it’s hard to ‘keep the faith’ when you just feel like giving up…  i feel like i am repeating myself to you, but i hope you understand.  i feel like in so many ways i’m letting you down.  i’m doing my best to share and spread the teachings, but there are so many roadblocks.  it’s as if everything i say and do are just wrong.  people seem to turn away.

with that, it’s been difficult to know what to say to you.  you are probably upset or disappointed with me.  if so, i understand.  honestly, i still struggle with your transcendence.  i still struggle with barry’s transcendence.  remember him?  sometimes it’s hard dealing with the both of you not here.  there are times i feel like a bad person for that; i don’t want to feel like i’m holding on to something unattainable, or impermanent.  i don’t want you to think i’m mis-using the teachings.  i don’t want you to think i’m not thankful for everything you’ve taught me.

i’m sensing a whole lot of dark energy around me, and i cannot figure out where it is coming from.  it’s making me feel cluttered and  confused.  i’m doing my best to clear my room now; it’s filled with years of things which need to be recycled.  once all of that is out of the room i will feel much better about being here…  but there’s still something else.  is it constant grief clouding my brain?  are there certain people in my life i need to get rid of?  it does feel that sometimes, i don’t know where to turn.  people say they are there for me, but they have their own lives they are dealing with.  i don’t expect them to make all this extra time for me.  it’s as if the things i have to say don’t measure up though; and i end up feeling inadequate, or everything i’m doing is in vain.

i go through periods where this happens; but now a lot of this is heightened as we approach 12 more days before the second year of your transcendence.  for some reason it seems more difficult to deal with this year than last.  i’m feeling truly naked…  exposed, with no protection.  i feel like i don’t even know myself.  a stranger in my own body.  i want to be able to help others, but i can’t even help myself.

i had another dream relating to you…  in fact, i had two.  one had you in it, and the other was about you. both dreams were quite strange.

the first dream you were in…  you did most of the talking, which was not a lot.  your form was similar to the ‘bad’ era, around 1988.  we were in los angeles but it looked like las vegas, with all the flashing lights.  you took me to this theatre you owned.  on the outside the building was conspicuous, in comparison to the rest of the area:  the strip the theatre was on was quite dark.  you took me inside, and it was just as dark and dingy as the outside.  there were teenagers running everywhere, yet they didn’t even notice your presence.  you were relaxed…  casual.  in your element.  not only was there a cinema in this building, but also several play spaces, a library, and i’m sure more the dream did not even get to.

we walked into the cinema; it was filled with teenagers, yelling and running around as a film was showing.  the screen was hazy in the dream, so i cannot tell you what film it was.  i do know it was a film you were really into though.  something you have seen many times before.  we took seats in the middle of it all, unnoticed.  initially you appeared undeterred in your quest to watch this film.  gradually, the running around and yelling got to you, and i heard quiet grumblings emanate from your throat.  despite this, it was like you loved the young people so much you didn’t wanna tell them to stop having their fun.  you motioned for us to leave the cinema part of the building, to move somewhere else.  we walked to one of the empty play rooms, and we found a body hanging from the ceiling.  at a loss for words, we both looked at each other.  what could have made this young kid take his life- or what could have made someone murder him?  were others in the building aware of this, and no one said anything?  could anyone even see us?

in shock, we quietly went back to the cinema.  you had a look of shame and sorrow on your face.  you were carrying the world on your shoulders.  unable to focus, we again left the cinema.  working to become distracted from the situation, you took us to one of your favourite rooms in the building- the library.  it astounded me…  how much could fit into this one building.  as you gave me a little tour of the different sections- fiction, biography, geography…  as we approached another section we saw a kid hanging off the top of one of the smaller bookshelves, his elbows bent to hold himself up, and his head resting similar to the kid who was hanging from the ceiling.  i couldn’t tell if he was emulating the hanging.  i figured he was not ‘dead’, since if he was his muscles would not be able to hold him up, considering the way he positioned himself.

before either of us had time to collect ourselves, i awakened from the dream.

i drifted back into rest mode, and ended up having another dream.  this time it involved a baby, either one year old or not yet one.  he was in a pram/stroller.  he was there, unsupervised.  i went over to him and he immediately began to speak to me in detailed sentences.  he asked me if i liked you.  when i told him yes, he asked me what i liked about you.  when i responded he then told me what he liked about you.  and then i awoke again, with lumbia by my side.  this was comforting, especially since she’s been feeling my energy.  whenever i’m sad she just curls up and rests.

i don’t know what either of these dreams mean…  does this have to do with my own anxiety around your transcendence? is this about a message i’m supposed to send?  is this about me wanting to have kids?  are those dreams about anything at all?

i have so many questions, given this is the first time in a long time you are actually with me in a dream since your transcendence, speaking directly to me; as opposed to a peripheral or allegorical figure.  with that, if you (or anyone else) were sending a message, i hope i won’t let you down in relaying whatever message it is i am supposed to relay.

if i’ve let you down in any way, please accept my apologies.

love, jamilah