i keep thinking about how the events which happened to us will prepare us for the future, if we are willing to let them.

in response to the abuse which happened to you, you looked to animals and children for inspiration.  in the process you got to carry a lot of babies- and even bubbles, a chimpanzee.  by the time you became a father yourself, you were well prepared on how to hold a small being.

the small things count.  people made fun of you for your interests; in a funny way though, it could be seen as a form of therapy, to experience pain so much that you are sensitive to the pain of those who are small and vulnerable.

you don’t hear about a lot of men willing to step up and take on the role as (essentially) a single father.  it obviously happens, but it’s not something which gets light.  for a man to step up in his responsibilities as a father should not be an anomaly.  i’m not going to commend you for that, since stepping up is something you are SUPPOSED to do.  i WILL say though, that i’m sure the time with bubbles and all the babies in the hospitals was a teaching model for you.

i also keep thinking about the ‘biological clock’…  even as a man (who biologically cannot give birth) you still felt it.  in the cry for wanting to know what a ‘real relationship’ felt like came also the cry for the fear of not having someone to raise children with.  because of technology and life expectancy not being as short as it used to be, we have reduced our connections/desire to extend our families.  with little to no expectation of passing on a legacy due to agriculture or other types of labor, people have decided to hold off on raising children, or not having children at all.

but i know you wanted to have 10 children though.  i’m not sure how you would have gotten there, but you wanted them.  had lisa marie decided to have kids with you, would it have been that way?  would you have had more kids with debbie?  would you end up adopting a bunch of kids later in life?

how long would it be, if you never married, before you’d make a decision to begin raising children (on your own)?  would you have even made that decision?

“There is no miracle in life that compares with watching your son come into the world.”

i want so badly to be able to experience that.  i cry about it all the time, especially when i am at work, since there are so many babies.  i mean, ones who came into the world just days and weeks ago!!! sometimes the kids become familiar with me- kids like abe- and we form a sort of relationship.  the kids talk all about you to me sometimes.

Those are moments when fate is unsealed
Nothing is impossible and we are healed
We can soar, we can fly
Walk on fire, navigate the sky
In the light of a glittering star
There’s no distance, nothing is far
Those are moments of innocent guile
In the glow
We are suspended awhile
Those are moments when babies smile

when they cry, i love to draw them pictures, or give them potato people.  just little things to make them smile.   this makes them smile, or they get curious.  i love to run to them and welcome them to the world.  when they leave, i get so sad.  as much as i love babies, it pains me so much to be around them because i want so badly to be a mother.  to hold their tiny hands, hear their giggles…  even all the ‘bad stuff’- the colic, the late nights crying, the spit-ups…  i want this.  i want to see them grow into their ‘terrible twos’, right on down to their teenage years, where they assert their independence and analyze everything…  right on down to their adulthood, and hopefully i could look on and say, ‘i’ve done a great job as a mother’.

but i don’t think it’s something i will ever see.  people tell me to just ‘give birth’ but it’s not something i ever plan to, or intend/have any desire to do.  and if i were to give birth, i can’t conceive a baby alone.  i would need to be with someone who is as focused on raising and loving a child as i.

with that, yes…  i want to be a mother to a child who is already here on earth, and i want to raise the child with someone who has no desire to want to mate with me.  to have a companionship, yes; but mating, no.  i doubt if i will ever find someone who wants the same things i do.

i realize my preferences put me in a difficult situation, which is why i don’t think i will ever know what it’s like to be a mother, to raise a child.  you, even if you didn’t get married to debbie and have kids, you still had the ability to adopt, due to your financial privilege.  i don’t have $20,000 for fees and such.  I JUST WANT A BABY.  hanging out with kids and watching them grow and raising them are two different things; i’m sure you know that.

before too long i will be 40 years old, and it’s looking as if i’ll have no one to help me raise a kid, and end up being childless.  i don’t think i’m going to jump off a bridge due to this, but this whole thing is a huge source of depression for me. i don’t want to give birth, but my womb is still…  well, there’s still a huge void.  i don’t even know how to explain that.

i know i keep writing about all this to you, but it just keeps coming back, in its many forms.  sometimes the desire to have children is heightened more than other times, and right now it’s very heightened, and extremely triggering.

i look at what you said about your oldest son, and it mirrors something you said about yourself as a child, when asked what you wanted to do with your life:

“I want him to grow up surrounded by love and family, to receive the best education I can provide him with, to discover and develop his talents, and to use his resources to make life better for those less fortunate than he.”

i remember you saying something like this around the age of 5, when you said you wanted to be famous and live in a big mansion and you wanted to help people…  something to that effect.  despite our life’s experiences, there are some traits which remain with us into adulthood.

the values you instilled in your children in the the developing years i think will always be with them, even if they are going through a ‘difficult’ period now. my heart is with them.

love, jamilah