people are going to wake up out of a stupor and deprogram themselves. i used to think humans were inherently ignorant; but i see moments of brilliance all the time.

when i see this though, i try to reach out. but then it seems to get lost when i don’t hear back from people. and again, i wonder what i am doing wrong. and it makes me want to withdraw. and when i make the decision to do that, another spot of brilliance occurs. and the cycle continues…

people tell me i need to just continue to ‘be myself’. but what exactly does this mean, when i AM being myself, and then people tell me i’m doing too much? i take being a student VERY seriously. this is something i give a billion percent to. no, it is not at the expense of other things in my life, but to give a billion percent to something- to commit yourself to something where it’s firmly placed in the centre of your life… i’m not exactly sure if people look favorably upon that. this is a specific relationship you have committed yourself to. this type of focus is not encouraged in our fickle society. and so i always end up feeling bad.

ironically, the person who was in the ‘military camp’ dream said to me recently, with words similar to this: “one thing you can learn from your teacher is that your teacher never slowed down. and now he’s not here.” when she said that i instantly thought of something you said, in relation to doing what you did at an older age:

“The truth is, umm, no. Not the way James Brown did, or Jackie Wilson did, where they just ran it out, they killed themselves. In my opinion, I wish [Brown] could have slowed down and been more relaxed and enjoyed his hard work.”

but then you also said this (in relation to you being on MTV and the lack of rotation for black artists):

“it broke my heart, but at the same time it lit something. i was saying to myself, ‘i have to do something where they… i just refuse to be ignored.'”

and:

“i give my all to my work. i want it to just live.”

all i want to do is show people how you were “writing… songs to open up people’s consciousness,” and how you “wish(ed) people would listen to every word.”

inevitably due to my frustration in not having your teachings heard i want to not interact with people. my favourite times are when i am alone with my cat friend, or when i am riding my bicycle amongst the crickets and robins. i know though, that if what i have learned, and am continuing to learn from you (as well as share the humanity of your teachings and life) is to be applied, i must be persistent. i wholly and freely admit that i am far from being the greatest student. i struggle immensely. because times are urgent.

how exactly do you rest or compromise, when you are doing your best to be a student? when you are committing yourself to study? when you are perfecting your craft? is it truly possible to be married to your work, and sit back and “enjoy your hard work”?

i also couldn’t sleep really, because something my sister said to me the other day remained in my mind… we were talking about the AEG contract which you signed, which i maintain is a death sentence, according to the research i’ve done. the dubious means by which AEG set up these shows astonishes me, how many somehow ignore the fine print and choose to look at the end result.

this is what cory rooney (who worked for sony) said about you:

“he’s always so eager to please. he was so eager to please that he kinda over-thought a lot of things.”

http://www.cyinterview.com/2009/07/industry-bigs-music-michael/

i think about this in the context where people tell me i think too much. what exactly is thinking too much though? is it just that people are not COMFORTABLE with this focus? are there people who REALLY think too much? according to rooney, you told him that you not consuming food or liquids during rehearsal was not a matter of you “doing it on purpose. it’s just something (you) don’t think about anymore… (you’ve) just become so driven that (you) can’t even think about these things anymore.” apparently it got so bad that “they made (you) wear an IV last time.”

there’s so many gray areas in your transcendence, it’s difficult to even know where to begin, or speak to… with that, my sister told me that, if i am to be as serious in my studies as i would like to be i need to not examine what was to be your final set of shows partially; i need to look completely at the set of clips which have been compiled into a movie- ‘this is it’. i grit my teeth as she said this, but ultimately i suppose she is correct.

i couldn’t sleep thinking about it. just the thought of even watching those images emanating from the screen upset me. the words of randy phillips- the face of AEG live, gnawed at my brain: “surviving the press conference was the first step. we’ve a three-year plan for michael jackson and if it all goes well we will gross $400 million in total.”

in light of the contract you signed to do the shows (which can be found online); the daily beast (http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-06-30/jacksons-final-panic/) reported some of the stipulations; some of these stipulations have been suppressed by most media organizations:

“It’s also clear, based on a half-dozen sources in Jackson’s business and financial entourage, that Jackson desperately wanted out of the commitment to 50 concerts, which were to be held at London’s O2 Arena. Earlier this month, only weeks before his death, someone in the Jackson camp, presumably with the singer’s blessing, leaked information that the pop star was “reportedly fuming” at the expanded concert schedule and pace and demands of preparation.

But as fast as the money came in, Jackson spent it. His major asset, his music catalog that included the Beatles songs, was half owned by Sony, and his portion had so many liens and loans against it that it could take a probate court years to unravel its real value. By November, the Jackson confidant says, the pop star was given an ultimatum by his advisers. Either commit to the London concert tour or have creditors seize whatever assets he still prized.

Behind the scenes, AEG and Jackson’s financial advisers had evidently worked out a deal that required the pop star to do more shows. When Jackson learned of that after the press conference, it kicked off several days of stormy meetings, with Jackson at times threatening to balk at doing any. Jackson, as usual according to those who knew him, had failed to grasp all the obligations of the financial arrangement he had entered. Five days later, on March 10, a brief press release added 11 dates to the 10 that Jackson had already announced. The next day, the number of shows expanded to 45, and would soon be 50, extending into February 2010. The shows were scheduled so Jackson had at least one night off between each, and AEG released a statement that Jackson was in “tremendous condition after a battery of tests.””

i think of the media onslaught AEG has put out, in response to anyone who challenges them. AEG uses the contentious relationships you’ve had with people such as raymone bain and your father to sway public opinion into making them look like the ‘bad guys’, even though they have valid points about the intentions of this corporation. your mother was silenced (and paid off) against speaking out by the people running your estate (people who have history with sony and sign backroom deals with AEG) because havenhurst would have been repossessed and put on the market. there is NO amount of money that should sway that woman. your life is not worth being financially silenced over.

randy phillips claimed that on 11 march of 2009, you phoned him, and you said: “randy, randy, no more shows… no more shows.” in an interview done with on sky news, phillips stated that you were “choked up” at the news of all the shows. i also recall in an interview with the head of a fan site (MJJC, i believe) where he claimed you asked him how many more shows you had to do. phillips opined, you may as well get a visa; and you cried. how he worded it was important to note, as he was careful. he made a poor attempt at making your grief sound like happiness. “if mike gets too nervous to go on, i’ll throw him over my shoulder and carry him on stage. he’s light enough.”

that leads to the claims (which i initially saw in an issue of rolling stone immediately after your transcendence) that kenny ortega had to help you up the stairs, chop up your food and feed you. these claims were immediately refuted by folks at AEG. is it the case that phillips then claimed that you in fact were not aware of the extra shows being added? “the truth is our deal is in phases and the only phase he agreed to is london.” if this statement was indeed said by phillips (amongst all the other statements) this could be used against AEG. amazingly, the members of your family have not presented this to the courts, instead focusing on what happened with conrad murray. i can guarantee you, AEG would win the case in two seconds with that argument, as they already have the convincing claim of you insisting that murray be your live-in doctor (which is actually true) and that you had a painkiller addiction (which is also true).

ironically there was a rumor going around that frank dileo (michael’s ex-and then supposed returning manager) controlled the MJJC site, along with TMZ (who, through their ownership by time warner has AEG connections). this is a response from gary taylor, who runs the mjjcommunity site:

“Dear Members and fans world wide

Today it has been brought to my attention through members and various forums and public domains something that is very damaging and slangerous to MJJC, its apparent a letter and lies are being sent by a certain group and its members for justice accusing MJJC of being under the control of a said Mr Frank Dileo or TMZ and being paid money to follow a certain path.

I will go on public record saying these accusations are absolutely ludicrously ridiculous and beyond all realms of reality.

Mr Dileo does NOT control MJJC, I do not KNOW Mr Frank Dileo nor have I EVER Spoken to Mr Dileo. MJJCommunity is under the control of no one other than myself and my dedicated team whom you can all see here on these forums, financially it runs solely on my server with payments made from both adsence and member donations.

To suggest anything otherwise is a pure fabrication and a lie.

Personally I am very disappointed as originally I thought they were the go to point for fans to seek justice for Michael in a hugely respectful and public manner, however given I now know some of the actions I question how far some will go given their intentions are to publicly destroy the credibility of a fan club of Michaels that honours him and celebrates his legacy, not to mention how we have cared for and supported the fans since his passing.

Regards

Gary M Taylor
President & Owner MJJCommunity.com”

some of the above quotes can be read in this video:

http://www.youtube.com/v/Bz0L0tzfC5E?fs=1&hl=en_US

if i were your family i would utilize that contract and check the stipulations. i have a feeling though, that katherine (at least) may have gotten ready to do this, and was silenced. again, MONEY IS NOT WORTH HER SON’S LIFE!

according to the ‘and justice for some’ site (http://mjandjustice4some.blogspot.com/2010/06/peter-lopez-suicide-or-murder.html):

“MJJ Timeline states that on August 7, 2006, Raymone Bain stated that “in what could be one of the biggest conspiracies in the entertainment industry, documents have been sent to Michael Jackson, and his representatives, which reveal a deliberate plan by some former attorneys as well as associates and advisors, to force Jackson into involuntary bankruptcy. The documents reveal that FORMER ATTORNEYS actively solicited other attorneys, vendors and creditors to ‘join in a petition to place the client in involuntary bankruptcy.’ …Based on the timing of the events that have impacted his personal and professional life in recent years, he has long been suspicious that some of them that he entrusted to act on his behalf, and to advise him with respect to his personal and business affairs, may not have always acted in his best interests.”

this is where peter lopez stepped in. and now he’s no longer here on this earth either. due to a gunshot to the head. whenever i hear the word ‘suicide’ or ‘accident’ these days, i become suspicious. william cooper, paul wellstone, j.h. hatfield… these are people who worked to expose the system. and ended up paying for that with their lives. could this be possible with peter lopez (who worked with you after john branca, the head of the fake estate), or with you?

with that, must i swallow a bitter pill and take my sister’s advice? if so, i need to have a serious spiritual cleansing, before, and ESPECIALLY after the experience.

there’s still so much work to be done… i am doing my best. there is such a fine line between freedom and groupthink/mental slavery; i choose freedom but i still struggle with what that means. is being a student of yours ultimately an inescapable binding of disappointments, since (as long as branca, sony and AEG are in the picture) there may never be closure in your transcendence? also, in a world which is slow to recognize your true teachings (which are centuries old), is it worth it to try to communicate with the masses when they don’t appear to listen? i want to be hopeful, i really do- and that hope requires action. but i receive so much rejection.

you provided such a force which resonated with the world. you opted to change it- in many ways you were uncompromising in your messages. i also know that in many ways you were met with disappointment as well. ultimately the commitment you had though, led to your physical demise, as your messages became more and more urgent. they may have placed stipulations in the contract, but there was something political going on. everything leads to you being silenced. with that, with the frantic phone calls you made, fearful for your and your children’s lives, was it commitment to your work which ultimately kept you going?

am i doing the right thing?

love, jamilah

Posted in cats, dreams, freedom, michael jackson, politics | Leave a comment

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 83)

Posted on October 25, 2010 by jamilah

michael, i am extremely glad to have never been in your position… i always forget what it’s like to go out into the world, and then when i go out i either get upset, or i want to retrieve. the outside world just scares me.

i went out to have a good time and bask in your teachings… i had on the ‘smooth criminal’ outfit and people kept asking to take my picture, grabbing me, staring at me, gesturing for me to go on stage… i ended up having a terrible evening, feeling absolutely violated.

‘man in the mirror’ (one of your greatest teachings) was played. your teachings were running through me; at the end of the song this woman told me i was a “sexy bitch”, then in front of me this guy was dancing and fondling his crotch (he ended up doing it again, trying to get my attention). i mean, it was ‘MAN IN THE MIRROR’! have some respect!!!

the sheer disrespect ruined my evening. i felt a little better after time passed, but my soul felt so low. what i experienced was just a fraction of a fraction of what you experienced. whenever i see footage of you amidst crowds of fans it saddens me to no end. when our humanity is diminished in exchange for status, there is something very wrong with our society.

there’s still so much i have to learn about the world… admittedly, i am extremely naive.

love, jamilah

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michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no.82)

Posted on October 20, 2010 by jamilah

it’s been a while since we have spoken in this way… i’ve been in the midst of heavily studying. of course, there have been some roadblocks, some mistakes and some happier moments- all learning lessons. there’s just so much to tell you, i don’t even know where to begin. well, right now i’m a bit sick; i’ve caught this cough. it’s been going around. hopefully i won’t be coughing as much (or at all) this week-end, as that’s when the thrillerdance happens; you know, the one when people do the dance all around the world at the same time. i think you saw one of those once, right?

i get a bit frustrated doing this event, even though i know i shouldn’t be… one of the things you have taught is far from a new theory: in order to be good at something, you must practise. all. the. time. you must let the practise seep inside of you. you must be invested in the study. in terms of this dance; when i am not doing other forms of study, or working, i practise. even if people tell me i am good, i know i will be better if i just keep doing it. one thing you said is: ‎”The greatest education in the world is watching the masters at work.” i watch you.

the other thing you said was: “In the end, the most important thing is to be true to yourself and those you love and work hard. Work like there’s no tomorrow. Train. Strive. Really train and cultivate your talent to the highest degree. Be the best at what you do. Get to know more about your field than anybody alive. Use the tools of your trade, if it’s books or a floor to dance on or a body of water to swim in. Whatever it is, it’s yours. That’s what I’ve always tried to remember.” i take those words very seriously.

which is why it frustrates me… from my vantage point it’s as if people do not take your art seriously… it’s like they look at it as a novelty, based on this one song- or should i say, album. i just think of how many people ask me if i can ‘moonwalk’.

i suppose this is what frustrates me more than anything… it’s not that others don’t see you in the same way i do (even though that would be nice). it’s that people narrow you down into one aspect of your whole life/career… and so hearing comments about ‘thriller’ being on someone’s compilation, or that ‘billie jean’ was played at a party… there’s no real opportunity they’ve given themselves to learn about your teachings.

is my frustration unwarranted? i have no idea. i just know i feel this way. again, it’s a very lonely place to be a student. dedicating your life to something in a world where we’re encouraged to be casual about everything contributes to loneliness. and yes, i am doing my best to connect with others who may be students with the same amount of intensity. but rarely, if ever, is there a continued connection. i wonder if it’s something i’m doing wrong, or is the intensity too much for even them?

yes, i have married myself to the teachings, so i can eventually BECOME the teachings. this does not require an isolation from the outside world; but as you know that world can be a cruel and scary place. i have resigned myself to the fact that people may not understand my dedication. people laugh, shrug their shoulders, wonder why i do what i do… however, being in the outside world, i get frustrated, because i feel alone. it’s as if i am utilizing a double-consciousness: working to be myself, yet working to make compromises in a world which does not understand. i feel like a stranger in this world sometimes.

is this an aspect of ‘human nature’? perhaps one day all of this will make sense.

love, jamilah

‎

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michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no.81)

Posted on August 15, 2010 by jamilah

i keep wavering, because i keep hearing the voice of an angel… no, i’m not speaking figuratively; i’m not referring to the pleasantries of the notes which exit from your vocal chords. there are these moments, when i hear you, that i hear your advice ringing in my ears, as guided by the angels. i’m sure it doesn’t hurt that your voice is one of the most beautiful i’ve heard. still, if popular culture is of any measure; talent and the ability to deliver a message would be mutually exclusive.

again, i am listening to you, and i am sad. because it always appears as if there’s a wave of events that determine this difficulty i have in reaching people with your message, your teachings. i recognize that persistence is one of the key factors in your teachings, but you have to realize how hard this is.

there are certain words and phrases which scream out at me; words which exemplify the exact opposite of how i am feeling as a whole. there’s a series of events which have occurred, where i feel like i want to disappear. everything (of course) works in a series of contradictions: i want to interact more with others, but i also want to just hide in my room from the world. i love to be the one who bestows affection and touch to people; but i do not want to receive it. i don’t want people to touch me. i want to wear things that i like, but i don’t want people looking at me, and making comments about what i wear. it upsets me that people say things. i just want to make myself completely inconspicuous. obviously this is difficult, being a black person in the northwest… i just wish that people didn’t notice me so much.

so… i wish there was this balance, where people would recognize me just as significantly, when i am speaking of you in terms of your role as a teacher. here’s the other contradiction: i know i’m not taking care of myself as well as i should, even though i want to go on and engage with the world of your role in relation to it.

i feel immobilized by… myself. in many ways, i do. it’s like, if i could take myself out of what i wanna do (but it would still be me), i would be fine. it’s not unlike my desire for children: i really, REALLY want a baby, but i want to surpass the portion of the process where I give birth. how can i move forward with anything if i want to disappear?

you are speaking to me in order for me to be serious about setting goals and to never stray from them. at least this is what i hear at times, when i listen to you.

ultimately i am glad i never saw you live in concert (even though i suppose i had many an opportunity to). i have a feeling my perspective of you would have been different, as i would not have gotten a chance to truly study the nuances, and the messages.

and i’m glad i never saw you passing in the street, or getting out of a car to shop somewhere… i’m glad i never got caught up in the mass. despite all this, i do wish i had an opportunity to just say two simple words to you: thank you. even if i had to yell it across the street to you, as i ran away from the crowds; even if i had to pass it off in a note… as long as i know you got the message, and as long as i know you knew you were sincerely loved, then everything else would be alright.

love, jamilah

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