two years and one month to the day of your transcendence just passed…  this month went by faster than the last.   that could be all there is to this conversation with you michael, but i am using this very public conversation with you to try to make sense of my own feelings, my own grief.  you see, before i came here to speak with you i was very close to phoning a suicide hotline- instead, i phoned a friend.

i came to a crossroads; on my way home from work i seriously prepared in my mind how i was going to do it…  i would either let myself get hit by a car, or i was going to go upstairs and jump out of a window.  no matter how many years i thought about doing it (or even the times i attempted it) maybe once in my whole life have i ever considered calling a hotline.  and it was that one time where i decided not to.  i just didn’t want some stranger knowing my business, or trying to walk me out of it.

but just now, something snapped in me.  if i didn’t call someone…  anyone, i wouldn’t be sitting here telling you this.

i hardly, if ever, use the phone; and now seemed a better time than ever to use it.  i wanted more than ever to call my mother, but i knew she’d be in bed.  i didn’t want to leave her a message that i was planning to kill myself.  i called my sister, hoping she’d be up, but her phone was off.  i really needed to talk with someone, but i wished to use the hotline as a last resort.  i wasn’t sure who i could call…  i felt desperate, but at the same time i felt a sense of shame.  i felt (and still feel) selfish for even wanting to do this, and thinking about it.  i feel entirely stuck.  i feel horrible for having these thoughts, and at the same time i feel i’d have a sense of relief if i did it.

i keep looking at websites to try to make some sense of all this.  on one site was a test (not a diagnosis) (http://www.add-adhd-help-center.com/Depression/depression_test.htm) to see if you suffer from depression:

• My future seems hopeless.

• It is difficult for me to concentrate on reading.

• I feel sad, blue, and unhappy.

• It takes great effort for me to do simple things.

• I feel like a failure.

• I feel lifeless — more dead than alive.

• I spend time thinking about dying.

• I feel trapped or caught.

• I have lost or gained weight without trying to diet.

• The joy has gone out of my life.

• I have difficulty making decisions.

• I feel low in energy or slowed down.

• I have difficulty concentrating and making decisions.

• I often feel blue, even when good things happen to me.

• I feel worthless and inadequate.

• I have lost interest in aspects of life that used to be important to me.

• I have thought about wanting to kill myself.

• I get frightened or panicked for no apparent reason.

• I have crying spells, or feel like crying often.

• I am restless and can’t keep still.

• I feel anxious.

• I am agitated and keep moving around.

• I feel fatigued.

• I am more irritable than usual.

• I have difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep.

• I wake up early in the morning and cannot go back to sleep.

• I have trouble sleeping through the night.

• I don’t care about being attractive to women/men.

• My mind is not as clear as it used to be.

• I feel useless.

• My life is empty and without meaning.

• I feel that others would be better off if I were dead.

i took this ‘test’ and i got 30 out of 32 of these qualifiers…  i have been feeling lately that i have nothing to look forward to, and i don’t like feeling that way.  so much that made me happy doesn’t give me much joy anymore.  all the projects i’ve been doing and have wanted to do, i don’t feel inspired.  i feel at a loss as to how to deal with any of this.  and so much of the time (particularly within the last few days) i feel as if there is no other alternative.

i don’t have the ‘thick skin’ like you did, michael.  it’s always something that’s snapped in me since i was a kid.  again, i don’t know if it’s a chemical imbalance or what.  are some people more susceptible to a ‘suicide gene’ than others, when dealing with stress or trauma?  i do not know.

all i know is that i hate feeling this way.

i didn’t know what to do, so i called my friend jim.  i told him i didn’t know what to do, and i was two steps from calling a hotline.  like you, jim is a virgo, and interestingly, i heard a similar pattern in some of the things he said, and things you have said.

he spent an hour and a half on the phone with me.  i can’t really tell if he was trying to keep me alive, or just trying to calm me down.  at some points what he said was calming, and at other points i became triggered again.  as he was speaking with me i considered hanging up the phone, climbing on the roof and jumping.  i considered banging my head against the concrete until my brains splattered all over the place.  my mind was racing.

there were some things he said which let me know he understood though.  he was working to get me to focus on meditation, where i envision a light inside of me- this is something i’m a bit familiar with, since i have experienced this in meditation before.  not often, but i have.  the thing i connected with was him speaking a lot about my need for love and attention…  before i considered ending my life tonight i thought about how, even though people tell me they love me, i don’t necessarily feel wanted.  i’ve been feeling really distant from people, and not wanting to be around them.  i feel like i’m only in the way whenever i’m around.  i feel really bulky and clumsy. with that, i get irritable and depressed.    i feel as if i don’t really have anyone i could really sit and talk to….  someone to commit their energies toward me, and i to them.

jim told me to focus, and know that all those other people were not needed, because i would have fulfilled my own desire for love and attention.  i’m not saying it as well as he did, but how he said it was quite healing.  another thing he said which stood out was ‘nothing in this world is as real as the love you have within yourself.’  he said it was okay to sit and let all of these feelings of sadness happen, but to know that the love of myself is bigger than the feelings.  he continually had different variations for that one sentence; still, it moved me when he said that.  so much of the time i wanted to just say, ‘i wish i could believe you.’  to just even get up and say i LIKE myself is a huge feat.

with everything he said, it made me think of the tape you sent to akio morita (the head of sony) when he was sick.   the tape was played for him for six years, by his wife. her memories of your visits and friendship are here: http://www.akiomorita.net/en/contents/episode/005.html

please get better, please get better now…  you are a very, very strong man mr. morita.  I BELIEVE IN YOU.  ‘every day, in every way; i am feeling better and better.’  repeat these words in your deep subconscious mind… i love you mr. morita, and know that the whole world loves you and needs you…  especially me.

to think of the possibility that mr. morita held on for six years listening to this healing tape is very encouraging.  the fact that jim said something similar may perhaps help me too.  right this moment i am still struggling immensely to even want to sit here right now, still thinking about ending it all.  but i am trying very hard.  i cannot thank jim enough for even taking the time out to sit with me and just walk me through this, in his own way.

with that, even though i know you said many times you’ve never considered ending your life under most circumstances; i do wonder if you had any opportunities to sit with anyone when you were in a lot of pain….  if you had that one person (or several people) in your life to walk you through your grief.  my hope is that you did.

love, jamilah